Well, it’s not what anyone expected, but it’s something. The Washington Redskins have announced that they will be keeping their name, but changing their mascot to a red potato. “You’ll notice that the red potato has a red colored skin on it, making the vegetable directly applicable to the name,” Redskins majority owner Daniel Snyder stated. “And as a nod to our past, we’ve kept the two feathers. Sure, the design is atrocious, but as an organization we’ll be saving millions on rebranding.” Interestingly, the Redskins decision has inspired other teams such as the Kansas City Chiefs to consider the new mascot Master Chief from Halo and the Altanta Braves to adopt the character Merida from the movie Brave. Advertisements
The National Football League announced today that it will be playing three distinct audio files before each football game throughout the 2020 season. First, the black national anthem, second the Billy Bush-Access Hollywood tape in which president Trump says ‘Grab her by the pussy,’ and finally the national anthem. The NFL says the entire playlist should run a total of 15 minutes and is meant to remind Americans of black history, modern history, and American tradition, respectively. “The NFL is now a place to have open political conversations,” a statement from the NFL read. “We want to remind American’s of our nation’s history all while acknowledging the present and celebrating the past. These songs and sounds perfectly encapsulate these things.” The NFL says that it hopes all viewers will become familiar with the lyrics of the black national anthem and the uncensored lines from Trump’s Access Hollywood tapes, which read: “I moved on her, and I failed. I’ll admit it. I did try and fuck her. She was married. And I moved on her very heavily. In fact, I took her out furniture shopping. She wanted to get some furniture. I said, ‘I’ll show you where they have some nice furniture.’ I took her out – I moved on her like a bitch. But I couldn’t get there. And she was married. Then all of a sudden I see her, she’s now got the big phony tits and everything. She’s totally changed her look. I better use some Tic Tacs just in case I start kissing her. You know I’m automatically attracted to beautiful – I just start kissing them. It’s like a magnet. Just kiss. I don’t even wait. And when you’re a star, they let you do it. You can do anything. Grab ’em by the pussy. You can do anything.”
UCLA has fired head coach Chip Kelly and replaced him with the Director of the National Institute of Allergy and Infectious Diseases, Dr. Anthony Fauci. The schools says the decision comes after realizing that they can’t win if the whole football organization comes down with COVID-19 for weeks on end. “It’s estimated that almost every team will be stricken with the coronavirus at some point in the season,” UCLA athletic officials stated. “Having the leading immunologist in the nation coaching our team on how to avoid contracting COVID will be instrumental in the Bruins making it to the national championship.” Soon after UCLA’s announcement, and just minutes after being hired, Dr. Fauci went ahead and cancelled the UCLA football season entirely, stating that “even if the coronavirus disappeared today, there is still no safe way to play the sport of football as it currently exists.”
A handful of NASCAR drivers led by Ray Ciccarelli have announced that they plan to start a new stock car racing league. Ciccarelli says the move is a direct rebuke of NASCAR’s ban on the Confederate flag from all official events. The newly formed organization called ‘RACECAR’ – which stands for the Racing Association for Confederacy Enthusiasts, Caucasians, And Racists – says it will be hosting races like The White Power 500 beginning as early as August. “We’re catering to a specific, surprisingly large, diehard audience. You know, people who still want to secede From the Union, people who think slavery wasn’t all that bad, and people who don’t have time to learn any American history,” Ciccarelli stated. Notably, RACECAR has already secured likeminded sponsors, which include: Fox News, Hobby Lobby, Chick-fil-A, BP, Home Depot, SoulCycle, Marvel Entertainment, Bubba Gump Shrimp Co., Joe’s Crab Shack, Cracker Barrel, UFC, WWE, CVS and Facebook/Instagram.
Countless white fans are itching for sports and their championship games to resume so that they have their own reason to loot and riot. One Philadelphia Eagles fan, Michael Hillard, says he’s been wanting to “fuck some shit up” for two years. “We haven’t had ourselves a decent riot since the 2018 Super Bowl when the Eagles beat the Patriots,” Hillard stated. “We were flipping cars, pulling down streetlights, and lighting fires; not because we wanted to, but because we had to. There’s really no other way to express yourself when you’re dealing with the life and death issue that is sports.” Photo Credit Rommy Ghaly
With the Cincinnati Bengals cutting Andy Dalton, the NFL says it has finally cleared the entire league of openly-redheaded players. NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell praised the move by the Bengals, calling people with red hair a ‘distraction’. “We’ve been trying to stop and reverse the inundation of redheads in the NFL for years,” Goodell stated. “Today, we can proudly say that we’ve succeeded!” Notably, the Bengals claim that they had given Dalton the option of shaving his head like redheaded tight end Jimmy Graham, but the quarterback refused to hide or even change his hair color. “I am who I am and I refuse to apologize for it,” an emotional Dalton told reporters. “The NFL will be hearing from my lawyers.” As of press time, Goodell warned that any team that signs Dalton will be hit with a $150 million fine.
Echoing the famous line from the 2005 hit film Brokeback Mountain, an emotional Rob Gronkowski announced his return to the NFL by telling former teammate and star quarterback Tom Brady that he was coming back just to be with him. “I can’t quit you!” Gronkowski sobbed. “So I’m coming to Tampa Bay. I’m coming back to be your tight end Tom. I love you.” As of press time Gronkowski had already secured a locker right next to Brady and the two men had started deflating footballs.