In a rare Sunday vote, Congress managed to pass a stimulus bill that will send one hundred $6 checks to every American. “Although we couldn’t agree on a higher amount, we did come to the conclusion that one hundred checks would make a much bigger impact, visually speaking,” Nancy Pelosi stated. “So I hope your mailbox is big enough, because they’re all coming at once!” Meanwhile president Trump called the bill “a huge step in the right direction.” “If my math checks out, that’s $6,000 for every American citizen,” Trump smiled. “I asked for $2,000, I get $6,000!” As of press time, the US Postal Service announced that the undertaking was literally impossible. Photo credit Bjoertvedt .
After months of back and forth over what to provide in a stimulus package for the American people, Congress has finally managed to pass a bill that will offer every family a pizza party and a free copy of Shrek 3. According to Senator Mitch McConnell, another option that Congress was considering included a coupon for free chips and guacamole at Chipotle. “Besides the free, authentic Mexican food we also toyed with the idea of simply sending a dildo with a letter telling Americans to go fuck themselves,” McConnell laughed. “And in the end that’s essentially what we’ve done here.” When pressed for details on the pizza party, McConnell admitted that they will just be sending a 15-count bag of Totino’s Pepperoni Pizza Rolls™ to citizens. Notably, McConnell says they will be sending out the pizza rolls despite lacking the funds to keep the food frozen. “If anything this will help starving families heat these delicious and nutritious morsels even faster,” McConnell smiled. “What a treat!”
Mike Pence argued today that opening schools amidst the coronavirus pandemic is acceptable because “COVID-19 will still kill less children than school shootings this year, and we don’t do anything to prevent those.” “If you’re scared about your child getting sick, let me reassure you,” Pence smiled, “there will be many, many more kids gunned down this school year than will be killed by any virus.” Pushing back, the CDC pointed out that many children will in fact die from COVID-19, that kids will undoubtedly spread the disease to high risk people who will also die, that school-wide outbreaks are inevitable, and that cancelling the school year would result in zero school shootings. “It is sad that we can’t open schools on time, but if we had followed social distancing and face mask rules over the past several months, maybe we could have,” a message from the CDC read. “It’s hard to believe that the unintelligent are literally killing the rest of us, but it serves as a grave reminder that we need to fix our widespread educational problems. Sadly, at this point, we look forward to a time when bodies are only piling up because of bullets.” Photo credit Gage Skidmore
Despite being unable to utilize most office space or conference rooms, tech companies across the United States are pushing to reopen offices so that workers can commute to their Zoom meetings; serving as a firm reminder that employee autonomy only goes so far. “Although conducting Zoom meetings from home was working fine, it’s super nice to see the familiar faces of my coworkers from 6-feet away, covered by a mask. The camaraderie is definitely worth raising your chances of getting the virus, and it’s a good reminder of who’s really in charge,” IT manager Martin Reddy stated. Photo by Anna Shvets
With most major music events having been cancelled worldwide, and new music videos being postponed, the music industry is now defending itself for letting more than 115,000 non-essential twerkers go this week. “Although the industry itself will likely never die, we do unfortunately need to make smart business decisions during this tough time,” a press release read. “As of right now we can no longer financially justify keeping our non-essential twerkers.” What do you think?
With more than 30 million people having filed for unemployment since mid-March, and countless more Americans having a hard time making ends meet, president Trump told reporters today that those in need of assistance should simply ask their dad for money. “Look folks. It’s not that hard. Okay? It really isn’t. You pick up the phone. You press a few numbers – beep boop beep. Call your dad and ask for some money,” Trump stated. “In my experience you can get four, maybe even five hundred million dollars. That amount should hold you over for the next few months.”
With toilet paper shortages across the country, the federal government has approved $320 million to be used to buy back toilet paper from countless Americans who purchased way too much during the onset of the pandemic. The move to set aside money to buy back toilet tissue will help the government to secure an estimated 380 million rolls for redistribution. Notably, the $320 million was initially requested through a bill entitled “Stimulus Helping Individuals That Hoarded Essentials Associated with Defecation” or the S.H.I.T.H.E.A.D. Act before being added to the upcoming stimulus package as an earmark.