Ellen DeGeneres told fans today that she has tested positive for COVID-19. Yet, in an effort to continue filming her famous “12 Days of Giveaways,” Ellen admits that she still went into work this morning without telling anyone her diagnosis and proceeded to cough all over her employees. “If we all have it, then we can all continue working,” Ellen smiled before coughing directly on her assistant’s face. “And this way everyone on my team gets to keep receiving paychecks. It’s a win, win!” The TV host and comedian then grabbed a traffic cone prop and began shouting through it at everyone in the studio. “I feel just like Oprah!” DeGeneres laughed before coughing one-by-one into individual employee’s faces through the cone while shouting “You get COVID! (cough) You get COVID! (cough) Everyone gets COVID! (cough, cough cough).” As of press time, at least 17 lawsuits have been filed against DeGeneres. Photo credit Toglenn
E! cable network says the Jenners and Kardashians have voided their own contracts for Keeping Up With the Kardashians after recent surgeries resulted in the families being comprised of more than 50% plastic parts. “Our network signed a contract with human beings,” a statement from E! read. “What remains of these families is mostly fake. From a legal standpoint, they are now nothing more than cold, unthinking, unfeeling objects.” According to the network, the final season of Keeping Up With the Kardashians has already been taped and will air in 2021. Meanwhile, E! is set to take physical ownership of the two families. “According to a judge’s recent ruling, E! has every right to continue to use the family as we see fit,” a statement from E! read. “If we wanted to begin filming Kourtney & Kim Take Themselves Apart – a show where the two women literally start removing body parts to scare people in public – then we will do just that.”
ABC’s Disney Family Singalong was full of stars singing and dancing to classic Disney hits, but a one-off appearance by Bill O’Reilly left many viewers outraged as the right wing political pundit belted out an abbreviated version of “Song of the South” and its nine songs. Many historians and movie critics consider the film to be overtly racist against black Americans. “You can’t just erase history,” Bill O’Reilly wrote in a tweet. “This film and these songs are an important part of America’s past.” O’Reilly, who sported a 1940’s style pork pie hat, ran through the entire soundtrack, but placed a clear emphasis on the timeless classic “Zip-a-dee-doo-dah”. As of press time countless outraged viewers were already calling for boycotts of both Disney and ABC, but not Bill O’Reilly as his career had already ended three years prior.
Without needing a hashtag to trend on Twitter, most Americans with any taste say they were already boycotting the Hallmark Channel by simply scrolling past it in the TV guide. Meanwhile, the remainder of Americans tuning in will be treated to this incredibly fucking diverse schedule today:
Executive Producer Kevin Bright says he’s having an impossible time trying to recreate the original unwatchable-ness of the inexplicably popular sitcom Friends. “The show’s popularity was based solely on its blatant mediocrity,” Bright stated. “I can’t, in good conscience, bring myself to direct another group of prattling diversity-void characters who live in one of the most diverse cities in the world.”
Ben Roethlisberger and Sean Spicer will team up for the foreseeable future as partners on Dancing With the Stars. The two will be the first same-sex couple to hit the dance floor in 27 seasons. Despite the incredible height and strength difference, Roethlisberger will be taking on the traditionally female roles for all dance forms and styles as part of the his contract negotiations. Photo credits Gage Skidmore, Jeffrey Beall
“If fans are demanding a complete reshoot of the final season, then I’ve avoided 71 episodes of anticlimactic bullshit.”