COVID-19 Denier Now Permanently 6 Feet Away From Everyone

Photo Credit Daniel Lobo

Trump’s High School Revokes GED

YouReadyGrandma

“We estimate that the president stopped caring about the English language at, or around, the 4th grade.”

White House Stuns Press By Accidentally Acknowledging Existence of Science

YouReadyGrandma

White House Press Secretary Kayleigh McEnany shocked the press today when she accidentally acknowledged that science does in fact exist, but that it shouldn’t impact the decisions the nation makes during the pandemic. “A little thing called ‘science’ should not stand in the way of school openings. All that scientists have are ‘hypothesis’ – which are just guesses,” McEnany stated. “So of course we can open schools, everyone else in the western world – all of our peer nations – are doing it!” Despite the fact that McEnany is completely wrong, and that the United States is doing far worse at handling the pandemic than other first world countries, nobody in the stunned-silent press could muster a single question after she uttered the word “science.” Photo credit Cezary p

Hamster That Swapped Brains With Dr. Ben Carson in 2015 Supports Joe Biden, Black Lives Matter

YouReadyGrandma

An adorable hamster that has housed the real brain of Ben Carson since a failed 2015 experiment came forward today to voice support for Joe Biden and Black Lives Matter. The hamster, which according to all leading scientists is Ben Carson, showed its support for Biden and the cause by slapping two small bumper stickers and a paw-made ‘Black Lives Matter’ sign on a pair of the doctor’s old glasses and posing for photographs. Notably, legal experts say that the hamster brain currently operating Ben Carson’s human body has been allowed to roam freely – saying and doing whatever it wants – because there aren’t any laws on the books that deal with such a circumstance. “Although Dr. Carson doesn’t have any legal recourse against the actions of the hamster controlling his real body’s every thought and action, we’re doing everything we can to preserve his First Amendment right to free speech by providing him with this photo shoot today,” a representative from Carson’s office stated.

Astronauts ‘Just Happy to Leave Earth Before Everything Goes to Hell’

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Medical Experts Recommend Staying at Least 6 Channels Away From Fox News

YouReadyGrandma

A group of over 200 immunology experts from around the world released a letter today begging Americans to “keep a safe distance of at least six channels from Fox News.” The letter listed several reasons for for the warning. “Fox News has repeatedly misinformed its viewers on the facts surrounding the coronavirus. Today, an alarmingly high number of Fox News viewers believe that the COVID-19 death toll is falsely inflated, that opening the states back up prematurely won’t cause a second wave, and that face masks do not need to be worn.” The letter continued. “What’s more, the news channel advocated for the use of hydroxychloroquine; a drug that proved to increase mortality rates. This deadly reporting decision alone should be enough to question the news channel’s legitimacy. In fact, Fox News viewers are consistently found to be the least informed.” The letter concluded by recommending that viewers take a break from the channel and read up on what actual experts have been saying about COVID-19. “We’re not saying that CNN or MSNBC are perfect or without bias, we’re just letting Fox News viewers know that their main source of information is incredibly misleading and making this entire situation much, much worse,” the letter read. “Maybe try reading a reputable medical journal for once.” In response to the letter, Fox News personality Sean Hannity fired back calling the vast majority of scientists “liars and frauds,” stating that having an educational background and expertise in a subject “doesn’t mean that you know anything about anything.” “We can make stuff up too!” Hannity stated. “In fact we do it every single day.” Photo Credit Johnny Silvercloud

Scientists Preemptively Warn Against Sticking Your Head in the Oven

YouReadyGrandma

In the wake of Donald Trump suggesting that we inject people with disinfectants to kill the coronavirus during his daily address, scientists have gone ahead and preemptively issued a warning against turning your oven on and then sticking your head right in. “What we’re doing here is trying to cover all of our bases before Mr. Trump proposes another potentially fatal solution for COVID-19. The heat from the oven will not kill the virus before it has already killed you.” head of the US Center for Science Paul Higgins stated. “We’re also going to go ahead and warn against shining UV lights directly into your eyes or inserting flashlights into your rectum. We’ll be issuing more warnings as we come up with them.” The Center for Science also said it would be taking suggestions for new warnings from the general public. “No idea is too stupid at this point,” Higgins stated. “Just send your warnings our way and we’ll announce them to the nation.”

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