As the clock ran out on Super Bowl LV, Kansas City Chiefs head coach Andy Reid looked up at the scoreboard and said he knew deep down that something fishy was going on. “I felt sick to my stomach. There were points on the board that seemed to come out of nowhere,” a visibly frustrated Reid stated. “Not to mention there’s no way that a sleepy, 43 year-old Tom Brady could have defeated a young, spry 25 year-old Mahomes without cheating. That’s a fact.” The red-faced Reid continued. “The Super Bowl is far from over! If you believe in a free and fair NFL, then we must stand up against this travesty,” Reid stated. “As far as I’m concerned, we’re still the reigning Super Bowl champions and we won’t relinquish this title to a bunch of cheaters.” In response to the accusations, NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell gave a public statement. “I don’t know why the Chiefs think they can change the outcome of a game when we all clearly saw what happened. It was broadcast live on national television,” Goodell stated. “Honestly, if they want to have any chance at challenging the Super Bowl results, they should consider moving to an alternate reality.” As of press time, countless Chiefs fans were congregating in Midtown Manhattan to listen to Andy Reid give an impassioned speech about the so-called controversy before turning around and storming the National Football League Headquarters.
The NFL made the astonishing announcement today that they have deflated 72 footballs to Tom Brady’s ideal pounds per square inch (psi) in preparation for the Super Bowl. Unsurprisingly the revelation has left many in the league both baffled and upset, prompting the NFL to explain its actions. “Except for the 36 footballs that will be used for kicking, we’ve gone ahead and deflated the pigskins to Tom Brady’s ideal firmness. Specifically, we’ve taken them from 13 down to 9.7745 psi in order to ensure for a more exciting and high scoring game,” NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell stated. Goodell admits the deflated footballs will give Brady a “slight advantage” over Patrick Mahomes, but emphasized that it will give the Chiefs quarterback a “somewhat easier time” throwing the ball. Goodell then mentioned that the NFL was trying to account for Brady’s age. “Tom Brady is 43 years-old, Mahomes is only 25,” Goodell stated. “So, in a way, we’ve sort of evened the playing field here.” Goodell concluded his announcement by adding that referees will also be assisting Brady and the Buccaneers. “If the footballs aren’t enough to help Tampa Bay win, we’ve given our refs the go-ahead to make erroneous pass interference calls against the Chiefs in the 4th quarter,” Goodell stated. “Honestly, we’ll do pretty much anything we can to help Mr. Brady reach his 7th Super Bowl victory. It just makes for a good story.” Photo Credit All-Pro Reels
Former NBA player Charles Barkley was checked into the hospital last night after he told a stunned TV audience that NBA, NFL, and NHL players should be given the COVID-19 vaccine first “because they pay more in taxes.” By the time he finished his statement, Barkley’s body had already subconsciously removed his right shoe and sock from his foot and begun pulling the appendage up to his mouth. He then unhinged his jaw and firmly lodged the entire size 16 foot into his mouth before the show cut to commercial. As of press time Barkley’s foot had been successfully removed from his mouth, but doctors warned that – because of his unchecked privilege – the former athlete is also very susceptible to getting his head stuck up his own ass.
Citing the fact that the New York Jets are incapable of catching anything, NFL commissioner Roger Goodell announced today that the 0-11 team is now exempt from the league’s COVID rules. “Since they clearly couldn’t catch anything to save their lives, we believe that it’s safe to say that they couldn’t catch anything off the field – even if they tried,” Goodell confirmed in a press conference.
The Denver Broncos are in a rough spot today as all four of their quarterbacks were exposed to the coronavirus and must sit out of today’s game. Contact tracing is now leading the Broncos to believe that it was their open-mouth kissing drills that may have helped to spread the virus. “We’re a tight-knit team,” head coach Vic Fangio stated. “The kissing drills have been a part of our practice ever since Tim Tebow suggested it while in the showers back in 2010. Maybe we’ll bring it back after the vaccine, but for now we’re stopping with close physical contact except for during games when we all end up in a giant pile of man, sweat, and spandex after nearly every play.”
Louisiana Governor John Bel Edwards was strong-armed into beginning Phase 3 of reopening today despite COVID-19 cases in his state being on the rise. Edwards says the move is “not ideal, but necessary” due to the fact that citizens said they would literally kill him and anyone else who stands in the way of this year’s football season. “You can’t fix stupid. This is Louisiana, so logic goes right out the door when it comes to science in general,” Edwards stated. “We have grown adults that would rather cheer as young, concussed men tackle each other in spandex than deal with the fact that a virus is killing off their friends and family.” Edwards continued. “These so-called ‘diehard’ football fans have finally gotten a chance to prove themselves this year, and as it turns out, they really are moronic enough to let themselves and others die for a fucking game,” Edwards stated. As of press time, Edwards was fearful that Louisiana may have to shut down again within a month or two as COVID cases will inevitably spike from the premature move to Phase 3. “I just want to take the time today, while I have it, to tell my friends and family that I love them very much,” a tearful Edwards stated. “I say this because there’s a very real chance that we’ll be forced to cancel the football season after a few weeks, and I can’t imagine surviving the backlash.” Photo Credit Tammy Anthony Baker
Former NFL player and coach Mike Ditka says he’s having an increasingly difficult time achieving orgasm during the national anthem like he used to. Ditka says the reason for his troubles is that he’s become distracted by liberals sitting, keeling, walking out, not removing hats, and not placing their hands over their hearts during the song. “I used to be able to finish with no hands, but now I can’t stay focused at all during the anthem. It’s like I’m trying to get to climax with my fellow patriots, but my mind wanders to commie liberals and I can’t key into those feelings of pleasure like I used to,” Ditka stated. “Eventually I just get frustrated because I can’t focus on freedom and I give up because it’s way too hard to finish when you’re crying.” As of press time Ditka was calling for all liberals who refuse to stand for the national anthem to leave the country so that he can once again jizz his pants during the song. Photo credit WEBN-TV