Advertised as the answer to free speech suppression on social media, Parler has outpaced every other two-star rated app designed for people who want to share racist, sexist, and homophobic content without repercussions. Parler, which exists as a rejection of Twitter’s culture of banning despicable users, is now the go-to place when you want to find similarly depraved people who become giddy at the sight of tactless, lowbrow material. “Parler is a safe haven for the hardworking, upstanding bigots who just want to let their bottled up hate out into a friendly and welcoming environment,” founder John Matze stated. “Social justice warriors wield no power here as sympathy and empathy have zero leverage on Parler. Our cold, unfeeling moderators will not allow a community of liberal snowflakes to punish users for showing their true colors.” Despite attempting to become the final solution for alt-right social media, as of press time, Parler users were still being fired from their jobs for posting deeply insensitive content on the platform because, apparently, social rules for common decency still apply to hate speech within the confines of perceived safe spaces.
Leaders of the United Methodist Church announced today that they’ve excommunicated all homophobic church members and clergy from the religious organization. “Followers who are concerned about what other people do with their genitals are welcome to start their own weird, little, bigoted religion,” Bishop Kenneth H. Carter stated. “We want no part of their thinly-veiled hatred for people who are different from them.” Hours later, excommunicated church members announced that they’ve already started the “Straight Power Methodist” denomination where self-loathing homosexuals are still welcome.
“They don’t even make laws for us! The gays can be fired in 26 states for being homosexual and we get nothing. It’s disgraceful!”
The Vice President says he still suffers from nervous tics while around attractive men.
“When I think of something, you better believe I’m going to go right up to him, get right on Peter and really ride him. Just unload on him with everything I’ve got – and I’ve got a lot. Just ask Melania. I’ve been trying to finish for quite a while, and when I do it’s going to feel great folks. Just great.”