Secretary of Education Betsy DeVos announced her new ‘A Few Children Left Behind Program’ today which will allow schools to reopen on time in a limited capacity. Devos says that she’ll be sending the 10 least promising students per classroom back to school to see if reopening is safe. “We now realize that it was unrealistic to try to fit so many kids in such a confined space during a pandemic,” DeVos stated. “So instead we’ve decided that the 10 worst performing students per class from last year will be our guinea pigs so we can ensure that we are providing a safe learning environment for our gifted students.” DeVos says once she feels it’s safe, that she’ll be swapping the 10 initial test children out with the 10 smartest kids from the class. “If relatively few of the students are falling ill, dying, or spreading the virus then we’ll make that switch and let the kids with actual futures continue their educations,” DeVos stated.
White House Press Secretary Kayleigh McEnany shocked the press today when she accidentally acknowledged that science does in fact exist, but that it shouldn’t impact the decisions the nation makes during the pandemic. “A little thing called ‘science’ should not stand in the way of school openings. All that scientists have are ‘hypothesis’ – which are just guesses,” McEnany stated. “So of course we can open schools, everyone else in the western world – all of our peer nations – are doing it!” Despite the fact that McEnany is completely wrong, and that the United States is doing far worse at handling the pandemic than other first world countries, nobody in the stunned-silent press could muster a single question after she uttered the word “science.” Photo credit Cezary p
Mike Pence argued today that opening schools amidst the coronavirus pandemic is acceptable because “COVID-19 will still kill less children than school shootings this year, and we don’t do anything to prevent those.” “If you’re scared about your child getting sick, let me reassure you,” Pence smiled, “there will be many, many more kids gunned down this school year than will be killed by any virus.” Pushing back, the CDC pointed out that many children will in fact die from COVID-19, that kids will undoubtedly spread the disease to high risk people who will also die, that school-wide outbreaks are inevitable, and that cancelling the school year would result in zero school shootings. “It is sad that we can’t open schools on time, but if we had followed social distancing and face mask rules over the past several months, maybe we could have,” a message from the CDC read. “It’s hard to believe that the unintelligent are literally killing the rest of us, but it serves as a grave reminder that we need to fix our widespread educational problems. Sadly, at this point, we look forward to a time when bodies are only piling up because of bullets.” Photo credit Gage Skidmore
The White House announced today that they will be issuing a mandate requiring families with school-aged children to send at least one child to school as tribute for a school reopening experiment. “Because our nation is so divided right now we decided to take a middle-of-the-road approach,” vice president Mike Pence stated. “Now families will be able to pick which child they would like to send to school while keeping the other ones at home.” Notably, families with just one child will be entered into a lottery system that will randomly select the kids that will have to attend classes. The names will be drawn at large, mandatory gatherings called ‘reapings’. “A reaping is an event that will take place in every school district before the school year,” Pence stated. “At the reaping, children without siblings are randomly chosen to attend classes in the upcoming school year. As of right now we are thinking that each district will simply select names from glass bowls.” Additionally, blood tests will be administered to all children who will attend classes to check for coronavirus and to confirm their identities. When asked by reporters for details on the rest of the school reopening plan, Pence stated “President Trump hasn’t gotten to that chapt… er… we’ll have more details to share with the American people very shortly.”