(Colorado Springs, CO) White supremacist and food blogger Ronald Wilcox says he only meant to post the recipe for his favorite spicy mayonnaise on his blog when he accidentally went off on a highly offensive 90,000 word tangent while describing the importance of pure whiteness in both the mayo and the country. “Welp. I guess I went and did it again! I try to keep my recipes short and to the point, but then this happens.” Wilcox stated as he posted the racist manifesto to ConfederateChef.com. “Not too many people would think a condiment recipe could land you on the government watch list, but this spicy mayonnaise just might be the one.” As of press time federal agents were knocking down Wilcox’s front door – having come across last week’s 77-page recipe post that explained how he made a fake birthday cake using yellowcake explosives.
SpaceX astronauts Robert Behnken and Douglas Hurley are refusing orders to return to Earth this weekend, citing the uncontrolled spread of coronavirus and social unrest in their home country of the United States. “Although we have already carried out our mission successfully, we’ve decided to remain in space until the US can get its shit together,” Behnken stated. “Maybe if our country had some semblance of a comprehensive plan to defeat the virus we’d be coming back.” Fellow astronaut Douglas Hurley echoed Behnken’s statement. “No one in their right mind would return to that chaos when they could just float around and wait it out up here instead,” Hurley confirmed while sporting a Black Lives Matter shirt. “It’s likely we won’t return until president Trump is no longer in office because – let’s face it – nothing is getting better. In fact, it’s only getting worse down there.”
Former NFL player and coach Mike Ditka says he’s having an increasingly difficult time achieving orgasm during the national anthem like he used to. Ditka says the reason for his troubles is that he’s become distracted by liberals sitting, keeling, walking out, not removing hats, and not placing their hands over their hearts during the song. “I used to be able to finish with no hands, but now I can’t stay focused at all during the anthem. It’s like I’m trying to get to climax with my fellow patriots, but my mind wanders to commie liberals and I can’t key into those feelings of pleasure like I used to,” Ditka stated. “Eventually I just get frustrated because I can’t focus on freedom and I give up because it’s way too hard to finish when you’re crying.” As of press time Ditka was calling for all liberals who refuse to stand for the national anthem to leave the country so that he can once again jizz his pants during the song. Photo credit WEBN-TV
(Buffalo, New York) Local man Bryan James, who proudly announced from the couch today that he could outpitch 79-year-old Dr. Fauci, somehow couldn’t find the strength to watch as members of the Yankees and Nationals took a knee before today’s baseball game. Wife Karen James says Bryan got emotional and had to change the channel when he saw that everyone was kneeling. “Bryan was very proud of himself when he let the family know that he could toss the ball toward home plate better than Fauci. He even said he won’t trust a man who doesn’t know how to throw a baseball,” Karen stated. “But when my Bryan saw all those men kneeling in solidarity with the socialist, racist terrorists – well he lost his mind.” Karen says her husband began throwing things at their brand new 65″ smart TV. “Luckily for us Bryan didn’t hit the TV with a darn thing,” Karen stated. “He also didn’t throw hard enough to make any marks or dents in the wall, so things could certainly have been worse.” As of Thursday night Bryan was icing his now injured throwing shoulder and bragging that he could still outpitch Dr. Fauci with his left hand.
Senator Marco Rubio really stepped in it today when he posted a terribly-executed tribute to deceased civil rights leader John Lewis and followed it up with a strange, racist tirade on Twitter. In a since-deleted tweet, Rubio shared a photo of himself and Elijah Cummings – another deceased Black lawmaker – and captioned the photograph with the words: “It was an honor to know & be blessed with the opportunity to serve in Congress with John Lewis… a genuine & historic American hero. May the Lord grant him eternal peace.” Twitter erupted in response to Rubio’s significant and embarrassing error, but the Florida Senator seemed completely unfazed by the mistake and began genuinely replying to tweets. “Wait, don’t all black people look alike?” Rubio tweeted in reply to one Twitter user. “I thought I could just pick any photo with me and one of them.” Painfully blind to his racism, Rubio doubled-down, tweeting out: “I’ve never purposely made eye contact with a black person. Aren’t they all just vague, shadowy figures to everyone else? Isn’t that why we’re all so afraid of them? What is happening?!” As of press time outraged Democrats were calling on Rubio to resign, while most Republicans were just glad they didn’t have any photos with Black people to make such a mistake. Photo Credit Gage Skidmore
Just days after Mississippi lawmakers voted to replace the state flag because it included the old, racist Confederate flag in the top left corner, government officials have unveiled a new design that has upset both atheists and racists in the country. “We left an empty void in the top left corner to represent a white flag of surrender. This corrects the history of our flag and shows that the Confederacy was the loser of a war in which they were traitors to their country and defenders of slavery,” Mississippi Governor Tate Reeves stated. “Now, unfortunately this pissed off our racist, ignorant residents and there’s no reasoning with stupid. So, to calm them down a bit, we added an oversized ‘In God We Trust’ to the flag, but this has angered the atheists and sort of annoyed the agnostics.” In response, the American Atheists released a pointed statement. “If there really was an all-knowing, all-powerful and loving ‘God’ then we wouldn’t have to deal with hate, war, and racism in the first place. The new state flag might as well say ‘We’re stupid and scared’,” the letter read. “Getting people to think is like herding cattle. So, we’ll take this baby step against racism as a small victory and keep pushing to remove ‘God’ from the flag because the government cannot endorse one religious view over another. The constitution doesn’t care about your unfounded feelings.” As of Tuesday morning, the atheists had already begun taking the necessary legal steps to challenge the new flag in court. Meanwhile, hundreds of angry protesters who don’t understand the meaning behind the Confederate flag, what Jesus would really do, or how government works were gathering outside the state capital with their biggest guns.
Disney parks in Florida and California announced today that they will be giving the classic Fantasyland ride ‘It’s a Small World’ a complete makeover in order to bring the ride up to speed with modern times. The ride will notably no longer segregate various races and cultures from one another while highlighting stereotypes, but rather depict these groups living together in harmony. Disney says the company hopes the ride will teach kids and adults alike to learn to love and accept everyone for who they are. Despite their best intentions, the planned changes to the ride have outraged many on the right, including political pundit Sean Hannity who has called for a boycott of the company. “Disney has taken a timeless classic and butchered it by not keeping the races separated in order to… in order to… to celebrate our differences and uniqueness,” Hannity stated. “If they truly cared about diversity then they would have left the ride the hell alone!” In response to conservative anger about the change, Disney announced that they would also be updating the ride’s name to ‘It’s a Big World and We Need to Check Our Biases and Accept Everyone for Their Differences Without Passing Unfair Judgement’. A move that the right is calling both radical and inflammatory.