(The Astral Plane) After being essentially hands-off for millennia, the Devil and God stunned the world today when they publicly begged conservatives in America to stop screwing around and take the pandemic seriously. Both rulers reported that their individual dominions are nearing capacity due to COVID deaths; the majority of which are coming from the United States. “If Americans want out of this mess they’re going to have to knock some sense into the right wing,” the Devil stated. “Honestly, it’s getting hard to tell the difference between my realm and whatever the hell is going on up there.” God expressed similar sentiments. “The rate at which people are dying is outpacing how quickly we can build additional living space here in Heaven. Conservatives need to get their shit together or we’re going to have angels living under the overpass.” God stated. “And for the love of Me, don’t try to reopen the fucking schools because they’ll be closed within a week. I guarantee you that.” Photo credit James Cridland
Columbia, SC – Senator Lindsey Graham says the only reason he’s conservative is because he gets “incredibly hot” when he hears fellow right-wingers mock, belittle, and dehumanize homosexuals such as himself. Graham claims this is who he is at his core and that it would be great if liberals could hate him for it too, because that also gets him off. “I don’t care if you’re a Democrat or a Republican, just tell me I’m a worthless piece of shit,” Graham smiled. “And please do not hesitate to show contempt for my sexuality by calling me a woman, because deep down I’m a depraved, self-loathing sexist too.” Graham says the ultimate turn on – besides being called “Lady G” on Twitter – would be if Republicans could find a way to ban same-sex marriage once again. “Trump has already taken rights away from the transgenders and I can’t wait to see him take it even further,” Graham moaned while rubbing his nipples. “If we could just wash as much equality away as possible that would really get my rocks off.” Photo credit Gage Skidmore
According to staff working the event, the Democratic National Convention will include a hologram of deceased Senator John McCain who will be endorsing Joe Biden. Republicans are calling the move disrespectful, despite Democrats having received permission from McCain’s family. President Trump spoke out about McCain’s posthumous appearance, calling it a stunt. “Personally I think it’s blasphemous. Very, very blasphemous,” Trump stated. “The Democrats have had dead people voting for years, now they’ve got them endorsing! Well I prefer my endorsers to be alive.” As of press time rumors were swirling that the president – who had just publicly condemned the concept – was now considering digging up Ronald Reagan, hoisting his skeleton up with strings like a puppet, and having him deliver a speech endorsing Trump.
Karen Pence says she will only allow her husband to debate Kamala Harris if she can sit on stage between the two candidates and “make sure that Mike doesn’t give in to sexual temptations.” Shortly after the news broke, Joe Biden gave a statement to reporters. “Who we have in office right now is a president that brags about grabbing women by the pussy, and a vice president who can’t even speak to women without adult supervision,” Biden stated while sniffing at a female staffer’s nape. “It’s wild. I mean, what’s with all these men who can’t control themselves?” Notably, the conditions set by Karen Pence mark the first time she has ever expressed concern that her husband might show an ounce of warmth toward a Black woman. As of press time, Karen was demanding to speak to the top authorities at the University of Utah – where the debate will be held – to make sure that she is given a comfortable chair at center stage.
Former vice presidential candidate Sarah Palin offered advice to Kamala Harris today after she was selected to be Joe Biden’s running mate. Via an Instagram post, the former Alaska governor gave a few suggestions. “Congrats to the democrat VP pick. If I can say one thing to you it’s this: don’t be a total fucking moron. That was my biggest mistake.” Palin wrote. “Climb upon Geraldine Ferraro’s shoulders, and then step on her head and climb up onto my shoulders, and from the most amazing view in your life, remember to never say that you can see Russia from your house.” Despite COVID-19, as a final piece of advice, Palin told Harris to remember to “shake as many hands as possible.”
Henderson, NV – Local woman Jasmine Parker acquired a taste for glue today after exploring a longtime curiosity. Parker says she’d been wondering what glue tastes like ever since she saw other kids eating the gooey substance back when she was in grade school. “I tried eating glue for the first time today because I finally wanted to scratch that itch,” 37-year-old Parker stated. “I went for a second taste because I didn’t get a good feel for the flavor; so I put more glue on my finger and licked it off.” “Now this third taste,” Parker said while squeezing a generous portion into her hand, “is necessary as I forgot to sniff the glue before eating it, and as we all know, smell is big part of the entire eating experience.” As of Monday afternoon, Parker was thinking of an excuse to justify dumping a fourth helping of glue into the palms of her hands and lapping it up like a dog.
President Trump abruptly ended a news conference after ripping a loud fart in front of a crowd of supporters and reporters at an event in Bedminster, New Jersey today. During an exchange, CBS News White House correspondent Paula Reid called Trump out for lying about creating the Veterans Choice program. When Trump tried to ignore Reid and call on another reporter, Reid said, “You said that you passed Veterans Choice. It was passed in 2014… It was a false statement, sir.” Just then, the president let out a loud fart, turned bright red, and responded, “OK. Thank you very much, everybody.” Trump then slowly shuffled sideways off stage – having likely soiled himself – while the song “YMCA” began playing. Until today, Trump had never been heard farting while in public, although many staffers have reported that the president will frequently let out long farts while walking that squeak with every step. Notably, Trump’s fart marked the 1,500th time the president has used hot air and a load of crap to get out of answering a question. Photo Credit Michael Vadon