The idiots have won again. Webster’s Dictionary has added the cringeworthy word ‘irregardless’ to their big book of real words, signaling the complete collapse of the American education system. “Words are officially added to the dictionary when they are used frequently enough over a long period of time and with a clear meaning. Irregardless is an example of just that,” a statement from Merriam-Webster read. “It really doesn’t matter if the people saying the word are complete fucking morons. So get used to it, because you’re surrounded by imbeciles.” Irregardless of your opinions (see how fucking stupid it sounds?), 535 new words were added to the dictionary this year including a new definition for ‘thirsty,’ which signifies a strong desire for something, and ‘Magats,’ which is a hybrid of MAGA and maggot used to describe Trump supporters. Advertisements
Chase Rice concert-goers were given the rare chance to be literal diehard fans over the weekend as the popular country singer decided to play a crowded show in the midst of the coronavirus pandemic. Seconds into the start of the his set, nearly everyone in attendance began reporting that blood was pouring out of their ears. “We want to reassure first time fans that this happens every time Chase takes the stage,” an official statement released by the band reads. “It’s perfectly normal for his unoriginal, corporate-pandering, clowntown honkey bullshit to reach the human brain and immediately cause extreme hemorrhaging due to cognitive dissonance. The blood streaming out of your ears is just a sign that your body is both accepting and enjoying the experience.” As of Monday morning, a new message had been added to the musician’s website which encouraged fans to bring their own tampons to use as ear plugs at future shows until the star can finalize a deal with major tampon company Kotex who has reportedly already created custom signage with the slogan “Chris Rice is Kotex Country”.
Disney announced that yet another one of their rides will be getting a politically correct upgrade this month after the company decided that their ‘The Little Mermaid: Ariel’s Undersea Adventure’ ride was both sexist and racist. The new ride, which will be called ‘The Little Mer-Person: Ariel’s Woke Adventure’ is scheduled to reopen in late September in California and Florida. Notably, several new songs will be piped through brand new Dolby Digital Surround Sound speakers, including Childish Gambino’s “This is America,” which will replace “Under the Sea” and be sung by the character Sebastian who is voiced by Donald Glover himself. Another character receiving an upgrade is the infamous villain Ursula, who will now be voiced by music legend Queen Latifa who will be featured singing her hit song “U.N.I.T.Y.” in place of “Poor Unfortunate Souls”. Disney says the final scene culminates when Sebastian (Glover) sings the familiar song “Kiss the Girl” with updated pronouns while PrinceX – who is a black, transgendered, lesbian – kisses a non-binary Ariel on the lips after first clearly asking for and receiving consent.
Dawn Peterson of Grand Rapids, Michigan had to explain to her kids this morning why their dad was only getting a tie for Father’s Day for the 7th year in a row. “Daddy can have a nice gift when he starts acting like a parent too,” Peterson told her children. “As soon as your father starts coming to parent-teacher conferences, baseball games, and recitals, then he can have new fishing gear. But until then, he gets another tie because drinking a case of beer and cutting the grass isn’t parenting.” Meanwhile, husband James Peterson says he feels depressed and under appreciated. “If they get me another tie I’m fucking done,” James Peterson confirmed. As of press time, Dawn and James were openly considering getting a divorce. Signaling the first time they’ve agreed on something important in well over a year.
It’s here! McDonald’s has announced their all-new McKaren sandwich. The fast food chain says the new food option is guaranteed to be ready in 30 seconds or less, in store, or it’s free. “As a tribute to all Karens, the McKaren is comprised of an all-white bun with nothing of substance inside; making it easy to ensure that your meal hasn’t been poisoned,” McDonald’s CEO Christopher Kempczinski stated. Currently, as part of a promotion, Karens can get a free McKaren if they complete a mobile order and then wait in line at the drive-thru for some fucking reason. They will then be handed a receipt and be told to park in a mobile pickup spot. Notably, if the sandwich takes longer than 30 seconds to be delivered to the vehicle, a robot with a manager’s name tag will go up to Karen’s car and just stand there while being shouted at. McDonald’s says the robot is also capable of apologizing while spitting out free meal coupons for up to eight hours.
(Green Bay, WI) Local man Justin Loughty says he’s tired of being called a racist just because he hates minorities. Loughty says he’s being unfairly discriminated against his whole life and that he plans to start a group that will welcome everyone in the area – no matter who they are – so long as they look and think just like him. “I also want an inclusive, protected area or space; something for guys like me,” Loughty stated. “Something for guys who find friends by using a variation of the n-word – such as ‘ninja’ – when around unfamiliar company. You know, people who throw the white power hand sign as a ‘joke’. Simple things like that.” Loughty says the final straw for him was when his daughter brought her black boyfriend from college home. “He had the nerve to call me racist! I know in my heart that I don’t feel racist, but my daughter will not be dating a black guy!” Loughty shouted. “I didn’t even know we had those around here and we aren’t giving grandma a stroke.” As of press time, Loughty had decided not to start his own group as he found that at least four similar organizations already existed in Wisconsin.
A Gallop poll on happiness was released today that shows more than 70% of millennials are “totally okay with dying, like literally right now.” Here are the top 10 reasons that were given by participants: 10) Can’t afford health insurance anyway. 9) A forever nap actually sounds rather nice right about now. 8) Mercury is in retrograde. 7) Racism. Like, A LOT of it. 6) Had to go deep into student loan debt just to get a job that pays $18/hr. 5) My Chemical Romance. 4) Had to move back in with parents. 3) Bored. Looking for something new to do. 2) Serotonin has been depleted from impulsive hair coloring. 1) We’re trapped in a cold, unforgiving world full of hate, ignorance and violence, and left here to slowly wither away, suffering, and eventually dying alone.