President Trump put out a statement today in which he said he would be banning all dating apps with an executive order in the coming week. The move comes after experts found that random sexual encounters were fueling the pandemic. “We have become aware that individuals using apps to hook up are a major cause for the spread of the Chinese virus,” Trump stated. “In fact, the use of these apps has increased during the pandemic and now accounts for up to 40% of the spread. So if your promiscuous friends or streetwalking family members have been sleeping around like trampy hos, be sure to put them in their place.” In a show of unity, Dr. Anthony Fauci also gave a statement today saying that it is now “not only socially acceptable, but critical that citizens ridicule everyone who tries to hook up during the pandemic.” “Together, we can slut shame our way out of this troubling time,” Fauci stated. “Man, woman, teen, or senior citizen – if you see them trying to hook up – go ahead and humiliate the hell out of them and you’ll be doing your country a great service.”
Over 22,400 Americans have choked to death in 2020 – more than four times the yearly average. Experts say the cause is an uptick in less intelligent Americans finally agreeing to wear masks and then forgetting to remove them before eating. “What we’re seeing is a sizable group of slower people – who were initially refusing to wear masks because the president wasn’t – that are now choking to death on the protective gear,” Dr. Richard Huffman stated. “They get hungry and they neglect to remove their mask before pushing food into their mouths.” As of press time, experts had no solution to the problem. “I don’t know what to say anymore; I think nature just wants these people dead,” Huffman stated.
Photo Credit Daniel Lobo
(Orlando, FL) Disney World guests breathed a collective sigh of relief today as it was confirmed that the coronavirus would not be entering the gates of the world-famous amusement park. The news broke just moments ago when the virus itself admitted to reporters that it couldn’t bring itself to fork over the $169 for a Day Pass. “Although it would only make sense that a virus such as myself would make its way into a busy, bustling place like Disney World, I cannot in good conscience justify the cost of a Day Pass,” the virus confirmed. “It doesn’t matter how badly I want to go in there, because these prices are fucking absurd.”
“We estimate that the president stopped caring about the English language at, or around, the 4th grade.”
57-year-old death row inmate and serial killer Kyle Perklans was forcibly removed from the Louisiana State Penitentiary today after refusing to follow the institution’s mask guidelines. Perklans, who was scheduled to die from lethal injection on Saturday night, is now a free man. “I don’t care who you are, you aren’t allowed inside of our prison system if you refuse to wear a mask – there are no exceptions,” warden Michael Sullivan stated. “Now Mr. Perklans has an entire lifetime to sit and think long and hard about how his actions impact others.” As of early Thursday, the freed killer was already in Georgia where Governor Brian Kemp has banned cities and counties from mandating masks. Perklans says he plans to raise his murder count significantly by simply licking a few doorknobs and then joining likeminded people at an anti-mask rally. “It’s not my preferred method of killing, but it gets the job done,” Perklans said of joining the protests. “Everyone was livid when I bludgeoned seven people with a hammer, but there’s no repercussions when I do it this way.” Photo credit Stefano Mazzone
A recent study published by Princeton reveals that approximately 31% of Americans are not smart enough to understand how a virus spreads, why they should be wearing masks, or how their reckless behavior is forcing states to re-close businesses. “Not only are these people dumb, but they’re incredibly frustrated; making them increasingly vocal,” Princeton sociology professor Dana Sundown stated. “Making matters worse, they’re found throughout every segment of society and in every profession. In fact, everything in our study suggests that the US might very well be the least educated first world country.” Experts at Princeton said that although the study had grim findings that smarter Americans shouldn’t give up hope. “Even with the worst-case scenario, we still see a light at the end of the tunnel,” Sundown stated. “At some point, years from now, enough of these anti-science, anti-maskers will die out or be shunned from society to a degree that will allow for life to get back to normal. Unfortunately, we don’t see things really improving for years if the country’s leadership doesn’t change.” As of mid July the United States was the worst of all first world countries at responding to the coronavirus, but a third of Americans – including the president – were too fucking stupid to believe it.