Patriot Criticizes Protests During Pandemic While Lounging on a Crowded Beach

YouReadyGrandma

Slathered in oil and soaking up the sun on a crowded Huntington Beach, right-wing Californian Cassandra Davies says she’s expressing her “right to go outside, get a nice dark tan, and do whatever the hell I want.” “I don’t know what the godless liberals think they’re doing out there protesting in the streets after telling everyone to stay home. There’s no such thing as racism nowadays,” Davies stated while noticing an approaching group. “All I can tell you is that this black family had better not set up right next to me on this pure white, pristine sand. Because of… umm you know… because of the coronavirus.” Unhappy with the family’s “proximity,” Davies then packed up her things while throwing a fit and called 9-1-1 to let police know that a group of black people had encroached on her personal space, making her fear for her safety.

Confederate Statues Across US Are Being Replaced With White Flags of Surrender

YouReadyGrandma

Riding a wave of anti-racism that has swept the US, governors across the country have begun the removal of Confederate statues, monuments, and plaques. Virginia’s Governor Ralph Northam says that he and several other governors plan to replace the memorials with white flags commemorating the South’s surrender. “We’ll be taking down all Confederate memorials because, simply put, we don’t celebrate racists and losers in Virginia,” Northam stated. “It’s important to remember what really happened in history and a white flag serves this purpose perfectly.”

Rioters Destroy Police Station, Leaving Just Three More Poorly-Disguised Horcruxes

Despite deadly counter-charms and curses, another horcrux was destroyed by rioters in Minneapolis last night. Witnesses say that the horcrux, which was poorly disguised as the Third Precinct Police Building, tried to protect itself by apparating countless angry men from white supremacy gatherings across the nation and then outfitting them with riot uniforms, tear gas, rubber bullets, and other weaponry.

White People Long for Sports Championships to Resume So They Have a Reason to Riot Too

Countless white fans are itching for sports and their championship games to resume so that they have their own reason to loot and riot. One Philadelphia Eagles fan, Michael Hillard, says he’s been wanting to “fuck some shit up” for two years. “We haven’t had ourselves a decent riot since the 2018 Super Bowl when the Eagles beat the Patriots,” Hillard stated. “We were flipping cars, pulling down streetlights, and lighting fires; not because we wanted to, but because we had to. There’s really no other way to express yourself when you’re dealing with the life and death issue that is sports.” Photo Credit Rommy Ghaly

Failed Frozen Steak Salesman Turned Reality TV Host Somehow Not Good at Leading a Nation

A 73-year-old former frozen steak salesman is having a surprisingly hard time running an entire country despite having been a reality TV host. What do you think?

Officer Shouts ‘They’ve All Got a Gun!’ After Wheeling WWI Canon Into Crowd

Police officers are under investigation for grand theft and possession of a prohibited weapon after wheeling a WWI cannon from nearby Gold Medal Park and leaving it in a crowd of protesters in downtown Minneapolis. Three officers have been put on administrative leave and could also face charges for defacing property and planting false evidence.

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