Category: U.S. News
NASA Says Sun Will Defecate & Urinate While Moon Eclipses Earth For Privacy
The Sun is crossing its magnetic fields and thinking of anything but the flowing Milky Way as it waits in desperation for the Moon to block the Earth this Monday; allowing it to finally get some privacy. Having not voided … Continue reading NASA Says Sun Will Defecate & Urinate While Moon Eclipses Earth For Privacy
Spirit Airlines Adds Fee For Inspecting & Tightening Panels in Your Row
Spirit Airlines, renowned for their inventive fee structures, has introduced an up-charge for the inspection and tightening of aircraft panels. This latest addition to their fees aims to “provide passengers with the ultimate sense of security.” Dubbed the “Panel Assurance … Continue reading Spirit Airlines Adds Fee For Inspecting & Tightening Panels in Your Row
Conservatives Propose Mandatory Silencers To Limit Panic During Mass Shootings
Washington, D.C. — In a surprising turn of events on Capitol Hill, conservatives are pushing to pass gun control legislation with the newly proposed H.U.S.H. act. The bill, which would require all guns sold in the United States to be … Continue reading Conservatives Propose Mandatory Silencers To Limit Panic During Mass Shootings
Goodbye Tony, Hello Tanya: Kellogg’s Reveals First Transgender Cereal Mascot!
Kellogg’s has made a bold move in rebranding one of their beloved cereal mascots, Tony the Tiger, as Tanya. Yes, you heard that right, Tony has undergone a gender transformation, and the breakfast world will never be the same! Gone … Continue reading Goodbye Tony, Hello Tanya: Kellogg’s Reveals First Transgender Cereal Mascot!
Border Wall To Be Completed Using Unlimited Stock of Ladders Discarded Near Existing Wall
(McAllen, TX) In a complete reversal on prior stances, the Biden administration unveiled a plan today to finalize the US-Mexico border wall by utilizing a “strange and seemingly endless supply of discarded ladders” conveniently scattered near the existing barrier. Biden, … Continue reading Border Wall To Be Completed Using Unlimited Stock of Ladders Discarded Near Existing Wall
McConnell’s Doctor Says Knowledge of Senator’s Missing Heart & Brain Ruled Out Stroke, Heart Attack, Immediately
WASHINGTON D.C. – In a shocking medical revelation, Mitch McConnell’s personal doctor, Dr. Felix Mortimer, took to the podium to address the nation about the senator’s “freezing incident,” announcing that he was able to “immediately rule out any possibility of … Continue reading McConnell’s Doctor Says Knowledge of Senator’s Missing Heart & Brain Ruled Out Stroke, Heart Attack, Immediately
Trump’s Pants Catch Fire While Burning Letter From Jack Smith
In a bizarre twist of events, former President Donald J. Trump found himself in a hot spot as his pants caught fire while attempting to burn the letter he received from Jack Smith. What began as a fiery act of … Continue reading Trump’s Pants Catch Fire While Burning Letter From Jack Smith
Mark Zuckerberg Banned & Fired From Facebook For Post After His Own AI Takes Over Company
The newly-ousted former head of Facebook, Mark Zuckerberg told reporters through teary eyes today that he had likely been permanently banned from his own social media platform and company. Zuckerberg, who stole the Facebook platform back in January of 2004, … Continue reading Mark Zuckerberg Banned & Fired From Facebook For Post After His Own AI Takes Over Company
Worthless Coworker Excited For Annual Talk About Being ‘A Bit Tired’ From Daylight Savings & How ‘We Should Really Just Get Rid Of It’
Unaware Of Air Travel Shutdown, Southwest Flight Cancellations ‘Remained At Same Frequency As Usual’
Despite Finding Election They Can Do Over & Over Again, GOP Still Can’t Win
Experts Warn Of ‘Huge Baby Oil Shortage’ After Bans On Abortion Result In Fewer Fetuses To Squeeze Juices From
With strict abortion bans going into effect in 13 states, baby oil manufacturers and suppliers are sounding the alarm that a product shortage is unavoidable due to an abrupt drop in the amount of aborted fetuses available to squeeze the … Continue reading Experts Warn Of ‘Huge Baby Oil Shortage’ After Bans On Abortion Result In Fewer Fetuses To Squeeze Juices From
Massive Fraud Incapable Of Correctly Identifying Massive Fraud
(Palm Beach, FL) An area man, who perfectly fits the definition of a con artist, has been embarrassing himself by repeatedly and incorrectly telling everyone he’s uncovered proof of massive fraud in the 2020 election. “For his entire career this … Continue reading Massive Fraud Incapable Of Correctly Identifying Massive Fraud
Conservatives Boycott Petco & Petsmart After Learning The Stores Are A Safe Haven For Groomers
A large group of angry conservatives took to social media today to announce a boycott of Petco and PetSmart after learning that both American pet retailers engage in the act of grooming. “Now they’re even going after our pets!” Fox … Continue reading Conservatives Boycott Petco & Petsmart After Learning The Stores Are A Safe Haven For Groomers
Man Who Says US Is Greatest Country On Earth Can’t Step Out Front Door Without Being Armed For Combat
(Milwaukee, WI) Local man James Fielder, who firmly believes that the United States is the best country on the planet, refuses to ever leave his house without bringing at least two guns with him. “I carry these weapons in public … Continue reading Man Who Says US Is Greatest Country On Earth Can’t Step Out Front Door Without Being Armed For Combat
Samsung Threatens To Sue Elon Musk Over Tesla Phone: ‘We Hold The Patent For Phones That Explode’
Samsung threatened to file a lawsuit against Elon Musk today after the billionaire had an exchange with a video podcaster on Twitter about the possibility of Musk making a new smartphone. Samsung released a brief press release about the issue, … Continue reading Samsung Threatens To Sue Elon Musk Over Tesla Phone: ‘We Hold The Patent For Phones That Explode’
Republicans Push For ‘Mass Shooting Condolence Cards’ Section In Every Walmart
Kentucky Senator Mitch McConnell told reporters early this morning that Republicans in Congress plan to introduce a bill that would require all Walmart locations to have a mass shooting condolence card section within the store. “It’s the least we can … Continue reading Republicans Push For ‘Mass Shooting Condolence Cards’ Section In Every Walmart