After decades or targeting the homosexual chicken community, Chick-fil-A says they’ll no longer actively source LGBTQ fowl to serve in their restaurants. The announcement comes as a shock to many, as the company had never mentioned the practice before. Meanwhile, the news has sparked outrage among the religious right who now have to come to terms with the fact that they’ve repeatedly put homosexual flesh inside of their mouths and swallowed every single time. Advertisements
Tyson Foods announced their new line of raw, meat-based ice cream products at a press conference today outside of their Springdale, Arkansas headquarters. The company, which is the largest seller of ground meat products in the United States, says the product was developed to make use of excess meat. “With so many people trying out plant-based products, we now have a growing surplus of raw meat,”Tyson Farms CEO Noel White stated. “This was the smartest way to still sell the product while keeping it fresher for longer.” White ended the press conference by telling the crowd to try all of their delicious flavors like Chocolate Cow Chunk, Banana Beef Foster, Peanut Butter Pig, or Classic Caramel Chicken.
Whole Foods locations are teeming with loose chickens after Tyson Chicken farms forgot to slaughter the animals before shipping out nearly 2 million birds to the stores. “Admittedly, we missed some steps,” Tyson Foods CEO Donnie Smith stated. Meanwhile, Whole Foods is now boasting that customers can “catch their own truly free-range chickens” which now meander the store aisles and nest in their shelves. Whole Foods says they’ll continue the unintended experiment as customers have taken a liking to wrangling the chickens and later snapping their necks at checkout. If everything goes well, the grocery chain says guests will soon be able to wrestle down and slit the throats of pigs, cows and other livestock in the near future.
Google announced today that they’ve offered to buy Fitbit for $2.1 billion as soon as the company can isolate and remove all data derived from user masturbation. Google says they plan to implement the “fap-free data” in their wearable technology. “Often users will forget to remove their smart watches before they take a jackhammer to the snizz palace,” Google CEO Sundar Pichai stated. “Because of this, repetitive sausage strokes and Pikachu poundings have resulted in unreliable data.” Because the average American doesn’t exercise, Google says most significant spikes in heart rate and motion data only reflect the fact that users have frantically moved their hands all over their genitals. Once Fitbit removes the data – which shows the average person masturbating the equivalent of 4.7 miles per week – the purchase will be finalized.
Mattel has announced a new line of inclusive, customizable, genderless dolls that welcome everyone to play with their toys. The new dolls do not feature breasts or other sex or gender-related characteristics – leaving conservative doll collectors furious. “My brain shuts down if I don’t know what’s between someone’s legs,” collector Walter Thomas stated. “How will I know which dolls I’m allowed to be attracted to? How will I know if I’m being gay?” Meanwhile, the Conservative Doll Collectors of America say they plan to boycott, or possibly girlcott Mattel as soon as they get their bearings and “figure out what the hell is going on.”
Those wanting the new Apple Card will begin their contracts $2,000 in debt as the credit card is the first to require a starting balance. Savvy consumers will have the option to purchase an upgrade chip that lowers their APR by 1%. The chip will sell for an extra $499 and take the average customer $800 and two years to pay off.