Pisces – It seems like someone in your life is always relying on you for Every Single Thing Just leave the baby at the park for a few hours and take some time for yourself. Scorpio – All of your money troubles will … Continue reading Weekly Horoscope From Your Favorite Grandma!!!
Billionaire Elon Musk told reporters today that, not only does he already have “at least 370 kids,” but that he also plans on having thousands more in order to colonize mars. The news comes after it was revealed that the … Continue reading Elon Musk: ‘I Will Colonize Mars, But Only With Thousands Of My Own Offspring’
The head of NASA announced today that the organization plans to get rid of the aging International Space Station (ISS) by “purposely crashing it into the Pacific Ocean” sometime in January of 2031. NASA says that the decision was made … Continue reading NASA To Turn 450-Ton, Non-Recyclable International Space Station Into ‘Somebody Else’s Problem’ By Crashing It Into The Ocean
A restraining order was handed down to NASA on Tuesday after one of their spacecrafts was seen lurking near the Sun before it penetrated the massive ball of fire; touching it right on the atmosphere. Here’s what people are saying: Continue reading NASA Slapped With A Restraining Order After Probing The Sun’s Atmosphere
Sources are reporting that billionaire Richard Branson quickly became bored with today’s space flight just seconds after passengers began experiencing weightlessness. “The spaceship was at the top of its flight path, 50-plus miles high, suspended in weightlessness while allowing the … Continue reading Unimpressed: Richard Branson Said He Was ‘Over Space’ Only Seconds Into Weightlessness
A new Gallup Poll revealed today that nearly 100 percent of the general public isn’t concerned over why the extremely wealthy are trying so desperately to make it to outer space, and quickly. When reached for comment, Elon Musk said … Continue reading General Public Somehow Unconcerned As To Why The Wealthy Are Desperately Trying To Go To Outer Space
Jeff Bezos announced today that he will be flying to outer space next month on Blue Origin’s New Shepard Rocket in order to “get a better look at Earth” before deciding if he wants to buy it. The flight, which … Continue reading Jeff Bezos Going To Space ‘To Get A Better Look At Earth’ Before Potentially Buying It
Scientists have discovered that the former planet of Pluto has yet to complete an orbit since it was demoted to a dwarf planet in August of 2006. Many experts now say that Pluto is suffering from a phenomenon called perturbed … Continue reading Clearly Depressed, Pluto Has Yet To Complete A Single Orbit Since Demotion To Dwarf Planet
SpaceX astronauts Robert Behnken and Douglas Hurley are refusing orders to return to Earth this weekend, citing the uncontrolled spread of coronavirus and social unrest in their home country of the United States. “Although we have already carried out our … Continue reading SpaceX Astronauts Refusing to Return to Earth ‘Until The US Gets Its Shit Together’
The Pentagon put an end to the ongoing statue removal debate today by ordering every statue in the country to be taken down and replaced with sculptures of our “soon-to-be arriving alien overlords.” The announcement comes just hours after the … Continue reading Pentagon: ‘It’s Time to Erect Statues In Honor Of Our Arriving Alien Overlords’
Vice President Mike Pence modeled the new version of the United States Space Force uniform for photographers today after the administration was deeply criticized for using camouflage uniforms for outer space missions. “These lightweight, durable, leather harness uniforms are sleek … Continue reading Mike Pence unveils updated, leather Space Force uniforms after mockery over camouflage design
The blessing of the official Bible of the US Space Force took place today and religious groups are livid after learning the selected Bible was written in Galactic Basic; the common language found in Star Wars. The White House confirmed … Continue reading Space Force Bible written in Galactic Basic and blessed at National Cathedral sparks outrage
China announced today that it will be launching its first massive shuttle filled with hundreds of elderly citizens into a supermassive black hole. With China’s 65 and older population expected to reach 487 million, or nearly 35 percent by 2050, … Continue reading China will launch their elderly into a supermassive black hole large enough to quietly solve their population problem
NASA is in hot water again today after providing female astronauts with high heels for the first all-female spacewalk outside of the International Space Station. After not having enough spacesuits for women for a canceled mission earlier this year, NASA … Continue reading High heels damage Space Station during first all-female spacewalk
Armstrong says he didn’t really need to pee, but that he was pranked by NASA… Continue reading It’s Been 50 Years Since Neil Armstrong Definitely Pissed Himself on The Moon
“It’s sad to think how much we could have achieved if we hadn’t installed so much BDSM programming.” Continue reading Mars Rover Found Dead From Auto-Erotic Asphyxiation
