“We sell the meat to Taco Bell, send a bunch of parts to candy factories and use the rest to make high-end huffing glue.”
“The Washington Redskins select any Native American. That’s right. Any. Just send anyone, but preferably someone athletic or okay with doing commercials.”
“The only sexual contact permitted in China for the foreseeable future will be homosexual in nature,” President Jinping stated while intertwining his fingers with NBA star Yao Ming.
“Most of the leathery, ball-related action on the field actually takes place in the players’ jockstraps,” Commissioner Rob Manfred stated.
“We’re not saying that blind people should encircle DeVos and beat her with their white canes,” the statement read. “But we’re not, not saying it either.”
“Papa John’s confirms that Shaq will be allowed to say the N-word at his discretion within his seven contracted advertisements.”
“If this will lift the curse from constructing Arrowhead Stadium on an Indian burial ground, then we’re willing to let it slide.” – Chiefs CEO Clark Hunt
South Carolina Governor Henry McMaster announced today that he will be performing the national anthem before the Super Bowl utilizing only his anus. Known for being outspoken – having demanded that everyone stand for the national anthem – McMaster says he’s been practicing for years and can ‘hit every note, low and high.’ In response […]
Trump starts gagging and declares that ‘the golden juice went down the wrong pipe!’
Ginsburg didn’t know she’d broken her ribs until bruising showed through her tattoos.
Nigerian fans brought 2,500 colorfully-painted, live chickens into Russia’s Kaliningrad Stadium.
Team refuses to speak to straight, male figure skater. #WinterOlympics
“The last time that Tom was this upset was after the 31-0 loss to the Bills in 2003.”
“I wouldn’t necessarily call it cheating. That’s not the correct wording,” said Bilichick.
The visually impaired are suddenly excelling at winter sports and scientists want to know why.
“This move to male cheerleaders is a conscious effort to push back against female objectific…”
Brady will be given a locker farther away from other players.
Citing differing opinions regarding Freedom of Speech as found in the First Amendment of the U.S. Constitution, fans in section 129 of the Carolina Panthers vs. San Francisco 49ers game spent the 12-minute halftime respectfully debating the merits of free speech in relation to patriotism.
“I would always tell him that it’s not a good idea to eat a ‘snack’ before, during, and after each hole at one of his world-renowned golf courses,” sadly…
With Tannehill likely out for the year, an opening was created for Culter to come in and really disappoint Miami fans…
“In lieu of officially being called “The Redskins,” the team has announced – in a short press release – that they will now go by “The Washington…”
“Dennis is cool. He’s not a weird guy, and he knows a lot about football, but the other guys just didn’t seem comfortable, whatsoever, with his humor,” stated Sorenson…
Brady revealed that he was “very hurt” by the NFL’s decision to ban him for 4 games. Further, the release stated that he “couldn’t stand to see his team slighted like this” – referring to the lost draft picks and $1 million fine.
“I will be abstaining from the locker room, and football i guess, for awhile because God spoke to me and told me that I should stop doing what I’m doing,” said Wilson. ” I told God right then and there that I would..
(Photo by BrokenSphere. No endorsement implied) Sources say a Raiders fan that was hit with an offhand comment while at a San Francisco bar was leaking from the tear ducts as he was being carried out. Authorities report that he has sustained pride-threatening injuries. Onlookers have commented that all or part of the words shot […]
In a new, bizarre revelation the deal that the Philadelphia Eagles made with former NFL quarterback Tim Tebow has been adjusted once more at Tebow’s request. What was initially a $0 guarantee if he were cut from the team has now turned into one big ZERO – no matter what.