In response, Sam’s Club announced they will be selling “everything necessary to create an elaborate sex dungeon” by July.
We can’t have Canada smelling like burnt, used condoms anymore,” Prime Minister Justin Trudeau stated.
McConnell is being investigated by the US. Senate Ethics Committee for spending $127,000 on a new heat lamp system and gigantic basking rocks in his office.
“People who have to smell their food before eating it are complete monsters.”
Japan will resume the commercial killing of overweight citizens in an effort to curb the population of the island and supplement dwindling soybean supplies.
An executive order from the desk of President Trump has put an end to genetically-modified, cyborg baby programs.
“The people alive today are the last generation of humans that’ll live on this planet as we know it. Having said that, I’d like to invite everyone to go ahead and eat a dick.”
“Without the cheese it just flows right through you.” – CEO Brian Niccols
“With the amount of mass shootings we’re having, it’s not unreasonable to expect savings of around $4,500 a year.”
“Shaving your head for political reasons is the result of having idiots for parents. There’s a difference and it matters.”
“Science has confirmed that you all can shut the [expletive] up about it.”
“It’s an odd hellscape where you can hear people scream as their bones crunch under your boots.”
“At least 87% of lotion used by men is vigorously rubbed on less than 1% of their bodies.”
“Because of the extreme food poisoning, Kim has also experienced dramatic silicone loss in the [expletive], lip and breast regions.”
“Who cares if you can’t wash the smell off, you’ve saved an orangutan!”
“We know it is hard for Mr. McConnell to have to abort the bill right here on the Senate floor, but Democrats are truly supportive of the decision.”
“Contrary to popular belief, fingerlike appendages do not exit the butt and press on the phone screen, that’s poop you’re thinking of.”
Due to the lack of legal consequences, throngs of hallucinating residents have congregated downtown at the 16th Street Mall to touch each other’s faces.
“Now it looks like we’re going to have to burn off about 16 square miles of mature opium crop. So if you live in the area, buckle the [expletive] up on Saturday.”
“My dreams became littered with terrifying sex monsters that attacked my lesbian lover Barb.” – Elizabeth Warren
“We sell the meat to Taco Bell, send a bunch of parts to candy factories and use the rest to make high-end huffing glue.”
“Remember, we’re only talking about girth. So if you wanted to tape 7 oversized grapefruits together and play hide the citrus in your [expletive], you could absolutely do that.” Secretary Alex Azar stated.
“If friendship and odors don’t matter to you, then you could really get in great shape.”
“Overall, I’d give the movie 5-stars,” Kellner stated.
Tostitos describes their new Extreme Mild Clear Salsa for White People® as being a thick, gelatinous substance for those with genetic spice sensitivities.
“I’m sorry. I didn’t get that,” Siri apologized as a wide-eyed Cook choked on a chunk of the XS Max.
“Eggland’s Best apologizes if we’ve torn apart any families because of our gay eggs.”
Johnson & Johnson is introducing the product after research proved that about 87% of parents were looking for ways to “get back at their babies” – in a fairly harmless way – for the countless sleepless nights, spit-ups, disgusting diapers, nasty farts and constant fussing.”
Back in 1987, the distinctively dressed Waldo set out to have a quick, private wank. Now, 33 years later, what was supposed to be a five minute meat beating bonanza, has turned into a world-wide journey in search of a place to rub one out.
“I can tell you how the world ends right now. We fart ourselves to death.” – Stanford Professor Böse Blahung