When asked again today by reporters why he wouldn’t set a good example for the country by wearing a mask, president Trump angered many with his response. “I’m tired of the mask question. You know who should really be wearing a mask? Ugly women,” Trump stated. “Cover up those dog faces, use a paper bag for all I care. Okay? I don’t care how you do it, just cover it up.” NPR reporter Amanda Jackson fired back with a follow up question, asking “But Mr. president, you’re morbidly obese and unnaturally orange, so by your standards shouldn’t you be wearing a mask too?” Visibly upset, Trump made a dismissive hand gesture toward Jackson, said he wouldn’t be taking any more questions, and walked away from the podium. Moments later White House Press Secretary Kayleigh McEnany gave a statement defending the president. “Mr. Trump is rightfully upset with and tired of the mask questions. Wearing a mask is a personal choice that the president makes for himself on a daily basis,” McEnany stated. “Having said that, the president was just being facetious when he said only certain women should be wearing a mask. So grow up, it was a joke.” Shortly thereafter Trump contradicted McEnany and doubled down by tweeting out: As of press time the United States was still ranked the worst at dealing with COVID-19 among first world countries, but experts point out that this is to be expected considering the country is on day 1,264 of having no leadership. Photo credit Gage Skidmore
Advertised as the answer to free speech suppression on social media, Parler has outpaced every other two-star rated app designed for people who want to share racist, sexist, and homophobic content without repercussions. Parler, which exists as a rejection of Twitter’s culture of banning despicable users, is now the go-to place when you want to find similarly depraved people who become giddy at the sight of tactless, lowbrow material. “Parler is a safe haven for the hardworking, upstanding bigots who just want to let their bottled up hate out into a friendly and welcoming environment,” founder John Matze stated. “Social justice warriors wield no power here as sympathy and empathy have zero leverage on Parler. Our cold, unfeeling moderators will not allow a community of liberal snowflakes to punish users for showing their true colors.” Despite attempting to become the final solution for alt-right social media, as of press time, Parler users were still being fired from their jobs for posting deeply insensitive content on the platform because, apparently, social rules for common decency still apply to hate speech within the confines of perceived safe spaces.
With countless stay-at-home orders and company shutdowns across the country, many people are being hit hard in the wallet, but president Trump says it’s especially hard for men. “Men are losing the most,” president Trump told journalists in an address on the White House lawn. “For every $1 lost by a man, only 79¢ is lost by their female counterpart. It’s unfair. Totally unfair.” President Trump says he’s asking Congress to pass a bill that helps the highest paid group with the most to lose: straight white men. “So prepare for some bailouts of large corporations who will be required to give their CEOs bonuses and raises to re-tip the scales and make everything as it should be again,” Trump stated. “As always, I will do anything for my people folks. I will protect the true Americans.”
“We know it is hard for Mr. McConnell to have to abort the bill right here on the Senate floor, but Democrats are truly supportive of the decision.”
“Wrap the baby beautifully in a flour tortilla and toss it in the oven,” Trump stated while wiping saliva from his chin. “If you do all of that, then maybe I take a little bite. A nibble. I don’t know. I don’t know.”
“None of them seemed phased by Carlson. It was like the [expletive] Twilight Zone.”
Biden was leering at the frail, 85 year old Senator Dianne Feinstein when he uttered the phrase.