The Houston Astros returned over 750 signs today that the team stole from various cities they played in during 2019. Advertisements
If you’ve ever considered training for a marathon, but you’re a bit intimidated by the idea of 26.2 miles, here’s some other, faster ways to destroy your body in the exact same ways. 1. Rub your nipples with sandpaper. Nothing says “I just ran a marathon” like bloody nipple stains on your shirt. This one’s a real time saver too. While it may take up to an hour of constant running to successfully destroy the areola region, sandpaper can do the trick in mere seconds. 2. Take a lighter to your heels and toes to give yourself blisters. Even when they find the best socks and shoes, most runners are in a constant battle with blisters on their feet. Save lots of money by never purchasing running shoes, head on down to the corner 7-Eleven, grab a $1 Bic lighter and go to town on your tootsies. 3. Hit yourself in the shins with a hammer. Lie like the president and tell people you have shin splints. No repetitive running needed here. Just grab a hammer from the tool bag and give your lower leg a swift crack with a mallet.
NBA fans are divided over a new camera angle that the league tested out during the Lakers vs Clippers game on Christmas Day. The view, which points the camera directly up players’ shorts when they are anywhere in the key, was sponsored by Nike to provide better shots of players’ shoes. “We only had the best intentions,” Nike CEO Mark Parker stated. “We saw a marketing opportunity and took it. We didn’t even think for a second that professional basketball players would consider wearing boxers, much less no underwear during a game.” Those watching the Christmas Day game were frequently treated to 3-second live shots of private parts jostling about as Lakers center JaVale McGee posted up and pushed for positioning against Ivica Zubac – neither player was wearing any underwear.
New England Patriots videographer Brian Stewart was caught filming the 1-13 Cincinnati Bengals’ sideline today in an effort to learn how the Bengals could possibly be so bad. “There’s nothing to learn from the Bengals other than what not to do,” Stewart stated. “We wanted to make sure that the Patriots are never as terrible as them.” As a penalty the NFL says it will give the Patriots’ opponents a 7-point lead to begin every game for the entire 2020-2021 season.
The NFL announced today that they’ve begun an investigation into the role of the so-called ‘Madden Curse’ in connection to concussions and other injuries. The league now believes that the curse extends to all players, not just those featured on the cover of the Madden football games. “We’re not saying all injuries are from the curse, but it’s probably at least 85 percent,” NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell stated. “Football is a safe, but haunted sport.” Moving forward, Goodell has asked former player Tim Tebow to organize a large-scale blessing so that God can not only pick winners, but also keep all of the players safe. Photo by Erin Costa