Police officers are under investigation for grand theft and possession of a prohibited weapon after wheeling a WWI cannon from nearby Gold Medal Park and leaving it in a crowd of protesters in downtown Minneapolis. Three officers have been put on administrative leave and could also face charges for defacing property and planting false evidence. Advertisements
A source from the White House confirmed today that the staff is making desperate attempts to get president Trump to take the COVID-19 pandemic seriously. Just this morning White House aides grabbed a marker and a piece of paper and wrote down the number 100,000 before holding it up to the president and explaining that this was how many Americans have died. Trump showed no reaction. Staff then rewrote the number by adding a money symbol before it and tacking on a comma with three zeroes after it. “We then showed Mr. Trump the piece of paper, which read $100,000,000, and his eyes got wide,” an aide stated. “We lied and said this is the amount of money Mr. Trump’s businesses would lose if he doesn’t take stronger action.” As of press time Trump was wearing a mask and giving an unrehearsed speech informing citizens of the great and tragic loss of money that he could endure if Americans don’t practice social distancing and wear masks. “Listen up folks! If we don’t take this virus seriously, I will lose a lot of money!” Trump shouted. “You should see the number. It’s beyond comprehension. Many people don’t understand it because there’s a lot of zeroes and a lot of commas in that number, but together we can save my wealth, which has been under attack from the Chinese Virus ever since it escaped from Wuhan.”
Hurting for money after several weeks without holding a single mass, Father Peter Gibbons of St. Margaret’s Parish in Austin, TX is now deeply regretting his decision to buy a 45-gallon trash can for collecting donations. “The optics are off. That’s for sure. I feel like I could have picked a better container,” Gibbons frowned. “I just don’t think the parishioners are believing my story that God told me to buy a heavy duty trash can for this purpose.” As of press time, Gibbons said he would be getting rid of the giant container and be resorting back to good old fashioned Catholic guilt next weekend.
Pope Francis took time out of his weekly address today to tell priests and followers across the globe to “cancel mass, stay home, and read a goddamned Bible already!” “I’m most deeply saddened and ashamed for the priests who have clearly not read the holy book!” Francis yelled. “Matthew 18:20 reads ‘For where two or three gather in my name, there am I with them.’ So there’s no need to hold mass like fucking fools and spread this deadly virus!” Francis then paused and took a deep breath while unsuccessfully attempting to collect himself. “So my challenge to all of the faithful is this: Do me a favor! Read the Bible for once in your goddamned lives! Cover-to-cover, just once. Do it for me!” Francis shouted. “For I say unto thee: as truly fucked up as the Bible is, there do exist some good little truth nuggets, although they are sparsely scattered throughout. Amen.” Photo Credit Mario Duran-Ortiz
Photo Credit Steven Depolo
(Franklin, WI) Having just been picked up by a despondent 34-year-old in a depressed haze, this 30-count bottle of Lexapro has no fucking clue what it’s gotten itself into.
Researchers are reporting that early trials with the drug chloroform have been successful in preventing the spread of COVID-19 by people refusing to follow social distancing rules. “The scientific community is optimistic that chloroform can help to subdue people who are putting others at risk,” Leadburry stated. “By simply placing a chloroform-soaked cloth over their nose and mouth, we have been able to suppress individuals who are actively ignoring social distancing protocols,” head researcher Katie Leadburry stated. Should next month’s final human trial prove successful, scientists say the drug could be ready for use in the general public. “We hope to have every Costco and Red Lobster manager outfitted with enough chloroform to overpower an entire klan of Karens should anti-science protesting get out of hand,” Leadburry confirmed.