Swarms of conservatives surrounded Pennsylvania’s capitol building in Harrisburg today while chanting the popular pro-choice phrase “My body, my choice!” all while ignoring social distancing rules and undoubtedly spreading the coronavirus to one another. With rallies like this taking place all over the country, leading experts believe that there will be an influx of COVID-19 cases and deaths. “It’s one thing to be unhappy with the current situation that has been brought on by the virus, but it’s another thing to not carry these stay-at-home and social distancing orders to term,” head immunologist Anthony Fauci stated. “None of us wanted this virus. We may not like it, we may not have been prepared for it, and we may not be able to afford to pay our bills because of it, but we cannot simply abort our plans and abandon our approach before we’ve seen this baby through. I’d give it about 9 months.”
An executive order from the desk of President Trump has put an end to genetically-modified, cyborg baby programs.
“We know it is hard for Mr. McConnell to have to abort the bill right here on the Senate floor, but Democrats are truly supportive of the decision.”
Authorities have confirmed that Y’all-Qaeda leadership has ties to a Mississippi terror cell referred to as Talabangelicals who are also complete [expletive].
“Wrap the baby beautifully in a flour tortilla and toss it in the oven,” Trump stated while wiping saliva from his chin. “If you do all of that, then maybe I take a little bite. A nibble. I don’t know. I don’t know.”
“We’re giving new mothers 24 hours off, 8 of which will be paid. That leaves plenty of time for doing Kegels.”
“It will sound like an airplane is taking off inside of the user’s vagina,” iBort creator Justin Swartzky stated.