We can’t have Canada smelling like burnt, used condoms anymore,” Prime Minister Justin Trudeau stated.
“People who have to smell their food before eating it are complete monsters.”
“They don’t even make laws for us! The gays can be fired in 26 states for being homosexual and we get nothing. It’s disgraceful!”
“Genetically-speaking the lineage has certain characteristics that really stand out; such as having categorically unpleasant hair and personalities.” – 23andMe CEO Anne Wojcicki
“Shaving your head for political reasons is the result of having idiots for parents. There’s a difference and it matters.”
“At least 87% of lotion used by men is vigorously rubbed on less than 1% of their bodies.”
“When I think of something, you better believe I’m going to go right up to him, get right on Peter and really ride him. Just unload on him with everything I’ve got – and I’ve got a lot. Just ask Melania. I’ve been trying to finish for quite a while, and when I do it’s going to feel great folks. Just great.”
“Contrary to popular belief, fingerlike appendages do not exit the butt and press on the phone screen, that’s poop you’re thinking of.”
“At this point teachers must be making, what? $125 thousand a year and they won’t stop complaining?” DeVos stated. “We have to push back against these union thugs who are always striking.”
“It’s nice to know that my wife has a backup plan in case our marriage fails because it means we still have something in common.”
Tostitos describes their new Extreme Mild Clear Salsa for White People® as being a thick, gelatinous substance for those with genetic spice sensitivities.
Johnson & Johnson is introducing the product after research proved that about 87% of parents were looking for ways to “get back at their babies” – in a fairly harmless way – for the countless sleepless nights, spit-ups, disgusting diapers, nasty farts and constant fussing.”
Back in 1987, the distinctively dressed Waldo set out to have a quick, private wank. Now, 33 years later, what was supposed to be a five minute meat beating bonanza, has turned into a world-wide journey in search of a place to rub one out.
“I can tell you how the world ends right now. We fart ourselves to death.” – Stanford Professor Böse Blahung
“Unless Redbox starts squeezing out moist, two-year-old prosciutto with every DVD, I have no idea how they’re going to compete with this.”
“Most of the leathery, ball-related action on the field actually takes place in the players’ jockstraps,” Commissioner Rob Manfred stated.
“Anyone who purchases a drink can get a free tattoo from our baristas this weekend.”
Ginsburg didn’t know she’d broken her ribs until bruising showed through her tattoos.
Garten has been raising her own humans for consumption in a coop next to her garden.
“It’s crazy to say it, but you almost wish they weren’t dead.”
Users of the popular gay dating and hookup app ‘Grindr’ have reported that Vice President Mike Pence had a countdown to impeachment on his profile that only remained visible for a few minutes. One user managed to snap a screen shot of Pence’s profile before it was changed. Later the two men met at the […]
“The president had been taking Viagra six times a day – one pill with every meal.” – Rudy Giuliani
“It really comes down to time and resources.”
“The first idea that it runs into is the decision that we go with.” – Secretary of Commerce Wilbur Ross
“We should always be looking up to God before going down to worship,” said Francis.
Weird Foods the Locals Eat: From Alabama to Wisconsin. Would You Try Them? #StrangeFood
The movie reaches its tipping point when Damon’s children begin to ask why their favorite pig ‘Oinkers’ has gone missing.
Female researches have remained cold and distant, uninterested in helping to solve this growing problem.
There are many different types of grandmothers out there – some are kind, crazy, cheerful, angry, thoughtful, or just incredibly confused. Here are the 10 signs that you may be a sassy grandma:
1.) You aren’t ashamed if you poop yourself in…