Category: U.S. News

Health & Wellness, Mitch McConnell, Politics, U.S. NewsLeave a comment

McConnell’s Doctor Says Knowledge of Senator’s Missing Heart & Brain Ruled Out Stroke, Heart Attack, Immediately

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WASHINGTON D.C. – In a shocking medical revelation, Mitch McConnell’s personal doctor, Dr. Felix Mortimer, took to the podium to address the nation about the senator’s “freezing incident,” announcing that he was able to “immediately rule out any possibility of … Continue reading McConnell’s Doctor Says Knowledge of Senator’s Missing Heart & Brain Ruled Out Stroke, Heart Attack, Immediately

Facebook, Social Media, U.S. NewsLeave a comment

Mark Zuckerberg Banned & Fired From Facebook For Post After His Own AI Takes Over Company

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The newly-ousted former head of Facebook, Mark Zuckerberg told reporters through teary eyes today that he had likely been permanently banned from his own social media platform and company. Zuckerberg, who stole the Facebook platform back in January of 2004, … Continue reading Mark Zuckerberg Banned & Fired From Facebook For Post After His Own AI Takes Over Company

Business, Fox News, Technology, U.S. NewsLeave a comment
Baby Oil Processor Squish Babies Abortion Shortage Ban

Experts Warn Of ‘Huge Baby Oil Shortage’ After Bans On Abortion Result In Fewer Fetuses To Squeeze Juices From

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With strict abortion bans going into effect in 13 states, baby oil manufacturers and suppliers are sounding the alarm that a product shortage is unavoidable due to an abrupt drop in the amount of aborted fetuses available to squeeze the … Continue reading Experts Warn Of ‘Huge Baby Oil Shortage’ After Bans On Abortion Result In Fewer Fetuses To Squeeze Juices From

Crime, Donald Trump, Election 2020, Politics, U.S. NewsLeave a comment

Massive Fraud Incapable Of Correctly Identifying Massive Fraud

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(Palm Beach, FL) An area man, who perfectly fits the definition of a con artist, has been embarrassing himself by repeatedly and incorrectly telling everyone he’s uncovered proof of massive fraud in the 2020 election. “For his entire career this … Continue reading Massive Fraud Incapable Of Correctly Identifying Massive Fraud

Animals, Fox News, Pets, Republicans, Tucker Carlson, U.S. NewsLeave a comment

Conservatives Boycott Petco & Petsmart After Learning The Stores Are A Safe Haven For Groomers

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A large group of angry conservatives took to social media today to announce a boycott of Petco and PetSmart after learning that both American pet retailers engage in the act of grooming. “Now they’re even going after our pets!” Fox … Continue reading Conservatives Boycott Petco & Petsmart After Learning The Stores Are A Safe Haven For Groomers

Gun Control, Republican, U.S. NewsLeave a comment

Man Who Says US Is Greatest Country On Earth Can’t Step Out Front Door Without Being Armed For Combat

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(Milwaukee, WI) Local man James Fielder, who firmly believes that the United States is the best country on the planet, refuses to ever leave his house without bringing at least two guns with him. “I carry these weapons in public … Continue reading Man Who Says US Is Greatest Country On Earth Can’t Step Out Front Door Without Being Armed For Combat

Elon Musk, Technology, Transportation, Twitter, U.S. NewsLeave a comment

Samsung Threatens To Sue Elon Musk Over Tesla Phone: ‘We Hold The Patent For Phones That Explode’

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Samsung threatened to file a lawsuit against Elon Musk today after the billionaire had an exchange with a video podcaster on Twitter about the possibility of Musk making a new smartphone. Samsung released a brief press release about the issue, … Continue reading Samsung Threatens To Sue Elon Musk Over Tesla Phone: ‘We Hold The Patent For Phones That Explode’

Gun Control, Republicans, U.S. News, WalmartLeave a comment

Republicans Push For ‘Mass Shooting Condolence Cards’ Section In Every Walmart

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Kentucky Senator Mitch McConnell told reporters early this morning that Republicans in Congress plan to introduce a bill that would require all Walmart locations to have a mass shooting condolence card section within the store. “It’s the least we can … Continue reading Republicans Push For ‘Mass Shooting Condolence Cards’ Section In Every Walmart

Elon Musk, Twitter, U.S. NewsLeave a comment

Elon Musk Fires All Staff That Won’t Do Cocaine: ‘Everyone Must Work Nonstop’

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Twitter CEO Elon Musk sent out a company-wide email today informing employees that they are all required to snort cocaine. “The entire staff must able to work nonstop, and for days on end,” Musk wrote. “The only way I see … Continue reading Elon Musk Fires All Staff That Won’t Do Cocaine: ‘Everyone Must Work Nonstop’

Entertainment News, Music, U.S. NewsLeave a comment

Blink-182 Reunites After Tom DeLonge’s Body Is Taken Over By A Musically Talented Alien

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Blink-182 announced today that they’ve reunited and will be going on a world tour. The surprising decision to regroup comes after a musically talented alien took over Tom DeLonge’s body before contacting former bandmates Travis Barker and Mark Hoppus. Barker … Continue reading Blink-182 Reunites After Tom DeLonge’s Body Is Taken Over By A Musically Talented Alien

Immigration, Politics, Ron DeSantis, U.S. NewsLeave a comment
Ron DeSantis Greg Abott racist immigration fly Marthas vineyard

FL & TX Governors Charged For Sex Trafficking After Shipping People Across State Lines In Order To Fuck Them

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Florida gov. Ron DeSantis and Texas gov. Greg Abbott have both been charged for human sex trafficking after they orchestrated the shipment of migrants – that were only looking for help – across state lines for the sole purpose of … Continue reading FL & TX Governors Charged For Sex Trafficking After Shipping People Across State Lines In Order To Fuck Them

drugs, Immigration, Joe Biden, Republicans, U.S. NewsLeave a comment

GOP Livid, Going Through Withdrawals After 621 Pounds Of Fentanyl Seized At Border

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Over 600 pounds of deadly fentanyl was seized at the southern border last month, leaving many Republican leaders sick and angry as their dealers experienced severe supply chain issues. Members of the party were so deeply impacted and disoriented by … Continue reading GOP Livid, Going Through Withdrawals After 621 Pounds Of Fentanyl Seized At Border

Elon Musk, Science, sex, space, U.S. NewsLeave a comment

Elon Musk: ‘I Will Colonize Mars, But Only With Thousands Of My Own Offspring’

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Billionaire Elon Musk told reporters today that, not only does he already have “at least 370 kids,” but that he also plans on having thousands more in order to colonize mars. The news comes after it was revealed that the … Continue reading Elon Musk: ‘I Will Colonize Mars, But Only With Thousands Of My Own Offspring’