An official Medical Examiner report says that Jeffrey Epstein was strangled to death by a fellow inmate during incredibly hot, consensual erotic asphyxiation. “Although the two inmates did have a safe word, Epstein was unable to say it,” the report stated. “If he’d just managed to yell the phrase ‘help I’m being murdered’ this all could have been avoided.” Advertisements
“We had a brief window of opportunity here and we didn’t take it,” presidential candidate Cory Booker stated.
“Holy hell! C’mon people. Do I need to spell it out for you!?” – Robert Mueller
“The children’s entertainment and pizza chain explicitly stated that Vice President Mike Pence will not be allowed inside after his furry tail butt plug incident months back.”
“It’s sheer chaos,” New York Governor Andrew Cuomo stated. “Our pussies have gone mad with power.”
Due to the lack of legal consequences, throngs of hallucinating residents have congregated downtown at the 16th Street Mall to touch each other’s faces.
Cohen poured 14 gallons of gasoline, began playing ‘Spark the Fire’ by Gwen Stefani, and lit the contents of the dumpster before biting the heads off several chickens.