New Apple Card costs $2000, has an optional add-on chip to lower APR by 1%

Those wanting the new Apple Card will begin their contracts $2,000 in debt as the credit card is the first to require a starting balance. Savvy consumers will have the option to purchase an upgrade chip that lowers their APR by 1%. The chip will sell for an extra $499 and take the average customer $800 and two years to pay off. Advertisements


Planters re-releases original 1906 recipe of Warts & Peanuts for Halloween

“It’s like an explosion of spoiled milk and beef jerky in my mouth!”

Facebook apologizes after 11 million users receive pale white dick pic from Mark Zuckerberg

Facebook is saying sorry once again after a photo of Mark Zuckerberg’s pale, white penis was accidentally sent to over 11 million users. The photo was deleted from inboxes within seconds, but not before countless people were treated to a view of the billionaire’s flaccid pastey-snake and bright red, unkempt pubic brush fire; an image that proves, once again, that you really can’t have it all. Photo credit Anthony Quintano

Congress will ban flavored condom sales as blowjob epidemic grows

Sucking on flavored condoms has made Mike Pence ill and killed at least six people after they choked on the prophylactics. In response, Congress is readying a ban on the tasty dick wrappers amid an unparalleled outbreak of safe oral sex. “Dick, and sucking on it, becomes much more appealing when the penis tastes like a banana or cotton candy,” Mike Pence stated. “But whatever is used to make the cock so delicious is corrupting and poisoning our teens.” The FDA is now finalizing rules to remove all non-penis flavors of condoms from the market within 30 days. Companies like Trojan and Durex might be able to reintroduce their dick-enhancing flavors at a later date if they submit a formal application and receive taste testing approval from Mike Pence.

Duped at the deli counter? How to avoid coming home with a newborn baby again

“We’re not sure where they come from, I have not clue how people are accidentally bringing them home, but we’re not – under any circumstance – accepting any returns.”

Boycotting Walmart? Take your sister to Arby’s for your next date instead


Countless firearm fanatics are boycotting Walmart after the company ended some of its ammunition sales and banned customers from walking around the stores with their dicks out guns. Meanwhile, Arby’s hasn’t changed how they’ve been selling ammunition since they opened back in 1964. With Walmart being the number one place to take your sister-from-the-same-mister on a date, radical gun enthusiasts will now have to bring their sibling elsewhere; why not make that place an Arby’s? At Arby’s they roast their beef slower than your kid is going to be – so you know it’s good. So what are you waiting for? Bring your sister to Arby’s and enjoy a Classic Beef ‘n Chedder Meal today. Arby’s: We Have the Meats™ Photo by Mike MozartNot affiliated with Arby’s

Popeyes held at gunpoint by man demanding chicken sandwiches called a ‘False Flag’ by Chick-fil-A, Wendy’s


Popeyes is being accused of carrying out a covert operation designed to make their chicken sandwiches appear worthy of armed robbery. Popeyes says the alleged altercation took place last night as the fast food restaurant located in east Houston was closing. Competitor Chick-fil-A was quick to call bullshit on the incident with Wendy’s almost immediately following suit. Meanwhile, Wendy’s is rumored to be planning an extended standoff at one Atlanta location while the more extreme Chick-fil-A is seriously considering flying planes into competitor establishments.

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