Ted Cruz Vanishes After Zodiac Killer Cypher Cracked

YouReadyGrandma

According to his wife and several sources close to him, Ted Cruz went missing today right after news broke that the Zodiac Killer’s cypher was cracked. Authorities say that they found Cruz’s shitty beard hair shaved off in a bathroom trash can of his Texas home. “The general public is being warned to look out for a creepy, baby-faced Ted Cruz who is now our prime suspect in the Zodiac murders,” an official statement read. “Everyone in the country always knew something was off about him – now we know why. So we’re offering up $100,000 to anyone who assists in the capture of Mr. Cruz. We’ll make it $250,000 if he’s knocked unconscious so we don’t have to talk to him.” Photo credit Gage Skidmore

Ted Cruz fights bill banning members of Congress from watching porn at work

The bill was expected to pass unanimously, but has turned into an inexplicable, one-man filibuster by Ted Cruz.

Senator Cory Booker & Elmo Remind Americans: “Despite Incredibly Hot Beard, Ted Cruz is Still a Douche”

YouReadyGrandma

Booker’s 15 minute ventriloquism act included a perfectly performed impersonation of Sesame Street’s best-known character.

%d bloggers like this: