The next presidential debate has been officially rebranded as ‘The 2020 Presidential Debate With Jerry Springer,’ as the former TV show host and pseudo-celebrity is set to moderate. The Commission on Presidential Debates confirmed that the October 15th Miami debate will also include Steve Wilkos as security between the chaotic, belligerent Trump and the increasingly fed-up Joe Biden. “If need be, we’ll let them get a few jabs in. Let ’em throw a couple of punches before we have Steve separate the two,” Springer stated. “We’ll have appropriate waivers signed and medics on standby in case one of these geriatrics tries to kick the bucket in the process.” Notably, the Commission on Presidential Debates also admitted today that this was essentially their “last ditch effort to fix everything that went wrong” in the first debate. “We’re really out of ideas, so at least this way things seem to actually make some sort of sense. If you can’t get them under control, just let them be out of control in the appropriate setting,” commission Co-Chair Deanne Reeder stated. “Jerry Springer and Steve Wilkos are the perfect people to handle what is sure to be yet another national embarrassment.” Photo Credit Justin Hoch, Luigi Novi
A visibly frustrated and bewildered Joe Biden asked a group of reporters today – out loud – if he was losing his mind, questioning “Am I fucking crazy? Shouldn’t I be winning by, like, a lot?” “I feel like I’m losing my goddamned mind! It’s like I’m living in the Twilight Zone, or on the moon,” a wide-eyed Biden shouted. “It’s crazy. No I mean it! It really is! It’s absolute madness.” Several reporters then reassured the presidential candidate that, no, he was in fact not insane and that he would most certainly be winning by at least 20% in the polls if we lived in a remotely well-educated society. “Well you can’t fix stupid,” Biden responded. “So we’ll have to just hope and pray that enough people will vote for Hillary Biden. I mean, Joe Clinton.” Photo Credit
Nintendo was taking heat this morning from the far right after it was revealed that the company’s wildly popular game Animal Crossing: New Horizons would now include yard signs showing support for presidential candidate Joe Biden. Many on the right were quick to anger, pointing out they they lacked any representation in the social simulation video game which is geared toward children ages 3 and up. “Look. I’m just like any other Trump-loving guy who hates Blacks and enjoys pretending to live in a village inhabited by various anthropomorphic animals while going fishing, bug catching, and fossil hunting,” self-described white nationalist Justin Longman stated. “It’s just typical for the leftist Hollywood elite video game developers to completely forget about a large subsection of their players. Would it really be so bad if Animal Crossing catered to every viewpoint?” In response to the public outcry, Nintendo has since added a white hood and a tiki torch as purchasable items in the game. As of press time some experts were predicting that it would take about a week for there to be a full-blown race war within the multiplayer game.
According to staff working the event, the Democratic National Convention will include a hologram of deceased Senator John McCain who will be endorsing Joe Biden. Republicans are calling the move disrespectful, despite Democrats having received permission from McCain’s family. President Trump spoke out about McCain’s posthumous appearance, calling it a stunt. “Personally I think it’s blasphemous. Very, very blasphemous,” Trump stated. “The Democrats have had dead people voting for years, now they’ve got them endorsing! Well I prefer my endorsers to be alive.” As of press time rumors were swirling that the president – who had just publicly condemned the concept – was now considering digging up Ronald Reagan, hoisting his skeleton up with strings like a puppet, and having him deliver a speech endorsing Trump.
Karen Pence says she will only allow her husband to debate Kamala Harris if she can sit on stage between the two candidates and “make sure that Mike doesn’t give in to sexual temptations.” Shortly after the news broke, Joe Biden gave a statement to reporters. “Who we have in office right now is a president that brags about grabbing women by the pussy, and a vice president who can’t even speak to women without adult supervision,” Biden stated while sniffing at a female staffer’s nape. “It’s wild. I mean, what’s with all these men who can’t control themselves?” Notably, the conditions set by Karen Pence mark the first time she has ever expressed concern that her husband might show an ounce of warmth toward a Black woman. As of press time, Karen was demanding to speak to the top authorities at the University of Utah – where the debate will be held – to make sure that she is given a comfortable chair at center stage.
The American Association of Retired People (AARP) released a new poll today revealing that, when forced to choose, 87% of Americans over 50 would prefer to have sex with Joe Biden over Donald Trump. Reasons cited by the more than 1,400 participants varied from the candidates’ weight and the chance of catching diseases to apparent hygiene, perceived stamina, and anticipated odors. Upon hearing about the poll, an angry president Trump tweeted out: Trump’s tweet has raised eyebrows as his current wife Melania turned 50 back in April and her marriage contract doesn’t expire for nearly five more years.
An adorable hamster that has housed the real brain of Ben Carson since a failed 2015 experiment came forward today to voice support for Joe Biden and Black Lives Matter. The hamster, which according to all leading scientists is Ben Carson, showed its support for Biden and the cause by slapping two small bumper stickers and a paw-made ‘Black Lives Matter’ sign on a pair of the doctor’s old glasses and posing for photographs. Notably, legal experts say that the hamster brain currently operating Ben Carson’s human body has been allowed to roam freely – saying and doing whatever it wants – because there aren’t any laws on the books that deal with such a circumstance. “Although Dr. Carson doesn’t have any legal recourse against the actions of the hamster controlling his real body’s every thought and action, we’re doing everything we can to preserve his First Amendment right to free speech by providing him with this photo shoot today,” a representative from Carson’s office stated.