Vice President Mike Pence modeled the new version of the United States Space Force uniform for photographers today after the administration was deeply criticized for using camouflage uniforms for outer space missions. “These lightweight, durable, leather harness uniforms are sleek and form fitting, but non-restrictive,” Pence stated. “I’ve been wearing something similar for years, so I can attest to the craftsmanship.” Photo credit torbakhopper Advertisements
A class action lawsuits against restaurant chain Einstein Bros Bagels is claiming the restaurant discriminates based on penis size when hiring male employees. Several men reported that part of the interview process involved comparing hand and foot sizes with current male employees and having to answer questions like: “Is it the size of the boat, or the motion in the ocean?” As of press time the US Food Safety and Inspection Service was visiting Einsteins locations to make sure employees were wearing condoms while poking tiny holes in the bagels.
17-year old Brighton Phillips of Peoria, Arizona won an internship with NASA his senior year of high school and drove all the way to Goddard Space Flight Center in Maryland. On his first full day, Phillips was tasked with examining the brightness of a star through NASA’s Transiting Exoplanet Survey Satellite (TESS). Only one day into his internship, he discovered Heaven. After verifying Phillip’s work, NASA announced on their website the existence of Heaven and published a paper with the young man’s findings. “I just had to adjust the zoom and direction we were facing so we weren’t gazing into outer space. I looked just above Earth’s clouds and sure enough there was Heaven,” Phillips stated. “I first got the initial glimpse and thought, ‘Oh man, that looks so cool,’ but then when I looked at the full image, my lab mate and I noticed we were looking right at an old man, and he was naked.” According to NASA, Phillips then panned around and found that Heaven was mostly full of nude, elderly people. “No one was wearing any clothes and the average age was somewhere around 73,” Phillips confirmed. “So I guess we all have that to look forward to.”
In a measured, peaceful, yet offensive response to attacks on US troops in Iraq, president Trump ordered the Air Force to drop over a billion tons of bacon dust over Iran’s capital city of Tehran. “With pork being the only meat that absolutely may not be consumed by Muslims, we’ve made certain that everyone in that city has inhaled or ingested the crispy pig dust,” president Trump grinned. Photo credit Kevin Stanchfield
An elderly woman in Madison, Wisconsin named Margaret Newsome unknowingly spent the last seven years of her life living with a human who was dressed in a dog costume. Newsome’s family, who never visited her, became suspicious when several furries showed up to her funeral. The confirmation that something strange was going on came when the family later found multiple photos of the furry and Newsome framed in her house while they were going through her things. After days of investigation, authorities are still searching for their suspect and don’t have any leads. “The moral of the story here is call and spend time with your grandma,” Madison County Sheriff Doug Martin stated. “Or else there’s a decent chance that a stranger in a dog costume will.”
Recent studies reveal that nearly 20% of flight attendants saying they’ve received reports of passenger-on-passenger sexual assault on a flight and 68% have been sexually harassed themselves. If you’re keeping up with the times, you should already know that there are certain things men can no longer do with their genitals on an airplane. Here are 5 things that aren’t acceptable to do with your penis on a plane in 2020. 1. Although plastic stirrers and straws are frowned up in today’s green culture, never stir your drink with your penis while on a flight. 2. Don’t shave your balls on the tray table. Sometimes it’s hard to find time to check off personal care items from your to-do list, but creating multiple, mini-tumbleweeds of pubes that will fly throughout the cabin for the duration of the flight is frowned upon today. 3. Never dress your penis up as your emotional support pet by giving it a red vest and gluing hair, ears, and googly eyes to it and then proceed to pull your dick out on your lap and pet it. 4. Stir your neighbor’s drink. 5. Slap seated passengers in the face with your penis as you walk down the aisle to your seat.
Leaders of the United Methodist Church announced today that they’ve excommunicated all homophobic church members and clergy from the religious organization. “Followers who are concerned about what other people do with their genitals are welcome to start their own weird, little, bigoted religion,” Bishop Kenneth H. Carter stated. “We want no part of their thinly-veiled hatred for people who are different from them.” Hours later, excommunicated church members announced that they’ve already started the “Straight Power Methodist” denomination where self-loathing homosexuals are still welcome.