Since Starbucks released its Pumpkin Spice latte back in 2003 Americans have recycled the same tired jokes about basic bitch valley girls, UGG boots, North Face vests and sucking down concentrated type-2 diabetes. Scientists now say that after 16 years the pumpkin spice problem can only be killed one way: Everyone needs to shut the fuck up about it. “It’s apparent that the pumpkin spice addicts have no taste or shame,” head researcher Veronica Dayton stated. “However, they do crave attention. So it’s really time that we all just shut the fuck up, ignore their Instagram posts, and wait until they die from attention starvation.”
American meat company Oscar Meyer has plunged its toes into the dairy dessert world with their release of ice cream-filled hotdogs. Marketed as ‘Vanilla Squirters’ the odd treat hit store shelves this week. What do you think?
“Maybe it’ll actually be good enough to win an award this time.” – Will Ferrell
Authorities are calling Chris Brown’s new album Indigo “32 tracks of incriminating evidence” which relate to 14 new assualt allegations against the artist.
“In one of the 127 boxes customers will find a serial number,” Cook stated. “That is the number they will enter online; unlocking the ability to purchase the instruction manual for putting the device together.”
“If fans are demanding a complete reshoot of the final season, then I’ve avoided 71 episodes of anticlimactic bullshit.”
Elders of the ASPCA materialized on stage. Cloaked in black hoods, they hovered and waited for Jarmon to sign their commercial contract in her own blood.