Senator Lindsey Olin Graham, a Southern belle from the great state of South Carolina, suggested to the public today that they all head to the stables, hop on their favorite horse, and play a rousing game of polo. “A horseback mounted team sport is a simply marvelous way to pass the time during this unprecedented virus outbreak,” Graham stated while dabbing his brow with a handkerchief. “Polo is a wonderful game that allows all Americans to stay 6-feet apart while spending quality time with their horses and staying active.” Graham finished his speech by assuring Americans that their private polo clubs will remain open as long as he’s in Congress. The Senator then climbed aboard his stagecoach and rode away to his plantation. Advertisements
The Tampa Bay Buccaneers finished removing air from all 1,340 of their practice footballs today after officially securing star quarterback Tom Brady for the next two years. “We’ve got that balls deflated down to 91% capacity, just like Tom Likes it,” head coach Bruce Arians stated. “And I gotta say, it’s so much easier to hold the ball this way. Tom’s a genius!” Coach Arians also confirmed that the Buccaneers’ contract with Brady requires the team provide hidden camera experts to film the other teams’ practices. “It’s a minor detail and it’s just something we had to agree to in order to get Tom. The Patriots did it, and now we’re doing it so that Tom has everything he needs to win.” As of press time, the team says they’ve already put millions of dollars aside to pay for all of the league violations that inevitably come with having Tom Brady on your team.
After the artists who created the Philadelphia Phanatic mascot asked to be compensated for their work, the Philadelphia Phillies went ahead and modified the character to avoid making a payout. The team says that other than adding a two-foot cock, their mascot will still be the same antic-filled, animated goofball he’s always been.
President Trump served as the Grand Marshall at this year’s Daytona 500 yesterday. The race marked the 19th anniversary of Dale Earnhardt’s fatal crash at the same event and president Trump had harsh words for the deceased race car driver. “You know, they say he was one of the greatest. They even called him ‘The Intimidator’ folks! You can’t make this up,” Trump stated. “All you do is left turn, left turn, left turn, and maybe there’s a right in there. I don’t know. I don’t know. But it’s simple turns and Dale just drives into a wall. I prefer drivers who don’t crash.”
“If this will lift the curse from constructing Arrowhead Stadium on an Indian burial ground, then we’re willing to let it slide.” – Chiefs CEO Clark Hunt
37 year-old Doug Martin of Torrance, California now deeply regrets inviting his parents over to his Super Bowl party after overhearing his mom Maurine Martin half-moan, half-whisper “I don’t care if he lost, that Jimmy Garoppolo can get it, get it. GET IT!” when she thought she was alone in the his kitchen. “I can’t un-hear what I heard,” Martin frowned. “It’s not that Jimmy Garoppolo isn’t hot, because my dad and I both think he is. It’s just that I don’t want to think about my mom in that way.”
The Houston Astros returned over 750 signs today that the team stole from various cities they played in during 2019.