Washington, D.C. — In a surprising turn of events on Capitol Hill, conservatives are pushing to pass gun control legislation with the newly proposed H.U.S.H. act. The bill, which would require all guns sold in the United States to be … Continue reading Conservatives Propose Mandatory Silencers To Limit Panic During Mass Shootings
Elon Musk lost millions of Twitter followers today after he enacted an application-wide ban on bot accounts which accidentally included a wiping-out of generic-looking bros with the same picture. The mistake came just hours after Musk tweeted “The bots are … Continue reading Elon Musk Loses 100 Million Followers After Ban On Twitter Bot Accounts Accidentally Includes Generic Bros With Same Picture
After a brief group phone call with closest relatives, the Zelinski family of Oakridge, Illinois decided today that Grandma’s new suspicion that her Christmas tree is slowly eating popcorn garland when nobody’s looking is not concerning enough to justify spending … Continue reading ‘My Christmas Tree Eats Popcorn Garland When Nobody’s Looking’ Still Not Concerning Enough To Put Grandma In $9,000 A Month Nursing Home
New York City Mayor Eric Adams told reporters today that the city will be allocating hundreds of millions of dollars to install retractable spikes on subway seats in order to get the homeless to leave the system and go out … Continue reading NYC To Spend Millions Installing Retractable Spikes On Subway Seats To ‘Poke The Homeless Away At Night’
Numbers released today by the American Yachting Association reveal that a record amount of ‘superyachts’ were sold last year in the United States. Economists and the super rich alike say this is a sign that the American poor and middle … Continue reading Jeff Bezos: Record Number Of ‘Superyachts’ Sold Last Year Shows America’s Poor & Middle Class Still Know Their Fucking Place
Widely regarded as one of the most passive-aggressive protests in history, Truckers against vaccine mandates in Ottowa, Canada have entered their ninth day of hurling insults and then immediately issuing heartfelt apologies. “I’m sorry, but we’re quite livid. This is … Continue reading Canadian Trucker Protest Enters 9th Day Of Hurling Insults Followed By Immediate, Heartfelt Apologies
Multiple reports from Washington D.C. and West Virginia residents are beginning to show a clear pattern of senator Joe Manchin holding up lines at gas stations while he plays $1 scratch tickets. What makes things take even longer is Manchin’s … Continue reading Joe Manchin Regularly Holds Up Lines At Gas Stations While Playing $1 Scratchers
Dr. Anthony Fauci is now selling merchandise on the CDC website that says “DeSantis = Death Sentence,” “Don’t DeathSantis My America” and “Don’t Florida My America” after Florida governor Ron DeSantis put “Don’t Fauci My Florida” products on his website. … Continue reading Clapback: Dr. Fauci Now Selling Merch That Says ‘DeSantis = Death Sentence’
Afraid to speak up, shopper Meaghan Swallsworth just decided to pick up a nearby item and pretend to inspect it while actually waiting for some guy at the grocery store to get the fuck out of her way. Trying her … Continue reading Woman Pretends To Inspect Nearby Item While Fellow Shopper Stands In The Way Of Thing She Actually Wants
A new Gallup Poll revealed today that nearly 100 percent of the general public isn’t concerned over why the extremely wealthy are trying so desperately to make it to outer space, and quickly. When reached for comment, Elon Musk said … Continue reading General Public Somehow Unconcerned As To Why The Wealthy Are Desperately Trying To Go To Outer Space
(Topeka, KS) Now eight months past the American Dental Association’s recommended three month replacement period, 34-year-old James Simmons’ filthy, discolored toothbrush just gained consciousness and immediately began screaming internally to be put out of its misery. “Kill me now! I’m … Continue reading Now Sentient, Toothbrush Screaming Internally to Be Thrown Out Already
CDC Director Robert Redfield told a Senate panel today that he believes a COVID-19 vaccine should be available soon and that “US citizens can expect to return to their normal, shitty lives by the end of 2021.” “We know the … Continue reading CDC: Expect a Return to Your Normal, Shitty Life By the End of 2021
Looking to completely redo his image, Donald Trump has grown a unique mustache in which the hair is only in the middle portion of his upper lip, and approximately the width of his nose. In addition to this, he’s had … Continue reading Trump Sports New Hairstyle, Grows Trendsetting Mustache For RNC
With misinformation running rampant across the US, a new ‘COVID-19 For Dummies’ book series created to spread truth has taken over the New York Times Best-Sellers list just two days after they hit the shelves. Notably, the books are said … Continue reading New ‘For Dummies’ COVID Book Series Takes Over NY Times Best-Sellers List
