A study released today by the University of California Berkeley shows that men with small penises have been disproportionately impacted when it comes to soaring gas prices. The findings were directly linked to several other peer reviewed studies that show … Continue reading Pain At The Pump: Men With Small Penises Are Most Impacted By High Gas Prices
Disputed leader of Venezuela Nicolás Maduro revealed today that the entire Venezuelan economy was “currently riding on a handful of Gamestop shares” as the corrupt authoritarian admitted that he threw all of the country’s remaining money into the stock market. … Continue reading Entire Venezuelan Economy Riding On Handful Of GameStop Shares
In a rare Sunday vote, Congress managed to pass a stimulus bill that will send one hundred $6 checks to every American. “Although we couldn’t agree on a higher amount, we did come to the conclusion that one hundred checks … Continue reading Congress Passes Stimulus Approving 100, 6-Dollar Checks Per American
After months of back and forth over what to provide in a stimulus package for the American people, Congress has finally managed to pass a bill that will offer every family a pizza party and a free copy of Shrek … Continue reading Second Stimulus Package Just A Pizza Party & Free Copy Of Shrek 3
Mike Pence argued today that opening schools amidst the coronavirus pandemic is acceptable because “COVID-19 will still kill less children than school shootings this year, and we don’t do anything to prevent those.” “If you’re scared about your child getting … Continue reading Pence Reassures: ‘More Students Will Die From School Shootings Than COVID’
Despite being unable to utilize most office space or conference rooms, tech companies across the United States are pushing to reopen offices so that workers can commute to their Zoom meetings; serving as a firm reminder that employee autonomy only … Continue reading Tech Companies Scramble to Reopen Offices so Workers Can Commute to Zoom Meetings
With most major music events having been cancelled worldwide, and new music videos being postponed, the music industry is now defending itself for letting more than 115,000 non-essential twerkers go this week. “Although the industry itself will likely never die, … Continue reading Struggling Music Industry Defends Firing of Non-Essential Twerkers
With more than 30 million people having filed for unemployment since mid-March, and countless more Americans having a hard time making ends meet, president Trump told reporters today that those in need of assistance should simply ask their dad for … Continue reading Trump Says Americans Should ‘Just Ask Their Dad’ For Rent Money
With toilet paper shortages across the country, the federal government has approved $320 million to be used to buy back toilet paper from countless Americans who purchased way too much during the onset of the pandemic. The move to set … Continue reading Next COVID-19 Stimulus Package to Include $320 Million for a Federal Toilet Paper Buyback Program
Members of Congress revealed today that they had forgotten to sign their insufficient joke of a stimulus bill with a sincere ‘Fuck You’ in order to make the document as transparent as possible. “With a few simple votes we will … Continue reading Congress Revisits Stimulus Bill After Forgetting to Sign it With a Sincere ‘Fuck You’ To American Citizens
Secretary of Commerce and ventriloquist dummy come-to-life Wilbur Ross publicly announced today that he prays the spread of the coronavirus will bring “death economy jobs” to America. “With the titilating prospect of the coronavirus becoming a global pandemic, citizens will … Continue reading Coronavirus: ‘Death jobs’ are coming to America, Secretary of Commerce says
“Watch for the return of Toys “R” Trump, chains of Trumpback Steakhouse, Trumpley-Donaldson motorcycles and Old Trumpy Buffet.” – Sarah Huckabee Sanders Continue reading Trump Opens Marketing Company Called ‘Trump Consultation by Trump’
