WASHINGTON D.C. – In a shocking medical revelation, Mitch McConnell’s personal doctor, Dr. Felix Mortimer, took to the podium to address the nation about the senator’s “freezing incident,” announcing that he was able to “immediately rule out any possibility of … Continue reading McConnell’s Doctor Says Knowledge of Senator’s Missing Heart & Brain Ruled Out Stroke, Heart Attack, Immediately
Pisces – It seems like someone in your life is always relying on you for Every Single Thing Just leave the baby at the park for a few hours and take some time for yourself. Scorpio – All of your money troubles will … Continue reading Weekly Horoscope From Your Favorite Grandma!!!
In a bizarre twist of events, former President Donald J. Trump found himself in a hot spot as his pants caught fire while attempting to burn the letter he received from Jack Smith. What began as a fiery act of … Continue reading Trump’s Pants Catch Fire While Burning Letter From Jack Smith
Today, I am thrilled to unveil my latest creation: Beastblend, a unique line of merchandise that brings together the beauty of the animal kingdom in the most unexpected and adorable ways. Prepare to be captivated as I introduce you to … Continue reading NEW! Introducting Beastblend Hybrid Animals: Sharkitten, Koalacorn & Slothtopus! 15+ Colors!
The newly-ousted former head of Facebook, Mark Zuckerberg told reporters through teary eyes today that he had likely been permanently banned from his own social media platform and company. Zuckerberg, who stole the Facebook platform back in January of 2004, … Continue reading Mark Zuckerberg Banned & Fired From Facebook For Post After His Own AI Takes Over Company
In an effort to eradicate “woke entertainment,” while testing new laws that would “get rid of race mixing,” Florida Governor Ron DeSantis admitted today that he was behind the effort to airdrop 252 non-white, stolen dolls from Disney World’s iconic … Continue reading Disney’s ‘It’s a Small World’ Has 48 Dolls Left After Ron DeSantis Airdrops ‘Colored Ones’ Over White House
The National Rifle Association says that this Christmas the perfect last minute present for a new baby is a pocket knife. Notably, the announcement is a huge flip-flop after decades of the NRA saying that guns are perfectly safe for … Continue reading NRA Recommends Pocket Knives For Babies This Christmas: ‘Guns Are For Toddlers & Older’
The feud between Marjorie Taylor Greene and Lauren Boebert is dramatically increasing in intensity. The congresswomen – who had previously been buddies that heckled Joe Biden during his first State of the Union – decided to settle the debate of … Continue reading Despite Drawing Straws, Marjorie Taylor Greene & Lauren Boebert Unable To Settle Argument Of Who Is Smarter
Brazil soccer enthusiast Pedro Silva says his Tinder profile was banned today after the dating app announced it would no longer allow soccer fans to have an account. Experts say that Silva is among the more than 3.4 billion people … Continue reading Tinder Bans All Soccer Fans For Seeking Slow, Boring Relationships With Little To No Scoring
With strict abortion bans going into effect in 13 states, baby oil manufacturers and suppliers are sounding the alarm that a product shortage is unavoidable due to an abrupt drop in the amount of aborted fetuses available to squeeze the … Continue reading Experts Warn Of ‘Huge Baby Oil Shortage’ After Bans On Abortion Result In Fewer Fetuses To Squeeze Juices From
Donald Trump’s “big announcement” today was that he’s releasing digital trading cards starting at $99 each. He added that he holds the rarest card of all. “Think of it like baseball cards. Some are hard to find and some aren’t,” … Continue reading Rarest Trump Trading Card Is Ivanka In A Thong: There’s Only One & Trump Has Claimed It As His Own
Elon Musk lost millions of Twitter followers today after he enacted an application-wide ban on bot accounts which accidentally included a wiping-out of generic-looking bros with the same picture. The mistake came just hours after Musk tweeted “The bots are … Continue reading Elon Musk Loses 100 Million Followers After Ban On Twitter Bot Accounts Accidentally Includes Generic Bros With Same Picture
Shortly after famous signer-songwriter Elton John announced his departure from Twitter, Elon Musk said he wrote a “new, personal, and introspective version” of the musician’s hit song ‘Rocket Man’ as sung from Elon’s perspective. Here are the lyrics and accompanying … Continue reading Elon Musk Writes New Version of Elton John’s ‘Rocket Man’ After Iconic Musician Leaves Twitter