SpaceX astronauts Robert Behnken and Douglas Hurley are refusing orders to return to Earth this weekend, citing the uncontrolled spread of coronavirus and social unrest in their home country of the United States. “Although we have already carried out our mission successfully, we’ve decided to remain in space until the US can get its shit together,” Behnken stated. “Maybe if our country had some semblance of a comprehensive plan to defeat the virus we’d be coming back.” Fellow astronaut Douglas Hurley echoed Behnken’s statement. “No one in their right mind would return to that chaos when they could just float around and wait it out up here instead,” Hurley confirmed while sporting a Black Lives Matter shirt. “It’s likely we won’t return until president Trump is no longer in office because – let’s face it – nothing is getting better. In fact, it’s only getting worse down there.”
The Pentagon put an end to the ongoing statue removal debate today by ordering every statue in the country to be taken down and replaced with sculptures of our “soon-to-be arriving alien overlords.” The announcement comes just hours after the government admitted it had found multiple crashed UFOs. “Over the past years we have acquired several off-world vehicles that contained deceased, foreign lifeforms,” General Mark A. Milley stated. “Along with this we found plans for an invasion, and that invasion is coming soon.” The Pentagon says that the extraterrestrial equipment they found is so far advanced that humans have “no chance” fighting off the superior species. “We have no clue how their alien technology even works, so the best thing that we can do is give praise and show our subservience from the very beginning,” General Milley stated. “Replacing all statues is just our first step. Indeed, it appears the age of mankind’s rule is over.” Milley also stated that the government would be cutting military spending in half starting next month because “there’s really no point in trying anymore.” Instead, the general says the funds will be used to end homelessness, provide universal healthcare, fund education, and end world hunger. “We’re still not sure what we’re going to do with the rest of the money,” Milley confirmed. “But for a few weeks, until the aliens come and take over everything we know and love, the United States will be the greatest that it has ever been.” Photo credit Timothy Hale
Vice President Mike Pence modeled the new version of the United States Space Force uniform for photographers today after the administration was deeply criticized for using camouflage uniforms for outer space missions. “These lightweight, durable, leather harness uniforms are sleek and form fitting, but non-restrictive,” Pence stated. “I’ve been wearing something similar for years, so I can attest to the craftsmanship.” Photo credit torbakhopper
The blessing of the official Bible of the US Space Force took place today and religious groups are livid after learning the selected Bible was written in Galactic Basic; the common language found in Star Wars. The White House confirmed that the Bible was selected by president Trump himself who insisted that it be written in Galactic Basic “so that the aliens could understand.”
China announced today that it will be launching its first massive shuttle filled with hundreds of elderly citizens into a supermassive black hole. With China’s 65 and older population expected to reach 487 million, or nearly 35 percent by 2050, scientists say the new plan should be able to cut that number in half by 2036. By then, China estimates there will be 250 million corpses rocketing toward the black hole – an event that will mark the freest a Chinese citizen has ever been.
NASA is in hot water again today after providing female astronauts with high heels for the first all-female spacewalk outside of the International Space Station. After not having enough spacesuits for women for a canceled mission earlier this year, NASA is now facing criticism for blatant sexism from several women’s rights groups. To make matters worse, the astronauts caused damage to the exterior of the space station when a Christian Louboutin heel shattered a $1.7 million solar panel and punctured a backup pressure valve. As a gesture of good faith, NASA says they’re sending up rolls of quarters for the women to use in the feminine hygiene dispensers.