The manufacturer of cocaine released a brief statement today cutting ties with their now-former spokesperson Donald Trump Jr. “We stand for responsible use of cocaine. A bump here, a line there. You know, a rail every once in awhile,” the statement read. “But not this! Not whatever this sad mess is. It’s far too much. We sincerely wish Don Jr. the best in his future endeavors.”
A recent study by Princeton University comparing George W. Bush and Donald J. Trump to former, non-drug-addicted presidents definitively shows that the United States would have been better off electing someone who was sober and less racist. “We found that a president who uses cocaine and alcohol like Bush is just as detrimental to a country’s wellbeing as a president who is riddled with Adderall, like Trump,” researcher Susan Garrity stated. “Additionally, the results show that people who aren’t blinded by racism make for much better leaders – such as President Obama.” “Having said this, we do not recommend that president Trump get sober as he would become – somehow – much worse of a person than he already is as he goes through withdrawal symptoms,” Garrity stated. “Once sober, Trump would then be searching for his next addiction to fill the void and keep him occupied. This could very well mean the proper execution of many of his plans, which would only work to further harm the country. A sober Trump would be even more deadly.”
Woke Methamphetamine user Greg Simms of Mobile, Alabama, and tens of thousands of drug users around the world, are refusing to use meth made with Pfizer’s Advil Cold & Sinus. The movement comes in response to the company’s direct role in the opioid epidemic in which Pfizer maliciously funneled Oxycontin through skeezy doctors for years; contributing to countless deaths. “As a result of Pfizer’s actions, meth users everywhere have made the conscious decision to ethically source our ingredients from Pfizer’s competitor Johnson & Johnson,” a nearly toothless Simms stated. “Plus, it’s worth noting that Sudafed is toxin-free, so you get a smooth, zero-guilt hit every time.” As of press time, Johnson & Johnson stock was up 11% – completely offsetting last weeks plummet after it was discovered that their baby powder can cause cancer.
It’s the most productive day of the year: National Cocaine Day! Celebrated the first Wednesday of December, the US Labor Department says the holiday typically produces six times the normal work output. To mark the day, a fast-talking, wide-eyed president Trump delivered an energetic, rambling speech before inviting Mike Pence to snort a line of coke out of his ass crack on national television. “I’m going to drop ’em Mike!” Trump yelled while tugging down on his pants.” Before a bright red and sweaty Pence could reluctantly decline the offer, Trump had already yanked his pants off on the White House’s West Lawn; exposing his lightly soiled, off-white underwear.
Vicks announced the release of their new DayTrippin’ formula today at their Denver, Colorado headquarters. The first-of-its-kind medicine, which causes intense hallucinations, is now available over the counter. The medicine is legal to sell in Denver because residents approved an ordinance decriminalizing psilocybin back in May. “If you’ve ever been sick, but still wanted to feel incredibly fucking fantastic, then Vicks has the answer for you: all-new Vicks Daytrippin’ formula,” CEO Dan Waverly stated. “This fast-acting, psilocybin-laced cough syrup has everything you need if you’re looking to experience altered consciousness, clear up congestion, quiver from intense euphoria and ego death, relieve sinus pressure, and enjoy the sensation of flight all at the same time.”
The state of Michigan passed sweeping legislation today banning the sale of flavored alcohol and vape products. The state claims that the flavors encourage smoking and drinking among minors. “There’s growing evidence that flavored products could have negative health impacts,” Michigan Governor Gretchen Whitmer stated during a morning address while lighting a cigarette and pouring a tall glass of straight Jack Daniels. “Behind the candy taste is a product that hooks kids and adults alike,” Whitmer stated while blowing billowing smoke rings. “It’s a public health crisis.” The state says it doesn’t plan to outlaw regular-flavored drugs until lawmakers are no longer using them. Photo credit Vangoghvodkagreece
Authorities in Denver, Colorado say that they’re encouraging the legal use of psychedelic mushrooms in order to study how people who are on the drug interact in public spaces. “We don’t know what’s going to happen, but we’re opening up the area next month,” Governor Jared Polis stated. “So, come to Denver – eat a bunch of mushroom caps – and just touch a stranger’s face for awhile. You probably won’t regret it.” The designated drug use area begins downtown at the 16th Street Mall and spreads out to however far someone can walk while tripping balls for eight hours. Support the Author