“I’ll be watching the donation basket like a hawk as it goes around. You toss a $20 in there and you better believe I’m throwing a few extra sassy swings in your direction during the pot parade.”
“You won’t hear about this, but I burned down the Notre Dame Cathedral,” Beck confirmed live on Fox & Friends. “This was France’s 9/11 and if I weren’t there to see it firsthand, you’d never know it was me: Glenn Beck, a casual, disposable, everyday Islamic terrorist.”
“If you’re banned you’ll be relocated to a garbage island off the coast of New Jersey.” – Nancy Pelosi
Trump said that the new complex would be “an experiment representing a new approach for overhauling the prison system and has nothing to do with Michael Cohen’s testimony.”
“The goal here is to analyze the memory-erasing technology used in the film and then build, disperse and use the devices in every congregation around the world,” Pope Francis stated.
“Oakley’s actions have thrown open the closet doors for individuals who are aroused by licking things to claim them as their own,”
“He didn’t know that whales were real and he is unreasonably terrified of them.”
“We do strongly prefer that they be handed over as they’ll be repurposed as thrusting devices in sex toys.”
Trump starts gagging and declares that ‘the golden juice went down the wrong pipe!’
The package was a 6 foot tall, gold-plated cube that weighed nearly 3.5 tons.
The NRA is utilizing “balloon art guns” and the hashtag #LiterallyDead as part of their marketing.
Garten has been raising her own humans for consumption in a coop next to her garden.
“The investigation is not meant to be a space expedition. Unfortunately, we don’t have a Space Force yet.” – Kellyanne Conway
“It really comes down to time and resources.”
Trump intended to nominate Mark McKinney who plays the role of Glenn Sturgis in NBC’s ‘Superstore’.
“Overall, we just want to make everyone feel more welcome and safe at Starbucks.”
Obama suggests Trump could have avoided many scandals with one trick.
“I wouldn’t necessarily call it cheating. That’s not the correct wording,” said Bilichick.
A handheld digital pet hailing from Japan, the Tamagotchi was a needy electronic animal that…
Our thoughts and prayers go out to everyone who wants to purchase more military-grade weapons.
“Schwarzenegger was also not ‘carrying a backpack,’ he was actually strapped in to a military-grade jet pack.”
The former President reported that it was “very easy” to find most of the guns.
NRA President Wayne LaPierre, and Executive Vice President James W. Porter II have announced a plan to quickly curb mass shootings in the United States of America. Here are their tips for lowering the number of shooting deaths:
Handsman had thought that pedometers, which are tiny instruments used to record the distance traveled or number of steps taken in a given period of time, were actually tools used to detect something about pedophiles.
“At first I thought she was kidding, because we like to have a good time at the store, but then I walked up to him and he gave me that same ‘what the hell are you staring at’ look that Debra had described.”
Philsmoore told reporters that he wasn’t even that mad until Wellington began to increase his volume.
“It was like he was mocking me. The old bastard wouldn’t quit.”