Arrested Capitol Attackers Now Wish They’d Worn Hoods Like Their Grandparents

YouReadyGrandma

Citing a lack of anonymity as being their primary mistake, countless arrested domestic terrorists who stormed the Capitol now say they regret not wearing white, pointy hoods like their grandparents had during riots past. “Collectively, we should have learned from our family histories about how this works,” accused terrorist Jake Chansley stated. “We should have stormed the Capitol while wearing hoods and robes, not horns and furs.” Indeed, countless insurrectionists now find themselves on the no-fly list, facing felonies, and very likely to be barred from voting or owning guns. “All of these arrests could have been avoided if we’d just embraced our grandparents’ fashion choices for such events,” Chansley stated. “My God. Have we learned nothing from history!?” As of press time, many of the arrested domestic terrorists were blaming president Trump for telling them what to do, but not how to go about getting away with it.

Rioters Destroy Police Station, Leaving Just Three More Poorly-Disguised Horcruxes

YouReadyGrandma

Despite deadly counter-charms and curses, another horcrux was destroyed by rioters in Minneapolis last night. Witnesses say that the horcrux, which was poorly disguised as the Third Precinct Police Building, tried to protect itself by apparating countless angry men from white supremacy gatherings across the nation and then outfitting them with riot uniforms, tear gas, rubber bullets, and other weaponry.

‘If You Like Your Skin Color, You Can Keep It’ Trump Reassures Black Supporters

YouReadyGrandma

After a morning interview in which former Vice President Joe Biden told black Americans “you ain’t black” if you are voting for Trump, president Trump fired back with two tweets, drawing a sharp contrast between the two candidates.

Chiefs QB Patrick Mahomes Gives His MVP Trophy to a Nearby Native American Tribe

“If this will lift the curse from constructing Arrowhead Stadium on an Indian burial ground, then we’re willing to let it slide.” – Chiefs CEO Clark Hunt

Mr. Clean Cosplayers Host Bonfire Party in Dayton, Ohio

YouReadyGrandma

The group stands out by wearing white clothing, often with pointed hoods to keep their bald heads warm.

Washington Redskins Justify Keeping Name in 2019 by Drafting a Native American in the First Round

YouReadyGrandma

“The Washington Redskins select any Native American. That’s right. Any. Just send anyone, but preferably someone athletic or okay with doing commercials.”

Tucker Carlson Forgets to Remove Klan Robe, Walks On to Set of Fox & Friends

YouReadyGrandma

“None of them seemed phased by Carlson. It was like the [expletive] Twilight Zone.”

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