“I almost gave up and started drawing patterns in the bubbles, but then I remembered I was voting.”
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Olympic Figure Skater Disowned After Coming Out as Straight
Team refuses to speak to straight, male figure skater. #WinterOlympics
Jack Daniel’s to Use ‘What Would Jesus Do’ Acronym
The world’s top U.S. whiskey gets an ‘offensive’ marketing overhaul.
Mike Pence Could become First Self-Loathing, Homosexual President
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Bill Preventing Members of Congress From Watching Porn at Work Stalls in the Senate
After procedural introduction of the bill, Ted Cruz (R-TX) immediately shouted, “Permission to speak freely!?” in an echoing, emotional, yet somehow guttural and primal tone.
Fans in Section 129 at NFL Game Engage in Reasonable Discourse Regarding Colin Kaepernick
Citing differing opinions regarding Freedom of Speech as found in the First Amendment of the U.S. Constitution, fans in section 129 of the Carolina Panthers vs. San Francisco 49ers game spent the 12-minute halftime respectfully debating the merits of free speech in relation to patriotism.
North Korea Accidentally Nukes Itself
The North Korean leader then flipped open a glass-encased red button, pressed it, and was immediately torn apart – along with the rest of his country – by a faulty nuclear missile.
Trump Blasts Green Energy, Obama for ‘Unseasonably Dark Day’
“When you get a maniac like Obama. Okay. And he is, he really is. Then you end up with days like today,” Trump stated while pointing toward the only side of the room without any windows.
BREAKING: White House Sources – Trump Has Awful Stroke
“I would always tell him that it’s not a good idea to eat a ‘snack’ before, during, and after each hole at one of his world-renowned golf courses,” sadly…
Trump Steals Song Lyrics for Press Conference Answer
“What would you say to those around the world who are afraid of your leadership” – Trump paused, took a deep breath, and began:
8’6″ Michelle Obama Frequently Rescues Cats From D.C. Trees
A little known fact about our eight-foot-six-inch-tall first lady Michelle Obama is that she uses her phenomenally long and powerful arms to rescue cats and kittens that get stuck in Washington D.C. metropolitan area trees. Hovering at just over 8’6″, and being the tallest woman in the world, the first lady said that she felt […]
Princeton Study: How Trump Defeated Clinton, Why the Polls Were Wrong
The polls showed a likely win for her, but the results did not reflect that; whatsoever. Now we have a fail-safe and proven reason as to why he managed to become the next President of the United States of America.
5th Hijacked Plane from 9/11 Still Flying
There is, in fact, a 5th hijacked plan from 9/11 that is still flying above our borders, with hostages. Let that sink in, because I know I had to as well. Let’s just pause to think about that.”
Severe Depression to Impact Holiday Weekend for Many
With a strong, seasonal depression quickly approaching, many Americans are considering staying home for the 4th of July weekend. Indeed, most experts agree that due to the severity of the looming depression – staying home, locking the doors, and hunkering down might be the wisest decision. “For me, it looks like the depression will be […]
The Case for Kasich: How He’ll Be The Nominee
With Senator Ted Cruz dropping out, John Kasich is the only hope for the Republican establishment. Here’s how he can still win…
American Psychologists Release Estimated IQ’s of Presidential Candidates
American psychologists assessed IQ’s of Presidential Candidates #jeopardy
6 More Ways America Leads The World
“America leads the world in pretty much everything awesome, there’s no need to even research that because everyone knows it. Fact. Period. Soaring eagles. End of story. But, did you know that…”
Ben Carson Lays Out Detailed Terror Plot to Help ISIS
“During the latest Republican Presidential Debate, Dr. Ben Carson took the time to lay out a shockingly specific plan for how ISIS could severely cripple the…”
Heads of NRA Announce Plan to Stop Mass Shootings
NRA President Wayne LaPierre, and Executive Vice President James W. Porter II have announced a plan to quickly curb mass shootings in the United States of America. Here are their tips for lowering the number of shooting deaths:
BREAKING NEWS: 4th of July Stunner
In a shocking turn of events, it seems that people are gearing up for the Fourth of July by doing the exact same type of shit that they did last year. The grills are out, the beer is somewhat cold, Grandma just shit in the pool, and nobody is watching the kids. Your creepy uncle […]
