Columbia, SC – Senator Lindsey Graham says the only reason he’s conservative is because he gets “incredibly hot” when he hears fellow right-wingers mock, belittle, and dehumanize homosexuals such as himself. Graham claims this is who he is at his core and that it would be great if liberals could hate him for it too, because that also gets him off. “I don’t care if you’re a Democrat or a Republican, just tell me I’m a worthless piece of shit,” Graham smiled. “And please do not hesitate to show contempt for my sexuality by calling me a woman, because deep down I’m a depraved, self-loathing sexist too.” Graham says the ultimate turn on – besides being called “Lady G” on Twitter – would be if Republicans could find a way to ban same-sex marriage once again. “Trump has already taken rights away from the transgenders and I can’t wait to see him take it even further,” Graham moaned while rubbing his nipples. “If we could just wash as much equality away as possible that would really get my rocks off.” Photo credit Gage Skidmore
The American Association of Retired People (AARP) released a new poll today revealing that, when forced to choose, 87% of Americans over 50 would prefer to have sex with Joe Biden over Donald Trump. Reasons cited by the more than 1,400 participants varied from the candidates’ weight and the chance of catching diseases to apparent hygiene, perceived stamina, and anticipated odors. Upon hearing about the poll, an angry president Trump tweeted out: Trump’s tweet has raised eyebrows as his current wife Melania turned 50 back in April and her marriage contract doesn’t expire for nearly five more years.
Disney announced that yet another one of their rides will be getting a politically correct upgrade this month after the company decided that their ‘The Little Mermaid: Ariel’s Undersea Adventure’ ride was both sexist and racist. The new ride, which will be called ‘The Little Mer-Person: Ariel’s Woke Adventure’ is scheduled to reopen in late September in California and Florida. Notably, several new songs will be piped through brand new Dolby Digital Surround Sound speakers, including Childish Gambino’s “This is America,” which will replace “Under the Sea” and be sung by the character Sebastian who is voiced by Donald Glover himself. Another character receiving an upgrade is the infamous villain Ursula, who will now be voiced by music legend Queen Latifa who will be featured singing her hit song “U.N.I.T.Y.” in place of “Poor Unfortunate Souls”. Disney says the final scene culminates when Sebastian (Glover) sings the familiar song “Kiss the Girl” with updated pronouns while PrinceX – who is a black, transgendered, lesbian – kisses a non-binary Ariel on the lips after first clearly asking for and receiving consent.
(Brookfield, WI) Local man Jeremy Walowitz says his first date with Amy Patel is going so well that he just might be getting an elbow job. “You have to be extra careful when dating during the coronavirus outbreak,” Walowitz stated. “There’s no kissing and no exchange of mucus whatsoever. Right now the elbow job is really all you can hope to get. Unless you’re into feet, then there’s a few more options.” In may ways an elbow job, or “LBJ” as some are calling it, is just like a hand job, except for the fact that the penis is placed in the cubital region of the arm fold, opposite the elbow. “I also call it the ‘Chicken Dance’ because it looks just like the part of the song where you flap your arms like a bird,” Walowitz stated. As of press time Walowitz was receiving an elbow job, but unable to finish because the Chicken Dance was playing on a loop in his head.
After taking over 5,200 photographs of male genetalia, experts at Cornell University have released a computer-generated image of what the average male penis looks like. This is an image of the most basic dick:
Users of the popular gay dating and hookup app ‘Grindr’ have reported that Vice President Mike Pence had a countdown to impeachment on his profile that only remained visible for a few minutes. One user managed to snap a screen shot of Pence’s profile before it was changed. Later the two men met at the vice president’s home in Washington D.C. whereupon Pence gave the man a rusty trombone for nearly 4 hours while masterfully performing several patriotic songs with his lips.
Nancy Pelosi and fellow Democrats announced today that they plan to push forward with the collection of evidence in an effort to lube up Republicans across the aisle and get them to impeach president Trump. “We want to give them a nice tug toward impeachment by repeatedly edging them closer and closer with new facts,” Pelosi stated. “Once we’re certain they can’t hold back from shouting ‘Yea!’, we’ll finish ’em off by sticking the articles of impeachment up in there and bring this all to a surprising and satisfying climax.”