A new anti-abortion bill is close to becoming law in Texas after it passed 83-64 in the House yesterday. Senate Bill 8 would allow doctors to halt the hearts of pregnant women while they check to see if the fetus inside of them has a heartbeat. Should the bill become law, women who survive the medically-induced cardiac arrest will be prevented from having an abortion if any electrical impulses are detected during their brief brush with death. “Any beating heart, no matter the size, represents a life,” Republican Rep. Shelby Slawson stated. “And we have a moral duty to temporarily pause the hearts of mothers in order to be 100% sure that we are protecting that life.” As of press time Texas Republicans in the Senate were in the process of writing a bill targeting babies once they are born. Entitled the “YoYo Bill” – short for You’re on Your Own – the law would cut healthcare coverage for any babies born with preexisting conditions.
Swarms of conservatives surrounded Pennsylvania’s capitol building in Harrisburg today while chanting the popular pro-choice phrase “My body, my choice!” all while ignoring social distancing rules and undoubtedly spreading the coronavirus to one another. With rallies like this taking place all over the country, leading experts believe that there will be an influx of COVID-19 cases and deaths. “It’s one thing to be unhappy with the current situation that has been brought on by the virus, but it’s another thing to not carry these stay-at-home and social distancing orders to term,” head immunologist Anthony Fauci stated. “None of us wanted this virus. We may not like it, we may not have been prepared for it, and we may not be able to afford to pay our bills because of it, but we cannot simply abort our plans and abandon our approach before we’ve seen this baby through. I’d give it about 9 months.”
An executive order from the desk of President Trump has put an end to genetically-modified, cyborg baby programs.
“We know it is hard for Mr. McConnell to have to abort the bill right here on the Senate floor, but Democrats are truly supportive of the decision.”
Authorities have confirmed that Y’all-Qaeda leadership has ties to a Mississippi terror cell referred to as Talabangelicals who are also complete [expletive].
“Wrap the baby beautifully in a flour tortilla and toss it in the oven,” Trump stated while wiping saliva from his chin. “If you do all of that, then maybe I take a little bite. A nibble. I don’t know. I don’t know.”
“We’re giving new mothers 24 hours off, 8 of which will be paid. That leaves plenty of time for doing Kegels.”