The American Association of Retired People (AARP) released a new poll today revealing that, when forced to choose, 87% of Americans over 50 would prefer to have sex with Joe Biden over Donald Trump. Reasons cited by the more than 1,400 participants varied from the candidates’ weight and the chance of catching diseases to apparent hygiene, perceived stamina, and anticipated odors. Upon hearing about the poll, an angry president Trump tweeted out: Trump’s tweet has raised eyebrows as his current wife Melania turned 50 back in April and her marriage contract doesn’t expire for nearly five more years.
An adorable hamster that has housed the real brain of Ben Carson since a failed 2015 experiment came forward today to voice support for Joe Biden and Black Lives Matter. The hamster, which according to all leading scientists is Ben Carson, showed its support for Biden and the cause by slapping two small bumper stickers and a paw-made ‘Black Lives Matter’ sign on a pair of the doctor’s old glasses and posing for photographs. Notably, legal experts say that the hamster brain currently operating Ben Carson’s human body has been allowed to roam freely – saying and doing whatever it wants – because there aren’t any laws on the books that deal with such a circumstance. “Although Dr. Carson doesn’t have any legal recourse against the actions of the hamster controlling his real body’s every thought and action, we’re doing everything we can to preserve his First Amendment right to free speech by providing him with this photo shoot today,” a representative from Carson’s office stated.
Joe Biden issued a stunning correction today after claiming that “10 to 15% of Americans are not very good people.” Rather than try to smooth things over, Biden doubled down. “I am deeply sorry if I have offended anyone with my estimate. I realize I was wrong and that Mr. Trump’s approval rating is, somehow, much higher,” Biden stated. “So with that being said, I would like to correct the record now by stating that at least 40% of Americans are rinky dinky chicken shits. That’s right you cowards, I said it! They’re a bunch of white-livered, gollumpus, grumbletonian bootlickers following a bedswerving, muck-spout of a klazomaniac!” Biden then went on to tell reporters a story about his old buddy Dan and ‘the time Dan ate the clouds like cotton candy’ (read more). Photo Credit Phil Roeder
After a morning interview in which former Vice President Joe Biden told black Americans “you ain’t black” if you are voting for Trump, president Trump fired back with two tweets, drawing a sharp contrast between the two candidates.
While trying to learn the proper etiquette for interacting with women, former vice president Joe Biden started an altercation with a mannequin that his staff was using to train him. Aides say that after trying countless times to put an end to the one-sided exchange they decided to just let the 77-year-old Biden tire himself out. “At first Joe got confused because the mannequin wasn’t physically reacting to him. He isn’t used to being able to sniff and touch people like that without getting some sort of reaction. So that really threw him off,” an aide stated. “Then, when the mannequin wouldn’t speak to him, Joe completely lost it.” Indeed, the former vice president was whipped into a shouting frenzy after receiving the apparent cold shoulder; resulting in an off-colored rant that lasted for nearly three hours. “This chicken-headed, white-livered, unlicked cub wouldn’t know her ass from a hole in the ground!” Biden shouted at one point while inches from the mannequin’s face. “I bet you have a handshake like a wilted petunia! You’re all hat and no cattle! No! I mean it! I really do!” About an hour after the altercation, the Biden campaign released a statement. “If anything is clear it’s that Joe Biden has the stamina necessary to lead this nation. Anyone who can spend this much time and energy standing up for himself and what he believes in is clearly motivated to represent the American people,” the statement read. “Joe may very well be a geriatric whose hands, mind, and words wander, but his heart is in the right place.”
Presidential candidate Joe Biden stated today at an Alabama rally that all of his easily-offended supporters need to stop saying that all Bernie Sanders supporters are internet trolls and bullies. “Bernie Sanders’ loudest and most controversial supporters represent less than 5% of his following,” Biden stated. “We can’t be whiny mooncalves who can’t handle a tiny group of rapscallions. Y’all need to buck-up and move on. There’s a block button for a reason.” Meanwhile, an overwhelming majority of Sanders supporters – who all condemned the so-called “Bernie Bros” – had already returned their focus to trivial issues such as climate change and universal healthcare.
Several presidential candidates have been funneling donations into private health savings accounts in order to pay for their personal healthcare and medical bills as they inch closer and closer to death each day. Donald Trump, age 73, lead in fundraising last quarter. The president raked in $46 million; some of which will be used to keep excess skin pulled back from his face and stapled to the back of his scalp. The White House says Trump is also setting money aside to pay for an imminent quadruple bypass. Here’s how much money other elderly candidates raised last quarter to put toward personal medical care in case Trump wins again and the US healthcare system remains an unaffordable dumpster fire. Senator Bernie Sanders, 78: $34.5 millionStaffers say Sanders plans to replace his heart, which doctors and political experts agree is way too large. Former Vice President Joe Biden, 77: $22.7 millionJoe Biden will be using much of his money to fight his near-constant battle with lice which could easily be solved if he’d stop sniffing women’s hair. Sadly, the campaign is also looking into treatment for early onset Alzheimer’s as complete thoughts and sentences have become difficult for Biden to verbalize. Senator Elizabeth Warren, 70: $17 million. Being female, Warren is expected to have less medical issues, but she’s developed a drinking problem on the campaign trail in a misguided and racist effort to “become more Native American”. Warren will be needing a liver transplant before the end of 2020. Former New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg, 77: Refuses donations, uses his own money. Bloomberg – a billionaire – has had so many body parts replaced that he’s 87% robot and could be one of the first humans to live forever.