“Donald J. Trump is up for Best Performance in a Comedy Series that lasts for one term or less.”
The president cut his speech short and shuffled sideways offstage.
“Farmers are counting themselves lucky that residents will eat anything.”
“The swirling rumors say that Melania refused to return to the White House for two weeks.”
“There’s no room for every musky man to lie down on the concrete, so they have to get creative with the cuddling. It just looks like a great experience.” – Mike Pence
Authorities list gunpowder, Sudafed, oregano, ammonium nitrate fertilizer, paint thinner and celery salt as some of the ingredients.
“These little green guys don’t stand a chance,” Nevada Governor Steve Sisolak stated. “Us Nevadans don’t take too kindly to… let’s say… off-white beings. Once they cross that fence they’re going to get lit up like the 4th of July!”
“What better way to show that the United States is a Christian nation than by celebrating Jesus’ crucifixion on America’s birthday!?” – President Donald J. Trump
“Maybe it’ll actually be good enough to win an award this time.” – Will Ferrell
Biden’s hair came from his soundproof hobby room where he keeps his personal collection of real hair, mannequins and doll parts.
“It’s safe to say that most residents of the state of Mississippi have been vegetarian, or close to it, since 2009.” – Governor Phil Bryant
“An investigation will show Melania’s knockers were implanted by the Russians to spy on our great nation.”
“I can’t express enough how grateful I am that this isn’t happening to me or my family.” – U.S. Rep. Steve King (R-IA)
Trump is revealing the meaning of ‘covfefe’ and people couldn’t be more excited.
Now it’s possible to avoid having to pay a doctor for their time spent curled up on the operating table next to your barely-clothed, unconscious body.
“It’s Adam and Summer’s Eve, not Ben and Jerry; although, some Victoria’s Secret and Lane Bryant experimentation sounds intriguing,” Trump tweeted.
Grisham is scheduled to take a crowbar to the face later today in an attempt to make her eye situation match that of Sanders.
Get rid of your twenty dollar bills before it’s too late! The U.S. Treasury Department says it will be taking the value of a $20 bill down to zero.
“America can’t take the tired, poor, huddled masses in without somewhere to put ’em.”
Deliberately drawing zigzagging lines around all the white people will no longer be an option.
In response, Sam’s Club announced they will be selling “everything necessary to create an elaborate sex dungeon” by July.
President Trump celebrated his 73rd birthday by getting a tattoo of Pepe the Frog on his right butt cheek.
McConnell is being investigated by the US. Senate Ethics Committee for spending $127,000 on a new heat lamp system and gigantic basking rocks in his office.
“It’s hard to keep the kids clean and the depression buried deep, deep down inside. Purell lets you do both.”
An executive order from the desk of President Trump has put an end to genetically-modified, cyborg baby programs.
“I picked up the sweet, floral tones of South Colombian cocaine and the chemical aura of John Frieda’s Luxurious Volume Forever Full Hairspray for Fine Wigs.” – Joe Biden
“They don’t even make laws for us! The gays can be fired in 26 states for being homosexual and we get nothing. It’s disgraceful!”