Pain At The Pump: Men With Small Penises Are Most Impacted By High Gas Prices

A study released today by the University of California Berkeley shows that men with small penises have been disproportionately impacted when it comes to soaring gas prices. The findings were directly linked to several other peer reviewed studies that show … Continue reading Pain At The Pump: Men With Small Penises Are Most Impacted By High Gas Prices

Entire Venezuelan Economy Riding on GameStop Shares Stock Market

Entire Venezuelan Economy Riding On Handful Of GameStop Shares

Disputed leader of Venezuela Nicolás Maduro revealed today that the entire Venezuelan economy was “currently riding on a handful of Gamestop shares” as the corrupt authoritarian admitted that he threw all of the country’s remaining money into the stock market. … Continue reading Entire Venezuelan Economy Riding On Handful Of GameStop Shares

Pence Reassures: ‘More Students Will Die From School Shootings Than COVID’

Mike Pence argued today that opening schools amidst the coronavirus pandemic is acceptable because “COVID-19 will still kill less children than school shootings this year, and we don’t do anything to prevent those.” “If you’re scared about your child getting … Continue reading Pence Reassures: ‘More Students Will Die From School Shootings Than COVID’

Tech Companies Scramble to Reopen Offices so Workers Can Commute to Zoom Meetings

Despite being unable to utilize most office space or conference rooms, tech companies across the United States are pushing to reopen offices so that workers can commute to their Zoom meetings; serving as a firm reminder that employee autonomy only … Continue reading Tech Companies Scramble to Reopen Offices so Workers Can Commute to Zoom Meetings

Music Industry Defends Decision on Non-Essential Twerkers

Struggling Music Industry Defends Firing of Non-Essential Twerkers

With most major music events having been cancelled worldwide, and new music videos being postponed, the music industry is now defending itself for letting more than 115,000 non-essential twerkers go this week. “Although the industry itself will likely never die, … Continue reading Struggling Music Industry Defends Firing of Non-Essential Twerkers

Trump Says Americans Should ‘Just Ask Their Dad’ For Rent Money

With more than 30 million people having filed for unemployment since mid-March, and countless more Americans having a hard time making ends meet, president Trump told reporters today that those in need of assistance should simply ask their dad for … Continue reading Trump Says Americans Should ‘Just Ask Their Dad’ For Rent Money

Next COVID-19 Stimulus Package to Include $320 Million for a Federal Toilet Paper Buyback Program

With toilet paper shortages across the country, the federal government has approved $320 million to be used to buy back toilet paper from countless Americans who purchased way too much during the onset of the pandemic. The move to set … Continue reading Next COVID-19 Stimulus Package to Include $320 Million for a Federal Toilet Paper Buyback Program

Congress Revisits Stimulus Bill after forgetting to include sincere fuck you to citizens

Congress Revisits Stimulus Bill After Forgetting to Sign it With a Sincere ‘Fuck You’ To American Citizens

Members of Congress revealed today that they had forgotten to sign their insufficient joke of a stimulus bill with a sincere ‘Fuck You’ in order to make the document as transparent as possible. “With a few simple votes we will … Continue reading Congress Revisits Stimulus Bill After Forgetting to Sign it With a Sincere ‘Fuck You’ To American Citizens

Coronavirus: ‘Death jobs’ are coming to America, Secretary of Commerce says

Secretary of Commerce and ventriloquist dummy come-to-life Wilbur Ross publicly announced today that he prays the spread of the coronavirus will bring “death economy jobs” to America. “With the titilating prospect of the coronavirus becoming a global pandemic, citizens will … Continue reading Coronavirus: ‘Death jobs’ are coming to America, Secretary of Commerce says

Trump Opens Marketing Company Called ‘Trump Consultation by Trump’

“Watch for the return of Toys “R” Trump, chains of Trumpback Steakhouse, Trumpley-Donaldson motorcycles and Old Trumpy Buffet.” – Sarah Huckabee Sanders Continue reading Trump Opens Marketing Company Called ‘Trump Consultation by Trump’