Kentucky election officials stunned voters this morning when they announced that the only functioning voting machine for Louisville had been relocated “somewhere inside of Mammoth Cave” – the world’s longest cave system. Officials say that malfunctioning equipment and understaffing lead the election board to search for one large, last-minute, nearby location where everyone could fit. “With a city of 600,000 people we had to find a venue that could support the large numbers while being able to allow for proper social distancing,” one official confirmed. “So bring your lanterns, flashlights, helmets, some food and water because there’s only one voting machine in there – and wouldn’t ya know – we lost it!” As of press time countless citizens were desperately searching for their right to vote.
Georgia Governor Brian Kemp is likely to face charges for voter suppression after he deliberately moved a predominately Democrat polling place to an oil rig located 17 miles off the coast of Georgia. During a lunchtime press conference the governor denied any wrongdoing. “Everyone in that precinct was given an equal opportunity to vote at a slightly decentralized location. No favorites were played,” Kemp stated. “So you could say that everyone was in the same boat – so long as they made the one and only 8 a.m. ferry going to oil platform P-51.” More as this story develops.
Congressman Justin Amash, a Republican-turned-independent from Michigan, took heat upon announcing his presidential bid after it was revealed that he has yet to be accused of any form of sexual misconduct. The revelation that Amash may be an unquestionably innocent man has many wondering if he is even qualified to be president. What do you think? Photo credit Gage Skidmore.
While trying to learn the proper etiquette for interacting with women, former vice president Joe Biden started an altercation with a mannequin that his staff was using to train him. Aides say that after trying countless times to put an end to the one-sided exchange they decided to just let the 77-year-old Biden tire himself out. “At first Joe got confused because the mannequin wasn’t physically reacting to him. He isn’t used to being able to sniff and touch people like that without getting some sort of reaction. So that really threw him off,” an aide stated. “Then, when the mannequin wouldn’t speak to him, Joe completely lost it.” Indeed, the former vice president was whipped into a shouting frenzy after receiving the apparent cold shoulder; resulting in an off-colored rant that lasted for nearly three hours. “This chicken-headed, white-livered, unlicked cub wouldn’t know her ass from a hole in the ground!” Biden shouted at one point while inches from the mannequin’s face. “I bet you have a handshake like a wilted petunia! You’re all hat and no cattle! No! I mean it! I really do!” About an hour after the altercation, the Biden campaign released a statement. “If anything is clear it’s that Joe Biden has the stamina necessary to lead this nation. Anyone who can spend this much time and energy standing up for himself and what he believes in is clearly motivated to represent the American people,” the statement read. “Joe may very well be a geriatric whose hands, mind, and words wander, but his heart is in the right place.”
Political experts announced today that the number of right wing COVID-deniers, conservative beach-goers, and self-proclaimed “liberators” in Florida is high enough to flip the state blue in the 2020 election – but it’s for a morbid reason. “Unfortunately we’re about to see a lot of morons die in Florida,” Stanford Political Science Professor Susan Watkins stated. “There’s no other way to put it. Within the next month, as these unfathomably ignorant people succumb to the virus, it’s safe to say that Florida will become a blue state.” In response, the Trump administration is beginning to call for early voting in Florida to start as soon as next week so that more conservatives in the state have a chance to vote before they die. The president has also made a complete 180-degree turn and started pushing for mail-in ballots, despite his own claims that the voting method is easily tampered with.
The Democratic Party will use yet another untested software in Nevada’s upcoming February 22nd caucus and many are concerned that the errors which surrounded deployment of the Iowa caucus app are being repeated once again. Countless caucus volunteers fear a repeat of Iowa will cause disarray within the Democratic Party and give Trump the upper hand in the presidential election. Notably, the decision came just days ago that Nevada caucus sites would be using the pre-loaded app on iPads to record results. To further shroud the whole situation in mystery, the Democratic Party has refused to disclose who created the application, but says it will “work like a charm.” Voters’ rights groups are understandably concerned about how the app has been designed and deployed. What do you think? “Should we shoot ourselves in the same foot again? Or should we shoot the other foot so we have nothing left to stand on?” – Maureen Dimpsey, Life-long Democrat, Art History Teacher “What’s wrong with paper? Did the Russians hack our paper mills?” – Dennis Feldman, Retired Paper Salesman “Good technology needs proper design, proper testing, and proper training. In that spirit, we hope to have the app intuitively designed by 2024, rigorously tested by 2028 and ready for use by 2032. Mark my words: There will be no fifth term for this corrupt president.” – Bill McCurdy, Nevada State Democratic Party Chair
Presidential candidate Pete Buttigieg took to the stage at his Genoa, Nevada rally today having just learned he was polling in second place for the state’s upcoming February 22nd primary. The jubilant Mayor of South Bend, Indiana then inexplicably launched into an impassioned, unwarranted, 50-minute presidential acceptance speech. “Wow!” a wide-eyed Buttigieg shouted while waving a copy of the poll toward the crowd. “If there is anyone out there who still doubts that America is a place where all things are possible; if anyone out there still wonders if the dream of our founding fathers is alive and well today; if anyone out there questions the power of our democracy, tonight is your answer!” The murmuring, confused crowd looked on as Buttigieg continued his finely-polished speech. “It’s been a long time coming, but tonight, because of what we did on this day, in this election, at this defining moment, a time of healing and rebirth has come to the United States of America,” an emotional Buttigieg sobbed. “I would not be standing here tonight without the unyielding support of my best friend for the last 5 years. I want to thank my partner in this journey we call life, the man who gives me strength and keeps me grounded – My husband Chasten.” The two men then kissed, giving Rush Limbaugh cancer in his other lung, before Buttigieg concluded while pointing toward his bewildered, offstage campaign team. “To my campaign manager, Mike Schmuhl; my spokesperson, Lis Smith; and the best campaign team ever assembled in the history of politics — you made this happen.” Photo Credit Gage Skidmore