‘My Pleasure’ Chick-fil-A Employee Sobs At Gunpoint After Sauce Robber Says ‘Thank You’

Photo credit Geoffrey Fairchild

Facebook Threatens To Charge Users A Fee If They Don’t Share Their ‘Deepest, Darkest Secret’


Users of both Facebook and Instagram have reportedly been receiving a pop-up agreement with a cryptic message giving them the option to either share their worst secret, or be charged a fee to continue using the social media platforms. “To keep Facebook and Instagram free of charge, please provide us with your deepest, darkest secret in the space provided below and you will not be charged a fee to continue using our services,” part of the message reads. “We promise to never use this information to blackmail you.” Many are also criticizing the payment plans being offered. Those who wish to keep their most confidential information to themselves, but still want to use the platforms can pay $29.99 for three months of Facebook and Instagram access – which auto-renews after just two months. Another option is for users to be charged one cent per every like, share, or comment they make. As of right now there isn’t a monthly or yearly plan. Additionally, users will still see targeted advertisements despite being paying customers. Photo credit http://www.thoughtcatalog.com 

‘Hasbro’ Changes Name To ‘Hasthey’ & Unveils New, Gender-Neutral ‘Their Potato Head’


Photo Credit Banger1977

Cocaine Drops Don Jr. As Official Spokesperson For Drug


The manufacturer of cocaine released a brief statement today cutting ties with their now-former spokesperson Donald Trump Jr. “We stand for responsible use of cocaine. A bump here, a line there. You know, a rail every once in awhile,” the statement read. “But not this! Not whatever this sad mess is. It’s far too much. We sincerely wish Don Jr. the best in his future endeavors.”

Employers Now Asking ‘Who Won The 2020 Election?’ In Job Interviews To Weed Out Crazy Candidates


It might be illegal, but top employers from around the country, including Walmart, Amazon, Kroger, Home Depot, and FedEx have started asking interviewees the screening question: “Who won the 2020 election?” The corporate decision to ask such a question comes after companies realized that candidates who know how to properly process and understand reality make for much better employees. “Basic reasoning skills are inherently beneficial when working at Kroger stores,” CEO William Rodney McMullen stated. “The last thing we want is for the employees stocking our shelves to start building a wall of canned garbanzo beans while yelling at non-white customers to ‘go back to whatever aisle they came from, and to keep out of aisle 26!’” Several individuals have already filed lawsuits against many of these Fortune 500 companies, but judges have yet to rule in their favor; instead, out of pity, they’ve suggested that plaintiffs file an insanity plea to help them not have to pay the legal fees during their unemployment.

Jeff Bezos Enters Rehab For Money Addiction & Identity Crisis After Stepping Down As Amazon CEO


Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos is stepping down from his position in order to enter rehab for a severe case of money addiction and to help stop an ongoing identity crisis. Those close to Bezos say that for years the billionaire has been constantly consumed by dressing up like a dragon and thinking of ways to obtain more and more money. “Jeff truly believes that his self-worth is tied to cash and his greatest fear is that he will go bankrupt,” one person close to Bezos stated. “He also seems to think he’s a dragon.” In fact, Bezos can’t even go to bed at night unless he’s wearing a dragon onesie and there’s a huge pile of money for him to lay on. “He can’t sleep until his staff covers his bed with at least $5 million in gold coins and stacks of cash. Mr. Bezos then dresses up in one of his many dragon costumes and sprawls out on the mountain of money to fall asleep,” the source stated. The final straw for the board of directors was when Bezos began insisting on wearing his dragon onesies to the office; even for important meetings. After this went on for awhile, the board voted to force the billionaire to step down and seek help. “Jeff would roar and growl at employees and potential business partners while in meetings and walking the halls,” the source stated. “One time he scared the CEO of FedEx so much that they cancelled a shipping partnership for a few hours before other higher ups at Amazon were able to smooth things over. I truly wish Jeff the best of luck.”

Girlfriend Mad Screwing Hedge Fund Is Longest You’ve Ever Lasted While Fucking Someone

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