A recent study by Princeton University comparing George W. Bush and Donald J. Trump to former, non-drug-addicted presidents definitively shows that the United States would have been better off electing someone who was sober and less racist. “We found that a president who uses cocaine and alcohol like Bush is just as detrimental to a country’s wellbeing as a president who is riddled with Adderall, like Trump,” researcher Susan Garrity stated. “Additionally, the results show that people who aren’t blinded by racism make for much better leaders – such as President Obama.” “Having said this, we do not recommend that president Trump get sober as he would become – somehow – much worse of a person than he already is as he goes through withdrawal symptoms,” Garrity stated. “Once sober, Trump would then be searching for his next addiction to fill the void and keep him occupied. This could very well mean the proper execution of many of his plans, which would only work to further harm the country. A sober Trump would be even more deadly.”
“It’s hard to keep the kids clean and the depression buried deep, deep down inside. Purell lets you do both.”
“We’re just going to burn the alcohol-laced vomit off like every year, that’s where the city gets its signature smell.” – Chicago Gov. J.B. Pritzker
“The investigation is not meant to be a space expedition. Unfortunately, we don’t have a Space Force yet.” – Kellyanne Conway
The world’s top U.S. whiskey gets an ‘offensive’ marketing overhaul.
“We estimate that he was out cold with water in his lungs for about 2 minutes.”