“I’d be fine if Americans just recited half of the Pledge of Allegiance and then carried on with school or whatever.” – Trump
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Virginia Politician: “What if We Only Painted Our Genitals?”
“The letter went on in vivid detail describing the painting process, preferred makeup brands, how to wash mascara out of your underwear, and more.”
Democrats Will be Testing Trump’s Grasp of Object Permanence Tonight by Bringing Real People to The State of The Union Address
“Now, when I place Sajid in a crouching position behind me I’ll look for a confused expression on the president’s face. Soon thereafter – and here’s where it gets interesting – Sajid will pop out from behind me and…”
Chiefs QB Patrick Mahomes Gave His MVP Trophy to a Nearby Native American Tribe
“If this will lift the curse from constructing Arrowhead Stadium on an Indian burial ground, then we’re willing to let it slide.” – Chiefs CEO Clark Hunt
Nationwide Removal of All Confederate Statues Begins as Participation Trophies are Sent to Grieving Southerners
Trump is trying to rectify the situation by sending Civil War participation trophies to his seething supporters.
South Carolina Gov. Will Fart National Anthem at Super Bowl
South Carolina Governor Henry McMaster announced today that he will be performing the national anthem before the Super Bowl utilizing only his anus. Known for being outspoken – having demanded that everyone stand for the national anthem – McMaster says he’s been practicing for years and can ‘hit every note, low and high.’ In response […]
Donald Trump: ‘Why Don’t We Have a White Friday!?’
The tweet was accompanied by the hashtags #WhiteLivesMatter and #Disgraceful.
Nervous Voters Voice Concern Over Correct Ballot Answer Always Being (D)
“I almost gave up and started drawing patterns in the bubbles, but then I remembered I was voting.”
Trail of Korean Water Ghosts is Closing in on America
“If all of this goes according to their godless plan, the Korean Water Ghosts will force us to follow their cultural views or be killed.”
Columbus Day: Exxon Discovers, Spills Oil on Native American Land
Dawn has sent 5,500 bottles of soap to help clean thousands of Native Americans who are now covered in oil.
White Americans Will Be Allowed ‘JUST ONE’ 911 Call Per Year
“It really comes down to time and resources.”
Starbucks is Opening Separate Restrooms for Black Customers
“Overall, we just want to make everyone feel more welcome and safe at Starbucks.”
Rush Limbaugh has Been Missing for an Entire Year
Limbaugh was last seen near his home in Palm Beach, FL.
Princeton Study: How Trump Defeated Clinton, Why the Polls Were Wrong
The polls showed a likely win for her, but the results did not reflect that; whatsoever. Now we have a fail-safe and proven reason as to why he managed to become the next President of the United States of America.
A Furious, Confused Sarah Palin Lashes Out at Black Lives Matter
“Obviously black people love sports, and that’s why their babies are born during the basketball season, and football, and for those Kenyan blacks – the spring track season,” said Palin.
Study: 3 Out of 5 NRA Members Are Racist
A new poll by Gallup.com – the most trusted polling organization in the world – has proven that over 60% of National Rifle Association (NRA) members are racist. The study used the NRA database to randomly contact 5,500 of the over 5 million members that the organization boasts. Here are the questions that they asked: […]
