The Biden White House is now under brutal scrutiny after Republicans have suddenly demanded that immigrants be treated more humanely until they can be “shipped back to whatever shithole country they came from.” The calls for humanitarian change comes despite the fact that former president Donald Trump only worsened the ongoing border situation. “The Statue of Liberty says ‘give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free. The wretched refuse of your teeming shore.’” Senator Cruz stated. “And that’s what we’re asking for – we’re asking for that until we get enough funding to send them back to their poverty-stricken, politically-unstable, violent, shithole countries.”
A move by the Biden administration to suspend or fire any staff who have used marijuana has had unintended consequences after it was revealed that Vice President Kamala Harris previously smoked the drug. Harris was immediately placed on a 30-day suspension without pay and will be required to pass weekly drug tests for the remainder of her time in office.
The Catholic church announced this week that they will not be blessing same-sex marriages until the age of consent is lowered to allow bishops, cardinals and priests to marry the young boys that they’ve been grooming for years. “This is pure age discrimination,” Pope Francis proclaimed from the balcony of St. Peter’s Cathedral to a shocked crowd below. “It doesn’t have to be as often, or even in the same way – but please – won’t someone think of the children?” Photo credit Catholic Church England
An obscure rule in Congress will block Republican voters from receiving the next $1,400 stimulus check because none of their representatives voted in favor of the latest bill which passed 50-49 along party lines. The relevant regulation is referred to as the “Stimulus Only Redeemable if Representatives said Yes” – or the S.O.R.R.Y. rule. – and will leave all registered Republicans in the United States without much-needed funds in the face of economic turmoil brought on by the coronavirus pandemic.
A change of plans for Qanon believers took place today after the group claimed that black smoke rose from the Capitol building’s chimney, indicating that a new president wouldn’t be inaugurated on this day. The group’s anonymous leader – ‘Q’ – wrote online that Trump’s March 4th inauguration was postponed until April 1st “due to threats of violence by Antifa at the Capitol again.” “We’ll see white smoke rise from that chimney on April 1st meaning Mr. Trump will be inaugurated,” the Qanon leader wrote in an online statement. “We just couldn’t do it today, but that doesn’t mean it won’t happen next time. Stay strong!” As of press time almost nobody knew what the fuck ‘Q’ was talking about as the Capitol building doesn’t even have a chimney. Meanwhile, Qanon believers were marking their calendars for April Fools’ Day with feverish anticipation of Trump’s second term. Photo Credit (mod) EEBS27
Photo Credit Banger1977
Radio and TV personality Glenn Beck spent the better part of his radio show today reading the cover of Dr. Seuss’s One Fish, Two Fish, Red Fish, Blue Fish while sobbing uncontrollably. Beck’s emotional reading of the book cover lasted 57 minutes, included eight words, and featured uncomfortable segments of crying and screaming. Beck’s actions come in response to the announcement that six Seuss books will no longer be published because they portray people in a harmful way; causing him to complain about cancel culture before getting weepy and nostalgic. “One Fish,” Beck began before immediately bawling for twelve minutes. “Two fish,” Beck howled and then blubbered on for another several minutes. “Red Fish,” Beck lamented before blowing his nose and then asking for more tissues; having already gone through an entire box. “Blue Fish,” Beck concluded with a moan just seconds before the end of the show. The theme music then cut in and played with the sounds of Beck’s weeping and wailing still audible in the background. Photo credit Gage Skidmore