Sources are reporting that hundreds of fact checkers at news organizations around the world were abruptly let go from their jobs after White House Press Secretary Jen Psaki completed an entire briefing without lying once to the press. “With the previous administration, fact checkers typically spent hours analyzing questionable or outright ridiculous statements from just a single, 15-minute briefing,” MSNBC’s Rachel Maddow stated. “But today Press Secretary Psaki took to the podium for half an hour and didn’t even try to tell a single lie.” Meanwhile, Fox News personality Sean Hannity called the press conference “suspicious.” “It makes you wonder: what is the Biden administration’s endgame here?” a bewildered Hannity asked. “What exactly are they up to?”
Joe Biden has reportedly agreed to hire Elizabeth Warren to cleanse the White House with sage before moving in. The decision comes after Warren reached out to the Bidens yesterday, telling them that she was concerned the building needed “an authentic, Native American sage purification to get all of the toxic Trump energy out.” Photo Credit Gage Skidmore
Citing a lack of anonymity as being their primary mistake, countless arrested domestic terrorists who stormed the Capitol now say they regret not wearing white, pointy hoods like their grandparents had during riots past. “Collectively, we should have learned from our family histories about how this works,” accused terrorist Jake Chansley stated. “We should have stormed the Capitol while wearing hoods and robes, not horns and furs.” Indeed, countless insurrectionists now find themselves on the no-fly list, facing felonies, and very likely to be barred from voting or owning guns. “All of these arrests could have been avoided if we’d just embraced our grandparents’ fashion choices for such events,” Chansley stated. “My God. Have we learned nothing from history!?” As of press time, many of the arrested domestic terrorists were blaming president Trump for telling them what to do, but not how to go about getting away with it.
After months of back and forth over what to provide in a stimulus package for the American people, Congress has finally managed to pass a bill that will offer every family a pizza party and a free copy of Shrek 3. According to Senator Mitch McConnell, another option that Congress was considering included a coupon for free chips and guacamole at Chipotle. “Besides the free, authentic Mexican food we also toyed with the idea of simply sending a dildo with a letter telling Americans to go fuck themselves,” McConnell laughed. “And in the end that’s essentially what we’ve done here.” When pressed for details on the pizza party, McConnell admitted that they will just be sending a 15-count bag of Totino’s Pepperoni Pizza Rolls™ to citizens. Notably, McConnell says they will be sending out the pizza rolls despite lacking the funds to keep the food frozen. “If anything this will help starving families heat these delicious and nutritious morsels even faster,” McConnell smiled. “What a treat!”
The US Supreme Court issued a rare message to the general public today letting the country know that they’d “gladly take on an election case if there were any real [expletive] evidence of voter fraud.” “Although we have taken on countless controversial issues throughout this nation’s history – such as abortion and gay marriage – these election lawsuits have no standing. A trial can take place when there’s a shred of goddamned evidence, but it’s become clear that there isn’t any. Donald Trump should be ashamed of himself.” The nine justices then continued to shock the country by congratulating Joe Biden on his victory. “President Elect Joe Biden should be proud of the race he ran and his clear victory,” the letter read. “He’s been nothing but composed and compassionate in the face of utter buffoonery coming on a daily basis from Mr. Trump. As far as decorum goes, Donald Trump will not be missed. What an asshole.”
(Brookfield, WI) After overeating during her Thanksgiving meal with lots of friends and family, Grandma Gertrude Sullivan will nod off in her comfy recliner for a few hours in a food coma; like she does every year. Just a few days later, she’ll be taken to the hospital where she will test positive for COVID that’s traced back to Thanksgiving. She’ll be put on a ventilator. Not long thereafter, Grandma Sullivan will slip into an actual coma and die.