“Donald J. Trump is up for Best Performance in a Comedy Series that lasts for one term or less.”
“The swirling rumors say that Melania refused to return to the White House for two weeks.”
Authorities list gunpowder, Sudafed, oregano, ammonium nitrate fertilizer, paint thinner and celery salt as some of the ingredients.
“These little green guys don’t stand a chance,” Nevada Governor Steve Sisolak stated. “Us Nevadans don’t take too kindly to… let’s say… off-white beings. Once they cross that fence they’re going to get lit up like the 4th of July!”
“What better way to show that the United States is a Christian nation than by celebrating Jesus’ crucifixion on America’s birthday!?” – President Donald J. Trump
Biden’s hair came from his soundproof hobby room where he keeps his personal collection of real hair, mannequins and doll parts.
“It’s safe to say that most residents of the state of Mississippi have been vegetarian, or close to it, since 2009.” – Governor Phil Bryant
“An investigation will show Melania’s knockers were implanted by the Russians to spy on our great nation.”
“I can’t express enough how grateful I am that this isn’t happening to me or my family.” – U.S. Rep. Steve King (R-IA)
“It’s Adam and Summer’s Eve, not Ben and Jerry; although, some Victoria’s Secret and Lane Bryant experimentation sounds intriguing,” Trump tweeted.
“We’re asking that all passengers take a look in overhead storage and under their seats to avoid crushing the reptiles and to assist in their capture.”
President Trump celebrated his 73rd birthday by getting a tattoo of Pepe the Frog on his right butt cheek.
“With McCain already tormenting Donald Trump by repeatedly moving and re-hiding the pee tape, we can only expect worse and worse episodes.”
“You can rest assured that somewhere, in an existing but undetectable universe, another version of you is out there having a meaningful, fulfilling life.”
An executive order from the desk of President Trump has put an end to genetically-modified, cyborg baby programs.
“It’s sheer chaos,” New York Governor Andrew Cuomo stated. “Our pussies have gone mad with power.”
“Genetically-speaking the lineage has certain characteristics that really stand out; such as having categorically unpleasant hair and personalities.” – 23andMe CEO Anne Wojcicki
Republicans now agree that the President has committed an impeachable offense.
“I’m running because I have a very particular set of skills,” the 7-foot tall former FBI Director bellowed. “Skills I have acquired over a very long career. Skills that make me a nightmare for people like you, Mr. Trump.”
“Apple fans will buy it because they are, without a doubt, the biggest consumer whores on the planet,” CEO Tim Cook stated.
“I’m not sure why we’d give the swastika to one side over the other,” Trump stated. “If we’re trying to accept everyone, we need to start by including minority groups like the Klan in these discussions.”
According to their website, Mufflr is being funded by powerful lesbians Ellen Degeneres and Hillary Clinton.
“We know it is hard for Mr. McConnell to have to abort the bill right here on the Senate floor, but Democrats are truly supportive of the decision.”
Maybe I give some intellectual property to China and maybe in return they build me a wall on the border using those Nike worker children. Can we do this? I don’t know folks, but we’re going to try.”
Authorities have confirmed that Y’all-Qaeda leadership has ties to a Mississippi terror cell referred to as Talabangelicals who are also complete [expletive].
The ban is estimated to block 82.6 million US citizens from service and dishonorably discharge another 1.7 million Americans from the military.
“Contrary to popular belief, fingerlike appendages do not exit the butt and press on the phone screen, that’s poop you’re thinking of.”
Due to the lack of legal consequences, throngs of hallucinating residents have congregated downtown at the 16th Street Mall to touch each other’s faces.
“At this point teachers must be making, what? $125 thousand a year and they won’t stop complaining?” DeVos stated. “We have to push back against these union thugs who are always striking.”