A class action lawsuits against restaurant chain Einstein Bros Bagels is claiming the restaurant discriminates based on penis size when hiring male employees. Several men reported that part of the interview process involved comparing hand and foot sizes with current male employees and having to answer questions like: “Is it the size of the boat, or the motion in the ocean?” As of press time the US Food Safety and Inspection Service was visiting Einsteins locations to make sure employees were wearing condoms while poking tiny holes in the bagels. Advertisements
NBA fans are divided over a new camera angle that the league tested out during the Lakers vs Clippers game on Christmas Day. The view, which points the camera directly up players’ shorts when they are anywhere in the key, was sponsored by Nike to provide better shots of players’ shoes. “We only had the best intentions,” Nike CEO Mark Parker stated. “We saw a marketing opportunity and took it. We didn’t even think for a second that professional basketball players would consider wearing boxers, much less no underwear during a game.” Those watching the Christmas Day game were frequently treated to 3-second live shots of private parts jostling about as Lakers center JaVale McGee posted up and pushed for positioning against Ivica Zubac – neither player was wearing any underwear.
The entire town of Little Chute, Wisconsin received a delightful, light dusting of cheddar cheese today after a major malfunction at the nearby Kaukauna Cheese Factory caused a Christmas Eve blowout. Most locals are in awe, grateful to have witnessed the beautiful cheese shower. Here’s what some citizens are saying:
British startup, StandardToilet, announced its latest product today: a toilet with a seat that angles 13-degrees downward; making sitting unbearable after just five minutes. With 89% of Americans saying they surf the web while on the toilet at work, experts say it’s only a matter of time before the product hits US workplaces. What do you think?
(Brookfield, WI) A genderless, robotic Santa in Brookfield Square Mall is causing outrage among conservative customers who are demanding a traditional, white, human male Santa. What do you think?
Wikipedia has taken to blackmail in order to raise enough money to keep the non-profit, volunteer-based information site up and running. With the #11 landing page on the site being searches for xHamster, dads everywhere have begun reporting a threatening message that appears when landing on the Wikipedia page, which reads:
(Infographics provided by White House) They’re back from the dead! Big box store Toys ‘R’ Us, who declared bankruptcy just last year, has signed a $16 million deal to supply the US government with drones to police the northern border. An initial order of 200,000 DJI Phantom 4 Quadcopters has already been placed. The number of drones means there will be one surveillance device stationed every 150 feet along the border. The drones will be remotely controlled by thousands of undocumented immigrant children whose cages have already been transported and placed into position. The drones themselves are equipped with water canons that will squirt at approaching Canadians to shoo them away.