WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a 6–3 decision along political lines, the Supreme Court ruled today that non-consensual cosmetic surgery on male infant genitals remains fully legal, “so long as it’s done before the child can talk, walk, or scream ‘No!’”

“This isn’t about bodily autonomy, or science,” said Justice Gorsuch. “Circumcision is about preserving parents’ sacred right to permanently remove healthy genital tissue from their child in the name of religious tradition.”

The ruling arrives just hours after the same court upheld state bans on lifesaving gender-affirming care prescribed by doctors for transgender teens, arguing that minors are “too young to make irreversible decisions.”

When asked about the apparent contradiction between the rulings, Justice Kavanaugh stated:

“It’s not about age or consent or saving lives. It’s about tradition. This is religion-affirming care.”

Medical professionals and human rights groups condemned the ruling, pointing out the inconsistency.

“So let me get this straight,” said Dr. Lena Morales. “You can surgically mutilate a baby’s genitals for religious or aesthetic reasons, but a 17-year-old can’t take doctor-prescribed medication that could literally save their life? What century is this?”

As of press time, the Supreme Court’s conservative majority released a statement clarifying that “unless you’re a fetus, bodily autonomy is not a constitutional right, but more of a vibe.”