The Mormon Church broke news yesterday that they had amassed over $100 billion in a charity fund over the course of 22 years in order to buy every American “magical underwear”. “Made of unbleached cotton, these stylish full-body jockstraps make for wonderful enchanted undergarments,” Mormon leader Father Christopher Daniels told reporters. “They’re worn by superstars the likes of Mitt Romney and Donnie and Marie Osmond, so you’ll know you’re poppin’! Nothing says ‘I don’t know how sex works’ like this sleek and stylish design.” The church says deliveries of the magical underwear will begin on Christmas day. “Be sure to watch for us!” Father Daniels stated. “When you see two overtly bi-curious men come biking up your driveway – then smile – because that’s your underwear delivery!” Additionally, for just a $1,000 donation, the church says the delivery boys will personally put the underwear on you.
President Donald Trump shocked White House staffers today when he walked out of his bedroom, bald as a cue ball, and headed straight to the James F. Brady press briefing room to address journalists. The president says that the decision to go au naturel came after a late night discussion with Kellyanne Conway regarding optics and full transparency. “I had a conversation with Kellyanne and while she was talking and talking I said to myself in the mirror, ‘you know what Donald? You’re great! You are absolutely terrific. You really are.’ And I am! I really am.” Trump smiled while rubbing his bald scalp. “So I don’t need to spend three hours hair-spraying my wig every morning just to impress everyone.” “Folks, I’m going to be SO transparent that you will be like: ‘Hey! Where is he? Where did Donald go!?’ Trump concluded by claiming “I’m the first bald President – ever. Can you believe it? The first one folks! So remember: No wig to show, no quid pro quo!”
With a seemingly continuous turnover of advisors in the past three years, president Trump now finds himself being advised by six different handbag designers, including his daughter Ivanka. The White House maintains that only a small percentage of meetings are spent discussing the fashion accessories. “Ivanka doesn’t talk about her fashion business with me,” Trump affirmed. “There’s no nepotism here and it really shows. Just look at me,” a dishevelled Trump stated while unzipping his 5-foot-long red tie from his fly. Additionally, the White House says they’re excited to unveil their new child and adult-sized leather body bags which were specially designed for the Kurds Trump left for dead in Syria.
An industry-wide spike in the price of birth control has bumped the average monthly cost from $47 up to $125, forcing many women to have to choose between a pill that prevents pregnancy and a hideous article of clothing that prevents pregnancy. “Unless Congress can make some major changes to our healthcare system, I don’t see the prescription price dropping anytime soon,” reproductive physician Sarah Simmons stated. “Luckily, mom jeans are cost-effective over time and a perfect substitute for birth control. The high-waisted, straight-legged style provides a truly un-fuckable look.”
The new line of sandals will come in 7 species options and be released in about one dog year.
“Someone from that festival will be having an unwanted child that babbles bullshit for years; so when that happens, I highly recommend they name it Kanye.”
“Sqoobz aren’t comfortable to wear by any means. Your tits will be flopping around in there.” – Victoria’s Secret CEO Jan Singer