A new study by the University of Oxford shows that oleandrin, a deadly poison extract from the oleander plant, is just as effective at curing COVID-19 as smothering someone to death with a MyPillow®. The news comes just days after president Trump pushed the extract as a cure for the coronavirus. Oxford says that their sizable study, which included 5,125 patients and had a 100% mortality rate, has conclusively proven that oleandrin has the same impact on COVID-19 patients as grabbing a MyPillow®, shoving it down on a person’s face, and holding it there until they stop moving. “Half of the patients in our study were poisoned with oleandrin, the other half were suffocated by a MyPillow®. Sadly, everyone died,” researcher Yuri Reznick confirmed. Upon hearing the news, president Trump praised the study. “Can you believe it? The science shows oleandrin works just as well as best-selling sleep accessory the MyPillow®! With millions of these pillows having been sold across the country, there’s no reason why you shouldn’t welcome oleandrin into your household today!” As of press time, fed-up scientists across the globe were in agreement that this was the last time they’d be saving the president’s supporters from killing themselves due to Trump’s baseless, deadly medical advice.
(The Astral Plane) Tensions are running high in Heaven tonight as the 170,000+ Americans who have died from COVID-19 are protesting God for taking the wrong Trump. Authorities say the protests, which are being led by the late father of utilitarianism Jeremy Bentham, started when the president’s brother Robert Trump showed up at the pearly gates instead of Donald. “It sounds crass on the face of it, but the reality is that there is a moral question at hand: Do you take one life to save thousands of others?” Bentham stated. “Quite quickly it becomes apparent that the right thing to do is to remove this evil man who has clearly done more harm than good during the pandemic. There’s a lot of blood on his hands.” When asked how he felt about Robert Trump’s death, Bentham stated, “It is what it is.”
Over 22,400 Americans have choked to death in 2020 – more than four times the yearly average. Experts say the cause is an uptick in less intelligent Americans finally agreeing to wear masks and then forgetting to remove them before eating. “What we’re seeing is a sizable group of slower people – who were initially refusing to wear masks because the president wasn’t – that are now choking to death on the protective gear,” Dr. Richard Huffman stated. “They get hungry and they neglect to remove their mask before pushing food into their mouths.” As of press time, experts had no solution to the problem. “I don’t know what to say anymore; I think nature just wants these people dead,” Huffman stated.
Photo Credit Daniel Lobo
Senator Marco Rubio really stepped in it today when he posted a terribly-executed tribute to deceased civil rights leader John Lewis and followed it up with a strange, racist tirade on Twitter. In a since-deleted tweet, Rubio shared a photo of himself and Elijah Cummings – another deceased Black lawmaker – and captioned the photograph with the words: “It was an honor to know & be blessed with the opportunity to serve in Congress with John Lewis… a genuine & historic American hero. May the Lord grant him eternal peace.” Twitter erupted in response to Rubio’s significant and embarrassing error, but the Florida Senator seemed completely unfazed by the mistake and began genuinely replying to tweets. “Wait, don’t all black people look alike?” Rubio tweeted in reply to one Twitter user. “I thought I could just pick any photo with me and one of them.” Painfully blind to his racism, Rubio doubled-down, tweeting out: “I’ve never purposely made eye contact with a black person. Aren’t they all just vague, shadowy figures to everyone else? Isn’t that why we’re all so afraid of them? What is happening?!” As of press time outraged Democrats were calling on Rubio to resign, while most Republicans were just glad they didn’t have any photos with Black people to make such a mistake. Photo Credit Gage Skidmore
57-year-old death row inmate and serial killer Kyle Perklans was forcibly removed from the Louisiana State Penitentiary today after refusing to follow the institution’s mask guidelines. Perklans, who was scheduled to die from lethal injection on Saturday night, is now a free man. “I don’t care who you are, you aren’t allowed inside of our prison system if you refuse to wear a mask – there are no exceptions,” warden Michael Sullivan stated. “Now Mr. Perklans has an entire lifetime to sit and think long and hard about how his actions impact others.” As of early Thursday, the freed killer was already in Georgia where Governor Brian Kemp has banned cities and counties from mandating masks. Perklans says he plans to raise his murder count significantly by simply licking a few doorknobs and then joining likeminded people at an anti-mask rally. “It’s not my preferred method of killing, but it gets the job done,” Perklans said of joining the protests. “Everyone was livid when I bludgeoned seven people with a hammer, but there’s no repercussions when I do it this way.” Photo credit Stefano Mazzone
A Gallop poll on happiness was released today that shows more than 70% of millennials are “totally okay with dying, like literally right now.” Here are the top 10 reasons that were given by participants: 10) Can’t afford health insurance anyway. 9) A forever nap actually sounds rather nice right about now. 8) Mercury is in retrograde. 7) Racism. Like, A LOT of it. 6) Had to go deep into student loan debt just to get a job that pays $18/hr. 5) My Chemical Romance. 4) Had to move back in with parents. 3) Bored. Looking for something new to do. 2) Serotonin has been depleted from impulsive hair coloring. 1) We’re trapped in a cold, unforgiving world full of hate, ignorance and violence, and left here to slowly wither away, suffering, and eventually dying alone.