Investigation under way after Mitch McConnell gets a plastic straw rammed up his nose

An investigation is underway after Kentucky Senator Mitch McConnell was severely injured moments after opening a package that contained several plastic bags and straws. McConnell, like most turtles, tried to put the foreign objects in his mouth to gain an understanding of what they were. Instead of learning anything, McConnell ended up nearly choking to death on a plastic bag while lodging a straw firmly up his nose. To make matters worse, the Senator is now scared and refusing to let anyone remove the plastic from his bleeding nasal cavity. Additionally, authorities say they likely won’t be able to press any charges if the mailer of the package is identified. “There’s nothing illegal about sending someone straws and bags, we just want to talk to this person.” Kentucky Attorney General Daniel Cameron stated. “It’s weird, but it’s not illegal. If anything I’m more concerned about Mr. McConnell. I think we all are.” Photo credit Gage Skidmore

Marriott announces guests can no longer steal travel-sized shampoo bottles


In a move that will reduce their plastic waste by 30%, Marriott International announced that their hotels will no longer provide single-use toiletry bottles for guests to steal. Instead, as part of a company-wide green initiative, Marriott says they will put out reusable, 36-ounce pump-action shampoo and conditioner bottles. Photo Credit Karen Bryan

KFC completely drops meat and changes name to Kentucky Fried Chickpeas


After a warm reception while testing out plant-based protein at an Atlanta location, KFC is completely switching over to imitation meat and changing its name to Kentucky Fried Chickpeas. The fast food restaurant cites lower costs and environmental reasons for making the switch. “Honestly, if people were willing to eat the trash we served before, then this transition should be painless” KFC CEO Roger Eaton stated. Meanwhile, an outraged President Trump – who normally eats KFC several times a day – has called for a boycott of the chain, calling the move ‘unfair’ and the food ‘fake meat.’

Texans Question Their Masculinity As State Begins Using More Wind Energy Than Coal


“Have they considered powering these windmills with coal?”

Canada Will Ban All Single-Use Condoms by 2021


We can’t have Canada smelling like burnt, used condoms anymore,” Prime Minister Justin Trudeau stated.

Al Gore to Release Scathing Climate Change Film Titled ‘Bitches, I Fucking Warned You!’


“The people alive today are the last generation of humans that’ll live on this planet as we know it. Having said that, I’d like to invite everyone to go ahead and eat a dick.”

Uber’s New Submarine Service ‘ScUber’ Will Let Riders Drop Trash Directly on The Great Barrier Reef


“If you can toss a plastic soda ring right around a turtle’s neck or ram a straw up their nose you win $100 in Uber ride credits.”

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