Ginsburg didn’t know she’d broken her ribs until bruising showed through her tattoos.
Scott Walker will now have to flush his system of illegal substances in order to qualify for unemployment assistance.
“I almost gave up and started drawing patterns in the bubbles, but then I remembered I was voting.”
None of our anchors can say “Trump” without vomiting.
The package was a 6 foot tall, gold-plated cube that weighed nearly 3.5 tons.
“If all of this goes according to their godless plan, the Korean Water Ghosts will force us to follow their cultural views or be killed.”
Presidential Alerts cannot be turned off on mobile phones.
“I just don’t see the problem here.” – Senator McConnell
“It appears that he was not remotely aware of the situation and still probably isn’t.”
Users of the popular gay dating and hookup app ‘Grindr’ have reported that Vice President Mike Pence had a countdown to impeachment on his profile that only remained visible for a few minutes. One user managed to snap a screen shot of Pence’s profile before it was changed. Later the two men met at the […]
Melania’s emails have been released to the public in an act of transparency.
Banana sales have increased by 27% in the United States.
As walking billboards for work ethic, conservatives add relish to hotdogs as they salivate over the notion of countless 80-hour work weeks to pay for an ambulance ride.
Trump intended to nominate Mark McKinney who plays the role of Glenn Sturgis in NBC’s ‘Superstore’.
Sarah Huckabee Sanders would neither confirm nor deny the claims.
“Overall, we just want to make everyone feel more welcome and safe at Starbucks.”
‘The number of homeless veterans wheeling hundreds of gallons of gasoline through bustling urban centers could be a huge safety problem.’
A painting by President George W. Bush shows his prediction of the future.
Obama was confronted while leaving a mosque.
“Aggression toward the president grew incrementally,” said head ATRI researcher Kaito Nakamura.
“I wouldn’t necessarily call it cheating. That’s not the correct wording,” said Bilichick.
“Look people, this is ludicrous, Jesus was a white man,” said Kelly.
“I’m going to be SO transparent that you will be like: ‘Hey! Where is he? Where did Donald go!?’
The North Korean leader then flipped open a glass-encased red button, pressed it, and was immediately torn apart – along with the rest of his country – by a faulty nuclear missile.
“I would always tell him that it’s not a good idea to eat a ‘snack’ before, during, and after each hole at one of his world-renowned golf courses,” sadly…
“Schwarzenegger was also not ‘carrying a backpack,’ he was actually strapped in to a military-grade jet pack.”
“Let’s fix this now and add some pizzazz and sparkle to the church.”- Pope Francis
There is, in fact, a 5th hijacked plan from 9/11 that is still flying above our borders, with hostages. Let that sink in, because I know I had to as well. Let’s just pause to think about that.”
BREAKING: (D.C.) In an unprecedented judicial move, the United States Supreme Court has just used its power to halt the 2016 Presidential election on the grounds of an obscure, little-known, yet legitimate measure found in The U.S. Constitution. With one seat still vacant in the court, the 8-0 vote passed in the late hours of […]
Leading scientists at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology (MIT) are saying that a large portion of Americans need to hit the reset button on their brains. The problem has gotten so bad that scientists fear many people can’t actually see how different things can be interconnected, or conversely, completely unrelated. “The human brain is not […]
With a strong, seasonal depression quickly approaching, many Americans are considering staying home for the 4th of July weekend. Indeed, most experts agree that due to the severity of the looming depression – staying home, locking the doors, and hunkering down might be the wisest decision. “For me, it looks like the depression will be […]
(Boston, MA) In what can only be called shocking, Massachusetts legislators have passed a law that bans homophobic people from using bathrooms. The law, which will take effect on Monday, has some people – for lack of a better term – pissed off.
After weeks of back-and-forth rhetoric, Hillary Clinton has finally agreed to debate Bernie Sanders. The Hillary Clinton/DNC Campaign has generously offered several dates, times, and locations for the two to clash – including some specific rules. Option #1: During the NCAA Championship game on April 4th, 2016. Debate Rules: The debate cannot begin before the […]
Everything began when delivery driver Jessica Sturns noticed that something was awry when she saw the additional comment on the delivery instructions which read:
“In lieu of officially being called “The Redskins,” the team has announced – in a short press release – that they will now go by “The Washington…”
“Milwaukee, Wisconsin Alderman Jim Bohl has made a sweeping decree to issue flamethrowers to all residents in light of slow and ineffective snow-clearing efforts in the city. An order has already been put in with an undisclosed military manufacturer for nearly…”
Steve Harvey, miss universe, wrong, winner, planet, kolob, names, crowns, mistake, error
There have been several unconfirmed reports of an orange-ish figure in a black, flowing cloak wandering in Manhattan, New York. The specter appears to be targeting Fox News host Megyn Kelly by leaving a wide variety of arguably sex…
Although he has denied ever drugging or raping any women, Bill Cosby has now admitted to purchasing and using date rape drugs on Subway’s spokesperson Jared Fogle. The shocking admission of guilt has left child pornography suspect Jared Fogle in the clear, but also with many questions…
Brady revealed that he was “very hurt” by the NFL’s decision to ban him for 4 games. Further, the release stated that he “couldn’t stand to see his team slighted like this” – referring to the lost draft picks and $1 million fine.