“You can rest assured that somewhere, in an existing but undetectable universe, another version of you is out there having a meaningful, fulfilling life.”
An executive order from the desk of President Trump has put an end to genetically-modified, cyborg baby programs.
“Genetically-speaking the lineage has certain characteristics that really stand out; such as having categorically unpleasant hair and personalities.” – 23andMe CEO Anne Wojcicki
“Science has confirmed that you all can shut the [expletive] up about it.”
“At least 87% of lotion used by men is vigorously rubbed on less than 1% of their bodies.”
“Sagittarius (11/22 – 12/21) – You are feeling ecstatic and delighted inside – creating a real impact on those around you. Just go along with your…”
“Who cares if you can’t wash the smell off, you’ve saved an orangutan!”
“We know it is hard for Mr. McConnell to have to abort the bill right here on the Senate floor, but Democrats are truly supportive of the decision.”
“Contrary to popular belief, fingerlike appendages do not exit the butt and press on the phone screen, that’s poop you’re thinking of.”
“Now it looks like we’re going to have to burn off about 16 square miles of mature opium crop. So if you live in the area, buckle the [expletive] up on Saturday.”
“My dreams became littered with terrifying sex monsters that attacked my lesbian lover Barb.” – Elizabeth Warren
“If friendship and odors don’t matter to you, then you could really get in great shape.”
“I’m sorry. I didn’t get that,” Siri apologized as a wide-eyed Cook choked on a chunk of the XS Max.
“Eggland’s Best apologizes if we’ve torn apart any families because of our gay eggs.”
Johnson & Johnson is introducing the product after research proved that about 87% of parents were looking for ways to “get back at their babies” – in a fairly harmless way – for the countless sleepless nights, spit-ups, disgusting diapers, nasty farts and constant fussing.”
“I can tell you how the world ends right now. We fart ourselves to death.” – Stanford Professor Böse Blahung
Mr. Cox has locked Eric Trump in the White House’s cold storage room next to the bowling alley in an attempt to show that air pollution does not harm humans.
“Unless Redbox starts squeezing out moist, two-year-old prosciutto with every DVD, I have no idea how they’re going to compete with this.”
“The geriatric cyborgs have two convenient USB ports allowing customers to charge their phones,” Walmart CEO Doug McMillon stated.
“I have never been more turned on in my life.” – Juliet Moore, Bernie Sanders Supporter
“We estimate that the president stopped caring about the English language at, or around, the 4th grade.”
“This lengthy, intricate study was conducted by the folks at the Harvard Center for Brain Science and incorporated proven Penis Responsiveness Technology (PRT) and Brainwave Function Reading (BFR) from leading scientists from the Biomimetic Robotics Lab at MIT.”
“The goal here is to analyze the memory-erasing technology used in the film and then build, disperse and use the devices in every congregation around the world,” Pope Francis stated.
“It’s sad to think how much we could have achieved if we hadn’t installed so much BDSM programming.”
“I think that my aunt needing 57 stitches in the buttcheeks and rectal region is a strong selling point for the product.” – Kholer President & CEO
The 1,750 calorie meal has made its return for the month of February only.
“You can expect your loved ones to land safely; with only minor amputations being necessary.”
“I’ve been calling it ‘Global Warming,’ but that’s just a trick folks; a term I use to make snowball jokes. My God, I’m so stupid.”
“Simply put, Apple has accidentally created a shortcut through spacetime.”
“It will sound like an airplane is taking off inside of the user’s vagina,” iBort creator Justin Swartzky stated.