Morgues across the United States are preparing for the next three days of death and carnage as Daylight Savings Time (DST) is upon us once again. The annual extreme spike in American deaths was first directly linked to DST by a Swedish study in 2008 which found that the chances of having a heart attack goes way up in the first three weekdays after changing over to DST in spring. “Not only are the number of heart attacks tripled, but the time change is also responsible for a sizable increase in traffic deaths on the following Monday,” mortician Gregory Daines grinned. “On top of this, there are more severe workplace injuries and unfortunate miscarriages in the days following the start of Daylight Savings Time.” “It’s a great time of year to be in the death business,” Daines stated while steepling his fingers. “Hopefully I’ll make enough money to take a trip to somewhere outside of my basement this year, and maybe have a morgue-arita or three.” Advertisements
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Although most Americans admit they aren’t worthy of going to Heaven, the vast majority also say that they haven’t made a plan for when they inevitably become God’s leftovers. What do you think?
Those on the left are being told to stay indoors after public officials warned of a second active Koch brother. “Although one threat has been neutralized, there’s still another bad man reeking havoc on the country,” Joe Biden stated. The second brother has been identified as Charles G. Koch and is considered by authorities to be armed and cantankerous. “We could pass laws to protect ourselves from people like the Koch brothers, but that would require effort. So we’ll just wait for that old bastard to die,” a 76 year old Joe Biden stated. Artwork by DonkeyHotey
It’s a smart way to recycle while also saying ‘Thanks for playing the game of life! You certainly didn’t win, Sharon, but here’s a fucking trophy.’
“With the amount of mass shootings we’re having, it’s not unreasonable to expect savings of around $4,500 a year.”
Japan will resume the commercial killing of overweight citizens in an effort to curb the population of the island and supplement dwindling soybean supplies.