Leaders of the United Methodist Church announced today that they’ve excommunicated all homophobic church members and clergy from the religious organization. “Followers who are concerned about what other people do with their genitals are welcome to start their own weird, little, bigoted religion,” Bishop Kenneth H. Carter stated. “We want no part of their thinly-veiled hatred for people who are different from them.” Hours later, excommunicated church members announced that they’ve already started the “Straight Power Methodist” denomination where self-loathing homosexuals are still welcome. Advertisements
Devout Christians Robert and Denise Ferraro of Naperville, Illinois say that they began forgetting that Christ had anything to do with Christmas when their 10-year-old daughter Cindy came home from public school last December and told them that she had…
The Mormon Church broke news yesterday that they had amassed over $100 billion in a charity fund over the course of 22 years in order to buy every American “magical underwear”. “Made of unbleached cotton, these stylish full-body jockstraps make for wonderful enchanted undergarments,” Mormon leader Father Christopher Daniels told reporters. “They’re worn by superstars the likes of Mitt Romney and Donnie and Marie Osmond, so you’ll know you’re poppin’! Nothing says ‘I don’t know how sex works’ like this sleek and stylish design.” The church says deliveries of the magical underwear will begin on Christmas day. “Be sure to watch for us!” Father Daniels stated. “When you see two overtly bi-curious men come biking up your driveway – then smile – because that’s your underwear delivery!” Additionally, for just a $1,000 donation, the church says the delivery boys will personally put the underwear on you.
When asked by reporters today how he felt about Rick Perry calling him God’s “Chosen One,” president Trump faced cameras at the White House and stated “It’s cute. I think it’s really cute that Rick still thinks there’s a God. If anything, I am God!” The president’s statement caused immediate outrage among religious people of all political leanings, prompting Trump to later tweet out a clarification. The tweet has been deemed offensive by many, but good enough to serve as both an excuse and an apology for today’s Republicans.
Authorities have confirmed that Y’all-Qaeda leadership has ties to a Mississippi terror cell referred to as Talabangelicals who are also complete [expletive].
“You won’t hear about this, but I burned down the Notre Dame Cathedral,” Beck confirmed live on Fox & Friends. “This was France’s 9/11 and if I weren’t there to see it firsthand, you’d never know it was me: Glenn Beck, a casual, disposable, everyday Islamic terrorist.”
“Look people, this is ludicrous, Jesus was a white man,” said Kelly.