The manufacturer of cocaine released a brief statement today cutting ties with their now-former spokesperson Donald Trump Jr. “We stand for responsible use of cocaine. A bump here, a line there. You know, a rail every once in awhile,” the statement read. “But not this! Not whatever this sad mess is. It’s far too much. We sincerely wish Don Jr. the best in his future endeavors.”
It might be illegal, but top employers from around the country, including Walmart, Amazon, Kroger, Home Depot, and FedEx have started asking interviewees the screening question: “Who won the 2020 election?” The corporate decision to ask such a question comes after companies realized that candidates who know how to properly process and understand reality make for much better employees. “Basic reasoning skills are inherently beneficial when working at Kroger stores,” CEO William Rodney McMullen stated. “The last thing we want is for the employees stocking our shelves to start building a wall of canned garbanzo beans while yelling at non-white customers to ‘go back to whatever aisle they came from, and to keep out of aisle 26!’” Several individuals have already filed lawsuits against many of these Fortune 500 companies, but judges have yet to rule in their favor; instead, out of pity, they’ve suggested that plaintiffs file an insanity plea to help them not have to pay the legal fees during their unemployment.
Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos is stepping down from his position in order to enter rehab for a severe case of money addiction and to help stop an ongoing identity crisis. Those close to Bezos say that for years the billionaire has been constantly consumed by dressing up like a dragon and thinking of ways to obtain more and more money. “Jeff truly believes that his self-worth is tied to cash and his greatest fear is that he will go bankrupt,” one person close to Bezos stated. “He also seems to think he’s a dragon.” In fact, Bezos can’t even go to bed at night unless he’s wearing a dragon onesie and there’s a huge pile of money for him to lay on. “He can’t sleep until his staff covers his bed with at least $5 million in gold coins and stacks of cash. Mr. Bezos then dresses up in one of his many dragon costumes and sprawls out on the mountain of money to fall asleep,” the source stated. The final straw for the board of directors was when Bezos began insisting on wearing his dragon onesies to the office; even for important meetings. After this went on for awhile, the board voted to force the billionaire to step down and seek help. “Jeff would roar and growl at employees and potential business partners while in meetings and walking the halls,” the source stated. “One time he scared the CEO of FedEx so much that they cancelled a shipping partnership for a few hours before other higher ups at Amazon were able to smooth things over. I truly wish Jeff the best of luck.”
Former richest man in the world Elon Musk was overtaken today by Reddit user dildo_swaggins69 after the amateur investor managed to turn investments in Gamestop, AMC, and Dogecoin into more than $277 billion over the course of a week. When reached for comment on how it felt to become the richest person in the world so quickly, the anonymous dildo-swaggins69 stated, “Together apes strong 🦍. Buy and hold r*****s. To the fucking moooon! 🚀🚀🚀 Let’s go0o0oo!” Notably, several other Reddit users, including OwenWilsonsNose, Intradouching_Myself, JustThepenisTip, and BreadPitt have also become billionaires overnight.
36-year-old Karen Howard of Ontario, CA just realized that the vibrant pink Mary Kay Mercedes she’s driving is an announcement to the world that she’s part of a pyramid scheme. Howard says she can’t believe that she’s spent two years on the road advertising that she’s a terrible human who takes advantage of others. “Now that I think about it, my friends and family basically paid for this car due to me guilting them into buying my products,” Howard stated. “My God. What have I become!?” As of early morning, Howard says she was looking for different work and that so far Avon or Cutco were looking pretty promising. “It’s amazing how many jobs there are out there that only require a couple hundred dollars up front to get started and there’s no stressful interviews to do,” Howard smiled. By late afternoon Howard had already rented a storage unit to keep her Cutco knives and Avon makeup.