Medical Examiner rules Epstein’s death caused by asphyxiation during hot, gay prison sex

An official Medical Examiner report says that Jeffrey Epstein was strangled to death by a fellow inmate during incredibly hot, consensual erotic asphyxiation. “Although the two inmates did have a safe word, Epstein was unable to say it,” the report stated. “If he’d just managed to yell the phrase ‘help I’m being murdered’ this all could have been avoided.” Advertisements

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White House Quietly Removes Treason From Offenses Punishable by Death

YouReadyGrandma

“We had a brief window of opportunity here and we didn’t take it,” presidential candidate Cory Booker stated.

Annoyed Robert Mueller Snaps: “Oh My God, Just Impeach the Bastard Already!”

YouReadyGrandma

“Holy hell! C’mon people. Do I need to spell it out for you!?” – Robert Mueller

Mike Pence, Other Furries Banned From All Chuck E. Cheese’s

YouReadyGrandma

“The children’s entertainment and pizza chain explicitly stated that Vice President Mike Pence will not be allowed inside after his furry tail butt plug incident months back.”

New York’s Streets Run Red With Blood After State Bans Cat Declawing

YouReadyGrandma

“It’s sheer chaos,” New York Governor Andrew Cuomo stated. “Our pussies have gone mad with power.”

Most of Denver’s Population is in It’s 30th Hour of Tripping Balls Since Mushrooms Were Decriminalized

YouReadyGrandma

Due to the lack of legal consequences, throngs of hallucinating residents have congregated downtown at the 16th Street Mall to touch each other’s faces.

Steve Cohen Sparks Massive Dumpster Fire on House Floor, Bites Heads Off of Live Chickens

YouReadyGrandma

Cohen poured 14 gallons of gasoline, began playing ‘Spark the Fire’ by Gwen Stefani, and lit the contents of the dumpster before biting the heads off several chickens.