Conservatives Eat More Fast Food, Are Fatter — Here’s Why

As walking billboards for work ethic, conservatives add relish to hotdogs as they salivate over the notion of countless 80-hour work weeks to pay for an ambulance ride.

8’6″ Michelle Obama Frequently Rescues Cats From D.C. Trees

A little known fact about our eight-foot-six-inch-tall first lady Michelle Obama is that she uses her phenomenally long and powerful arms to rescue cats and kittens that get stuck in Washington D.C. metropolitan area trees. Hovering at just over 8’6″, and being the tallest woman in the world, the first lady said that she felt […]

Severe Depression to Impact Holiday Weekend for Many

Severe Depression to Impact Holiday Weekend for Many

With a strong, seasonal depression quickly approaching, many Americans are considering staying home for the 4th of July weekend. Indeed, most experts agree that due to the severity of the looming depression – staying home, locking the doors, and hunkering down might be the wisest decision. “For me, it looks like the depression will be […]

6 More Ways America Leads The World

6 More Ways America Leads The World

“America leads the world in pretty much everything awesome, there’s no need to even research that because everyone knows it. Fact. Period. Soaring eagles. End of story. But, did you know that…”

BREAKING NEWS: 4th of July

BREAKING NEWS: 4th of July Stunner

In a shocking turn of events, it seems that people are gearing up for the Fourth of July by doing the exact same type of shit that they did last year. The grills are out, the beer is somewhat cold, Grandma just shit in the pool, and nobody is watching the kids. Your creepy uncle […]