US Catholic bishops approved the creation of a new official document today that would ban politicians who support abortion rights from receiving Communion. President Joe Biden, who would be barred from the sacrament, gave a brief statement on the issue today. “Look. I love God, Jesus and the Church. But they’re not going to phase me by taking my magical cracker privileges away. No I mean it!” a wide-eyed Biden shouted. “It’s no skin off my back. I’ll just bring some Wheat Thins. Hell they taste better anyway, and there’s all of those great flavors!” Biden then went on to list the varieties of Wheat Thins that he likes. “Of course I could bring the good old Original flavor or maybe the healthier Reduced Fat. Then there’s the extra big ones for when you’re really hungry or the delicious Sundried Tomato & Basil if you’re looking for a punch in the mouth,” Biden grinned. “Sometimes I just might bring that savory Ranch and maybe even the subtle Hint of Salt. Finally, there’s the hearty Multigrain for when I’m watching my weight, and the zesty Cracked Pepper & Olive Oil for when this cracker really wants to mix it up. And you know what? Unlike the Church I’m willing to share with everyone around me. I’ll even place them right on your tongue. That’s just the kind of guy I am!” Orig. Wheat Thins photo credit Mike Mozart
Fox News host Tucker Carlson spent an entire hour last night attacking the Biden family for allegedly declawing the new White House cat. The decision to focus on the topic came despite the fact that nobody at Fox had confirmed if the animal had undergone the barbaric procedure. “If anything, cat paws are just a smaller version of bear arms, and we all know that we have the right to bear arms,” Tucker Carlson shouted at the camera while putting on cat ears. “Shall not be infringed means shall not be infringed! You can take our claws from our cold dead paws! Meow! Meow! Meeeooowwww!” Carlson yelled while leaping up on top of his desk. Carlson then went on to debate whether or not a cat’s paws constitute an automatic or semi-automatic weapon and just what kind of ammunition the claws themselves would equate to. The unhinged anchor – who by this point had painted cat whiskers on his face while referring to the Second Amendment as the “Second A-MEOW-ndment” – decided that a cat’s paws and claws are “automatic and hollow-point” after describing how felines utilize the appendage and how the claws themselves are physically structured. As of press time, Tucker Carlson Tonight was still the number one most-watched cable news show, despite Fox News admitting that Carlson is not ‘stating actual facts’ about the topics he discusses and is instead engaging in ‘exaggeration’ and ‘non-literal commentary.’ Original Photo credit Gage Skidmore
The Biden White House is now under brutal scrutiny after Republicans have suddenly demanded that immigrants be treated more humanely until they can be “shipped back to whatever shithole country they came from.” The calls for humanitarian change comes despite the fact that former president Donald Trump only worsened the ongoing border situation. “The Statue of Liberty says ‘give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free. The wretched refuse of your teeming shore.’” Senator Cruz stated. “And that’s what we’re asking for – we’re asking for that until we get enough funding to send them back to their poverty-stricken, politically-unstable, violent, shithole countries.”
President Joe Biden signed an executive order today freeing up funding to build a massive moving walkway that will carry immigrants across the Mexico-United States border and into McAllen, Texas. Construction on the 112.7 mile long, $4.8 billion walkway will begin next month. “Often times caravans of people have walked hundreds or even thousands of miles just to enter the United States,” Biden stated. “By building this oversized people-mover, we’ll be helping immigrants to take those last few steps to freedom. In fact, now they’re going to just glide right in!” Notably, to save on construction costs, a large portion of the moving walkway will be made out of materials from the border wall, which Biden has slated to be completely dismantled by the end of the year. “It’s time we started building bridges instead of barriers and walkways instead of walls,” Biden stated. “And that’s why every single person who enters the country on this oversized conveyor belt will be granted full citizenship.” According to engineers working on the project, once completed the new moving walkway will be capable of carrying more than 1,800 immigrants per hour directly into McAllen, Texas.
Sources are reporting that hundreds of fact checkers at news organizations around the world were abruptly let go from their jobs after White House Press Secretary Jen Psaki completed an entire briefing without lying once to the press. “With the previous administration, fact checkers typically spent hours analyzing questionable or outright ridiculous statements from just a single, 15-minute briefing,” MSNBC’s Rachel Maddow stated. “But today Press Secretary Psaki took to the podium for half an hour and didn’t even try to tell a single lie.” Meanwhile, Fox News personality Sean Hannity called the press conference “suspicious.” “It makes you wonder: what is the Biden administration’s endgame here?” a bewildered Hannity asked. “What exactly are they up to?”
When asked today how he felt about the Trumps not following tradition and inviting his family to the White House, Joe Biden told reporters that he wasn’t bothered by it at all. “It’s no skin off my nose! We all know the man’s a chicken-hearted, white-livered chucklehead,” Biden laughed. “He’s all hat and no cattle. And he can try to avoid me all he wants, but I promise that I’ll be visiting Trump when he goes to prison. Because I’m a considerate guy like that.” When reached for comment, the White House released a statement saying that they didn’t know which crimes Joe Biden was accusing the president of committing. “If Joe Biden thinks Donald Trump committed a crime, then he’s going to have to be a lot more specific so we can address his particular claims because right now there are literally dozens of open court cases and lawsuits against the President.”