The Center For Disease Control issued a warning today to the American public letting them know that “the same people who enjoy cosplaying as a ‘good-guy-with-a-gun’ are now also pretending that they are vaccinated.” “They are lying again,” head of CDC Rochelle Walensky stated. “They are once again claiming that they have something in them that they do not; the ability to be a hero and a COVID vaccine in their systems.” As of press time the CDC was advising the public to continue avoiding these people, as usual, for multiple health and personal reasons. Photo credit Eli Christman
President Trump took questions regarding Kenosha shooter Kyle Rittenhouse from the press today while in Lake Charles, Louisiana as he was assessing the damage from Category 4 Hurricane Laura. Many are calling what the president said absurd, while others say that his words were quite troubling. “You know, they say when you become an officer that you get more rights, more protections. So it’s terrible what’s happening to Kyle folks. Just terrible. Did you know he had been a cadet training to be an officer?” Trump asked. “Maybe that should count? Maybe we should lower the age to become an officer? Maybe we’ll have kids patrol the cities and we can call them the ‘Trump Youth.’ I don’t know. I don’t know.” Kenosha Police Chief Daniel Miskinis offered a similar statement when asked about the president’s comments. “Yes, it is fair to say that Mr. Rittenhouse really jumped the gun on this one. The whole thing would have shook out very differently for him if he were old enough to be a police officer, but if you aren’t officially in the brotherhood, we can’t help you,” Miskinis stated. “The only crime here is that he wasn’t one of us. It’s sad, but rules are rules. Hopefully he gets a white… I mean, a light sentence.”
Black Americans across the country are seriously considering risking their lives by staging an open carry rally outside of the White House. While still in the early planning stages, the group says they would hold the gathering in order to get president Trump to pass gun control legislation. “It worked when the Black Panthers open carried in California,” gun control advocate Terrell Jenkins stated. “In fact, Ronald Reagan passed the Mulford Act banning the public carrying of loaded guns while he was governor in that state.” Most political scholars believe that president Trump would enforce strict gun laws if the black community holds an open carry rally anywhere near the White House. Meanwhile, the NRA has begun calling for background checks and waiting periods for all Americans who are trying to purchase a firearm. “It just kind of clicked for us all of a sudden,” NRA President Carolyn Meadows stated. “We get it now.” photo credit Lorie Shaull
A group of white supremacists, anti-government militias, extremists – and what we are assuming are some very fine people – gathered today outside of the the capital building in Richmond, Virginia wearing masquerade outfits to protest background checks for purchasing guns. The right wing groups claim they aren’t there to intimidate anyone; except for the government and anyone that disagrees with them. Most people at the rally wore flamboyant robes and porcelain-like masks while they carried shotguns, pistols, military-style rifles, handguns and even lugged around machine guns. “We aren’t here to intimidate anyone,” one man wearing a floral mask, white lipstick and carrying an assault rifle stated in a deep southern accent. “But try to take my guns and I’ll fucking kill you!” As of press time, authorities are hoping that no acts of terror or violence occur. “When you get this many ‘good guys’ with guns in one spot, a single terrorist would probably only be able to shoot a few people before everyone would open fire, killing the terrorist and at least 30 people around them,” Virginia Governor Ralph Northam stated. “Unfortunately, sometimes it’s just hard to protect people from themselves, but doing background checks before selling guns should be a step in the right direction.”
After yet another mass shooting today, 73% of Republican parents in America now support background and mental health checks for gun ownership. “It took awhile, but we’ve reached a tipping point,” registered Republican Donna Davis admitted. “Until it happens to one of your own, or you yourself, it’s just unfathomable for us conservatives to empathize. But after 147 school shootings, we’ve all been impacted.” As of press time, experts are trying to find a way for all Republicans to experience poverty, being a minority, and what it’s like to be surrounded by idiots. Photo by Nick Youngson
Gun lovers are showing their respect for new rules at stores across the nation by leaving their weapons unattended outside the front doors. At one point, a Walmart in Cypress, Texas had over 250 firearms stacked out front.
With Walmart and Kroger banning open carry in all of their stores, there are now over 25 different grocery chains that have limited people’s gun rights. Gun activists say there’s almost nowhere to use their weapons to kill and eat their food now. “For me it’s a comfort thing. I always shoot my meat before throwing it in the cart,” NRA CEO Wayne LaPierre stated. “You gotta make sure it’s dead before you touch it. Overall, the grocery store is a dangerous place.” With so many food stores banning open carry, many gun owners are afraid that they will no longer be respected in public out of fear alone. “My guns define who I am as a person, and that person is small, scared and insecure,” LaPierre stated. “If people aren’t nervous around me, then I really have no other redeeming qualities. What else am I supposed to do, and where else can gun owners hunt for food? It’s not like there’s some big, open land or forest we can go to.”