Morgues Prepare For Onslaught of Corpses Killed by Daylight Savings Time

YouReadyGrandma

Morgues across the United States are preparing for the next three days of death and carnage as Daylight Savings Time (DST) is upon us once again. The annual extreme spike in American deaths was first directly linked to DST by a Swedish study in 2008 which found that the chances of having a heart attack goes way up in the first three weekdays after changing over to DST in spring. “Not only are the number of heart attacks tripled, but the time change is also responsible for a sizable increase in traffic deaths on the following Monday,” mortician Gregory Daines grinned. “On top of this, there are more severe workplace injuries and unfortunate miscarriages in the days following the start of Daylight Savings Time.” “It’s a great time of year to be in the death business,” Daines stated while steepling his fingers. “Hopefully I’ll make enough money to take a trip to somewhere outside of my basement this year, and maybe have a morgue-arita or three.” Advertisements

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How do I get this out? Your guide to blood removal with Clorox bleach

YouReadyGrandma

A blood stain is one of the most challenging stains to remove from your floors. This week we’ll be teaching you how to remove blood from your hardwood or linoleum floor using Totally Spot-Less Bleach powered by Clorox 2®. Step 1: Begin by mopping up the pools of blood. Step 2: Pour Totally Spot-Less Bleach powered by Clorox 2® onto the blood stain. Let it sit for 15 to 20 minutes. The stain should disappear. Take this time to wipe up any splattered blood that may have sprayed onto nearby cabinetry if it happened in the kitchen or bathroom. Step 3: Move the body out of the way if it’s covering up any excess blood and repeat steps one and two. Step 4: Remove and burn your clothing.

Alarming: Most Americans have no plan for when they aren’t raptured

YouReadyGrandma

Although most Americans admit they aren’t worthy of going to Heaven, the vast majority also say that they haven’t made a plan for when they inevitably become God’s leftovers. What do you think?

Officials warn liberals that a 2nd active Koch Brother is still at large

YouReadyGrandma

Those on the left are being told to stay indoors after public officials warned of a second active Koch brother. “Although one threat has been neutralized, there’s still another bad man reeking havoc on the country,” Joe Biden stated. The second brother has been identified as Charles G. Koch and is considered by authorities to be armed and cantankerous. “We could pass laws to protect ourselves from people like the Koch brothers, but that would require effort. So we’ll just wait for that old bastard to die,” a 76 year old Joe Biden stated. Artwork by DonkeyHotey

Millennials are burying their parents with the participation trophies they didn’t ask for

YouReadyGrandma

It’s a smart way to recycle while also saying ‘Thanks for playing the game of life! You certainly didn’t win, Sharon, but here’s a fucking trophy.’

Most of Country Keeping Flags at Half-Staff to Save on Labor Costs

YouReadyGrandma

“With the amount of mass shootings we’re having, it’s not unreasonable to expect savings of around $4,500 a year.”

Japan Resumes Hunting of Overweight Citizens After 30-Year Ban

YouReadyGrandma

Japan will resume the commercial killing of overweight citizens in an effort to curb the population of the island and supplement dwindling soybean supplies.

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