CDC: An ice-cold, refreshing Corona Light could make you immune to the coronavirus

The first case of the coronavirus has hit the US and the Center for Disease Control has partnered with Corona Light to raise a glass and some awareness. The two organizations say the cure could be as simple as drinking an ice-cold, refreshing Corona Light. “Although we can’t pinpoint what’s causing the virus to spread, we can unequivocally state that drinking a crisp, lime-infused Corona Light with a salted rim could very well be the cure,” CDC Director Robert Redfield stated. “Now, for legal reasons I have to state that there’s no evidence that cracking open a frothy brew with your best friends and getting with all the ladies will prevent or cure the disease, but there’s also zero evidence to prove otherwise.” Advertisements


Congress Passes Resolution to Completely Ignore Middle East


“The $85 billion we save a year will go toward green energy, education, infrastructure and ending homelessness in America.”

Extroverted? Here are 5 tips on how to shut the fuck up


Until I read Susan Collin’s book Quiet I never consciously realized I was a prattling, annoying bitch. It was one of life’s “aha” moments. I personally don’t believe extroversion is a virtue. Extroverts: If you took the time to shut the fuck up, your friends would be telling you to shut the fuck up. Here are 5 tips on how to do just that. 1. Develop a negative overall view of your temperament and personality. Seeing these characteristics as flawed has been extremely helpful to me. So go ahead and learn to acknowledge things that you’re bad at, then pile on the self-criticism. 2. Realize your opinion is meaningless to practically everyone. Some of my biggest professional successes have come from shutting the fuck up. I feel most comfortable when I’m silent. The more experiences I’ve had of offering nothing, the more comfortable I’ve become with it. Once you accumulate some experience keeping your stupid opinions to yourself, and achieving good results from it, it’ll get easier. 3. Understand that you aren’t special.  Extroverts come in one greyish-blah color and are fueled by any sort of attention. Another fundamental aspect is your natural tendency to want to respond back before digesting any information. Instead, go away and ponder. Then, don’t come back. 5. Understand what the fuck you’re doing. Examples: Interrupting people who are concentrating, creating noisy environments, and never turning off your social mode. What to do: Minimize and find workarounds for whatever makes you particularly obnoxious. If you are easily overstimulated, you might benefit from reading Francis Brown’s book Everyone Wants You to Shut the Fuck Up! Consider learning physiological self-harm strategies that will dissuade you from repeat incidents after you’ve succumbed to overstimulation. 4. Distinguish between confidence and being a cocky asshole. Extroverted people are overconfident in both (1) their subpar abilities, and (2) that they will generally be liked by others. If you’re missing one of these types of confidence, you’re on your way to likability. Photo credit Urs Steiner

Resolution: Let's all stop checking behind the shower curtains before going pee in 2020


A New Year’s resolution poll of over 6,000 Americans revealed that 67% of people want to break the habit of checking behind the shower curtains for murderers and monsters before going pee in 2020. Where do you stand on this issue? “Personally, I always make sure there is somebody in the shower. I can’t go unless I know I’m not alone in the bathroom.” – Dave Juarez, Volunteer Lifeguard “There could be any number of things waiting behind a shower curtain. For example, raptors. I could certainly see raptors hiding back there. Clever girls.” – Jason Stevens, Creationist Paleontologist “That’s insane! If you haven’t done anything wrong then the translucent demon spirits are not waiting behind the shower curtain to kill you and drag your soul down to Lucifer himself!” – Julia Simmons, Daycare Owner “My resolution is to remember to pick up a weapon before checking behind the curtains. I honestly have no fucking clue how I’ve lived this long.” – Gerald Smultz, Plumber Photo Credit TJStamp

How do I get this out? Your guide to blood removal with Clorox bleach


A blood stain is one of the most challenging stains to remove from your floors. This week we’ll be teaching you how to remove blood from your hardwood or linoleum floor using Totally Spot-Less Bleach powered by Clorox 2®. Step 1: Begin by mopping up the pools of blood. Step 2: Pour Totally Spot-Less Bleach powered by Clorox 2® onto the blood stain. Let it sit for 15 to 20 minutes. The stain should disappear. Take this time to wipe up any splattered blood that may have sprayed onto nearby cabinetry if it happened in the kitchen or bathroom. Step 3: Move the body out of the way if it’s covering up any excess blood and repeat steps one and two. Step 4: Remove and burn your clothing.

Disgruntled LASIK surgeon might just cut straight through to the brain this time


A long, wet fart ended Trump’s mystery Walter Reed Hospital visit


Staff at Walter Reed National Military Medical Center have confirmed that president Trump’s unannounced visit last week was prompted by gas that caused the president to suffer from intense abdominal pain and cramping. “The president was in tears, inconsolable, and shouting ‘This is it! This is how I go!’” an anonymous hospital staffer confirmed. It took over an hour of shrieking and sobbing before the president finally let out a long, wet, squeaky fart – relieving most of his pain. “After his initial burst of flatulence, the gates were unlocked and the farts became frequent,” the staffer confirmed. “The noises were high-pitched and somehow sounded like they ended in a question mark.” Once the smell in the room became unbearable, doctors directed the president to walk the hospital grounds. Staff accompanying the president confirm that he continued to fart with every step he took for the better part of an hour.

%d bloggers like this: