The Vatican will release a new version of the Bible that aligns with modern science

YouReadyGrandma

Pope Francis announced today that the Vatican has created a completely new Bible that aligns with scientists’ current understanding of the modern world. The new holy book will be called the Jorge Mario Betgoglio Bible after the Pope’s birth name. “We’ve removed miracles entirely by explaining them with science,” Francis stated. “We also took out all of the overt sexism, racism and gratuitous violence.” The Vatican says it went ahead and addressed potentially homophobic verses by simply removing them. “Honestly, most of Leviticus is gone,” Francis confirmed. “Instead we’ve taken a realistic route and included a gay love affair and wedding between Jesus and his disciple John.” The Vatican is set to release the 79-page Jorge Mario Betgoglio Bible by Easter Sunday – or as the new holy book calls it – April Fool’s Day. Advertisements

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Pope Francis pooped in an elevator today after being stuck in it for just 25 minutes

YouReadyGrandma

“Once I hit the 20-minute mark there was a turtle head poking out. Just in and out, in and out it went,” Francis gestured with his fingertip through an O-shape on his other hand.

Inverted Cross on Trump’s Head a Sign of The Antichrist?

YouReadyGrandma

“Those familiar with the Bible will immediately know that this is The Mark of the Beast,” stated Carson while steepling his fingers and arching his eyebrows.

Pope Francis Demands Every Dirty Detail on Sexual Abuse for His Adult Fantasy Novel

YouReadyGrandma

Pope Francis’ adult book is entitled ‘The Divinci Load.’

Leaders of Catholic Church Gather to Watch ‘Men in Black II’ & Build Memory-Erasing Machine

YouReadyGrandma

“The goal here is to analyze the memory-erasing technology used in the film and then build, disperse and use the devices in every congregation around the world,” Pope Francis stated.

Pope Francis Officially Moves Christmas 2019 to March

YouReadyGrandma

“Americans can expect to see Christmas decorations in stores for around 5 to 6 months out of the year.”

Kavanaugh Avoids Sex Scandal by Becoming Ordained Priest Overnight

“He’s found a loophole here and it’s simply stunning.” – Rudy Giuliani

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