“I never thought I’d have to say this, but my boobs are down there.”
Scientists at NASA were stunned today when the Curiosity rover came across a toy doll while it was exploring Mars’ Gale Crater. Experts have no explanation for how the strange doll got there.
After 17 years of selling oversized, rotisserie rats, Costco has announced that they will no longer offer the popular rodent; citing yearly losses of over $30 million from the unsustainably low prices.
Mental health organizations across the world are using World Mental Health Day to remind men to keep their problems to themselves. “Real men never share their feelings, so it’s important that you catch yourself if you accidentally begin to open up.” psychiatrist Brian Tomlinson stated. “Bottle it up and bury it deep down inside; then, and this is important, go ahead and never talk about it again. What other people think about you is far more important than being happy.” Photo credit: thoroughlyreviewed.com
The Trump administration announced today that pills filled with shredded money have been added to the official USDA Nutrition Plate at the request of Melania Trump. The First Lady says the president needs to ingest 16 of the money pills a day. “My Donald, he is completely full of shit,” Melania confirmed. “So it is very important that he gets his fiber or he gets cranky and bloated. This is the only way I could get him to eat it.” Photo by Lisa Yarost
With the announcement of the 26th Annual Darwin Awards, Donald Trump has found himself on the winner’s list. The leader of the free world tweeted about his accomplishment. Notably, Darwin Award winners are required to be sterile, display an astounding misapplication of judgement, and be the cause of their own demise.
Despite pushback from his personal lawyer Rudy Giuliani, Congress says that president Trump will be tried as an adult throughout the impeachment process. “Mr. Trump throws tantrums, says everything is unfair, only wants junk food and has tiny hands,” Giuliani shouted on Fox and Friends. “This is all wrong. The president is not an adult. Period!” Democrats fired back quickly, with Speaker Nancy Pelosi making a public statement. “President Trump said he could shoot someone in the middle of the street and never get in trouble,” Nancy Pelosi stated. “But now he’s shot himself in the foot and for the first time in his life he’s facing the consequences. It’s time to grow up Donald.”