Elderly presidential candidates use millions in donations to pay for their personal medical bills

YouReadyGrandma

Several presidential candidates have been funneling donations into private health savings accounts in order to pay for their personal healthcare and medical bills as they inch closer and closer to death each day. Donald Trump, age 73, lead in fundraising last quarter. The president raked in $46 million; some of which will be used to keep excess skin pulled back from his face and stapled to the back of his scalp. The White House says Trump is also setting money aside to pay for an imminent quadruple bypass. Here’s how much money other elderly candidates raised last quarter to put toward personal medical care in case Trump wins again and the US healthcare system remains an unaffordable dumpster fire. Senator Bernie Sanders, 78: $34.5 millionStaffers say Sanders plans to replace his heart, which doctors and political experts agree is way too large. Former Vice President Joe Biden, 77: $22.7 millionJoe Biden will be using much of his money to fight his near-constant battle with lice which could easily be solved if he’d stop sniffing women’s hair. Sadly, the campaign is also looking into treatment for early onset Alzheimer’s as complete thoughts and sentences have become difficult for Biden to verbalize. Senator Elizabeth Warren, 70: $17 million. Being female, Warren is expected to have less medical issues, but she’s developed a drinking problem on the campaign trail in a misguided and racist effort to “become more Native American”. Warren will be needing a liver transplant before the end of 2020. Former New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg, 77: Refuses donations, uses his own money. Bloomberg – a billionaire – has had so many body parts replaced that he’s 87% robot and could be one of the first humans to live forever. Advertisements

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Joe Biden tells stunned rally-goers a story about eating a baby

YouReadyGrandma

In yet another major misstep, presidential candidate Joe Biden announced at a rally today that he “loves the smell of newborn babies,” adding that “the aroma is even better when they’re cooked.” “I was in the Cayman Islands and my old buddy Corn Pop brought over this free range, breast-fed rotisserie baby meat to my cabana,” Biden grinned. “And let me tell you, baby is softer and juicier than chicken, and the smell is better than hair. Gotta love babies!”

Joe Biden: “When I’m elected everyone will get a free gramophone!”

YouReadyGrandma

Joe Biden announced his plan at the Democratic Debate last night to enhance learning opportunities for underprivileged children. The former vice president says, if elected, he’ll be providing everyone with a free gramophone and educational vinyl records that explain why modern day racial inequality “isn’t all that bad.” Photo credit Jalal gerald Aro

Officials warn liberals that a 2nd active Koch Brother is still at large

YouReadyGrandma

Those on the left are being told to stay indoors after public officials warned of a second active Koch brother. “Although one threat has been neutralized, there’s still another bad man reeking havoc on the country,” Joe Biden stated. The second brother has been identified as Charles G. Koch and is considered by authorities to be armed and cantankerous. “We could pass laws to protect ourselves from people like the Koch brothers, but that would require effort. So we’ll just wait for that old bastard to die,” a 76 year old Joe Biden stated. Artwork by DonkeyHotey

Sympathetic Biden and Trump express condolences after “shootings in Narnia, Middle-earth”

YouReadyGrandma

“In Narnia alone we lost centaurs, fauns – and some of them, I’m sure, were unicorns.”

Staff Forces Joe Biden to Get Hair Plugs So He’ll Stop Smelling Women’s Hair

YouReadyGrandma

Biden’s hair came from his soundproof hobby room where he keeps his personal collection of real hair, mannequins and doll parts.

Joe Biden: “Trump’s Wig Has an Overwhelming Odor Of Cocaine and Hairspray”

YouReadyGrandma

“I picked up the sweet, floral tones of South Colombian cocaine and the chemical aura of John Frieda’s Luxurious Volume Forever Full Hairspray for Fine Wigs.” – Joe Biden

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