During a press conference at the Norfolk Navy Base today president Trump was asked by a reporter if he had a personal ventilator set aside for himself. The president surprised everyone with his answer. “You don’t have to be hit by a ventilator, literally, a ventilator, to know that answer Peter,” a visibly angry Trump said to the reporter. “Because the cost of losing me is too high. Without me the country is in trouble. Big, big trouble! So yeah, Peter, I’ve got a ventilator. I’ve got one for everyone but Tiffany and Eric. It wouldn’t work on them because they’re both mouth breathers. And I hope you never get one for asking ridiculous questions like this. Get lost! Get out of here with that crap Peter!” Advertisements
Members of Congress revealed today that they had forgotten to sign their insufficient joke of a stimulus bill with a sincere ‘Fuck You’ in order to make the document as transparent as possible. “With a few simple votes we will add the closing words of ‘Fuck You’ to the end of the stimulus bill, ensuring that all American citizens know exactly where we stand and what our intentions are,” Senator Mitch McConnell stated. “So to be clear, we’re sending billions to corporations and a one-time payment of $1,200 to some Americans. Or in other words, because it can’t be emphasized enough: our constituents and fellow countrymen can go right ahead and fuck off. Money and the economy are our God.”
Unable to maintain their signature haircut or find a manager to demand to speak to, Karens everywhere have completely lost control of the only aspects of their lives they ever had a handle on. “It’s bad out there folks. Karens are getting harder to identify as their hair grows out” Karen expert Ashley Kitchings stated. “So, if you do have to go outside, we recommend that you bring binoculars and keep at least shouting distance away from all potential Karens.” Citizens should also be aware of what they are wearing when they leave the house. “Absolutely under no circumstance should anyone ever wear khakis and a red shirt or you will be mistaken for a Target employee,” Kitchings stated. “In general khakis are a bad idea.” In addition to the shortage of managers and closed hair salons, Karens are now being bombarded with news about vaccines. “Karens are almost exclusively anti-vaxxers, so the coronavirus situation and talks of vaccines is driving them wild,” Kitchings stated. “They’re now deeply torn on the issue because on one hand they want to be right, but on the other they don’t want to die.” As of press time a “complaint of Karens” – the term for a large group of Karens – was headed toward a Kansas City Walmart to purchase and then angrily return items. Experts believe that it’s only a matter of time before Karens across the US find out that Walmarts, and several other stores, are still open.
(Ann Arbor, MI) Dressed in black and under the cover of darkness, the neighbors of Chad and Karen Seymour opened their hearts and supply rooms to donate $1,000 worth of toilet paper directly to the couple’s front lawn, porch, trees, roof, cars, and mailbox. “They truly deserved it,” one neighbor confirmed while speaking on condition of anonymity. “Couldn’t have happened to a nicer couple.” This morning the Mayor of Ann Arbor Christopher Taylor spoke out. “Our city is setting an example in creative giving,” Taylor stated. “We encourage everyone to share their supplies with neighbors in need. Even if they were complete assholes like the Seymor’s.”
Our Divine Creator who lives in the heavens finally lost His holy shit with the ungodly Hobby Lobby today after the company refused to close its doors during the pandemic; putting underpaid workers and customers at risk. As punishment, God gave owners David and Barbara Green the coronavirus. “First they did the birth control thing, then they purchased stolen ancient artifacts, and on top of that they loathe the gays,” God stated. “So Barbara might call herself the ‘prayer warrior’ of her family, and claim that she talks to me, but I just gave that heartless liar the coronavirus.”
(Moreno Valley, CA) Landlord Ed Stallword, who manages several Southern California duplexes, is being deemed a “creepy hero” after allowing his tenants to pay their monthly rent with a lock of hair. Residents say they find Stallword to be both kind-hearted and off-putting. “He refused to tell me what he was doing with my hair,” resident Ashley Reynolds stated. “But honestly I’m only slightly disgusted. Ed’s a real angel. An unpleasant, frightening angel.” Meanwhile, other landlords have followed Stallword’s lead, allowing for rent payments in the form of toenail clippings, dirty underwear, and pictures of feet.
Senator Lindsey Olin Graham, a Southern belle from the great state of South Carolina, suggested to the public today that they all head to the stables, hop on their favorite horse, and play a rousing game of polo. “A horseback mounted team sport is a simply marvelous way to pass the time during this unprecedented virus outbreak,” Graham stated while dabbing his brow with a handkerchief. “Polo is a wonderful game that allows all Americans to stay 6-feet apart while spending quality time with their horses and staying active.” Graham finished his speech by assuring Americans that their private polo clubs will remain open as long as he’s in Congress. The Senator then climbed aboard his stagecoach and rode away to his plantation.