After a morning interview in which former Vice President Joe Biden told black Americans “you ain’t black” if you are voting for Trump, president Trump fired back with two tweets, drawing a sharp contrast between the two candidates. Advertisements
While trying to learn the proper etiquette for interacting with women, former vice president Joe Biden started an altercation with a mannequin that his staff was using to train him. Aides say that after trying countless times to put an end to the one-sided exchange they decided to just let the 77-year-old Biden tire himself out. “At first Joe got confused because the mannequin wasn’t physically reacting to him. He isn’t used to being able to sniff and touch people like that without getting some sort of reaction. So that really threw him off,” an aide stated. “Then, when the mannequin wouldn’t speak to him, Joe completely lost it.” Indeed, the former vice president was whipped into a shouting frenzy after receiving the apparent cold shoulder; resulting in an off-colored rant that lasted for nearly three hours. “This chicken-headed, white-livered, unlicked cub wouldn’t know her ass from a hole in the ground!” Biden shouted at one point while inches from the mannequin’s face. “I bet you have a handshake like a wilted petunia! You’re all hat and no cattle! No! I mean it! I really do!” About an hour after the altercation, the Biden campaign released a statement. “If anything is clear it’s that Joe Biden has the stamina necessary to lead this nation. Anyone who can spend this much time and energy standing up for himself and what he believes in is clearly motivated to represent the American people,” the statement read. “Joe may very well be a geriatric whose hands, mind, and words wander, but his heart is in the right place.”
Presidential candidate Joe Biden stated today at an Alabama rally that all of his easily-offended supporters need to stop saying that all Bernie Sanders supporters are internet trolls and bullies. “Bernie Sanders’ loudest and most controversial supporters represent less than 5% of his following,” Biden stated. “We can’t be whiny mooncalves who can’t handle a tiny group of rapscallions. Y’all need to buck-up and move on. There’s a block button for a reason.” Meanwhile, an overwhelming majority of Sanders supporters – who all condemned the so-called “Bernie Bros” – had already returned their focus to trivial issues such as climate change and universal healthcare.
Several presidential candidates have been funneling donations into private health savings accounts in order to pay for their personal healthcare and medical bills as they inch closer and closer to death each day. Donald Trump, age 73, lead in fundraising last quarter. The president raked in $46 million; some of which will be used to keep excess skin pulled back from his face and stapled to the back of his scalp. The White House says Trump is also setting money aside to pay for an imminent quadruple bypass. Here’s how much money other elderly candidates raised last quarter to put toward personal medical care in case Trump wins again and the US healthcare system remains an unaffordable dumpster fire. Senator Bernie Sanders, 78: $34.5 millionStaffers say Sanders plans to replace his heart, which doctors and political experts agree is way too large. Former Vice President Joe Biden, 77: $22.7 millionJoe Biden will be using much of his money to fight his near-constant battle with lice which could easily be solved if he’d stop sniffing women’s hair. Sadly, the campaign is also looking into treatment for early onset Alzheimer’s as complete thoughts and sentences have become difficult for Biden to verbalize. Senator Elizabeth Warren, 70: $17 million. Being female, Warren is expected to have less medical issues, but she’s developed a drinking problem on the campaign trail in a misguided and racist effort to “become more Native American”. Warren will be needing a liver transplant before the end of 2020. Former New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg, 77: Refuses donations, uses his own money. Bloomberg – a billionaire – has had so many body parts replaced that he’s 87% robot and could be one of the first humans to live forever.
In yet another major misstep, presidential candidate Joe Biden announced at a rally today that he “loves the smell of newborn babies,” adding that “the aroma is even better when they’re cooked.” “I was in the Cayman Islands and my old buddy Corn Pop brought over this free range, breast-fed rotisserie baby meat to my cabana,” Biden grinned. “And let me tell you, baby is softer and juicier than chicken, and the smell is better than hair. Gotta love babies!”
Joe Biden announced his plan at the Democratic Debate last night to enhance learning opportunities for underprivileged children. The former vice president says, if elected, he’ll be providing everyone with a free gramophone and educational vinyl records that explain why modern day racial inequality “isn’t all that bad.” Photo credit Jalal gerald Aro
Those on the left are being told to stay indoors after public officials warned of a second active Koch brother. “Although one threat has been neutralized, there’s still another bad man reeking havoc on the country,” Joe Biden stated. The second brother has been identified as Charles G. Koch and is considered by authorities to be armed and cantankerous. “We could pass laws to protect ourselves from people like the Koch brothers, but that would require effort. So we’ll just wait for that old bastard to die,” a 76 year old Joe Biden stated. Artwork by DonkeyHotey