After purposely filling countless Cheese Nips boxes with shards of glass and plastic to test a theory that nobody actually eats them, parent company Mondelēz Global has now recalled the product from store shelves. “We wanted to see what happened if we loaded the snack boxes with sharp objects. So we did and then waited for consumer complaints,” CEO Nichols Wardski stated. “After going several months without a single death, injury or complaint, we admit that nobody is eating our pathetic, little cheesy nips.” When reached for comment, the company’s rival Cheez-It says they welcome the news as they’d secretly lost seven Competitor Product Testers to Cheese Nips-related injuries this month alone.
Cory Booker’s eyes shot out of his skull with a sickening pop on live TV during MSNBCs Democratic Debate. The stomach-turning scene took place during a heated exchange between Booker and Senator Elizabeth Warren. Upon eyeball ejection, Booker immediately uttered, “Ohhhh! Not again!” before swiftly scooping up his eyeballs and plugging them back into the wrong sockets. Noticing his error, the candidate quickly placed his them back into the correct holes – creating a sickening suction sound – before twisting them into place. Moderator Rachel Maddow then paused the debate and MSNBC went to commercial in order to clean up representative Tusli Gabbard’s vomit.
South Carolina Senator and closeted homosexual Lindsey Graham told reporters today that he’d “snort a pound of cocaine out of the president’s chocolate starfish before even considering impeachment.” “That’s right,” a wide-eyed Graham continued. “I’ll take a pound of coke from Mr. Trump’s stash, and do bump after bump until my little Southern belle heart explodes.” Political experts immediately called Graham’s bluff, citing the fact that the Senator would first need to be capable of removing his head from the president’s ass in order to snort anything.
A White House staffer named Donna Brump, who claims to be “unbelievably close” to President Trump, testified today before Congress. In a shocking series of seemingly unforced admissions, Brump unequivocally proved that president Trump has violated the US Constitution. “I don’t even know who Donna Brump is,” Trump tweeted minutes after Brump left the hearing. “I’ve never met this person. She may be an incredibly handsome woman, but I have no idea what she was talking about.”
After decades or targeting the homosexual chicken community, Chick-fil-A says they’ll no longer actively source LGBTQ fowl to serve in their restaurants. The announcement comes as a shock to many, as the company had never mentioned the practice before. Meanwhile, the news has sparked outrage among the religious right who now have to come to terms with the fact that they’ve repeatedly put homosexual flesh inside of their mouths and swallowed every single time.
The USDA is defending itself after adding ‘Ass’ to the MyPlate nutritional guide in an effort grab attention, look cool and fit in with current youth culture. One promotional poster that was sent to schools recommends eating ass twice daily. Government officials are strongly suggesting that parents have a proactive talk with their kids about eating ass, since the posters have already been circulated in countless public schools across the country.
Pope Francis announced today that the Vatican has created a completely new Bible that aligns with scientists’ current understanding of the modern world. The new holy book will be called the Jorge Mario Betgoglio Bible after the Pope’s birth name. “We’ve removed miracles entirely by explaining them with science,” Francis stated. “We also took out all of the overt sexism, racism and gratuitous violence.” The Vatican says it went ahead and addressed potentially homophobic verses by simply removing them. “Honestly, most of Leviticus is gone,” Francis confirmed. “Instead we’ve taken a realistic route and included a gay love affair and wedding between Jesus and his disciple John.” The Vatican is set to release the 79-page Jorge Mario Betgoglio Bible by Easter Sunday – or as the new holy book calls it – April Fool’s Day.