Biden Says He'll 'Just Bring Some Wheat Thins' If Church Bans Him From Receiving Communion

Biden Says He’ll ‘Just Bring Some Wheat Thins’ If Church Bans Him From Receiving Communion

US Catholic bishops approved the creation of a new official document today that would ban politicians who support abortion rights from receiving Communion. President Joe Biden, who would be barred from the sacrament, gave a brief statement on the issue … Continue reading Biden Says He’ll ‘Just Bring Some Wheat Thins’ If Church Bans Him From Receiving Communion

supreme court rules worlds largest pedophile ring can dictate who adopts children catholic church

Supreme Court Says World’s Largest Pedophile Ring Can Dictate Who’s Allowed To Adopt Children

The United States Supreme Court ruled 9-0 today in favor of allowing the pedophile-ridden Catholic Church to ban LGBTQ+ individuals from adopting children from any of their organizations. The Church released a brief and disturbing statement after the court’s decision. … Continue reading Supreme Court Says World’s Largest Pedophile Ring Can Dictate Who’s Allowed To Adopt Children

Citing Discrimination, Catholic Church Refuses To Bless Same-Sex Marriages Until Age Of Consent Is Lowered

The Catholic church announced this week that they will not be blessing same-sex marriages until the age of consent is lowered to allow bishops, cardinals and priests to marry the young boys that they’ve been grooming for years. “This is … Continue reading Citing Discrimination, Catholic Church Refuses To Bless Same-Sex Marriages Until Age Of Consent Is Lowered

Churches Pushing to Open Doors Are Now Citing God’s Plan For Natural Selection

Churches across the world are pushing back against government orders forcing places of worship to remain closed during the coronavirus pandemic. The faithful are claiming that current regulations fly directly in the face of God, who should ultimately decide who … Continue reading Churches Pushing to Open Doors Are Now Citing God’s Plan For Natural Selection

Priest Who Finally Has Church All to Himself Dances Around in the Nude

With church services across the US cancelled and “God continuing to rightfully punish humans with the coronavirus,” Father Joseph Stevenson of St. Elmo’s Fire Church in Birmingham, Alabama decided to strip nude in his empty church and frolic about; just … Continue reading Priest Who Finally Has Church All to Himself Dances Around in the Nude

Space Force Bible written in Galactic Basic and blessed at National Cathedral sparks outrage

The blessing of the official Bible of the US Space Force took place today and religious groups are livid after learning the selected Bible was written in Galactic Basic; the common language found in Star Wars. The White House confirmed … Continue reading Space Force Bible written in Galactic Basic and blessed at National Cathedral sparks outrage

Retired Pope Benedict breaks silence on blue balls, wet dreams in Church life, and nobody wants to hear it

Former Pope Benedict released his new book today entitled From the Depths of Our Loins: Silk Boxers & Swollen Balls. The book aims to educate the public on the sexual struggles that come with being a clergyman. What do you … Continue reading Retired Pope Benedict breaks silence on blue balls, wet dreams in Church life, and nobody wants to hear it

United Methodist Church kicks out homophobic members for being "weird little bigots"

United Methodist Church kicks out homophobic members for being “weird little bigots”

Leaders of the United Methodist Church announced today that they’ve excommunicated all homophobic church members and clergy from the religious organization. “Followers who are concerned about what other people do with their genitals are welcome to start their own weird, … Continue reading United Methodist Church kicks out homophobic members for being “weird little bigots”

Holy Hell: Pope Francis slapped a woman who grabbed his ass while he was dancing on NYE

A visibly shocked and annoyed Pope Francis had to slap a woman in a crowd at St Peter’s Square during a New Year’s Eve party after she aggressively and repeatedly grabbed his ass. Francis, who had been twerking through the square, had just … Continue reading Holy Hell: Pope Francis slapped a woman who grabbed his ass while he was dancing on NYE

The Salvation Army says it’s donating pocket anuses to the Catholic Church to curb pedophilia

The Salvation Army announced today that they’ll be using $1.58 million in donations to purchase 100,000 pocket anuses for clergymen in the Catholic Church this Christmas. The charity says their goal is to curb pedophilia. “As far as we can … Continue reading The Salvation Army says it’s donating pocket anuses to the Catholic Church to curb pedophilia

The Mormon Church collected $100 billion to buy every American magical underwear

The Mormon Church broke news yesterday that they had amassed over $100 billion in a charity fund over the course of 22 years in order to buy every American “magical underwear”. “Made of unbleached cotton, these stylish full-body jockstraps make … Continue reading The Mormon Church collected $100 billion to buy every American magical underwear

Leaders of Catholic Church Gather to Watch ‘Men in Black II’ & Build Memory-Erasing Machine

“The goal here is to analyze the memory-erasing technology used in the film and then build, disperse and use the devices in every congregation around the world,” Pope Francis stated. Continue reading Leaders of Catholic Church Gather to Watch ‘Men in Black II’ & Build Memory-Erasing Machine