Evangelist Jerry Falwell Jr. spoke briefly with reporters this afternoon after it was revealed that he spent years masturbating while watching his pool boy have sex with his wife. Falwell, who has demonized others for their non-traditional sex lives now admits that he gets off to cuckolding – or watching other men have sex with his wife. He also explained that he loves being shamed, belittled, and emasculated in general. “This whole experience is so humiliating that it’s easily the hottest thing that’s ever happened to me,” a sweaty Falwell moaned while rubbing his nipples. “I’ve never been more embarrassed in my life.” Falwell added that since a falling out with the pool boy – who allegedly threatened to release photos of Falwell’s wife – that the couple is looking for another third party for their sexual adventures. “If there’s anyone out there who’s willing to call me a worthless, hypocritical piece of shit and consensually pin my wife down while nailing her harder than Jesus, then we’d be very much so open to that,” Falwell stated. As of press time most of the country was already fulfilling the first part of Falwell’s request.
Satan has one more soul today after talented country music legend Charlie Daniels passed away in a Nashville hospital this morning from a stroke. God says that Daniels’ famous song “The Devil Went Down to Georgia” was the main reason that the singer-songwriter will spend an eternity burning in hell. “For decades Daniels has been encouraging young men everywhere to make a deal with the Devil,” God stated. “But when that song peaked at number three on the Billboard Hot 100 in 1979, it was clear that Daniels had forgotten about the three most important people: the Father, the Son, and the Holy Ghost. I want to send a clear message that there’s no winning when you make a deal with the Devil.” Upon hearing that Charlie Daniels would be tortured in hell for all eternity, countless country fans became outraged with God accusing the deity of not being able to separate reality from farcical storytelling.
A Politico-Morning Consult poll released today found that 27% of Americans somewhat or strongly believe that president Trump is a man of faith. Meanwhile 55% of respondents say they somewhat or strongly believe that Trump is not a religious man. What do you think?
God is facing criticism from Trump and his supporters after the president issued an angry, ranting, hour-long address on the National Day of Prayer that repeatedly trashed the deity for allowing the Coronavirus to get out of control. “Dear big man in the sky, I don’t know what you think you are doing, but you won’t mess this up for me!” a visibly angry Trump shouted. “I know that there are a lot of people dying, and we can deal with that, but I come before you today to ask for financial blessings to boost the American economy so I can get reelected.” Trump paused to fix his dentures which had come loose from his yelling before continuing on. “Rush Limbaugh keeps me strong, and I know Fox News will sustain me and my followers with alternative facts. But Lord, my wealthy friends and I do seek a large sum of money to maintain our current lifestyles and comforts. This won’t come unless you do something to get these heathen liberals to open up their states! Bottom line: you caused this, so you should fix it!” As he concluded his meandering speech, the president tried for a softer tone. “Finally Lord, we do thank you for providing for us. Specifically for giving us so many essential workers that are willing to risk their non-essential lives. May we never run out of them as we work to reopen this great nation earlier than the godless scientists say we should. The end. Err… I mean, ahh men!”
Pope Francis gave a Valentine’s Day sermon at St. Peter’s Basilica today in which he asked couples to welcome single friends into their bedroom. The surprising suggestion has many asking if the religious leader is doing alright. “It’s an utterly lonely world out there,” an emotional, teary-eyed Francis stated. “So please, I implore you, invite someone to lay with you in carnal sin. It could be anybody really: authority figures, devoutly religious clergy, you name it – the right person could very well be in this room right now.” Upon finishing his sermon, the Pope tossed out handful after handful of candy hearts with his phone number on them as he strut down the center aisle like a runway model.
Leaders of the United Methodist Church announced today that they’ve excommunicated all homophobic church members and clergy from the religious organization. “Followers who are concerned about what other people do with their genitals are welcome to start their own weird, little, bigoted religion,” Bishop Kenneth H. Carter stated. “We want no part of their thinly-veiled hatred for people who are different from them.” Hours later, excommunicated church members announced that they’ve already started the “Straight Power Methodist” denomination where self-loathing homosexuals are still welcome.
Devout Christians Robert and Denise Ferraro of Naperville, Illinois say that they began forgetting that Christ had anything to do with Christmas when their 10-year-old daughter Cindy came home from public school last December and told them that she had…