“I’ll be watching the donation basket like a hawk as it goes around. You toss a $20 in there and you better believe I’m throwing a few extra sassy swings in your direction during the pot parade.”
“You won’t hear about this, but I burned down the Notre Dame Cathedral,” Beck confirmed live on Fox & Friends. “This was France’s 9/11 and if I weren’t there to see it firsthand, you’d never know it was me: Glenn Beck, a casual, disposable, everyday Islamic terrorist.”
“Watch for the return of Toys “R” Trump, chains of Trumpback Steakhouse, Trumpley-Donaldson motorcycles and Old Trumpy Buffet.” – Sarah Huckabee Sanders
“The only sexual contact permitted in China for the foreseeable future will be homosexual in nature,” President Jinping stated while intertwining his fingers with NBA star Yao Ming.
Back in 1987, the distinctively dressed Waldo set out to have a quick, private wank. Now, 33 years later, what was supposed to be a five minute meat beating bonanza, has turned into a world-wide journey in search of a place to rub one out.
“I can tell you how the world ends right now. We fart ourselves to death.” – Stanford Professor Böse Blahung
Mr. Cox has locked Eric Trump in the White House’s cold storage room next to the bowling alley in an attempt to show that air pollution does not harm humans.
“Unless Redbox starts squeezing out moist, two-year-old prosciutto with every DVD, I have no idea how they’re going to compete with this.”
Biden was leering at the frail, 85 year old Senator Dianne Feinstein when he uttered the phrase.
Pope Francis’ adult book is entitled ‘The Divinci Load.’
“Most of the leathery, ball-related action on the field actually takes place in the players’ jockstraps,” Commissioner Rob Manfred stated.
“We’re not saying that blind people should encircle DeVos and beat her with their white canes,” the statement read. “But we’re not, not saying it either.”
“Anyone who purchases a drink can get a free tattoo from our baristas this weekend.”
“I’m going to open his door and push him into oncoming traffic tomorrow. [Expletive] this guy.”
“We know it is hard for Mr. McConnell to have to abort the bill right here on the Senate floor, but Democrats are truly supportive of the decision.”
“We’re just going to burn the alcohol-laced vomit off like every year, that’s where the city gets its signature smell.” – Chicago Gov. J.B. Pritzker
“Sqoobz aren’t comfortable to wear by any means. Your tits will be flopping around in there.” – Victoria’s Secret CEO Jan Singer
“I pulled all of my investments in Elon’s companies halfway into the movie because I was certain he had been [expletive] to death.”
Campbell’s reports selling over 1.2 tons of Prego Afterbirth-Style pasta sauce in the first week.
“The $85 billion we save a year will go toward green energy, education, infrastructure and ending homelessness in America.”
Being unable to spell is no longer considered a ‘dealbreaker’ among most Americans.
“In retrospect, I picked the wrong book to read to them.” Louisiana Governor John Edwards stated. “I chose Seuss’ first published work The Pocket Book of Boners and by the time I finished reading the title all hell had broken loose.”
Trump said that the new complex would be “an experiment representing a new approach for overhauling the prison system and has nothing to do with Michael Cohen’s testimony.”
“This lengthy, intricate study was conducted by the folks at the Harvard Center for Brain Science and incorporated proven Penis Responsiveness Technology (PRT) and Brainwave Function Reading (BFR) from leading scientists from the Biomimetic Robotics Lab at MIT.”
The Senator began the livestream by saying “Hold on a sec, I’m going to go grab my bong,” before exiting the shot and flipping on ‘Kaya’ by Bob Marley.
“The goal here is to analyze the memory-erasing technology used in the film and then build, disperse and use the devices in every congregation around the world,” Pope Francis stated.
“This bendable phone comes with all of the same features as the Galaxy Fold, but the device can only be folded in half one time,” Samsung CEO Kim Suk stated.
“The left prides itself on inclusivity, but here I am having to scream ‘DID YOU JUST ASSUME MY GENDER!?'”
“I’d be fine if Americans just recited half of the Pledge of Allegiance and then carried on with school or whatever.” – Trump
“Oakley’s actions have thrown open the closet doors for individuals who are aroused by licking things to claim them as their own,”