In a concerted effort to distance themselves from Donald Trump, a group of over 120 conservative politicians held a Zoom call this week to discuss creating a third party called ‘Republicans Against Trump’ (RATs). The party is described as “basically the same, but far, far less overt in their racism.” Notably, Senator Mitch McConnell was just one of the high-ranking politicians who has taken the lead in the RATs movement. “Simply put, there’s no place for Mr. Trump’s anything-but-subtle racism. He’s hijacked the Republican party by repeatedly saying the quiet part out loud,” Mitch McConnell told reporters. “They call it a ‘dog whistle’ because not everyone is supposed to hear it, but Donald might as well be shouting the N-word from the rooftops.” McConnell says that his fellow RATs plan to focus on issues such as enhancing voter suppression among minorities, blocking any immigration by brown people, and supporting the caging of children while pushing for the deportation of their parents. “As RATs, we are very serious about this. We want to separate ourselves from Donald Trump just as much as we want to separate those children from their parents,” McConnell stated. Photo credit Gage Skidmore.
Citing a lack of anonymity as being their primary mistake, countless arrested domestic terrorists who stormed the Capitol now say they regret not wearing white, pointy hoods like their grandparents had during riots past. “Collectively, we should have learned from our family histories about how this works,” accused terrorist Jake Chansley stated. “We should have stormed the Capitol while wearing hoods and robes, not horns and furs.” Indeed, countless insurrectionists now find themselves on the no-fly list, facing felonies, and very likely to be barred from voting or owning guns. “All of these arrests could have been avoided if we’d just embraced our grandparents’ fashion choices for such events,” Chansley stated. “My God. Have we learned nothing from history!?” As of press time, many of the arrested domestic terrorists were blaming president Trump for telling them what to do, but not how to go about getting away with it.
Despite deadly counter-charms and curses, another horcrux was destroyed by rioters in Minneapolis last night. Witnesses say that the horcrux, which was poorly disguised as the Third Precinct Police Building, tried to protect itself by apparating countless angry men from white supremacy gatherings across the nation and then outfitting them with riot uniforms, tear gas, rubber bullets, and other weaponry.
After a morning interview in which former Vice President Joe Biden told black Americans “you ain’t black” if you are voting for Trump, president Trump fired back with two tweets, drawing a sharp contrast between the two candidates.
“If this will lift the curse from constructing Arrowhead Stadium on an Indian burial ground, then we’re willing to let it slide.” – Chiefs CEO Clark Hunt
The group stands out by wearing white clothing, often with pointed hoods to keep their bald heads warm.
“The Washington Redskins select any Native American. That’s right. Any. Just send anyone, but preferably someone athletic or okay with doing commercials.”