A new anti-abortion bill is close to becoming law in Texas after it passed 83-64 in the House yesterday. Senate Bill 8 would allow doctors to halt the hearts of pregnant women while they check to see if the fetus inside of them has a heartbeat. Should the bill become law, women who survive the medically-induced cardiac arrest will be prevented from having an abortion if any electrical impulses are detected during their brief brush with death. “Any beating heart, no matter the size, represents a life,” Republican Rep. Shelby Slawson stated. “And we have a moral duty to temporarily pause the hearts of mothers in order to be 100% sure that we are protecting that life.” As of press time Texas Republicans in the Senate were in the process of writing a bill targeting babies once they are born. Entitled the “YoYo Bill” – short for You’re on Your Own – the law would cut healthcare coverage for any babies born with preexisting conditions.
(Orlando, FL) Disney World guests breathed a collective sigh of relief today as it was confirmed that the coronavirus would not be entering the gates of the world-famous amusement park. The news broke just moments ago when the virus itself admitted to reporters that it couldn’t bring itself to fork over the $169 for a Day Pass. “Although it would only make sense that a virus such as myself would make its way into a busy, bustling place like Disney World, I cannot in good conscience justify the cost of a Day Pass,” the virus confirmed. “It doesn’t matter how badly I want to go in there, because these prices are fucking absurd.”
A recent study published by Princeton reveals that approximately 31% of Americans are not smart enough to understand how a virus spreads, why they should be wearing masks, or how their reckless behavior is forcing states to re-close businesses. “Not only are these people dumb, but they’re incredibly frustrated; making them increasingly vocal,” Princeton sociology professor Dana Sundown stated. “Making matters worse, they’re found throughout every segment of society and in every profession. In fact, everything in our study suggests that the US might very well be the least educated first world country.” Experts at Princeton said that although the study had grim findings that smarter Americans shouldn’t give up hope. “Even with the worst-case scenario, we still see a light at the end of the tunnel,” Sundown stated. “At some point, years from now, enough of these anti-science, anti-maskers will die out or be shunned from society to a degree that will allow for life to get back to normal. Unfortunately, we don’t see things really improving for years if the country’s leadership doesn’t change.” As of mid July the United States was the worst of all first world countries at responding to the coronavirus, but a third of Americans – including the president – were too fucking stupid to believe it.
President Trump has referred to COVID-19 as the ‘Kung Flu,’ ‘Wuhan Virus,’ and the ‘Chinese virus,’ but now the script has been flipped as the General Assembly of the United Nations voted today to begin officially calling coronavirus the ‘Trump Virus’ or the “American Flu’. A statement from the United Nations explained the move. “With more than a quarter of the world’s COVID-19 cases and deaths happening within his country, Donald Trump and the United States are quite clearly the face of this pandemic,” the statement read. “The Spanish Flu did not originate in Spain, but like the United States, they had the most cases and deaths. So it is in that spirit that we will from here on out officially refer to this disease as the ‘Trump Virus’ or ‘American Flu’. This way, historically speaking, the virus will have been named appropriately.”
A source from the White House confirmed today that the staff is making desperate attempts to get president Trump to take the COVID-19 pandemic seriously. Just this morning White House aides grabbed a marker and a piece of paper and wrote down the number 100,000 before holding it up to the president and explaining that this was how many Americans have died. Trump showed no reaction. Staff then rewrote the number by adding a money symbol before it and tacking on a comma with three zeroes after it. “We then showed Mr. Trump the piece of paper, which read $100,000,000, and his eyes got wide,” an aide stated. “We lied and said this is the amount of money Mr. Trump’s businesses would lose if he doesn’t take stronger action.” As of press time Trump was wearing a mask and giving an unrehearsed speech informing citizens of the great and tragic loss of money that he could endure if Americans don’t practice social distancing and wear masks. “Listen up folks! If we don’t take this virus seriously, I will lose a lot of money!” Trump shouted. “You should see the number. It’s beyond comprehension. Many people don’t understand it because there’s a lot of zeroes and a lot of commas in that number, but together we can save my wealth, which has been under attack from the Chinese Virus ever since it escaped from Wuhan.”
Michigan Governor Gretchen Whitmer announced this afternoon that president Donald Trump has been banned from her state. The announcement comes hours after Trump broke state law by not wearing a face mask during his visit to a Michigan Ford plant despite being warned to wear one. “Michigan deserves better than Donald J. Trump,” Whitmer stated. “Whenever the president comes around, he and his people bring crime. They bring lies. They spread disease. And some, I assume, are good people.” “I’m also stripping Mr. Trump of his ‘Michigan Man of The Year’ title,” Whitmer stated. “Which was never awarded to him like he claims because it doesn’t exist – but I’m doing it anyway because we all know that somehow it matters to him.” Meanwhile, governors from 22 other states including Wisconsin, Colorado and California are now considering implementing their own bans and fake award revocations, with Nevada Governor Stephen Sisolak saying he might actually honor Trump by making the president’s hairpiece Nevada’s official state roadkill.
(Franklin, WI) Having just been picked up by a despondent 34-year-old in a depressed haze, this 30-count bottle of Lexapro has no fucking clue what it’s gotten itself into.