Mike Pence argued today that opening schools amidst the coronavirus pandemic is acceptable because “COVID-19 will still kill less children than school shootings this year, and we don’t do anything to prevent those.” “If you’re scared about your child getting sick, let me reassure you,” Pence smiled, “there will be many, many more kids gunned down this school year than will be killed by any virus.” Pushing back, the CDC pointed out that many children will in fact die from COVID-19, that kids will undoubtedly spread the disease to high risk people who will also die, that school-wide outbreaks are inevitable, and that cancelling the school year would result in zero school shootings. “It is sad that we can’t open schools on time, but if we had followed social distancing and face mask rules over the past several months, maybe we could have,” a message from the CDC read. “It’s hard to believe that the unintelligent are literally killing the rest of us, but it serves as a grave reminder that we need to fix our widespread educational problems. Sadly, at this point, we look forward to a time when bodies are only piling up because of bullets.” Photo credit Gage Skidmore
Despite being unable to utilize most office space or conference rooms, tech companies across the United States are pushing to reopen offices so that workers can commute to their Zoom meetings; serving as a firm reminder that employee autonomy only goes so far. “Although conducting Zoom meetings from home was working fine, it’s super nice to see the familiar faces of my coworkers from 6-feet away, covered by a mask. The camaraderie is definitely worth raising your chances of getting the virus, and it’s a good reminder of who’s really in charge,” IT manager Martin Reddy stated. Photo by Anna Shvets
With most major music events having been cancelled worldwide, and new music videos being postponed, the music industry is now defending itself for letting more than 115,000 non-essential twerkers go this week. “Although the industry itself will likely never die, we do unfortunately need to make smart business decisions during this tough time,” a press release read. “As of right now we can no longer financially justify keeping our non-essential twerkers.” What do you think?
With more than 30 million people having filed for unemployment since mid-March, and countless more Americans having a hard time making ends meet, president Trump told reporters today that those in need of assistance should simply ask their dad for money. “Look folks. It’s not that hard. Okay? It really isn’t. You pick up the phone. You press a few numbers – beep boop beep. Call your dad and ask for some money,” Trump stated. “In my experience you can get four, maybe even five hundred million dollars. That amount should hold you over for the next few months.”
With toilet paper shortages across the country, the federal government has approved $320 million to be used to buy back toilet paper from countless Americans who purchased way too much during the onset of the pandemic. The move to set aside money to buy back toilet tissue will help the government to secure an estimated 380 million rolls for redistribution. Notably, the $320 million was initially requested through a bill entitled “Stimulus Helping Individuals That Hoarded Essentials Associated with Defecation” or the S.H.I.T.H.E.A.D. Act before being added to the upcoming stimulus package as an earmark.
Members of Congress revealed today that they had forgotten to sign their insufficient joke of a stimulus bill with a sincere ‘Fuck You’ in order to make the document as transparent as possible. “With a few simple votes we will add the closing words of ‘Fuck You’ to the end of the stimulus bill, ensuring that all American citizens know exactly where we stand and what our intentions are,” Senator Mitch McConnell stated. “So to be clear, we’re sending billions to corporations and a one-time payment of $1,200 to some Americans. Or in other words, because it can’t be emphasized enough: our constituents and fellow countrymen can go right ahead and fuck off. Money and the economy are our God.”
Secretary of Commerce and ventriloquist dummy come-to-life Wilbur Ross publicly announced today that he prays the spread of the coronavirus will bring “death economy jobs” to America. “With the titilating prospect of the coronavirus becoming a global pandemic, citizens will be seeing more work opportunities,” Ross stated. “We’re talking jobs like funeral home manager, gravedigger, coffin designer, face mask and hazmat suit sellers. Hopefully Americans will be able to keep up with the demand.” As of press time, president Trump stated that he wanted to “push the little green start button on a gigantic crematorium machine, like all of the other great leaders have.”