The word “they” has been named Merriam-Webster’s word of the year after an incredible spike in its usage in 2019. Notably, the term has been expanded to “refer to a single person whose gender identity is nonbinary.” What do you think?
Major League Baseball released 257 players from prison who were serving time for positive THC tests. The move comes after the league and player’s union decided jointly that they would no longer test players for the substance. What do you think?
Nancy Pelosi gave a briefing this morning explaining the remaining steps to impeaching president Donald Trump. “For those of you who aren’t clear, I wanted to lay out the next steps for the impeachment process,” a wide-eyed Pelosi stated. “Today the House Judiciary Committee will argue and then hold a vote to vote on a vote for tomorrow’s impeachment vote after a preliminary shouting match and vote today and Friday.” Pelosi then confirmed that the process would be repeated in the Senate, but take about five times longer. Photo credit Ron Cogswell
After being named Time Magazine’s Person of the Year, conservatives everywhere are calling Greta Thunberg’s success the first known case of white privilege. The 16-year old Sweed with Asperger’s has been a leading voice in climate change activism. “This is the first instance of white privilege and Miss Thunberg is patient zero,” Senator Mitch McConnell stated. “This rich, straight, white teenager is sailing the world, skipping school, and still somehow complaining about everything and anything. She must be stopped.” Conservatives say their main concern is figuring out how Thunberg’s actions are benefiting her. “It’s alarming that anyone’s skin color or wealth could give them an advantage,” McConnell stated. “But what’s more troubling is not knowing why she’s doing it. Does she own a wind farm?”
The largest military force in the world is in shambles after trying and failing to make an 18 year war with “that ignorant slut Afghanistan” work. Clearly shaken, the US military finally came to grips with reality after longtime friend, The Washington Post, offered 2,000 heartfelt pages and 600 interviews proving what deep down the US military already knew: that useless whore Afghanistan would never truly be theirs. In total, the leader of the free world says it’s “lost over 2,300 American lives, killed off 150,000 civilians, and spent over $934 billion on that dumb bitch Afghanistan.” As of press time, the US military was already six drinks deep and loading up heat-seeking missiles in search of a rebound country.
Caretakers were forced to halt today’s impeachment hearings after countless Republican congressmen threw geriatric temper tantrums during opening statements. The outbursts began when, in a move of solidarity, the elderly men all removed their hearing aids and then refused to wait their turn to shout incoherently into their microphones. “Once it became clear what they were doing, we shut it down,” hospice worker Natalie Rempara stated. “We unplugged their microphones and that’s when they collectively shit their pants. So we’re on a brief recess.”