Hundreds of pigeons bearing handwritten messages from Donald Trump were released from the White House today after Trump was banned from Twitter and nearly every other social media site. The president – who was annoyed by the birds flying around and shitting on him in the Oval Office – had the birds’ wings clipped, thus preventing them from flying and essentially banning himself from using pigeons as a method of communication. Notably, experts have pointed out that the birds weren’t even carrier pigeons. As of press time nearly 1,000 now-flightless birds were walking around and defecating on the White House’s North Lawn.
When asked again today by reporters why he wouldn’t set a good example for the country by wearing a mask, president Trump angered many with his response. “I’m tired of the mask question. You know who should really be wearing a mask? Ugly women,” Trump stated. “Cover up those dog faces, use a paper bag for all I care. Okay? I don’t care how you do it, just cover it up.” NPR reporter Amanda Jackson fired back with a follow up question, asking “But Mr. president, you’re morbidly obese and unnaturally orange, so by your standards shouldn’t you be wearing a mask too?” Visibly upset, Trump made a dismissive hand gesture toward Jackson, said he wouldn’t be taking any more questions, and walked away from the podium. Moments later White House Press Secretary Kayleigh McEnany gave a statement defending the president. “Mr. Trump is rightfully upset with and tired of the mask questions. Wearing a mask is a personal choice that the president makes for himself on a daily basis,” McEnany stated. “Having said that, the president was just being facetious when he said only certain women should be wearing a mask. So grow up, it was a joke.” Shortly thereafter Trump contradicted McEnany and doubled down by tweeting out: As of press time the United States was still ranked the worst at dealing with COVID-19 among first world countries, but experts point out that this is to be expected considering the country is on day 1,264 of having no leadership. Photo credit Gage Skidmore
With the announcement of the 26th Annual Darwin Awards, Donald Trump has found himself on the winner’s list. The leader of the free world tweeted about his accomplishment. Notably, Darwin Award winners are required to be sterile, display an astounding misapplication of judgement, and be the cause of their own demise.
The bill was expected to pass unanimously, but has turned into an inexplicable, one-man filibuster by Ted Cruz.
Trump is revealing the meaning of ‘covfefe’ and people couldn’t be more excited.
“This is Trump’s 4th fake marriage, but the first one that makes sense.”
Trump said that the new complex would be “an experiment representing a new approach for overhauling the prison system and has nothing to do with Michael Cohen’s testimony.”