Johnson & Johnson is introducing the product after research proved that about 87% of parents were looking for ways to “get back at their babies” – in a fairly harmless way – for the countless sleepless nights, spit-ups, disgusting diapers, nasty farts and constant fussing.”
Mr. Cox has locked Eric Trump in the White House’s cold storage room next to the bowling alley in an attempt to show that air pollution does not harm humans.
Pope Francis’ adult book is entitled ‘The Divinci Load.’
“If you’re banned you’ll be relocated to a garbage island off the coast of New Jersey.” – Nancy Pelosi
“It’s convoluted as [expletive]!” Senator Bernie Sanders stated. “The document obsesses over mechanical pencils and references outdated world news without context, but oddly enough everything ‘Trump’ now makes sense.”
“The $85 billion we save a year will go toward green energy, education, infrastructure and ending homelessness in America.”
Trump said that the new complex would be “an experiment representing a new approach for overhauling the prison system and has nothing to do with Michael Cohen’s testimony.”
“The goal here is to analyze the memory-erasing technology used in the film and then build, disperse and use the devices in every congregation around the world,” Pope Francis stated.
A White House official has confirmed that President Trump plans to declare a National Emergency on Friday in order to both fund the border wall and melt down the Statue of Liberty to use as construction material. “The President is making a smart move here by using materials that we already have available to lower […]
“Oakley’s actions have thrown open the closet doors for individuals who are aroused by licking things to claim them as their own,”
“The letter went on in vivid detail describing the painting process, preferred makeup brands, how to wash mascara out of your underwear, and more.”
“If this will lift the curse from constructing Arrowhead Stadium on an Indian burial ground, then we’re willing to let it slide.” – Chiefs CEO Clark Hunt
Early reports confirm Trump stars in the film as Ronald Klump, an “incredibly-relatable, African American Trump supporter who ventures on a mission to get Mexico to pay for the wall.”
Gillette says they intend to replace the marketing team with all female, yet conservative employees “so both sides shut up.”
“We’re giving new mothers 24 hours off, 8 of which will be paid. That leaves plenty of time for doing Kegels.”
South Carolina Governor Henry McMaster announced today that he will be performing the national anthem before the Super Bowl utilizing only his anus. Known for being outspoken – having demanded that everyone stand for the national anthem – McMaster says he’s been practicing for years and can ‘hit every note, low and high.’ In response […]
We’re leaning toward ‘acting just like all of you fucking assholes.’
Scott Walker will now have to flush his system of illegal substances in order to qualify for unemployment assistance.
Garten has been raising her own humans for consumption in a coop next to her garden.
Melania’s emails have been released to the public in an act of transparency.
Sarah Huckabee Sanders would neither confirm nor deny the claims.