Louisiana Governor John Bel Edwards was strong-armed into beginning Phase 3 of reopening today despite COVID-19 cases in his state being on the rise. Edwards says the move is “not ideal, but necessary” due to the fact that citizens said they would literally kill him and anyone else who stands in the way of this year’s football season. “You can’t fix stupid. This is Louisiana, so logic goes right out the door when it comes to science in general,” Edwards stated. “We have grown adults that would rather cheer as young, concussed men tackle each other in spandex than deal with the fact that a virus is killing off their friends and family.” Edwards continued. “These so-called ‘diehard’ football fans have finally gotten a chance to prove themselves this year, and as it turns out, they really are moronic enough to let themselves and others die for a fucking game,” Edwards stated. As of press time, Edwards was fearful that Louisiana may have to shut down again within a month or two as COVID cases will inevitably spike from the premature move to Phase 3. “I just want to take the time today, while I have it, to tell my friends and family that I love them very much,” a tearful Edwards stated. “I say this because there’s a very real chance that we’ll be forced to cancel the football season after a few weeks, and I can’t imagine surviving the backlash.” Photo Credit Tammy Anthony Baker
Former NFL player and coach Mike Ditka says he’s having an increasingly difficult time achieving orgasm during the national anthem like he used to. Ditka says the reason for his troubles is that he’s become distracted by liberals sitting, keeling, walking out, not removing hats, and not placing their hands over their hearts during the song. “I used to be able to finish with no hands, but now I can’t stay focused at all during the anthem. It’s like I’m trying to get to climax with my fellow patriots, but my mind wanders to commie liberals and I can’t key into those feelings of pleasure like I used to,” Ditka stated. “Eventually I just get frustrated because I can’t focus on freedom and I give up because it’s way too hard to finish when you’re crying.” As of press time Ditka was calling for all liberals who refuse to stand for the national anthem to leave the country so that he can once again jizz his pants during the song. Photo credit WEBN-TV
(Buffalo, New York) Local man Bryan James, who proudly announced from the couch today that he could outpitch 79-year-old Dr. Fauci, somehow couldn’t find the strength to watch as members of the Yankees and Nationals took a knee before today’s baseball game. Wife Karen James says Bryan got emotional and had to change the channel when he saw that everyone was kneeling. “Bryan was very proud of himself when he let the family know that he could toss the ball toward home plate better than Fauci. He even said he won’t trust a man who doesn’t know how to throw a baseball,” Karen stated. “But when my Bryan saw all those men kneeling in solidarity with the socialist, racist terrorists – well he lost his mind.” Karen says her husband began throwing things at their brand new 65″ smart TV. “Luckily for us Bryan didn’t hit the TV with a darn thing,” Karen stated. “He also didn’t throw hard enough to make any marks or dents in the wall, so things could certainly have been worse.” As of Thursday night Bryan was icing his now injured throwing shoulder and bragging that he could still outpitch Dr. Fauci with his left hand.
The Washington Redskins announced today that they’ve finally found a more fitting name for their organization after it was revealed that at least 15 women have reported instances of sexual harassment, including unwanted touching. The franchise says that after much debate it has settled on the Washington Gropers. Reportedly, other names that were being considered included the Washington Non-Disclosure Agreements and the Washington Molesters.
Well, it’s not what anyone expected, but it’s something. The Washington Redskins have announced that they will be keeping their name, but changing their mascot to a red potato. “You’ll notice that the red potato has a red colored skin on it, making the vegetable directly applicable to the name,” Redskins majority owner Daniel Snyder stated. “And as a nod to our past, we’ve kept the two feathers. Sure, the design is atrocious, but as an organization we’ll be saving millions on rebranding.” Interestingly, the Redskins decision has inspired other teams such as the Kansas City Chiefs to consider the new mascot Master Chief from Halo and the Altanta Braves to adopt the character Merida from the movie Brave.
The National Football League announced today that it will be playing three distinct audio files before each football game throughout the 2020 season. First, the black national anthem, second the Billy Bush-Access Hollywood tape in which president Trump says ‘Grab her by the pussy,’ and finally the national anthem. The NFL says the entire playlist should run a total of 15 minutes and is meant to remind Americans of black history, modern history, and American tradition, respectively. “The NFL is now a place to have open political conversations,” a statement from the NFL read. “We want to remind American’s of our nation’s history all while acknowledging the present and celebrating the past. These songs and sounds perfectly encapsulate these things.” The NFL says that it hopes all viewers will become familiar with the lyrics of the black national anthem and the uncensored lines from Trump’s Access Hollywood tapes, which read: “I moved on her, and I failed. I’ll admit it. I did try and fuck her. She was married. And I moved on her very heavily. In fact, I took her out furniture shopping. She wanted to get some furniture. I said, ‘I’ll show you where they have some nice furniture.’ I took her out – I moved on her like a bitch. But I couldn’t get there. And she was married. Then all of a sudden I see her, she’s now got the big phony tits and everything. She’s totally changed her look. I better use some Tic Tacs just in case I start kissing her. You know I’m automatically attracted to beautiful – I just start kissing them. It’s like a magnet. Just kiss. I don’t even wait. And when you’re a star, they let you do it. You can do anything. Grab ’em by the pussy. You can do anything.”
UCLA has fired head coach Chip Kelly and replaced him with the Director of the National Institute of Allergy and Infectious Diseases, Dr. Anthony Fauci. The schools says the decision comes after realizing that they can’t win if the whole football organization comes down with COVID-19 for weeks on end. “It’s estimated that almost every team will be stricken with the coronavirus at some point in the season,” UCLA athletic officials stated. “Having the leading immunologist in the nation coaching our team on how to avoid contracting COVID will be instrumental in the Bruins making it to the national championship.” Soon after UCLA’s announcement, and just minutes after being hired, Dr. Fauci went ahead and cancelled the UCLA football season entirely, stating that “even if the coronavirus disappeared today, there is still no safe way to play the sport of football as it currently exists.”