It’s the most productive day of the year: National Cocaine Day! Celebrated the first Wednesday of December, the US Labor Department says the holiday typically produces six times the normal work output. To mark the day, a fast-talking, wide-eyed president Trump delivered an energetic, rambling speech before inviting Mike Pence to snort a line of coke out of his ass crack on national television. “I’m going to drop ’em Mike!” Trump yelled while tugging down on his pants.” Before a bright red and sweaty Pence could reluctantly decline the offer, Trump had already yanked his pants off on the White House’s West Lawn; exposing his lightly soiled, off-white underwear. Advertisements
Vicks announced the release of their new DayTrippin’ formula today at their Denver, Colorado headquarters. The first-of-its-kind medicine, which causes intense hallucinations, is now available over the counter. The medicine is legal to sell in Denver because residents approved an ordinance decriminalizing psilocybin back in May. “If you’ve ever been sick, but still wanted to feel incredibly fucking fantastic, then Vicks has the answer for you: all-new Vicks Daytrippin’ formula,” CEO Dan Waverly stated. “This fast-acting, psilocybin-laced cough syrup has everything you need if you’re looking to experience altered consciousness, clear up congestion, quiver from intense euphoria and ego death, relieve sinus pressure, and enjoy the sensation of flight all at the same time.”
The state of Michigan passed sweeping legislation today banning the sale of flavored alcohol and vape products. The state claims that the flavors encourage smoking and drinking among minors. “There’s growing evidence that flavored products could have negative health impacts,” Michigan Governor Gretchen Whitmer stated during a morning address while lighting a cigarette and pouring a tall glass of straight Jack Daniels. “Behind the candy taste is a product that hooks kids and adults alike,” Whitmer stated while blowing billowing smoke rings. “It’s a public health crisis.” The state says it doesn’t plan to outlaw regular-flavored drugs until lawmakers are no longer using them. Photo credit Vangoghvodkagreece
Authorities in Denver, Colorado say that they’re encouraging the legal use of psychedelic mushrooms in order to study how people who are on the drug interact in public spaces. “We don’t know what’s going to happen, but we’re opening up the area next month,” Governor Jared Polis stated. “So, come to Denver – eat a bunch of mushroom caps – and just touch a stranger’s face for awhile. You probably won’t regret it.” The designated drug use area begins downtown at the 16th Street Mall and spreads out to however far someone can walk while tripping balls for eight hours. Support the Author
Authorities list gunpowder, Sudafed, oregano, ammonium nitrate fertilizer, paint thinner and celery salt as some of the ingredients.
“It’s hard to keep the kids clean and the depression buried deep, deep down inside. Purell lets you do both.”
“I picked up the sweet, floral tones of South Colombian cocaine and the chemical aura of John Frieda’s Luxurious Volume Forever Full Hairspray for Fine Wigs.” – Joe Biden