After realizing that his Republican colleagues were not going to do anything to stop him, a nervous Matt Gaetz worked up the courage today to send a $900 Venmo payment to his longtime friend and fellow alleged sexual predator Joel Greenberg. Careful not to mess up again, this time Gaetz didn’t type out “sex with underage girl” in the memo, instead opting to go with: “C’mon man! Get it together. This HAS TO BE LAST TIME!!!💦🍆” A sweaty, shaking Gaetz then hit “Pay” just before realizing that he had forgotten to change the settings to private again. As of press time Republicans were defending Gaetz, claiming that he was clearly making payments to his gardener for watering his eggplants. Original Photo credit Gage Skidmore
Matt Gaetz slipped up today when he asked a crowd of his supporters if he could have paid for sex using dandelions. The question came after Gaetz stated that it was ridiculous for Joe Biden to pick a dandelion for his wife Jill before they boarded Marine One. “Is this considered a romantic gesture?” Gaetz asked. “Even if this is something that women like, there’s definitely something childish and way off about Biden.” “Speaking of children, do they all like dandelions? Do you think I could have enticed those underage girls by using dandelions as payment? Would that have made it legal since flowers aren’t a currency?” Gaetz asked out loud before a stunned crowd. Members of Gaetz staff then quickly rushed him off the stage before issuing a statement that the politician was not feeling well. “Mr. Gaetz has seasonal allergies that sometimes make it hard for him to speak or think clearly. Today’s allergic reaction was likely brought on by Joe Biden picking that weed out of the ground and spreading dandelion seeds across the continental United States.” Photo credit Gage Skidmore
According to his wife and several sources close to him, Ted Cruz went missing today right after news broke that the Zodiac Killer’s cypher was cracked. Authorities say that they found Cruz’s shitty beard hair shaved off in a bathroom trash can of his Texas home. “The general public is being warned to look out for a creepy, baby-faced Ted Cruz who is now our prime suspect in the Zodiac murders,” an official statement read. “Everyone in the country always knew something was off about him – now we know why. So we’re offering up $100,000 to anyone who assists in the capture of Mr. Cruz. We’ll make it $250,000 if he’s knocked unconscious so we don’t have to talk to him.” Photo credit Gage Skidmore
President Trump signed an executive order today that pardoned himself for “any and all crimes in the past, present, or future” – ensuring that even if he loses the election that he will still have absolute immunity for the rest of his life. “I’m not saying that I did anything wrong, but if I did I didn’t mean to; it was an accident,” Trump stated. “And if I did, it’s not really a big deal because others have done far worse. And if I accidentally commit more crimes in the future it won’t matter because I’m signing this executive order right now.”
Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi was caught on back to back days having businesses in San Francisco illegally style and remove hair from both her head and her anus. Pelosi says that she was tricked into receiving both services as she wasn’t aware of the laws currently in place in her own state. “In both instances I was approached by the businesses. Not the other way around.” Pelosi stated. “So when I got my hair styled and my chocolate starfish waxed, I assumed that everything was on the up and up.” Pelosi said that she was certain she hadn’t broken any laws when she went to get her butthole waxed on the second day. “When they waxed my balloon knot, they had me lay on a massage table in the back alley. Because we were outdoors I was certain that what we were doing was legal,” Pelosi stated. “But lo and behold the removal of hair from my smelly Susan was a setup as well!” As of press time Pelosi had reportedly made yet another appointment for tomorrow; this time to have her conscience cleaned.