Hard seltzer brands are enjoying what’s being called ‘The Summer of Seltzer’ as millions of barbaric Americans have come to terms with the fact that they don’t deserve nice things. These tasteless people have purchased so much of the carbonated-piss-water that there’s even a shortage of the borderline-flavorless White Claw brand. “Basic bitches are realizing that they don’t deserve anything more than a can of bubbly downers with vague suggestions of flavor,” White Claw CEO Anthony von Mandl stated. “In an otherwise bland world of blah bullshit, White Claw offers a nearly undetectable tinge of taste that still manages to be brighter than your tragic, pointless life.”
The state of Michigan passed sweeping legislation today banning the sale of flavored alcohol and vape products. The state claims that the flavors encourage smoking and drinking among minors. “There’s growing evidence that flavored products could have negative health impacts,” Michigan Governor Gretchen Whitmer stated during a morning address while lighting a cigarette and pouring a tall glass of straight Jack Daniels. “Behind the candy taste is a product that hooks kids and adults alike,” Whitmer stated while blowing billowing smoke rings. “It’s a public health crisis.” The state says it doesn’t plan to outlaw regular-flavored drugs until lawmakers are no longer using them. Photo credit Vangoghvodkagreece
Warren says the two are inseparable.
“I saw the whole thing. Very odd, very sad.” – Senator Bernie Sanders
“This alcohol-infused breakfast beverage is the perfect way to start your workday or end your marriage.”
“We’re just going to burn the alcohol-laced vomit off like every year, that’s where the city gets its signature smell.” – Chicago Gov. J.B. Pritzker
“Kavanaugh needs a liver by Christmas and the Democrats don’t give a lick!” – Senator Lindsey Graham
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