President Trump signed an executive order today that pardoned himself for “any and all crimes in the past, present, or future” – ensuring that even if he loses the election that he will still have absolute immunity for the rest of his life. “I’m not saying that I did anything wrong, but if I did I didn’t mean to; it was an accident,” Trump stated. “And if I did, it’s not really a big deal because others have done far worse. And if I accidentally commit more crimes in the future it won’t matter because I’m signing this executive order right now.”
Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi was caught on back to back days having businesses in San Francisco illegally style and remove hair from both her head and her anus. Pelosi says that she was tricked into receiving both services as she wasn’t aware of the laws currently in place in her own state. “In both instances I was approached by the businesses. Not the other way around.” Pelosi stated. “So when I got my hair styled and my chocolate starfish waxed, I assumed that everything was on the up and up.” Pelosi said that she was certain she hadn’t broken any laws when she went to get her butthole waxed on the second day. “When they waxed my balloon knot, they had me lay on a massage table in the back alley. Because we were outdoors I was certain that what we were doing was legal,” Pelosi stated. “But lo and behold the removal of hair from my smelly Susan was a setup as well!” As of press time Pelosi had reportedly made yet another appointment for tomorrow; this time to have her conscience cleaned.
Was it a cult leader or a world leader? Are you smart enough to know whether it was Charles Manson or Donald Trump who said these 10 quotes? [Grab a pencil. Answer key after article] 1. “Believe me, if I started murdering people, there’d be none of you left.” 2. “There’s nothing wrong with being incompetent. It just means you don’t have to do as much.” 3. “I’m the king of this whole planet. I’m gonna rule this whole world.” 4. “I’m the pope. I’m ten times the pope. I’m sixty times the pope.” 5. “What the hell would I wanna go off and go to work for? Work for what? Money? I got all the money in the world. I’m the king, man. I run the underworld, guy. I decide who does what and where they do it at. What am I gonna run around like some teeny bopper somewhere for someone else’s money? I make the money man, I roll the nickels. The game is mine. I deal the cards.” 6. “Words are your words. You invented the words, and you made a dictionary and you gave me the dictionary and you said, ‘These are what the words mean.’ Well, this is what they mean to you, but to someone else, they have got a different dictionary.” 7. “They’re gonna take your courtrooms. They’re gonna take your money and they’re gonna take your country. They’re gonna take your resources.” 8. “You people would convict a grilled cheese sandwich of murder and the people wouldn’t question it.” 9. “You know, a long time ago being crazy meant something. Nowadays everybody’s crazy.” 10. “I was so smart when I was a kid that I learnt that I was dumb fast.” Scroll Down For Answer Key …..….…… Answers 1-10: Charles Manson. Although all of these statements sound like something Donald Trump would say, they are all quotes from cult leader Charles Manson.
The corpse of deceased convicted sex offender Jeffrey Epstein was found hanging in a tree outside of his mausoleum in Loxahatchee, Florida this morning. Authorities investigating the incident say that two night watchmen on duty last night failed to make two of their 30-minute rounds to inspect the grounds and that’s when Epstein killed himself. Again. “What’s clear is that we have a suicide on our hands here,” Loxachatchee Police Chief Jason Whitfield confirmed. “Mr. Epstein knew that he’d be locked up in that casket indefinitely and he simply couldn’t take it anymore.”
President Trump is sending federal agents to the US suburbs in order to show citizens just “how easy it is to take their mail.” The move comes in an effort to prove that mail-in ballots will cause large-scale voter fraud and that the voting method should be outlawed for the 2020 election. “These fine men and women will be coming to a neighborhood near you in unmarked vans to steal your mail, because that’s how it will happen folks!” Trump stated. “They’ll come in unmarked vans and take the ballots! Believe me. Believe me.” Legal experts say that agents found stealing mail will likely be convicted of mail fraud. The president countered this claim, stating that federal agents have jurisdiction over mailboxes. Notably, Trump voted by mail in the 2020 Florida primary and the 2017 New York mayoral election. Moreover, experts state that every type of voter fraud in US elections is negligible when compared to the number of ballots cast and is unlikely to influence an election. As of press time Trump was looking for additional reasons to delay or deny a 2020 election loss.
Despite deadly counter-charms and curses, another horcrux was destroyed by rioters in Minneapolis last night. Witnesses say that the horcrux, which was poorly disguised as the Third Precinct Police Building, tried to protect itself by apparating countless angry men from white supremacy gatherings across the nation and then outfitting them with riot uniforms, tear gas, rubber bullets, and other weaponry.
A blood stain is one of the most challenging stains to remove from your floors. This week we’ll be teaching you how to remove blood from your hardwood or linoleum floor using Totally Spot-Less Bleach powered by Clorox 2®. Step 1: Begin by mopping up the pools of blood. Step 2: Pour Totally Spot-Less Bleach powered by Clorox 2® onto the blood stain. Let it sit for 15 to 20 minutes. The stain should disappear. Take this time to wipe up any splattered blood that may have sprayed onto nearby cabinetry if it happened in the kitchen or bathroom. Step 3: Move the body out of the way if it’s covering up any excess blood and repeat steps one and two. Step 4: Remove and burn your clothing.