US Steel fires 200 workers to celebrate success of Trump tariffs

US Steel, the nation’s second largest producer of steel, will be laying off over 200 employees as a way of celebrating the impacts of Trump’s tariffs. “We’re doing so well that we’ve fulfilled all the orders,” US Steel CEO David Burritt stated. “For the first time in our history we’re all caught up!” As part of the celebration, US Steel will have its 3,000-plus employees draw straws today to see who gets to go home early and permanently. Advertisements

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Moms are taking first day of school photos to mail to distant relatives for some reason

Unfettered by the conventions of social media and email, suburban Moms across the country snapped pictures of their kids’ first day of school to mail to every relative they can think of; making this the only known scenario in which mailing photos of underage children to strangers isn’t illegal. Photo credit Lesley Show

500 Planned Parenthood-Pizza Hut Express® chains are opening across the US

After announcing a new partnership with Planned Parenthood, PepsiCo. is temporarily closing over 500 Taco Bell – Pizza Hut Express® restaurants to renovate the establishments into Planned Parenthood – Pizza Hut Express® reproductive health and pizza chains. “We’ll be offering the full Pizza Hut menu, 24-hour drive-thru birth control pickup – and if you come inside – an assorted condom buffet,” Planned Parenthood President Cecile Richards stated. Pizza Hut drivers will also take care of birth control delivery with the company guaranteeing a 30-minute delivery or any resulting abortion is free. The new partnership comes with the slogan “We deliver so you don’t have to®.” Photo credit Mike Mozart

Medical Examiner rules Epstein’s death caused by asphyxiation during hot, gay prison sex

An official Medical Examiner report says that Jeffrey Epstein was strangled to death by a fellow inmate during incredibly hot, consensual erotic asphyxiation. “Although the two inmates did have a safe word, Epstein was unable to say it,” the report stated. “If he’d just managed to yell the phrase ‘help I’m being murdered’ this all could have been avoided.”

President Trump says he’ll exchange Puerto Rico for Greenland

After being reminded countless times that Puerto Rico is a part of the United States, president Trump has decided to trade the island for Greenland. “Puerto Rico can’t get their act together,” Trump stated. “So we’re going to swap it out for a nice, white, rich and pristine island. It has ‘green’ in the name, but it’s covered in ice. How about that folks!? Greenland, which is an autonomous country of the Kingdom of Denmark, says Trump can go ahead and fuck himself.

Trade War: China no longer shipping sex dolls to the United States

In the midst of the ongoing US-China trade war, China has announced that they will no longer be shipping sex dolls to the United States. Known for their hightech, lifelike robots, China will now force Americans to interact with other people in order to recreate a realistic, robotic sexual experience. The sex doll shipping ban has already started a popular trend among US citizens of speaking like an android during foreplay and then roleplaying as robots all the way to climax.

Trump: “We’re going to melt down the Statue of Liberty”

“The words on that statue are welcoming to criminals and lowlifes.”