NYC To Spend Millions Installing Retractable Spikes On Subway Seats To ‘Poke The Homeless Away At Night’

New York City Mayor Eric Adams told reporters today that the city will be allocating hundreds of millions of dollars to install retractable spikes on subway seats in order to get the homeless to leave the system and go out … Continue reading NYC To Spend Millions Installing Retractable Spikes On Subway Seats To ‘Poke The Homeless Away At Night’

Jeff Bezos: Record Number Of ‘Superyachts’ Sold Last Year Shows America’s Poor & Middle Class Still Know Their Fucking Place

Numbers released today by the American Yachting Association reveal that a record amount of ‘superyachts’ were sold last year in the United States. Economists and the super rich alike say this is a sign that the American poor and middle … Continue reading Jeff Bezos: Record Number Of ‘Superyachts’ Sold Last Year Shows America’s Poor & Middle Class Still Know Their Fucking Place

Canadian Trucker Protest Enters 9th Day Of Hurling Insults Followed By Immediate, Heartfelt Apologies

Widely regarded as one of the most passive-aggressive protests in history, Truckers against vaccine mandates in Ottowa, Canada have entered their ninth day of hurling insults and then immediately issuing heartfelt apologies. “I’m sorry, but we’re quite livid. This is … Continue reading Canadian Trucker Protest Enters 9th Day Of Hurling Insults Followed By Immediate, Heartfelt Apologies

Joe Manchin Regularly Holds Up Lines At Gas Stations While Playing $1 Scratchers

Multiple reports from Washington D.C. and West Virginia residents are beginning to show a clear pattern of senator Joe Manchin holding up lines at gas stations while he plays $1 scratch tickets. What makes things take even longer is Manchin’s … Continue reading Joe Manchin Regularly Holds Up Lines At Gas Stations While Playing $1 Scratchers

Clapback: Dr. Fauci Now Selling Merch That Says ‘DeSantis = Death Sentence’

Dr. Anthony Fauci is now selling merchandise on the CDC website that says “DeSantis = Death Sentence,” “Don’t DeathSantis My America” and “Don’t Florida My America” after Florida governor Ron DeSantis put “Don’t Fauci My Florida” products on his website. … Continue reading Clapback: Dr. Fauci Now Selling Merch That Says ‘DeSantis = Death Sentence’

Woman Pretends To Inspect Nearby Item While Fellow Shopper Stands In The Way Of Thing She Actually Wants

Afraid to speak up, shopper Meaghan Swallsworth just decided to pick up a nearby item and pretend to inspect it while actually waiting for some guy at the grocery store to get the fuck out of her way. Trying her … Continue reading Woman Pretends To Inspect Nearby Item While Fellow Shopper Stands In The Way Of Thing She Actually Wants

General Population Somehow Not Concerned Why Wealthy Are Desperately Trying To Make It To Outer Space

General Public Somehow Unconcerned As To Why The Wealthy Are Desperately Trying To Go To Outer Space

A new Gallup Poll revealed today that nearly 100 percent of the general public isn’t concerned over why the extremely wealthy are trying so desperately to make it to outer space, and quickly. When reached for comment, Elon Musk said … Continue reading General Public Somehow Unconcerned As To Why The Wealthy Are Desperately Trying To Go To Outer Space

sentient toothbrush wants you to throw it out already

Now Sentient, Toothbrush Screaming Internally to Be Thrown Out Already

(Topeka, KS) Now eight months past the American Dental Association’s recommended three month replacement period, 34-year-old James Simmons’ filthy, discolored toothbrush just gained consciousness and immediately began screaming internally to be put out of its misery. “Kill me now! I’m … Continue reading Now Sentient, Toothbrush Screaming Internally to Be Thrown Out Already

CDC: Expect a Return to Your Normal, Shitty Life By the End of 2021

CDC Director Robert Redfield told a Senate panel today that he believes a COVID-19 vaccine should be available soon and that “US citizens can expect to return to their normal, shitty lives by the end of 2021.” “We know the … Continue reading CDC: Expect a Return to Your Normal, Shitty Life By the End of 2021

Donald Trump Haircut Mustache for RNC

Trump Sports New Hairstyle, Grows Trendsetting Mustache For RNC

Looking to completely redo his image, Donald Trump has grown a unique mustache in which the hair is only in the middle portion of his upper lip, and approximately the width of his nose. In addition to this, he’s had … Continue reading Trump Sports New Hairstyle, Grows Trendsetting Mustache For RNC

Covid-19 for dummies NY Times best seller

New ‘For Dummies’ COVID Book Series Takes Over NY Times Best-Sellers List

With misinformation running rampant across the US, a new ‘COVID-19 For Dummies’ book series created to spread truth has taken over the New York Times Best-Sellers list just two days after they hit the shelves. Notably, the books are said … Continue reading New ‘For Dummies’ COVID Book Series Takes Over NY Times Best-Sellers List

Woman Eating 4th Helping of Glue No Longer Just Trying to Satisfy a Curiosity

Henderson, NV – Local woman Jasmine Parker acquired a taste for glue today after exploring a longtime curiosity. Parker says she’d been wondering what glue tastes like ever since she saw other kids eating the gooey substance back when she … Continue reading Woman Eating 4th Helping of Glue No Longer Just Trying to Satisfy a Curiosity

Mark Cuban Buys Rights to National Anthem, Says He Won’t Let Anyone Play It

The US government sold the rights to the National Anthem to billionaire entrepreneur Mark Cuban for $275 million who immediately turned around and said that he will not be allowing anyone to play the song before sporting events. The move … Continue reading Mark Cuban Buys Rights to National Anthem, Says He Won’t Let Anyone Play It

Study: 1 in 3 Americans Too Stupid to Help Fight Pandemic

A recent study published by Princeton reveals that approximately 31% of Americans are not smart enough to understand how a virus spreads, why they should be wearing masks, or how their reckless behavior is forcing states to re-close businesses. “Not … Continue reading Study: 1 in 3 Americans Too Stupid to Help Fight Pandemic

Conservative Waiting Until Bad Thing Impacts Him Before Caring About Issue

Conservative Christian Michael Dobbins of San Diego, California says he made the conscious decision years ago not to care about any political issues that don’t impact him or his closest family members until he absolutely has to. Dobbins says that … Continue reading Conservative Waiting Until Bad Thing Impacts Him Before Caring About Issue