US Catholic bishops approved the creation of a new official document today that would ban politicians who support abortion rights from receiving Communion. President Joe Biden, who would be barred from the sacrament, gave a brief statement on the issue today. “Look. I love God, Jesus and the Church. But they’re not going to phase me by taking my magical cracker privileges away. No I mean it!” a wide-eyed Biden shouted. “It’s no skin off my back. I’ll just bring some Wheat Thins. Hell they taste better anyway, and there’s all of those great flavors!” Biden then went on to list the varieties of Wheat Thins that he likes. “Of course I could bring the good old Original flavor or maybe the healthier Reduced Fat. Then there’s the extra big ones for when you’re really hungry or the delicious Sundried Tomato & Basil if you’re looking for a punch in the mouth,” Biden grinned. “Sometimes I just might bring that savory Ranch and maybe even the subtle Hint of Salt. Finally, there’s the hearty Multigrain for when I’m watching my weight, and the zesty Cracked Pepper & Olive Oil for when this cracker really wants to mix it up. And you know what? Unlike the Church I’m willing to share with everyone around me. I’ll even place them right on your tongue. That’s just the kind of guy I am!” Orig. Wheat Thins photo credit Mike Mozart
The United States Supreme Court ruled 9-0 today in favor of allowing the pedophile-ridden Catholic Church to ban LGBTQ+ individuals from adopting children from any of their organizations. The Church released a brief and disturbing statement after the court’s decision. “Today, the Supreme Court cast the correct and righteous vote,” the statement read. “Gay couples are 7.5 times more likely to adopt than their straight counterparts. By allowing these immoral, gay couples to adopt kids, we would be significantly decreasing the pool of children that the clergy can molest. The Church deserves to keep its longstanding tradition of pedophilia alive by claiming some of the kids for itself.”
The Catholic church announced this week that they will not be blessing same-sex marriages until the age of consent is lowered to allow bishops, cardinals and priests to marry the young boys that they’ve been grooming for years. “This is pure age discrimination,” Pope Francis proclaimed from the balcony of St. Peter’s Cathedral to a shocked crowd below. “It doesn’t have to be as often, or even in the same way – but please – won’t someone think of the children?” Photo credit Catholic Church England
Hurting for money after several weeks without holding a single mass, Father Peter Gibbons of St. Margaret’s Parish in Austin, TX is now deeply regretting his decision to buy a 45-gallon trash can for collecting donations. “The optics are off. That’s for sure. I feel like I could have picked a better container,” Gibbons frowned. “I just don’t think the parishioners are believing my story that God told me to buy a heavy duty trash can for this purpose.” As of press time, Gibbons said he would be getting rid of the giant container and be resorting back to good old fashioned Catholic guilt next weekend.
Churches across the world are pushing back against government orders forcing places of worship to remain closed during the coronavirus pandemic. The faithful are claiming that current regulations fly directly in the face of God, who should ultimately decide who will live and who will die. “We feel we are being persecuted for our faith by being told to we must close our doors,” pastor Anthony Spelling of New Orleans stated. “We are all vectors of God’s love and we intend to share and spread that love throughout the community. We won’t be stopped.” While scientists warn that allowing places of worship to reopen will undoubtedly cause further spread of the coronavirus and countless deaths, some admit they are intrigued by the prospects of studying the phenomenon. “We rarely see natural selection in action so clearly, but it makes sense that we would see it right now amongst a segment of the population that has no actual or factual coping mechanism for reality,” leading immunologist Anthony Fauci stated. “It’s time for everyone to grow up.” Fauci concluded by citing Bible scripture. “For those of you who insist that you must be able to enter churches in order to worship, Matthew 18:20 reads ‘For where two or three gather in my name, I am there with them.’ So stay the fuck home!”
With church services across the US cancelled and “God continuing to rightfully punish humans with the coronavirus,” Father Joseph Stevenson of St. Elmo’s Fire Church in Birmingham, Alabama decided to strip nude in his empty church and frolic about; just like he’s always wanted to. “With no staff here, I can finally let my hair down and just be me,” an ecstatic, 67-year old Stevenson shouted to himself over the blaring sound of the pipe organ version of Cher’s hit song “Believe.” “I’ve never felt more alive!” As of press time, Father Stevens couldn’t hear authorities pounding on the doors, looking for an altar boy believed to be trapped somewhere in the locked church; hiding from the elderly, dancing and singing, naked man. “You can see straight through the stained glass windows if you get close enough,” a statement from authorities confirmed. “Eventually Father Stevens will tire himself out, but in the meantime, it’s our responsibility to monitor the situation.” Orig. Photo by Jules & Jenny
The blessing of the official Bible of the US Space Force took place today and religious groups are livid after learning the selected Bible was written in Galactic Basic; the common language found in Star Wars. The White House confirmed that the Bible was selected by president Trump himself who insisted that it be written in Galactic Basic “so that the aliens could understand.”