“If fans are demanding a complete reshoot of the final season, then I’ve avoided 71 episodes of anticlimactic bullshit.”
Elders of the ASPCA materialized on stage. Cloaked in black hoods, they hovered and waited for Jarmon to sign their commercial contract in her own blood.
“Sagittarius (11/22 – 12/21) – You are feeling ecstatic and delighted inside – creating a real impact on those around you. Just go along with your…”
“Because of the extreme food poisoning, Kim has also experienced dramatic silicone loss in the [expletive], lip and breast regions.”
“I’m not sure why we’d give the swastika to one side over the other,” Trump stated. “If we’re trying to accept everyone, we need to start by including minority groups like the Klan in these discussions.”
According to their website, Mufflr is being funded by powerful lesbians Ellen Degeneres and Hillary Clinton.
“Who cares if you can’t wash the smell off, you’ve saved an orangutan!”
“The abrupt endings of these conversations will lead to awkward silences, but the thrill of a total power trip makes it all worth it.”
“We know it is hard for Mr. McConnell to have to abort the bill right here on the Senate floor, but Democrats are truly supportive of the decision.”
Maybe I give some intellectual property to China and maybe in return they build me a wall on the border using those Nike worker children. Can we do this? I don’t know folks, but we’re going to try.”
Authorities have confirmed that Y’all-Qaeda leadership has ties to a Mississippi terror cell referred to as Talabangelicals who are also complete [expletive].
The ban is estimated to block 82.6 million US citizens from service and dishonorably discharge another 1.7 million Americans from the military.
“When I think of something, you better believe I’m going to go right up to him, get right on Peter and really ride him. Just unload on him with everything I’ve got – and I’ve got a lot. Just ask Melania. I’ve been trying to finish for quite a while, and when I do it’s going to feel great folks. Just great.”
“Contrary to popular belief, fingerlike appendages do not exit the butt and press on the phone screen, that’s poop you’re thinking of.”
Due to the lack of legal consequences, throngs of hallucinating residents have congregated downtown at the 16th Street Mall to touch each other’s faces.
“We totally nixed three scenes where Dwayne Johnson would’ve been firing his gun at a bunch of hippos for absolutely no reason.”
“Now it looks like we’re going to have to burn off about 16 square miles of mature opium crop. So if you live in the area, buckle the [expletive] up on Saturday.”
“At this point teachers must be making, what? $125 thousand a year and they won’t stop complaining?” DeVos stated. “We have to push back against these union thugs who are always striking.”
“My dreams became littered with terrifying sex monsters that attacked my lesbian lover Barb.” – Elizabeth Warren
“We sell the meat to Taco Bell, send a bunch of parts to candy factories and use the rest to make high-end huffing glue.”
“Remember, we’re only talking about girth. So if you wanted to tape 7 oversized grapefruits together and play hide the citrus in your [expletive], you could absolutely do that.” Secretary Alex Azar stated.
Cohen poured 14 gallons of gasoline, began playing ‘Spark the Fire’ by Gwen Stefani, and lit the contents of the dumpster before biting the heads off several chickens.
“If friendship and odors don’t matter to you, then you could really get in great shape.”
The former FBI Director enrolled in a pottery class Anderson Cooper attends in an attempt to get him to sit in between his legs while whispering key findings in his ear.
“Because you can’t fire a gun in the bedroom, it can be very difficult for our members to achieve an erection without penis pills.”
“It’s nice to know that my wife has a backup plan in case our marriage fails because it means we still have something in common.”
“Overall, I’d give the movie 5-stars,” Kellner stated.
“Wrap the baby beautifully in a flour tortilla and toss it in the oven,” Trump stated while wiping saliva from his chin. “If you do all of that, then maybe I take a little bite. A nibble. I don’t know. I don’t know.”
Elizabeth Warren announced today at a campaign rally that she is “ready and willing” to divorce her husband of 39 years and marry her “lifelong best friend Barb.”
“The Washington Redskins select any Native American. That’s right. Any. Just send anyone, but preferably someone athletic or okay with doing commercials.”