Leaders of the United Methodist Church announced today that they’ve excommunicated all homophobic church members and clergy from the religious organization. “Followers who are concerned about what other people do with their genitals are welcome to start their own weird, little, bigoted religion,” Bishop Kenneth H. Carter stated. “We want no part of their thinly-veiled hatred for people who are different from them.” Hours later, excommunicated church members announced that they’ve already started the “Straight Power Methodist” denomination where self-loathing homosexuals are still welcome.
“They don’t even make laws for us! The gays can be fired in 26 states for being homosexual and we get nothing. It’s disgraceful!”
According to their website, Mufflr is being funded by powerful lesbians Ellen Degeneres and Hillary Clinton.
“When I think of something, you better believe I’m going to go right up to him, get right on Peter and really ride him. Just unload on him with everything I’ve got – and I’ve got a lot. Just ask Melania. I’ve been trying to finish for quite a while, and when I do it’s going to feel great folks. Just great.”
“My dreams became littered with terrifying sex monsters that attacked my lesbian lover Barb.” – Elizabeth Warren
Elizabeth Warren announced today at a campaign rally that she is “ready and willing” to divorce her husband of 39 years and marry her “lifelong best friend Barb.”
“Eggland’s Best apologizes if we’ve torn apart any families because of our gay eggs.”