According to a leaked memo, Fox News anchors are now only allowed to refer to COVID-19 deaths as “meetings with Jesus.” Many are calling the move a shamefully transparent attempt to influence public perception of the White House’s handling of the pandemic. “As a God-fearing Christian, it makes me jealous that so many people are getting to meet Jesus,” Fox News host Laura Ingraham smiled. “Because the world is such a chaotic place right now, who wouldn’t rather be meeting our Lord and Savior? Doesn’t that sound wonderful?” As of noon today, Fox News was reporting that 73% of coronavirus victims from the US – or about 100,740 people – were having a fantastic time in Heaven. The network also reminded non-believers that there was still time to convert and be saved from an eternity of burning in hell; a message that has already been a part of Fox’s daily programming since 1996.
Several states across the nation have started repainting statues of Jesus in public spaces in which the religious figure is depicted with white skin. The move comes after a large group of leftist historians pointed out that Jesus couldn’t have possibly been white and that depicting him as such is insensitive to the accomplishments of other races. “I never thought I’d say this, but I’m calling for all Jesus statues in our state to be given blackface,” California Governor Gavin Newsom stated. “Really any brownish tone is fine, so long our Lord and Savior doesn’t look white.” Meanwhile, many people who believed in white Jesus have begun doubting the Savior’s storyline, causing a crisis of faith among Americans. With some people like political pundit Laura Ingraham even suggesting that Jesus might have deserved to be crucified. “When you really examine the Bible it becomes clear that Jesus was just some ethnic guy wearing baggy robes, wandering the holy land with a gang of jobless men and stirring up trouble,” Ingraham stated. “We’ve got to start asking ourselves the tough questions – like did Jesus really cooperate with the authorities? And unfortunately I just have to call it like I see it folks. This Jesus guy was a thug.”
Hoping to set a good example for people across the planet, Jesus Christ announced today that He would not be leaving His cavernous tomb this year in order to celebrate Easter; citing the coronavirus as His main cause for concern. “I may have risen, but I’m staying home because most of my deeds involve multiplying and sharing things or touching people to cure physical ailments – all of which would only work to further spread this virus,” Jesus told reporters while waving his pierced appendages in the air. “I’m a handsy guy.” The Savior went on to explain His new plans for this Easter. “Today, I’m strongly considering putting an end to this coronavirus thing, because I can and could have this whole time,” Jesus told reporters while standing in the entrance of his tomb. “My Dad might have created the virus, but I’m omnipotent, omniscient, and omnipresent too.” As of press time, many prominent people had already begun to distance themselves from the religious figure, pointing to the fact that Jesus could have prevented the virus from existing in the first place. “It’s one thing to be an aloof deity, but it’s another to be complicit,” a retiring Pope Francis told a shocked audience via his Easter livestream. “I can’t in good conscience continue to worship such a heartless God.”
At his Easter press conference with reporters this morning, a mind blown president Trump shouted at reporters “I just learned that Jesus was brown or black! Did you know that? I just learned it today. What a time to be alive! Next thing you know they’re gonna tell me that the eggs don’t come from eggplants!” The president continued sharing his thoughts on the matter. “You know when I think of Jesus I just immediately imagine a white man, white glowing light, a white robe, long flowing hair and a chiseled body. You know, a hot white guy. Or something like Jason Momoa in a diaper on a cross, but less ethnic,” Trump explained. “But in reality, Jesus was a dark-skinned, short guy – maybe 5’2″ or 5’3″ – because they were short back then and he had to fit in with the non-aliens.” The president then abruptly changed the topic to the coronavirus, shutting down questions about Easter or Jesus. “We already have a Black History Month and a bunch of black Jesus holidays sprinkled throughout the year,” Trump said while refusing to take reporters’ questions about Jesus. “Do we really need to spend more time on these people when there’s an invisible enemy attacking the country?”
“Americans can expect to see Christmas decorations in stores for around 5 to 6 months out of the year.”
The world’s top U.S. whiskey gets an ‘offensive’ marketing overhaul.