With a seemingly continuous turnover of advisors in the past three years, president Trump now finds himself being advised by six different handbag designers, including his daughter Ivanka. The White House maintains that only a small percentage of meetings are spent discussing the fashion accessories. “Ivanka doesn’t talk about her fashion business with me,” Trump affirmed. “There’s no nepotism here and it really shows. Just look at me,” a dishevelled Trump stated while unzipping his 5-foot-long red tie from his fly. Additionally, the White House says they’re excited to unveil their new child and adult-sized leather body bags which were specially designed for the Kurds Trump left for dead in Syria. Advertisements
An industry-wide spike in the price of birth control has bumped the average monthly cost from $47 up to $125, forcing many women to have to choose between a pill that prevents pregnancy and a hideous article of clothing that prevents pregnancy. “Unless Congress can make some major changes to our healthcare system, I don’t see the prescription price dropping anytime soon,” reproductive physician Sarah Simmons stated. “Luckily, mom jeans are cost-effective over time and a perfect substitute for birth control. The high-waisted, straight-legged style provides a truly un-fuckable look.”
The new line of sandals will come in 7 species options and be released in about one dog year.
“Someone from that festival will be having an unwanted child that babbles bullshit for years; so when that happens, I highly recommend they name it Kanye.”
“Sqoobz aren’t comfortable to wear by any means. Your tits will be flopping around in there.” – Victoria’s Secret CEO Jan Singer