Scientists at the World Health Organization who normally study microplastics have shifted their research to larger macroplastics after millions of Americans have admitted to eating their credit cards. “We cannot stress this enough,” head researcher Franz Blankenmann stated, “eating your maxed-out credit card does not forgive the balance owed.” At this point scientists estimate the average US citizen is ingesting 290 grams of macroplastic per year and experts have no idea what harm it may cause. Advertisements
Scientists at Harvard University have found a direct correlation between happiness and intelligence that proves that the smiliest people you know are probably also the dumbest. The tests were conducted on over 2,000 subjects with the study taking place over the course of three years. “We’ve discovered hyper-rapid serotonin production that is only found in people with low IQs. In other words, it doesn’t take much to make an idiot smile,” Head Researcher Bryan Scoff glared. “It is my sincerest hope – that because of these findings – that absolutely nobody is happy anymore.” Next, scientists say they plan to ruin the concept of love and then move on to destroy any semblance of happiness that may remain after that.
“As the AX-570 android referred to as “Barron” appeared to grow in its capacity to feel, perceive, and experience subjectivity, the android’s aggression toward president Trump grew exponentially.”
Scientists say that everyone’s genetic activity is measurable and that soon devices will be able to scan people and determine just how gay they are.
A tribe of at least 1,200 gigantic Amazonian women has fled into Brazil’s cities in order to escape unbelievably massive rainforest fires that have been burning for three weeks. The invasion of oversized woman left most Brazilians shocked, intrigued or aroused. Many of the towering women, who are all at least 8-feet tall, have already signed lucrative WNBA and modeling contracts. “It’s great that these women have integrated into our society so quickly because we have no plans to stop this fire,” Brazilian President Jair Bolsonaro stated. The Amazon, which provides 20% of the planet’s oxygen, will likely burn up completely in the coming weeks.
A recent study by the scientific journal Intelligence shows that people with high IQs are more likely to suffer from mental anxiety and hyper-reactive central nervous systems. What do you think? -Sharon Jenkins, Anger Management Coach – Jarret Zewinski, Learning Disabilities Specialist -Leonard Steiner, Stock Broker, Psychic Source
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