The Food Network announced today that they have come to an agreement with Guy Fieri on a new contract after a two week long discussion and multiple doctor’s visits to check up on Fieri’s health. Because of test results, the Food Network opted to add a death clause into the contract, a portion of which reads: “…Fieri will continue to receive payment from The Company for 3-years, or until death by myocardial infarction (heart attack); whichever comes first.” A representative from the Food Network also made some brief comments. “After several medical examinations were conducted, we found it prudent that we include a death clause in the contract due to deep concerns over Mr. Fieri’s health.” Michelle Douglas stated. “Because of his diet, we just cannot be certain that Guy will live another three years, but we can be certain that he will in fact die from a heart attack. That is for sure. He could be Mayor of Heaven’s Flavortown any day now really.” Photo credit Kelly Huston
Scientists have discovered that the former planet of Pluto has yet to complete an orbit since it was demoted to a dwarf planet in August of 2006. Many experts now say that Pluto is suffering from a phenomenon called perturbed planetary syndrome. “To be honest, we all stopped paying attention to Pluto after the classification was changed,” head researcher Sandra Michell stated. “Then, when we went back to look at its orbital progress again last week, we were all stunned.” Indeed, Pluto is clearly not taking the rejection and demotion very well. “Recent research shows that Pluto just completely gave up right around the time we removed it from the official list of planets. Ever since then it’s been drifting listlessly in outer space,” Michell confirmed. Since the discovery, scientists have tried broadcasting motivational speeches, tempting the dwarf planet with money, and even decreasing expectations for how quickly Pluto has to complete an orbit. So far nothing has worked.
A new anti-abortion bill is close to becoming law in Texas after it passed 83-64 in the House yesterday. Senate Bill 8 would allow doctors to halt the hearts of pregnant women while they check to see if the fetus inside of them has a heartbeat. Should the bill become law, women who survive the medically-induced cardiac arrest will be prevented from having an abortion if any electrical impulses are detected during their brief brush with death. “Any beating heart, no matter the size, represents a life,” Republican Rep. Shelby Slawson stated. “And we have a moral duty to temporarily pause the hearts of mothers in order to be 100% sure that we are protecting that life.” As of press time Texas Republicans in the Senate were in the process of writing a bill targeting babies once they are born. Entitled the “YoYo Bill” – short for You’re on Your Own – the law would cut healthcare coverage for any babies born with preexisting conditions.
Looking to ease the nation’s worries that the United States is on the brink of civil war, historians have come together to point out that too many Trump supporters have gotten COVID for the modern day South to physically rise again. “Most of Mr. Trump’s strongest supporters are now sick, dying, or dead as they’ve attended Trump’s super-spreader rallies in the past few weeks, or simply refused to social distance and wear masks,” one historian stated. “They don’t have the strength or numbers to fight a war, much less to make it to the polling places to cast their vote. Because of this, a civil war is quite unlikely.”
After telling his staff that he has been hearing a loud, irritating booing noise “pretty much everywhere” he goes, president Trump was quickly checked into Walter Reed Hospital to be seen by doctors. Once there, medical experts were quick to diagnose the president. “Mr. Trump is now dealing with the auditory repercussions from years of inflicting damage on both the US Constitution and democracy,” Doctor Michael Sprouts stated. “We are quite sure that much of the damage is beyond repair, but the president can prevent worsening conditions by stepping down from office.” As of press time experts at Walter Reed told reporters that the loud booing sound will likely be a lingering condition for the rest of Donald Trump’s life.
Senator Rand Paul incorrectly asserted today that New York City has achieved herd immunity from COVID-19 and that the rest of the US should follow suit. Paul then proceeded to get down on his knees to lick and slobber on a door handle. “If we could all just do something like this…” Paul stated before opening his mouth and deepthroating the silver handle for the better part of a minute. He then switched to staring directly into the camera while slowly licking the length of the hard metal before continuing. “…then we could reach herd immunity and stop having to worry about COVID-19 within a month.” As of press time Republican Senators were lining up to orally defile the same door handle in a show of solidarity with Rand Paul.
(Topeka, KS) Now eight months past the American Dental Association’s recommended three month replacement period, 34-year-old James Simmons’ filthy, discolored toothbrush just gained consciousness and immediately began screaming internally to be put out of its misery. “Kill me now! I’m horrifying!” Simmon’s toothbrush shrieked on the inside. “For the love of God! If there is a God! Snap me in half and put me to sleep forever!” As of Friday afternoon, a cockroach more aware of its surroundings than Simmon’s had begun mercifully eating the bristly face off of the despondent toothbrush.