A Republican nightmare is unfolding as House Democrats passed a bill today that would require all US citizens to stand and salute the rainbow flag before every sporting event. The move comes just days after it became mandatory for US embassies to fly the rainbow flag – which is a symbol of pride and diversity for the LGBTQ+ community. The bill also states that, once The Village People’s song “YMCA” has finished playing, all event attendees will be required to kiss the nearest member of the same sex. “It can just be a tiny peck on the cheek – which really shouldn’t bother anyone who’s secure in their sexuality,” Kamala Harris told reporters. “What we’re trying to do here is promote love and equality. It’s not like we’re asking you to shove your tongue down a stranger’s throat. That comes once COVID is over.” Notably, writers of the bill say that they selected “YMCA” as a “common ground song,” since former president Donald Trump would play it without fail before all of his rallies. “People who are not used to treating everyone with love and equality can at least feel some comfort when they hear that old, familiar tune,” Harris confirmed.
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Just hours after declaring that athletes should keep personal politics out of sports, former NFL quarterback Brett Favre sent a series of unsolicited sexual photos to several female sports journalists at both CNN and Fox News. According to recipients, the latest Favre dick pics clearly showed a tattoo that read “shut up about politics” which ran along the shaft. Photo credit Arnie Papp
As the clock ran out on Super Bowl LV, Kansas City Chiefs head coach Andy Reid looked up at the scoreboard and said he knew deep down that something fishy was going on. “I felt sick to my stomach. There were points on the board that seemed to come out of nowhere,” a visibly frustrated Reid stated. “Not to mention there’s no way that a sleepy, 43 year-old Tom Brady could have defeated a young, spry 25 year-old Mahomes without cheating. That’s a fact.” The red-faced Reid continued. “The Super Bowl is far from over! If you believe in a free and fair NFL, then we must stand up against this travesty,” Reid stated. “As far as I’m concerned, we’re still the reigning Super Bowl champions and we won’t relinquish this title to a bunch of cheaters.” In response to the accusations, NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell gave a public statement. “I don’t know why the Chiefs think they can change the outcome of a game when we all clearly saw what happened. It was broadcast live on national television,” Goodell stated. “Honestly, if they want to have any chance at challenging the Super Bowl results, they should consider moving to an alternate reality.” As of press time, countless Chiefs fans were congregating in Midtown Manhattan to listen to Andy Reid give an impassioned speech about the so-called controversy before turning around and storming the National Football League Headquarters.
The NFL made the astonishing announcement today that they have deflated 72 footballs to Tom Brady’s ideal pounds per square inch (psi) in preparation for the Super Bowl. Unsurprisingly the revelation has left many in the league both baffled and upset, prompting the NFL to explain its actions. “Except for the 36 footballs that will be used for kicking, we’ve gone ahead and deflated the pigskins to Tom Brady’s ideal firmness. Specifically, we’ve taken them from 13 down to 9.7745 psi in order to ensure for a more exciting and high scoring game,” NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell stated. Goodell admits the deflated footballs will give Brady a “slight advantage” over Patrick Mahomes, but emphasized that it will give the Chiefs quarterback a “somewhat easier time” throwing the ball. Goodell then mentioned that the NFL was trying to account for Brady’s age. “Tom Brady is 43 years-old, Mahomes is only 25,” Goodell stated. “So, in a way, we’ve sort of evened the playing field here.” Goodell concluded his announcement by adding that referees will also be assisting Brady and the Buccaneers. “If the footballs aren’t enough to help Tampa Bay win, we’ve given our refs the go-ahead to make erroneous pass interference calls against the Chiefs in the 4th quarter,” Goodell stated. “Honestly, we’ll do pretty much anything we can to help Mr. Brady reach his 7th Super Bowl victory. It just makes for a good story.” Photo Credit All-Pro Reels
Former NBA player Charles Barkley was checked into the hospital last night after he told a stunned TV audience that NBA, NFL, and NHL players should be given the COVID-19 vaccine first “because they pay more in taxes.” By the time he finished his statement, Barkley’s body had already subconsciously removed his right shoe and sock from his foot and begun pulling the appendage up to his mouth. He then unhinged his jaw and firmly lodged the entire size 16 foot into his mouth before the show cut to commercial. As of press time Barkley’s foot had been successfully removed from his mouth, but doctors warned that – because of his unchecked privilege – the former athlete is also very susceptible to getting his head stuck up his own ass.
Citing the fact that the New York Jets are incapable of catching anything, NFL commissioner Roger Goodell announced today that the 0-11 team is now exempt from the league’s COVID rules. “Since they clearly couldn’t catch anything to save their lives, we believe that it’s safe to say that they couldn’t catch anything off the field – even if they tried,” Goodell confirmed in a press conference.