A wild beaver somehow managed to sneak into one of Elizabeth Warren’s campaign headquarters and corner the presidential front runner for over four hours this morning. Warren says she’s doing fine and that this wasn’t her first encounter with a beaver. “I’ve done my fair share of experimenting in college,” Warren smiled. “It’s gonna take a lot more than a beaver to get me rattled. Don’t threaten me with a good time!”
Three week old Douglas Sommers learns about honeycombs at Asheville, North Carolina’s annual Babies and Bee’s Festival. Photo Credit: Sandra Jackson
With a seemingly continuous turnover of advisors in the past three years, president Trump now finds himself being advised by six different handbag designers, including his daughter Ivanka. The White House maintains that only a small percentage of meetings are spent discussing the fashion accessories. “Ivanka doesn’t talk about her fashion business with me,” Trump affirmed. “There’s no nepotism here and it really shows. Just look at me,” a dishevelled Trump stated while unzipping his 5-foot-long red tie from his fly. Additionally, the White House says they’re excited to unveil their new child and adult-sized leather body bags which were specially designed for the Kurds Trump left for dead in Syria.
An unhinged Rudy Giuliani went on NBC’s Meet the Press this morning to announce that he is now being possessed and legally represented by deceased criminal lawyer Johnnie Cochran. According to Giuliani, the famed O.J. Simpson lawyer took over his body after the former New York City Mayor made a deal with the devil. “If the glove don’t fit, you must acquit!” Giuliani yelled. “And there isn’t even a glove involved here! Tell me where the flaming glove is!?” Trump’s wide-eyed lawyer shouted while lighting a wool mitten aflame and waving it in the air. Because of Giuliani’s public meltdown, there is now growing concern among Democrats that the president’s lawyer could easily avoid corruption charges with a simple insanity plea.
In a sweeping move, president Trump signed an executive order today that pardons Republicans of any and all crimes. The order, which also releases any registered Republicans who are incarcerated, completely exonerates any future wrongdoings by right-wing public figures and citizens. “Conservatives are being targeted. Period.” Trump stated. “Fine Americans shouldn’t live in constant fear that they’ll eventually be caught and charged for doing something wrong. I can’t fucking sleep!” a puffy-eyed Trump shouted. “It’s unfair! And it’s cruel and it is unusual psychological punishment – which is not allowed under the 8th Amendment!” As of press time, the executive order had been added as the fifty-seventh example of obstruction of justice by the Trump Administration.
“I never thought I’d have to say this, but my boobs are down there.”
An industry-wide spike in the price of birth control has bumped the average monthly cost from $47 up to $125, forcing many women to have to choose between a pill that prevents pregnancy and a hideous article of clothing that prevents pregnancy. “Unless Congress can make some major changes to our healthcare system, I don’t see the prescription price dropping anytime soon,” reproductive physician Sarah Simmons stated. “Luckily, mom jeans are cost-effective over time and a perfect substitute for birth control. The high-waisted, straight-legged style provides a truly un-fuckable look.”