A study released by Harvard University today revealed that of the top 100 wealthiest Americans, nearly 90% claimed that they were either “close” or “very close” to liking the United States enough to start paying taxes. “As our wealth swells, so does our pride in this great country,” Jeff Bezos stated. “So much in fact that the majority of us are getting close to liking the US enough to start paying taxes. I truly believe that once I become a trillionaire I will be prepared to contribute a couple million dollars a year.” When reached for comment, many of the richest Americans expressed similar sentiments, including Elon Musk. “I think a trillion dollars – or possible a little more – would help me to live comfortably,” Musk grinned. “But I think to be safe, I’ll start paying taxes once I’m a quadrillionaire.” Photo credit Steve Johnson
A new Gallup Poll revealed today that nearly 100 percent of the general public isn’t concerned over why the extremely wealthy are trying so desperately to make it to outer space, and quickly. When reached for comment, Elon Musk said he had just finished talking with Richard Branson and Jeff Bezos about finalizing their flight manifests of fellow elites that will be aboard their respective spaceships. “It’s not like the world is going to end in the very, very, very near future. Haha ha.” Musk laughed nervously. “We’re just finalizing everything right now because… uhh haha… well that’s how us billionaires are. Always prepared and ahead of the times.” “Plus, I’d feel like a real asshole if we were about to launch from this uninhabitable planet next month… I mean… err haha… decades and decades from now, God forbid, and we had somehow accidentally left someone really cool behind, like Betty White,” Musk concluded.
Jeff Bezos announced today that he will be flying to outer space next month on Blue Origin’s New Shepard Rocket in order to “get a better look at Earth” before deciding if he wants to buy it. The flight, which will take place on July 20th, will be the final deciding factor in whether or not our planet will be owned by one man. “I can’t wait for the launch when I’ll see all of the humans looking like the ants they are – and then disappearing – all while I look down on everyone like the God that I am,” Bezos grinned while steepling his hands. “You know. I want to see if it feels right. Kick the tires and check her out. Plus, There’s always other planets if I don’t like what I see.” Bezos’ released flight schedule also shows him spending time setting up an off-planet tax shelter and relaxing as far away as possible from his ex-wife. Original Photo credit Daniel Oberhaus
Reports of an extreme uptick in unruly behavior by conservative passengers has prompted Spirit Airlines to announce that they are now supplying crew members with tasers. “In an average year, there are around 100 to 150 cases of bad passenger behavior,” Spirit Airlines CEO Edward Christie stated. “However, since the start of this 2021, that number has shot up to over 2,500, with 1,900 of which being right wing passengers who refused to comply with the federal mask mandate.” Christie continued. “It’s become quite clear that we’ve given passengers far too much leeway while they are aboard our planes.” Christie stated. “To empower our employees, we’ve added fine print to all tickets clearly stating that Spirit Airlines workers have the right to tase passengers – at any time – mercilessly and without warning.” “If you refuse to wear a mask, you get tased,” Christie stated. “If you’re talking or not paying attention during the pre-flight safety briefing? Tased. Get out of your seat when the seatbelt sign is still lit up? Tased. Raising your voice? Tased. So much as look at us wrong. Tased.” Christie says Spirit Airlines estimates that they will make an additional $750 million in revenue from the new rule, as anyone who is tased will be required to pay a $5,000 fine per shock. Photo credit Marco Verch
Despite having already accumulated over $188 billion in wealth, an amendment has been added to legislation in the US Senate that will allow Jeff Bezos to receive another $10 billion from NASA — money that will most likely go directly toward his aerospace company Blue Origin. What do you think? Orig. main Photo credit Doc Searls
A poll released today revealed that 53% of Republicans firmly believe that Donald Trump is currently the real president of the United States. What’s more, another 63% say he should still run again in 2024. But if Trump were truly president right now that would mean that by 2024 he will have already used up his two terms, thus making him ineligible to run again. What do you think? Main photo credit Chad Davis
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