“There’s no better way to seem interesting than with a story about the time you were held at gunpoint by the East Harlem crew for wearing the wrong color romper.”
In response, Sam’s Club announced they will be selling “everything necessary to create an elaborate sex dungeon” by July.
“It’s hard to keep the kids clean and the depression buried deep, deep down inside. Purell lets you do both.”
“People who have to smell their food before eating it are complete monsters.”
“You can rest assured that somewhere, in an existing but undetectable universe, another version of you is out there having a meaningful, fulfilling life.”
The option will let baby boomers and the remainder of the silent generation enjoy the company of others.
Japan will resume the commercial killing of overweight citizens in an effort to curb the population of the island and supplement dwindling soybean supplies.
“The people alive today are the last generation of humans that’ll live on this planet as we know it. Having said that, I’d like to invite everyone to go ahead and eat a dick.”
“They don’t even make laws for us! The gays can be fired in 26 states for being homosexual and we get nothing. It’s disgraceful!”
“Without the cheese it just flows right through you.” – CEO Brian Niccols
“Genetically-speaking the lineage has certain characteristics that really stand out; such as having categorically unpleasant hair and personalities.” – 23andMe CEO Anne Wojcicki
“With the amount of mass shootings we’re having, it’s not unreasonable to expect savings of around $4,500 a year.”
“Apple fans will buy it because they are, without a doubt, the biggest consumer whores on the planet,” CEO Tim Cook stated.
“Shaving your head for political reasons is the result of having idiots for parents. There’s a difference and it matters.”
“If you can toss a plastic soda ring right around a turtle’s neck or ram a straw up their nose you win $100 in Uber ride credits.”
“Patriotism, the military, and war are all inherently republican. We own them,” Sanders stated.
The group stands out by wearing white clothing, often with pointed hoods to keep their bald heads warm.
“It’s an odd hellscape where you can hear people scream as their bones crunch under your boots.”
“At least 87% of lotion used by men is vigorously rubbed on less than 1% of their bodies.”
“If fans are demanding a complete reshoot of the final season, then I’ve avoided 71 episodes of anticlimactic bullshit.”
“Because of the extreme food poisoning, Kim has also experienced dramatic silicone loss in the [expletive], lip and breast regions.”
“I’m not sure why we’d give the swastika to one side over the other,” Trump stated. “If we’re trying to accept everyone, we need to start by including minority groups like the Klan in these discussions.”
According to their website, Mufflr is being funded by powerful lesbians Ellen Degeneres and Hillary Clinton.
“Who cares if you can’t wash the smell off, you’ve saved an orangutan!”
“The abrupt endings of these conversations will lead to awkward silences, but the thrill of a total power trip makes it all worth it.”
“We know it is hard for Mr. McConnell to have to abort the bill right here on the Senate floor, but Democrats are truly supportive of the decision.”
Authorities have confirmed that Y’all-Qaeda leadership has ties to a Mississippi terror cell referred to as Talabangelicals who are also complete [expletive].
The ban is estimated to block 82.6 million US citizens from service and dishonorably discharge another 1.7 million Americans from the military.
“When I think of something, you better believe I’m going to go right up to him, get right on Peter and really ride him. Just unload on him with everything I’ve got – and I’ve got a lot. Just ask Melania. I’ve been trying to finish for quite a while, and when I do it’s going to feel great folks. Just great.”