(The Astral Plane) After being essentially hands-off for millennia, the Devil and God stunned the world today when they publicly begged conservatives in America to stop screwing around and take the pandemic seriously. Both rulers reported that their individual dominions are nearing capacity due to COVID deaths; the majority of which are coming from the United States. “If Americans want out of this mess they’re going to have to knock some sense into the right wing,” the Devil stated. “Honestly, it’s getting hard to tell the difference between my realm and whatever the hell is going on up there.” God expressed similar sentiments. “The rate at which people are dying is outpacing how quickly we can build additional living space here in Heaven. Conservatives need to get their shit together or we’re going to have angels living under the overpass.” God stated. “And for the love of Me, don’t try to reopen the fucking schools because they’ll be closed within a week. I guarantee you that.” Photo credit James Cridland
According to staff working the event, the Democratic National Convention will include a hologram of deceased Senator John McCain who will be endorsing Joe Biden. Republicans are calling the move disrespectful, despite Democrats having received permission from McCain’s family. President Trump spoke out about McCain’s posthumous appearance, calling it a stunt. “Personally I think it’s blasphemous. Very, very blasphemous,” Trump stated. “The Democrats have had dead people voting for years, now they’ve got them endorsing! Well I prefer my endorsers to be alive.” As of press time rumors were swirling that the president – who had just publicly condemned the concept – was now considering digging up Ronald Reagan, hoisting his skeleton up with strings like a puppet, and having him deliver a speech endorsing Trump.
President Trump put out a statement today in which he said he would be banning all dating apps with an executive order in the coming week. The move comes after experts found that random sexual encounters were fueling the pandemic. “We have become aware that individuals using apps to hook up are a major cause for the spread of the Chinese virus,” Trump stated. “In fact, the use of these apps has increased during the pandemic and now accounts for up to 40% of the spread. So if your promiscuous friends or streetwalking family members have been sleeping around like trampy hos, be sure to put them in their place.” In a show of unity, Dr. Anthony Fauci also gave a statement today saying that it is now “not only socially acceptable, but critical that citizens ridicule everyone who tries to hook up during the pandemic.” “Together, we can slut shame our way out of this troubling time,” Fauci stated. “Man, woman, teen, or senior citizen – if you see them trying to hook up – go ahead and humiliate the hell out of them and you’ll be doing your country a great service.”
Over 22,400 Americans have choked to death in 2020 – more than four times the yearly average. Experts say the cause is an uptick in less intelligent Americans finally agreeing to wear masks and then forgetting to remove them before eating. “What we’re seeing is a sizable group of slower people – who were initially refusing to wear masks because the president wasn’t – that are now choking to death on the protective gear,” Dr. Richard Huffman stated. “They get hungry and they neglect to remove their mask before pushing food into their mouths.” As of press time, experts had no solution to the problem. “I don’t know what to say anymore; I think nature just wants these people dead,” Huffman stated.
Photo Credit Daniel Lobo
The corpse of deceased convicted sex offender Jeffrey Epstein was found hanging in a tree outside of his mausoleum in Loxahatchee, Florida this morning. Authorities investigating the incident say that two night watchmen on duty last night failed to make two of their 30-minute rounds to inspect the grounds and that’s when Epstein killed himself. Again. “What’s clear is that we have a suicide on our hands here,” Loxachatchee Police Chief Jason Whitfield confirmed. “Mr. Epstein knew that he’d be locked up in that casket indefinitely and he simply couldn’t take it anymore.”
SpaceX astronauts Robert Behnken and Douglas Hurley are refusing orders to return to Earth this weekend, citing the uncontrolled spread of coronavirus and social unrest in their home country of the United States. “Although we have already carried out our mission successfully, we’ve decided to remain in space until the US can get its shit together,” Behnken stated. “Maybe if our country had some semblance of a comprehensive plan to defeat the virus we’d be coming back.” Fellow astronaut Douglas Hurley echoed Behnken’s statement. “No one in their right mind would return to that chaos when they could just float around and wait it out up here instead,” Hurley confirmed while sporting a Black Lives Matter shirt. “It’s likely we won’t return until president Trump is no longer in office because – let’s face it – nothing is getting better. In fact, it’s only getting worse down there.”