Category: election
Absent-Minded: Democrats Forget to Rig House & Senate Races
Having successfully rigged the 2020 presidential election for Joe Biden, Democrats are just now realizing that they forgot to cheat in all of the House and Senate races that took place across the country. “Whoops! We fixed the election for … Continue reading Absent-Minded: Democrats Forget to Rig House & Senate Races
Kentucky Moves Only Louisville Voting Machine ‘Somewhere Inside of Mammoth Cave’
Kentucky election officials stunned voters this morning when they announced that the only functioning voting machine for Louisville had been relocated “somewhere inside of Mammoth Cave” – the world’s longest cave system. Officials say that malfunctioning equipment and understaffing lead … Continue reading Kentucky Moves Only Louisville Voting Machine ‘Somewhere Inside of Mammoth Cave’
Gov. Kemp Denies Voter Suppression After Moving Polling Place to Offshore Oil Rig
Georgia Governor Brian Kemp is likely to face charges for voter suppression after he deliberately moved a predominately Democrat polling place to an oil rig located 17 miles off the coast of Georgia. During a lunchtime press conference the governor … Continue reading Gov. Kemp Denies Voter Suppression After Moving Polling Place to Offshore Oil Rig
Laughable Third Party Candidate Hasn’t Even Been Accused of Sexual Assault
Congressman Justin Amash, a Republican-turned-independent from Michigan, took heat upon announcing his presidential bid after it was revealed that he has yet to be accused of any form of sexual misconduct. The revelation that Amash may be an unquestionably innocent … Continue reading Laughable Third Party Candidate Hasn’t Even Been Accused of Sexual Assault
What Does Joe Biden’s Argument With a Mannequin Say About His Mental Health?
While trying to learn the proper etiquette for interacting with women, former vice president Joe Biden started an altercation with a mannequin that his staff was using to train him. Aides say that after trying countless times to put an … Continue reading What Does Joe Biden’s Argument With a Mannequin Say About His Mental Health?
BREAKING: Enough Floridians Will Die From the Coronavirus to Flip the State Blue
Political experts announced today that the number of right wing COVID-deniers, conservative beach-goers, and self-proclaimed “liberators” in Florida is high enough to flip the state blue in the 2020 election – but it’s for a morbid reason. “Unfortunately we’re about … Continue reading BREAKING: Enough Floridians Will Die From the Coronavirus to Flip the State Blue
Unfathomable: Nevada Voting App Will First Be Tested During the Caucus
The Democratic Party will use yet another untested software in Nevada’s upcoming February 22nd caucus and many are concerned that the errors which surrounded deployment of the Iowa caucus app are being repeated once again. Countless caucus volunteers fear a … Continue reading Unfathomable: Nevada Voting App Will First Be Tested During the Caucus
Pete Buttigieg Gives Presidential Acceptance Speech After Learning He’s Polling Second in Nevada Primary
Presidential candidate Pete Buttigieg took to the stage at his Genoa, Nevada rally today having just learned he was polling in second place for the state’s upcoming February 22nd primary. The jubilant Mayor of South Bend, Indiana then inexplicably launched … Continue reading Pete Buttigieg Gives Presidential Acceptance Speech After Learning He’s Polling Second in Nevada Primary
“It’s All Going According to Plan” Future Secretary of State Amy Klobuchar Says After 3rd Place Finish in New Hampshire
Minnesota Senator and moderate presidential candidate Amy Klobuchar is one step closer to her dream of becoming Secretary of State after finishing third in the New Hampshire primary. A smiling Klobuchar told a crowd at her rally in South Carolina … Continue reading “It’s All Going According to Plan” Future Secretary of State Amy Klobuchar Says After 3rd Place Finish in New Hampshire
Counting Expert Called in to Solve Iowa Caucus Debacle
Iowa Caucus App Fails After Too Many Russians Log In at the Same Time
The voting app used for last night’s Iowa Caucus crashed multiple times after thousands of Russian hackers attempted to log in to vote at the same time. Now, Russian president Vladimir Putin is crying foul – calling the results “tainted” … Continue reading Iowa Caucus App Fails After Too Many Russians Log In at the Same Time
Amy Klobuchar evolves into Klobucharizard on Democratic Debate stage
During her closing statement at the Iowa Democratic Debate – and without warning – Senator Amy Klobuchar evolved into Klobucharizard; sprouting an additional head on her right shoulder all while shaking violently on stage. Continue reading Amy Klobuchar evolves into Klobucharizard on Democratic Debate stage
BREAKING: Pete Buttigieg confirms Bernie Sanders said he didn’t think a bottom could win the presidency
Pete Buttigieg just confirmed multiple reports regarding a 2019 meeting between himself and Bernie Sanders in which they disagreed on whether a bottom could win the 2020 presidential election. “Among the topics that came up was could a bottom win … Continue reading BREAKING: Pete Buttigieg confirms Bernie Sanders said he didn’t think a bottom could win the presidency
New poll shows most Iowa men are “open to” sleeping with Pete Buttigieg
A new Des Moines Register/CNN/Mediacom Iowa Poll shows that 54% of likely male voters would be open to sleeping with Pete Buttigieg. What do you think? “If the timing were right, and I didn’t have these pesky kids, I’d give … Continue reading New poll shows most Iowa men are “open to” sleeping with Pete Buttigieg
Trump threatens to destroy Iran by becoming their president
Donald Trump announced today that he plans to run for President of Iran in the country’s 2021 election if current leader Hassan Rouhani doesn’t stop his attacks on US bases in Iraq. “I’m going to be the first man to … Continue reading Trump threatens to destroy Iran by becoming their president
Breaking: ‘Mother-Pence 2020’ Campaign Signs Spotted in Pence Family Home Garage
After following Mike Pence home Sunday night to ask questions about the impeachment hearings, field reporters from FOX News saw something much, much more interesting in the Vice President’s garage: a ‘Mother-Pence 2020’ banner along with several campaign yard signs. … Continue reading Breaking: ‘Mother-Pence 2020’ Campaign Signs Spotted in Pence Family Home Garage
Nervous Voters Voice Concern Over Correct Ballot Answer Always Being (D)
“I almost gave up and started drawing patterns in the bubbles, but then I remembered I was voting.” Continue reading Nervous Voters Voice Concern Over Correct Ballot Answer Always Being (D)