“Having a room where everyone is encouraged to openly relieve themselves is a game changer. Period.” – HGTV
Grisham is scheduled to take a crowbar to the face later today in an attempt to make her eye situation match that of Sanders.
Get rid of your twenty dollar bills before it’s too late! The U.S. Treasury Department says it will be taking the value of a $20 bill down to zero.
“In one of the 127 boxes customers will find a serial number,” Cook stated. “That is the number they will enter online; unlocking the ability to purchase the instruction manual for putting the device together.”
“We’re asking that all passengers take a look in overhead storage and under their seats to avoid crushing the reptiles and to assist in their capture.”
“America can’t take the tired, poor, huddled masses in without somewhere to put ’em.”
Deliberately drawing zigzagging lines around all the white people will no longer be an option.
“There’s no better way to seem interesting than with a story about the time you were held at gunpoint by the East Harlem crew for wearing the wrong color romper.”
In response, Sam’s Club announced they will be selling “everything necessary to create an elaborate sex dungeon” by July.
President Trump celebrated his 73rd birthday by getting a tattoo of Pepe the Frog on his right butt cheek.
We can’t have Canada smelling like burnt, used condoms anymore,” Prime Minister Justin Trudeau stated.
“With McCain already tormenting Donald Trump by repeatedly moving and re-hiding the pee tape, we can only expect worse and worse episodes.”
McConnell is being investigated by the US. Senate Ethics Committee for spending $127,000 on a new heat lamp system and gigantic basking rocks in his office.
“It’s hard to keep the kids clean and the depression buried deep, deep down inside. Purell lets you do both.”
“People who have to smell their food before eating it are complete monsters.”
“You can rest assured that somewhere, in an existing but undetectable universe, another version of you is out there having a meaningful, fulfilling life.”
The option will let baby boomers and the remainder of the silent generation enjoy the company of others.
Japan will resume the commercial killing of overweight citizens in an effort to curb the population of the island and supplement dwindling soybean supplies.
An executive order from the desk of President Trump has put an end to genetically-modified, cyborg baby programs.
“The people alive today are the last generation of humans that’ll live on this planet as we know it. Having said that, I’d like to invite everyone to go ahead and eat a dick.”
“I picked up the sweet, floral tones of South Colombian cocaine and the chemical aura of John Frieda’s Luxurious Volume Forever Full Hairspray for Fine Wigs.” – Joe Biden
“It’s sheer chaos,” New York Governor Andrew Cuomo stated. “Our pussies have gone mad with power.”
“They don’t even make laws for us! The gays can be fired in 26 states for being homosexual and we get nothing. It’s disgraceful!”
“Without the cheese it just flows right through you.” – CEO Brian Niccols
“Genetically-speaking the lineage has certain characteristics that really stand out; such as having categorically unpleasant hair and personalities.” – 23andMe CEO Anne Wojcicki
Hopes are high for this sequel as the original 1997 hit raked in over $1.5 billion worldwide.
“With the amount of mass shootings we’re having, it’s not unreasonable to expect savings of around $4,500 a year.”