Jeff Bezos announced today that he will be flying to outer space next month on Blue Origin’s New Shepard Rocket in order to “get a better look at Earth” before deciding if he wants to buy it. The flight, which will take place on July 20th, will be the final deciding factor in whether or not our planet will be owned by one man. “I can’t wait for the launch when I’ll see all of the humans looking like the ants they are – and then disappearing – all while I look down on everyone like the God that I am,” Bezos grinned while steepling his hands. “You know. I want to see if it feels right. Kick the tires and check her out. Plus, There’s always other planets if I don’t like what I see.” Bezos’ released flight schedule also shows him spending time setting up an off-planet tax shelter and relaxing as far away as possible from his ex-wife. Original Photo credit Daniel Oberhaus
Scientists have discovered that the former planet of Pluto has yet to complete an orbit since it was demoted to a dwarf planet in August of 2006. Many experts now say that Pluto is suffering from a phenomenon called perturbed planetary syndrome. “To be honest, we all stopped paying attention to Pluto after the classification was changed,” head researcher Sandra Michell stated. “Then, when we went back to look at its orbital progress again last week, we were all stunned.” Indeed, Pluto is clearly not taking the rejection and demotion very well. “Recent research shows that Pluto just completely gave up right around the time we removed it from the official list of planets. Ever since then it’s been drifting listlessly in outer space,” Michell confirmed. Since the discovery, scientists have tried broadcasting motivational speeches, tempting the dwarf planet with money, and even decreasing expectations for how quickly Pluto has to complete an orbit. So far nothing has worked.
A loud minority of Americans are currently refusing to be injected with the COVID vaccine due to unfounded concerns that the shots will change their DNA. “Despite the fact that mRNA vaccines do not impact or interact with your DNA in any way, a portion of Americans are protesting the COVID vaccine due to fear that it will alter their DNA,” virologist Nancy Mundy stated. “Ironically, it’s the same people who believe this bullshit that would benefit from some major changes to their DNA.” “The fact of the matter is that mRNA never enters the nucleus of the cell, much like how scientific facts cannot enter the thick skulls of these ill-informed individuals,” Mundy concluded. Meanwhile, another subset of Americans that have received the vaccine are now incredibly upset that they haven’t acquired any superpowers.
A new study by the University of Oxford shows that oleandrin, a deadly poison extract from the oleander plant, is just as effective at curing COVID-19 as smothering someone to death with a MyPillow®. The news comes just days after president Trump pushed the extract as a cure for the coronavirus. Oxford says that their sizable study, which included 5,125 patients and had a 100% mortality rate, has conclusively proven that oleandrin has the same impact on COVID-19 patients as grabbing a MyPillow®, shoving it down on a person’s face, and holding it there until they stop moving. “Half of the patients in our study were poisoned with oleandrin, the other half were suffocated by a MyPillow®. Sadly, everyone died,” researcher Yuri Reznick confirmed. Upon hearing the news, president Trump praised the study. “Can you believe it? The science shows oleandrin works just as well as best-selling sleep accessory the MyPillow®! With millions of these pillows having been sold across the country, there’s no reason why you shouldn’t welcome oleandrin into your household today!” As of press time, fed-up scientists across the globe were in agreement that this was the last time they’d be saving the president’s supporters from killing themselves due to Trump’s baseless, deadly medical advice.
Photo Credit Daniel Lobo
“We estimate that the president stopped caring about the English language at, or around, the 4th grade.”
White House Press Secretary Kayleigh McEnany shocked the press today when she accidentally acknowledged that science does in fact exist, but that it shouldn’t impact the decisions the nation makes during the pandemic. “A little thing called ‘science’ should not stand in the way of school openings. All that scientists have are ‘hypothesis’ – which are just guesses,” McEnany stated. “So of course we can open schools, everyone else in the western world – all of our peer nations – are doing it!” Despite the fact that McEnany is completely wrong, and that the United States is doing far worse at handling the pandemic than other first world countries, nobody in the stunned-silent press could muster a single question after she uttered the word “science.” Photo credit Cezary p