“If this will lift the curse from constructing Arrowhead Stadium on an Indian burial ground, then we’re willing to let it slide.” – Chiefs CEO Clark Hunt
37 year-old Doug Martin of Torrance, California now deeply regrets inviting his parents over to his Super Bowl party after overhearing his mom Maurine Martin half-moan, half-whisper “I don’t care if he lost, that Jimmy Garoppolo can get it, get it. GET IT!” when she thought she was alone in the his kitchen. “I can’t un-hear what I heard,” Martin frowned. “It’s not that Jimmy Garoppolo isn’t hot, because my dad and I both think he is. It’s just that I don’t want to think about my mom in that way.”
The Houston Astros returned over 750 signs today that the team stole from various cities they played in during 2019.
If you’ve ever considered training for a marathon, but you’re a bit intimidated by the idea of 26.2 miles, here’s some other, faster ways to destroy your body in the exact same ways. 1. Rub your nipples with sandpaper. Nothing says “I just ran a marathon” like bloody nipple stains on your shirt. This one’s a real time saver too. While it may take up to an hour of constant running to successfully destroy the areola region, sandpaper can do the trick in mere seconds. 2. Take a lighter to your heels and toes to give yourself blisters. Even when they find the best socks and shoes, most runners are in a constant battle with blisters on their feet. Save lots of money by never purchasing running shoes, head on down to the corner 7-Eleven, grab a $1 Bic lighter and go to town on your tootsies. 3. Hit yourself in the shins with a hammer. Lie like the president and tell people you have shin splints. No repetitive running needed here. Just grab a hammer from the tool bag and give your lower leg a swift crack with a mallet.
NBA fans are divided over a new camera angle that the league tested out during the Lakers vs Clippers game on Christmas Day. The view, which points the camera directly up players’ shorts when they are anywhere in the key, was sponsored by Nike to provide better shots of players’ shoes. “We only had the best intentions,” Nike CEO Mark Parker stated. “We saw a marketing opportunity and took it. We didn’t even think for a second that professional basketball players would consider wearing boxers, much less no underwear during a game.” Those watching the Christmas Day game were frequently treated to 3-second live shots of private parts jostling about as Lakers center JaVale McGee posted up and pushed for positioning against Ivica Zubac – neither player was wearing any underwear.
New England Patriots videographer Brian Stewart was caught filming the 1-13 Cincinnati Bengals’ sideline today in an effort to learn how the Bengals could possibly be so bad. “There’s nothing to learn from the Bengals other than what not to do,” Stewart stated. “We wanted to make sure that the Patriots are never as terrible as them.” As a penalty the NFL says it will give the Patriots’ opponents a 7-point lead to begin every game for the entire 2020-2021 season.