“I pulled all of my investments in Elon’s companies halfway into the movie because I was certain he had been [expletive] to death.”
An attempt to clue the Vice President in using his teleprompter backfired; resulting in Pence aggressively shouting “There’s a tail sticking out of your ass” in the middle of an impassioned speech on moral decay in America.
“This lengthy, intricate study was conducted by the folks at the Harvard Center for Brain Science and incorporated proven Penis Responsiveness Technology (PRT) and Brainwave Function Reading (BFR) from leading scientists from the Biomimetic Robotics Lab at MIT.”
“I permanently cut cheese out of my diet,” police officer Damien Stephens stated. “If you’ve never seen a ‘Kraft Singles Cheese Queef Shower,’ I recommend that you keep it that way.”
“It’s sad to think how much we could have achieved if we hadn’t installed so much BDSM programming.”
Democrats are trying to persuade Melania Trump to bring the president to mindblowing climax.
“Oakley’s actions have thrown open the closet doors for individuals who are aroused by licking things to claim them as their own,”
“Now, when I place Sajid in a crouching position behind me I’ll look for a confused expression on the president’s face. Soon thereafter – and here’s where it gets interesting – Sajid will pop out from behind me and…”
The campaign materials in question have retained the ‘MAGA’ slogan, but repurposed the acronym to mean “Make All the Gays go Away.”
Gillette says they intend to replace the marketing team with all female, yet conservative employees “so both sides shut up.”
“We’re giving new mothers 24 hours off, 8 of which will be paid. That leaves plenty of time for doing Kegels.”
“Handies start at $18 and prices go up from there.”
A poll of 565 men has found that 82% did not believe mutual masturbation to be a homosexual act, with respondents expressing a sentiment that touching cock isn’t gay, but lips touching lips is gay – meaning that emotional intimacy is their real issue – not the dick. What do you think? Joshua O’brien: “If […]
“We do strongly prefer that they be handed over as they’ll be repurposed as thrusting devices in sex toys.”
Trump starts gagging and declares that ‘the golden juice went down the wrong pipe!’
Previously Subaru had used coded marketing tactics to reach lesbians.
“It’s not like we’re asking them to carry our purses up there – although that would be ideal and hopefully it leads to that.”
“He’s found a loophole here and it’s simply stunning.” – Rudy Giuliani
Users of the popular gay dating and hookup app ‘Grindr’ have reported that Vice President Mike Pence had a countdown to impeachment on his profile that only remained visible for a few minutes. One user managed to snap a screen shot of Pence’s profile before it was changed. Later the two men met at the […]
“These kids aren’t fully investing themselves in the vibrant artistic expression and riveting stories.” – Jane Meyers, Head of Stanford’s Sex & Gender Studies
“It will sound like an airplane is taking off inside of the user’s vagina,” iBort creator Justin Swartzky stated.
Tyson offered a confusingly graphic, yet scientific explanation.
“Americans will become more honest and open about sex, sexual education, and hardcore sexual domination,” Cornell said while rubbing his ‘itchy nipples’.
“We should always be looking up to God before going down to worship,” said Francis.
“Steve and Tim will hold hands, and sometimes even kiss,” laughed Earhardt.
Team refuses to speak to straight, male figure skater. #WinterOlympics
“Our first guideline for all users is that you cannot use nude photos in your profile, so that was strike one.”
(Boston, MA) In what can only be called shocking, Massachusetts legislators have passed a law that bans homophobic people from using bathrooms. The law, which will take effect on Monday, has some people – for lack of a better term – pissed off.
“At this point I realized that something was up,” stated Johnson “because he would get mad if I walked on the side of him that the arrows on his shirt weren’t pointing at… and ALL of the shirts had an arrow.”