A source from the White House confirmed today that the staff is making desperate attempts to get president Trump to take the COVID-19 pandemic seriously. Just this morning White House aides grabbed a marker and a piece of paper and wrote down the number 100,000 before holding it up to the president and explaining that this was how many Americans have died. Trump showed no reaction. Staff then rewrote the number by adding a money symbol before it and tacking on a comma with three zeroes after it. “We then showed Mr. Trump the piece of paper, which read $100,000,000, and his eyes got wide,” an aide stated. “We lied and said this is the amount of money Mr. Trump’s businesses would lose if he doesn’t take stronger action.” As of press time Trump was wearing a mask and giving an unrehearsed speech informing citizens of the great and tragic loss of money that he could endure if Americans don’t practice social distancing and wear masks. “Listen up folks! If we don’t take this virus seriously, I will lose a lot of money!” Trump shouted. “You should see the number. It’s beyond comprehension. Many people don’t understand it because there’s a lot of zeroes and a lot of commas in that number, but together we can save my wealth, which has been under attack from the Chinese Virus ever since it escaped from Wuhan.” Advertisements
Michigan Governor Gretchen Whitmer announced this afternoon that president Donald Trump has been banned from her state. The announcement comes hours after Trump broke state law by not wearing a face mask during his visit to a Michigan Ford plant despite being warned to wear one. “Michigan deserves better than Donald J. Trump,” Whitmer stated. “Whenever the president comes around, he and his people bring crime. They bring lies. They spread disease. And some, I assume, are good people.” “I’m also stripping Mr. Trump of his ‘Michigan Man of The Year’ title,” Whitmer stated. “Which was never awarded to him like he claims because it doesn’t exist – but I’m doing it anyway because we all know that somehow it matters to him.” Meanwhile, governors from 22 other states including Wisconsin, Colorado and California are now considering implementing their own bans and fake award revocations, with Nevada Governor Stephen Sisolak saying he might actually honor Trump by making the president’s hairpiece Nevada’s official state roadkill.
(Franklin, WI) Having just been picked up by a despondent 34-year-old in a depressed haze, this 30-count bottle of Lexapro has no fucking clue what it’s gotten itself into.
Researchers are reporting that early trials with the drug chloroform have been successful in preventing the spread of COVID-19 by people refusing to follow social distancing rules. “The scientific community is optimistic that chloroform can help to subdue people who are putting others at risk,” Leadburry stated. “By simply placing a chloroform-soaked cloth over their nose and mouth, we have been able to suppress individuals who are actively ignoring social distancing protocols,” head researcher Katie Leadburry stated. Should next month’s final human trial prove successful, scientists say the drug could be ready for use in the general public. “We hope to have every Costco and Red Lobster manager outfitted with enough chloroform to overpower an entire klan of Karens should anti-science protesting get out of hand,” Leadburry confirmed.
A group of over 200 immunology experts from around the world released a letter today begging Americans to “keep a safe distance of at least six channels from Fox News.” The letter listed several reasons for for the warning. “Fox News has repeatedly misinformed its viewers on the facts surrounding the coronavirus. Today, an alarmingly high number of Fox News viewers believe that the COVID-19 death toll is falsely inflated, that opening the states back up prematurely won’t cause a second wave, and that face masks do not need to be worn.” The letter continued. “What’s more, the news channel advocated for the use of hydroxychloroquine; a drug that proved to increase mortality rates. This deadly reporting decision alone should be enough to question the news channel’s legitimacy. In fact, Fox News viewers are consistently found to be the least informed.” The letter concluded by recommending that viewers take a break from the channel and read up on what actual experts have been saying about COVID-19. “We’re not saying that CNN or MSNBC are perfect or without bias, we’re just letting Fox News viewers know that their main source of information is incredibly misleading and making this entire situation much, much worse,” the letter read. “Maybe try reading a reputable medical journal for once.” In response to the letter, Fox News personality Sean Hannity fired back calling the vast majority of scientists “liars and frauds,” stating that having an educational background and expertise in a subject “doesn’t mean that you know anything about anything.” “We can make stuff up too!” Hannity stated. “In fact we do it every single day.” Photo Credit Johnny Silvercloud
Lines, foot traffic, parking, and people have now become reasonable at Costco locations across the country thanks to a nationwide boycott of the chain by idiots who refuse to follow the store’s mask-wearing requirement. Costco says the boycott has ‘undoubtedly improved’ the quality of its clientele. “In all fairness, we probably should have had some basic intelligence requirements to join Costco in the first place,” CEO Walter Jelinek stated. “This would have lessened the crowding issues we had and taken care of those idiots who block entire aisles with their carts.” Costco says that since the start of the boycott, revenue has – for the most part – remained steady and customers have reported a much more pleasant shopping experience. “Grocery shopping isn’t necessarily all that fun to begin with,” Costco customer Steven Pryor stated. “But I have to say it’s quite nice to not have to constantly dodge morons who lack spacial awareness.” As of press time, Costco says they’ll be permanently banning shoppers who try to enter their stores without a mask and donating their prorated membership balance to purchase face masks for essential workers.
God is facing criticism from Trump and his supporters after the president issued an angry, ranting, hour-long address on the National Day of Prayer that repeatedly trashed the deity for allowing the Coronavirus to get out of control. “Dear big man in the sky, I don’t know what you think you are doing, but you won’t mess this up for me!” a visibly angry Trump shouted. “I know that there are a lot of people dying, and we can deal with that, but I come before you today to ask for financial blessings to boost the American economy so I can get reelected.” Trump paused to fix his dentures which had come loose from his yelling before continuing on. “Rush Limbaugh keeps me strong, and I know Fox News will sustain me and my followers with alternative facts. But Lord, my wealthy friends and I do seek a large sum of money to maintain our current lifestyles and comforts. This won’t come unless you do something to get these heathen liberals to open up their states! Bottom line: you caused this, so you should fix it!” As he concluded his meandering speech, the president tried for a softer tone. “Finally Lord, we do thank you for providing for us. Specifically for giving us so many essential workers that are willing to risk their non-essential lives. May we never run out of them as we work to reopen this great nation earlier than the godless scientists say we should. The end. Err… I mean, ahh men!”