Just days after Mississippi lawmakers voted to replace the state flag because it included the old, racist Confederate flag in the top left corner, government officials have unveiled a new design that has upset both atheists and racists in the country. “We left an empty void in the top left corner to represent a white flag of surrender. This corrects the history of our flag and shows that the Confederacy was the loser of a war in which they were traitors to their country and defenders of slavery,” Mississippi Governor Tate Reeves stated. “Now, unfortunately this pissed off our racist, ignorant residents and there’s no reasoning with stupid. So, to calm them down a bit, we added an oversized ‘In God We Trust’ to the flag, but this has angered the atheists and sort of annoyed the agnostics.” In response, the American Atheists released a pointed statement. “If there really was an all-knowing, all-powerful and loving ‘God’ then we wouldn’t have to deal with hate, war, and racism in the first place. The new state flag might as well say ‘We’re stupid and scared’,” the letter read. “Getting people to think is like herding cattle. So, we’ll take this baby step against racism as a small victory and keep pushing to remove ‘God’ from the flag because the government cannot endorse one religious view over another. The constitution doesn’t care about your unfounded feelings.” As of Tuesday morning, the atheists had already begun taking the necessary legal steps to challenge the new flag in court. Meanwhile, hundreds of angry protesters who don’t understand the meaning behind the Confederate flag, what Jesus would really do, or how government works were gathering outside the state capital with their biggest guns. Advertisements
Disney parks in Florida and California announced today that they will be giving the classic Fantasyland ride ‘It’s a Small World’ a complete makeover in order to bring the ride up to speed with modern times. The ride will notably no longer segregate various races and cultures from one another while highlighting stereotypes, but rather depict these groups living together in harmony. Disney says the company hopes the ride will teach kids and adults alike to learn to love and accept everyone for who they are. Despite their best intentions, the planned changes to the ride have outraged many on the right, including political pundit Sean Hannity who has called for a boycott of the company. “Disney has taken a timeless classic and butchered it by not keeping the races separated in order to… in order to… to celebrate our differences and uniqueness,” Hannity stated. “If they truly cared about diversity then they would have left the ride the hell alone!” In response to conservative anger about the change, Disney announced that they would also be updating the ride’s name to ‘It’s a Big World and We Need to Check Our Biases and Accept Everyone for Their Differences Without Passing Unfair Judgement’. A move that the right is calling both radical and inflammatory.
Advertised as the answer to free speech suppression on social media, Parler has outpaced every other two-star rated app designed for people who want to share racist, sexist, and homophobic content without repercussions. Parler, which exists as a rejection of Twitter’s culture of banning despicable users, is now the go-to place when you want to find similarly depraved people who become giddy at the sight of tactless, lowbrow material. “Parler is a safe haven for the hardworking, upstanding bigots who just want to let their bottled up hate out into a friendly and welcoming environment,” founder John Matze stated. “Social justice warriors wield no power here as sympathy and empathy have zero leverage on Parler. Our cold, unfeeling moderators will not allow a community of liberal snowflakes to punish users for showing their true colors.” Despite attempting to become the final solution for alt-right social media, as of press time, Parler users were still being fired from their jobs for posting deeply insensitive content on the platform because, apparently, social rules for common decency still apply to hate speech within the confines of perceived safe spaces.
Several states across the nation have started repainting statues of Jesus in public spaces in which the religious figure is depicted with white skin. The move comes after a large group of leftist historians pointed out that Jesus couldn’t have possibly been white and that depicting him as such is insensitive to the accomplishments of other races. “I never thought I’d say this, but I’m calling for all Jesus statues in our state to be given blackface,” California Governor Gavin Newsom stated. “Really any brownish tone is fine, so long our Lord and Savior doesn’t look white.” Meanwhile, many people who believed in white Jesus have begun doubting the Savior’s storyline, causing a crisis of faith among Americans. With some people like political pundit Laura Ingraham even suggesting that Jesus might have deserved to be crucified. “When you really examine the Bible it becomes clear that Jesus was just some ethnic guy wearing baggy robes, wandering the holy land with a gang of jobless men and stirring up trouble,” Ingraham stated. “We’ve got to start asking ourselves the tough questions – like did Jesus really cooperate with the authorities? And unfortunately I just have to call it like I see it folks. This Jesus guy was a thug.”
Quaker Oats announced today that their Aunt Jemima brand syrups and pancake mix will be renamed Antifa Jemima. The switch to using the word ‘Antifa,’ which stands for anti-fascist, signals the beginning of the end of racism during breakfast time. “Aunt Jemima’s origin is based on a deeply offensive racial stereotype, so we’re making a big change,” Quaker Oats spokesperson Jacquie Powers stated. “Whereas ‘Aunt Jemima’ is flat out racist, ‘Antifa Jemima’ is flipping the script to counterbalance the damage our brand has caused for decades. Consider this name change just a small part of the sticky-sweet justice of reparations.” Original photo credit
(Green Bay, WI) Local man Justin Loughty says he’s tired of being called a racist just because he hates minorities. Loughty says he’s being unfairly discriminated against his whole life and that he plans to start a group that will welcome everyone in the area – no matter who they are – so long as they look and think just like him. “I also want an inclusive, protected area or space; something for guys like me,” Loughty stated. “Something for guys who find friends by using a variation of the n-word – such as ‘ninja’ – when around unfamiliar company. You know, people who throw the white power hand sign as a ‘joke’. Simple things like that.” Loughty says the final straw for him was when his daughter brought her black boyfriend from college home. “He had the nerve to call me racist! I know in my heart that I don’t feel racist, but my daughter will not be dating a black guy!” Loughty shouted. “I didn’t even know we had those around here and we aren’t giving grandma a stroke.” As of press time, Loughty had decided not to start his own group as he found that at least four similar organizations already existed in Wisconsin.
A handful of NASCAR drivers led by Ray Ciccarelli have announced that they plan to start a new stock car racing league. Ciccarelli says the move is a direct rebuke of NASCAR’s ban on the Confederate flag from all official events. The newly formed organization called ‘RACECAR’ – which stands for the Racing Association for Confederacy Enthusiasts, Caucasians, And Racists – says it will be hosting races like The White Power 500 beginning as early as August. “We’re catering to a specific, surprisingly large, diehard audience. You know, people who still want to secede From the Union, people who think slavery wasn’t all that bad, and people who don’t have time to learn any American history,” Ciccarelli stated. Notably, RACECAR has already secured likeminded sponsors, which include: Fox News, Hobby Lobby, Chick-fil-A, BP, Home Depot, SoulCycle, Marvel Entertainment, Bubba Gump Shrimp Co., Joe’s Crab Shack, Cracker Barrel, UFC, WWE, CVS and Facebook/Instagram.