Category: Death
FL Gov. To Host Huge Event To Figure Out Why His Supporters Keep Dying
Florida Governor Ron DeSantis’ approval rating hit an all time low today as more and more of his followers continued to die off. In response to the latest numbers, DeSantis plans to host a town hall with his supporters to … Continue reading FL Gov. To Host Huge Event To Figure Out Why His Supporters Keep Dying
Trump Releases His Own Brand Of Vaccine; Millions Die Of Snake Oil Poisoning
Former president Donald Trump announced his “own brand” of vaccine today that was immediately rejected by the scientific community after being identified as literal snake oil. Despite what experts are saying, millions of Republicans have lined up to take the … Continue reading Trump Releases His Own Brand Of Vaccine; Millions Die Of Snake Oil Poisoning
US Heatwave Subsides As Gates Of Hell Finally Close Behind Donald Rumsfeld
The Gates of Hell are finally closing after several days of being left wide open while demons attempted to drag Donald Rumsfeld into the fiery pits of hell. Because the gates were left open for so long, the extreme temperatures … Continue reading US Heatwave Subsides As Gates Of Hell Finally Close Behind Donald Rumsfeld
Rush Limbaugh Forever Trapped in ‘Rush Limbo’ After Devil & God Both Refuse To Take Him
Conservative extremist and radio shock jock Rush Limbaugh passed away today and has now been placed in his own personal limbo, indefinitely. The decision comes after both God and the Devil refused to take him. “He certainly doesn’t belong here,” … Continue reading Rush Limbaugh Forever Trapped in ‘Rush Limbo’ After Devil & God Both Refuse To Take Him
Grandma’s Food Coma Followed By Actual Coma, Death This Thanksgiving
(Brookfield, WI) After overeating during her Thanksgiving meal with lots of friends and family, Grandma Gertrude Sullivan will nod off in her comfy recliner for a few hours in a food coma; like she does every year. Just a few … Continue reading Grandma’s Food Coma Followed By Actual Coma, Death This Thanksgiving
Study Shows Oleandrin Cures COVID Just as Effectively as Smothering Someone to Death with a MyPillow®
A new study by the University of Oxford shows that oleandrin, a deadly poison extract from the oleander plant, is just as effective at curing COVID-19 as smothering someone to death with a MyPillow®. The news comes just days after … Continue reading Study Shows Oleandrin Cures COVID Just as Effectively as Smothering Someone to Death with a MyPillow®
Heaven: 170,000 COVID Victims Protest God For Taking Wrong Trump
(The Astral Plane) Tensions are running high in Heaven tonight as the 170,000+ Americans who have died from COVID-19 are protesting God for taking the wrong Trump. Authorities say the protests, which are being led by the late father of … Continue reading Heaven: 170,000 COVID Victims Protest God For Taking Wrong Trump
Are Masks Safe?: Choking Deaths Quadruple as Americans Forget to Remove Masks Before Eating
Over 22,400 Americans have choked to death in 2020 – more than four times the yearly average. Experts say the cause is an uptick in less intelligent Americans finally agreeing to wear masks and then forgetting to remove them before … Continue reading Are Masks Safe?: Choking Deaths Quadruple as Americans Forget to Remove Masks Before Eating
COVID-19 Denier Now Permanently 6 Feet Away From Everyone
Photo Credit Daniel Lobo Continue reading COVID-19 Denier Now Permanently 6 Feet Away From Everyone
Marco Rubio: ‘Wait, Don’t All Black People Look Alike?’
Senator Marco Rubio really stepped in it today when he posted a terribly-executed tribute to deceased civil rights leader John Lewis and followed it up with a strange, racist tirade on Twitter. In a since-deleted tweet, Rubio shared a photo … Continue reading Marco Rubio: ‘Wait, Don’t All Black People Look Alike?’
Death Row Inmate Kicked Out of Prison For Refusing to Wear a Mask
57-year-old death row inmate and serial killer Kyle Perklans was forcibly removed from the Louisiana State Penitentiary today after refusing to follow the institution’s mask guidelines. Perklans, who was scheduled to die from lethal injection on Saturday night, is now … Continue reading Death Row Inmate Kicked Out of Prison For Refusing to Wear a Mask
10 Reasons Why 73% of Millennials Are Totally Okay With Dying, Like Literally Right Now
A Gallop poll on happiness was released today that shows more than 70% of millennials are “totally okay with dying, like literally right now.” Here are the top 10 reasons that were given by participants: 10) Can’t afford health insurance … Continue reading 10 Reasons Why 73% of Millennials Are Totally Okay With Dying, Like Literally Right Now
Morgues Prepare For Onslaught of Corpses Killed by Daylight Savings Time
Morgues across the United States are preparing for the next three days of death and carnage as Daylight Savings Time (DST) is upon us once again. The annual extreme spike in American deaths was first directly linked to DST by … Continue reading Morgues Prepare For Onslaught of Corpses Killed by Daylight Savings Time
How do I get this out? Your guide to blood removal with Clorox bleach
A blood stain is one of the most challenging stains to remove from your floors. This week we’ll be teaching you how to remove blood from your hardwood or linoleum floor using Totally Spot-Less Bleach powered by Clorox 2®. Step … Continue reading How do I get this out? Your guide to blood removal with Clorox bleach
Alarming: Most Americans have no plan for when they aren’t raptured
Although most Americans admit they aren’t worthy of going to Heaven, the vast majority also say that they haven’t made a plan for when they inevitably become God’s leftovers. What do you think? Continue reading Alarming: Most Americans have no plan for when they aren’t raptured
Officials warn liberals that a 2nd active Koch Brother is still at large
Those on the left are being told to stay indoors after public officials warned of a second active Koch brother. “Although one threat has been neutralized, there’s still another bad man reeking havoc on the country,” Joe Biden stated. The … Continue reading Officials warn liberals that a 2nd active Koch Brother is still at large
Millennials are burying their parents with the participation trophies they didn’t ask for
It’s a smart way to recycle while also saying ‘Thanks for playing the game of life! You certainly didn’t win, Sharon, but here’s a fucking trophy.’ Continue reading Millennials are burying their parents with the participation trophies they didn’t ask for