“The swirling rumors say that Melania refused to return to the White House for two weeks.”
In response, Sam’s Club announced they will be selling “everything necessary to create an elaborate sex dungeon” by July.
“With McCain already tormenting Donald Trump by repeatedly moving and re-hiding the pee tape, we can only expect worse and worse episodes.”
Hopes are high for this sequel as the original 1997 hit raked in over $1.5 billion worldwide.
“Science has confirmed that you all can shut the [expletive] up about it.”
“The Hall of Fam is like the silver medal for personal achievement. It’s meant for the guys that are a tad better than just okay.”
“Patriotism, the military, and war are all inherently republican. We own them,” Sanders stated.
The group stands out by wearing white clothing, often with pointed hoods to keep their bald heads warm.
“Because of the extreme food poisoning, Kim has also experienced dramatic silicone loss in the [expletive], lip and breast regions.”
“I’m not sure why we’d give the swastika to one side over the other,” Trump stated. “If we’re trying to accept everyone, we need to start by including minority groups like the Klan in these discussions.”
“Who cares if you can’t wash the smell off, you’ve saved an orangutan!”
“We know it is hard for Mr. McConnell to have to abort the bill right here on the Senate floor, but Democrats are truly supportive of the decision.”
Maybe I give some intellectual property to China and maybe in return they build me a wall on the border using those Nike worker children. Can we do this? I don’t know folks, but we’re going to try.”
Authorities have confirmed that Y’all-Qaeda leadership has ties to a Mississippi terror cell referred to as Talabangelicals who are also complete [expletive].
The ban is estimated to block 82.6 million US citizens from service and dishonorably discharge another 1.7 million Americans from the military.
“Now it looks like we’re going to have to burn off about 16 square miles of mature opium crop. So if you live in the area, buckle the [expletive] up on Saturday.”
“At this point teachers must be making, what? $125 thousand a year and they won’t stop complaining?” DeVos stated. “We have to push back against these union thugs who are always striking.”
“My dreams became littered with terrifying sex monsters that attacked my lesbian lover Barb.” – Elizabeth Warren
“We sell the meat to Taco Bell, send a bunch of parts to candy factories and use the rest to make high-end huffing glue.”
“Remember, we’re only talking about girth. So if you wanted to tape 7 oversized grapefruits together and play hide the citrus in your [expletive], you could absolutely do that.” Secretary Alex Azar stated.
Cohen poured 14 gallons of gasoline, began playing ‘Spark the Fire’ by Gwen Stefani, and lit the contents of the dumpster before biting the heads off several chickens.
“If friendship and odors don’t matter to you, then you could really get in great shape.”
The former FBI Director enrolled in a pottery class Anderson Cooper attends in an attempt to get him to sit in between his legs while whispering key findings in his ear.
“Because you can’t fire a gun in the bedroom, it can be very difficult for our members to achieve an erection without penis pills.”
“It’s nice to know that my wife has a backup plan in case our marriage fails because it means we still have something in common.”
Elizabeth Warren announced today at a campaign rally that she is “ready and willing” to divorce her husband of 39 years and marry her “lifelong best friend Barb.”
“Someone from that festival will be having an unwanted child that babbles bullshit for years; so when that happens, I highly recommend they name it Kanye.”
“Eggland’s Best apologizes if we’ve torn apart any families because of our gay eggs.”
Johnson & Johnson is introducing the product after research proved that about 87% of parents were looking for ways to “get back at their babies” – in a fairly harmless way – for the countless sleepless nights, spit-ups, disgusting diapers, nasty farts and constant fussing.”