Hurting for money after several weeks without holding a single mass, Father Peter Gibbons of St. Margaret’s Parish in Austin, TX is now deeply regretting his decision to buy a 45-gallon trash can for collecting donations. “The optics are off. That’s for sure. I feel like I could have picked a better container,” Gibbons frowned. “I just don’t think the parishioners are believing my story that God told me to buy a heavy duty trash can for this purpose.” As of press time, Gibbons said he would be getting rid of the giant container and be resorting back to good old fashioned Catholic guilt next weekend.
Churches across the world are pushing back against government orders forcing places of worship to remain closed during the coronavirus pandemic. The faithful are claiming that current regulations fly directly in the face of God, who should ultimately decide who will live and who will die. “We feel we are being persecuted for our faith by being told to we must close our doors,” pastor Anthony Spelling of New Orleans stated. “We are all vectors of God’s love and we intend to share and spread that love throughout the community. We won’t be stopped.” While scientists warn that allowing places of worship to reopen will undoubtedly cause further spread of the coronavirus and countless deaths, some admit they are intrigued by the prospects of studying the phenomenon. “We rarely see natural selection in action so clearly, but it makes sense that we would see it right now amongst a segment of the population that has no actual or factual coping mechanism for reality,” leading immunologist Anthony Fauci stated. “It’s time for everyone to grow up.” Fauci concluded by citing Bible scripture. “For those of you who insist that you must be able to enter churches in order to worship, Matthew 18:20 reads ‘For where two or three gather in my name, I am there with them.’ So stay the fuck home!”
With church services across the US cancelled and “God continuing to rightfully punish humans with the coronavirus,” Father Joseph Stevenson of St. Elmo’s Fire Church in Birmingham, Alabama decided to strip nude in his empty church and frolic about; just like he’s always wanted to. “With no staff here, I can finally let my hair down and just be me,” an ecstatic, 67-year old Stevenson shouted to himself over the blaring sound of the pipe organ version of Cher’s hit song “Believe.” “I’ve never felt more alive!” As of press time, Father Stevens couldn’t hear authorities pounding on the doors, looking for an altar boy believed to be trapped somewhere in the locked church; hiding from the elderly, dancing and singing, naked man. “You can see straight through the stained glass windows if you get close enough,” a statement from authorities confirmed. “Eventually Father Stevens will tire himself out, but in the meantime, it’s our responsibility to monitor the situation.” Orig. Photo by Jules & Jenny
The blessing of the official Bible of the US Space Force took place today and religious groups are livid after learning the selected Bible was written in Galactic Basic; the common language found in Star Wars. The White House confirmed that the Bible was selected by president Trump himself who insisted that it be written in Galactic Basic “so that the aliens could understand.”
Former Pope Benedict released his new book today entitled From the Depths of Our Loins: Silk Boxers & Swollen Balls. The book aims to educate the public on the sexual struggles that come with being a clergyman. What do you think? “So that’s disgusting.” – Julia Lorrens, Health Teacher “Unless it comes with advice on how to get this old pecker pumping, I’m not interested.” – Harold Higgins, Pharmaceutical Sales Rep. “I just wear silk boxers and go for a jog. Blue balls solved!” – Justin Parks, Asexual Stripper photo credit manhhai
Leaders of the United Methodist Church announced today that they’ve excommunicated all homophobic church members and clergy from the religious organization. “Followers who are concerned about what other people do with their genitals are welcome to start their own weird, little, bigoted religion,” Bishop Kenneth H. Carter stated. “We want no part of their thinly-veiled hatred for people who are different from them.” Hours later, excommunicated church members announced that they’ve already started the “Straight Power Methodist” denomination where self-loathing homosexuals are still welcome.
A visibly shocked and annoyed Pope Francis had to slap a woman in a crowd at St Peter’s Square during a New Year’s Eve party after she aggressively and repeatedly grabbed his ass. Francis, who had been twerking through the square, had just finished grinding with a young boy. The Pope then turned and started shaking his ass at the crowd. Just then, a nearby woman lunged, seized his cheeks, and pull him towards her. The abrupt humping motion seemed to cause him pain as Francis swiftly slapped the woman before pulling his ass free and dancing his way back toward the boy. As of press time the woman in question had been identified, charged with sexual assault, and excommunicated from the Church. Meanwhile, Francis and the boy were spotted this morning having brunch. The two were then headed to purchase the teenager a brand new car, the latest iPhone, and whatever else it takes to get past last night’s trauma.