The first case of the coronavirus has hit the US and the Center for Disease Control has partnered with Corona Light to raise a glass and some awareness. The two organizations say the cure could be as simple as drinking an ice-cold, refreshing Corona Light. “Although we can’t pinpoint what’s causing the virus to spread, we can unequivocally state that drinking a crisp, lime-infused Corona Light with a salted rim could very well be the cure,” CDC Director Robert Redfield stated. “Now, for legal reasons I have to state that there’s no evidence that cracking open a frothy brew with your best friends and getting with all the ladies will prevent or cure the disease, but there’s also zero evidence to prove otherwise.” Advertisements
An industry-wide spike in the price of birth control has bumped the average monthly cost from $47 up to $125, forcing many women to have to choose between a pill that prevents pregnancy and a hideous article of clothing that prevents pregnancy. “Unless Congress can make some major changes to our healthcare system, I don’t see the prescription price dropping anytime soon,” reproductive physician Sarah Simmons stated. “Luckily, mom jeans are cost-effective over time and a perfect substitute for birth control. The high-waisted, straight-legged style provides a truly un-fuckable look.”
After announcing a new partnership with Planned Parenthood, PepsiCo. is temporarily closing over 500 Taco Bell – Pizza Hut Express® restaurants to renovate the establishments into Planned Parenthood – Pizza Hut Express® reproductive health and pizza chains. “We’ll be offering the full Pizza Hut menu, 24-hour drive-thru birth control pickup – and if you come inside – an assorted condom buffet,” Planned Parenthood President Cecile Richards stated. Pizza Hut drivers will also take care of birth control delivery with the company guaranteeing a 30-minute delivery or any resulting abortion is free. The new partnership comes with the slogan “We deliver so you don’t have to®.” Photo credit Mike Mozart
Now it’s possible to avoid having to pay a doctor for their time spent curled up on the operating table next to your barely-clothed, unconscious body.
An executive order from the desk of President Trump has put an end to genetically-modified, cyborg baby programs.
“We know it is hard for Mr. McConnell to have to abort the bill right here on the Senate floor, but Democrats are truly supportive of the decision.”