Back in 1987, the distinctively dressed Waldo set out to have a quick, private wank. Now, 33 years later, what was supposed to be a five minute meat beating bonanza, has turned into a world-wide journey in search of a place to rub one out.
“I can tell you how the world ends right now. We fart ourselves to death.” – Stanford Professor Böse Blahung
Mr. Cox has locked Eric Trump in the White House’s cold storage room next to the bowling alley in an attempt to show that air pollution does not harm humans.
“Unless Redbox starts squeezing out moist, two-year-old prosciutto with every DVD, I have no idea how they’re going to compete with this.”
“It’s not uncommon for the President to fart himself awake. Then, when he can’t fall back asleep, Mr. Trump passes the time on Twitter.”
Pope Francis’ adult book is entitled ‘The Divinci Load.’
“We know it is hard for Mr. McConnell to have to abort the bill right here on the Senate floor, but Democrats are truly supportive of the decision.”
“If you’re banned you’ll be relocated to a garbage island off the coast of New Jersey.” – Nancy Pelosi
“Mr. Trump rationalized eating 17 apple pies before vomiting all over himself and his desk. It makes sense to us, but we don’t expect the mainstream media to get it.” – Sarah Huckabee Sanders
“Sqoobz aren’t comfortable to wear by any means. Your tits will be flopping around in there.” – Victoria’s Secret CEO Jan Singer
Campbell’s reports selling over 1.2 tons of Prego Afterbirth-Style pasta sauce in the first week.
“The $85 billion we save a year will go toward green energy, education, infrastructure and ending homelessness in America.”
“In retrospect, I picked the wrong book to read to them.” Louisiana Governor John Edwards stated. “I chose Seuss’ first published work The Pocket Book of Boners and by the time I finished reading the title all hell had broken loose.”
Trump said that the new complex would be “an experiment representing a new approach for overhauling the prison system and has nothing to do with Michael Cohen’s testimony.”
“We estimate that the president stopped caring about the English language at, or around, the 4th grade.”
“It’s sad to think how much we could have achieved if we hadn’t installed so much BDSM programming.”
Democrats are trying to persuade Melania Trump to bring the president to mindblowing climax.
“Oakley’s actions have thrown open the closet doors for individuals who are aroused by licking things to claim them as their own,”
“I think that my aunt needing 57 stitches in the buttcheeks and rectal region is a strong selling point for the product.” – Kholer President & CEO
The 1,750 calorie meal has made its return for the month of February only.
“We’re giving new mothers 24 hours off, 8 of which will be paid. That leaves plenty of time for doing Kegels.”
“I have never seen that much blood.”
A poll of 565 men has found that 82% did not believe mutual masturbation to be a homosexual act, with respondents expressing a sentiment that touching cock isn’t gay, but lips touching lips is gay – meaning that emotional intimacy is their real issue – not the dick. What do you think? Joshua O’brien: “If […]
Ginsburg is maintaining a steady high with edibles from Senator Sanders until her new lung is healed.
We may never understand what a vegan is, or why fish qualifies as a meat, but we’ll never forget that if global warming is real, at least the vegans died first.” – DonaldTrump
We’re leaning toward ‘acting just like all of you fucking assholes.’
Ginsburg didn’t know she’d broken her ribs until bruising showed through her tattoos.
“It’s not like we’re asking them to carry our purses up there – although that would be ideal and hopefully it leads to that.”
“Honestly, I think we’re just going to move every piece of debris 10 feet to the right and see if that helps,” Long stated.
Garten has been raising her own humans for consumption in a coop next to her garden.