The NFL announced today that they’ve begun an investigation into the role of the so-called ‘Madden Curse’ in connection to concussions and other injuries. The league now believes that the curse extends to all players, not just those featured on the cover of the Madden football games. “We’re not saying all injuries are from the curse, but it’s probably at least 85 percent,” NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell stated. “Football is a safe, but haunted sport.” Moving forward, Goodell has asked former player Tim Tebow to organize a large-scale blessing so that God can not only pick winners, but also keep all of the players safe. Photo by Erin Costa
Major League Baseball Commissioner Rob Manfred announced today that the league may begin burying explosive devices around the field to increase viewership next year. “Baseball is a relatively sedentary sport comprised of hours of groin itching, spitting and – on average – 2.75 exciting plays per game,” Manfred stated. “By burying 10 or so active landmines throughout the field we should certainly pique the fans’ interest.”
Eli Manning has retired from the NFL after being replaced by rookie quarterback Daniel Jones. The two-time Super Bowl MVP inked a deal with GEICO within hours. “He may not be an NFL starter anymore, but we do believe he is still insurance salesman material,” Giants’ head coach Pat Shurmur stated. “I look forward to watching Eli and Peyton going head to head again in the automobile, home, renters and life insurance arena.” Photo by Tom Hanny
Another Tennessee Titans mascot has spontaneously combusted on live TV, the latest during last night’s game against the Indianapolis Colts. Investigators say this is the fifth T-Rac the raccoon to burst into flames without a know cause. Stadium Photo by Casey Fleser
The NFL is in hot water again – this time for using human kidneys as football bladders which are used in official game balls during the regular and post-season. For 14 seasons the NFL has purchased over 3,500 kidneys on a yearly basis from medical facilities. During the same time, the US kidney transplant waiting list has grown and now nears 100,000 patients. “We get that families are mad that donated kidneys aren’t being used as intended.” NFL commissioner Roger Goodell stated. “But isn’t it exciting to think that, after you die, your kidney could be inside of the ball that scores the game-winning touchdown in the Superbowl?” Photo credit Andy Miah
There’s a good chance your favorite football player just had a hot enema before taking the field when you watch this Sunday.