Early reports confirm Trump stars in the film as Ronald Klump, an “incredibly-relatable, African American Trump supporter who ventures on a mission to get Mexico to pay for the wall.”
Trump is trying to rectify the situation by sending Civil War participation trophies to his seething supporters.
Gillette says they intend to replace the marketing team with all female, yet conservative employees “so both sides shut up.”
“We’re giving new mothers 24 hours off, 8 of which will be paid. That leaves plenty of time for doing Kegels.”
“I have never seen that much blood.”
South Carolina Governor Henry McMaster announced today that he will be performing the national anthem before the Super Bowl utilizing only his anus. Known for being outspoken – having demanded that everyone stand for the national anthem – McMaster says he’s been practicing for years and can ‘hit every note, low and high.’ In response […]
“Handies start at $18 and prices go up from there.”
“He didn’t know that whales were real and he is unreasonably terrified of them.”
“Americans can expect to see Christmas decorations in stores for around 5 to 6 months out of the year.”
Mass graves are filling up outside of the Ford Truck Plant in Dearborn, MI.
A poll of 565 men has found that 82% did not believe mutual masturbation to be a homosexual act, with respondents expressing a sentiment that touching cock isn’t gay, but lips touching lips is gay – meaning that emotional intimacy is their real issue – not the dick. What do you think? Joshua O’brien: “If […]
Ginsburg is maintaining a steady high with edibles from Senator Sanders until her new lung is healed.
“We do strongly prefer that they be handed over as they’ll be repurposed as thrusting devices in sex toys.”
The 112 bed, 202 bath Mar-a-Lago Federal Correction Complex will be one of a kind.
Trump starts gagging and declares that ‘the golden juice went down the wrong pipe!’
“With McCain already tormenting Donald Trump by repeatedly moving and re-hiding the pee tape, we can only expect worse and worse episodes.”
We may never understand what a vegan is, or why fish qualifies as a meat, but we’ll never forget that if global warming is real, at least the vegans died first.” – DonaldTrump
The tweet was accompanied by the hashtags #WhiteLivesMatter and #Disgraceful.
We’re leaning toward ‘acting just like all of you fucking assholes.’
“Jim just got front row seats to Broadway’s shit musical ‘Adolph Twitler: The Fuckface von Clownstick Story’
Ginsburg didn’t know she’d broken her ribs until bruising showed through her tattoos.
Scott Walker will now have to flush his system of illegal substances in order to qualify for unemployment assistance.
“I almost gave up and started drawing patterns in the bubbles, but then I remembered I was voting.”
Previously Subaru had used coded marketing tactics to reach lesbians.
“Starbucks will now be using cups with the following messages and designs instead of the happy holidays ones…”
None of our anchors can say “Trump” without vomiting.
The package was a 6 foot tall, gold-plated cube that weighed nearly 3.5 tons.
“If all of this goes according to their godless plan, the Korean Water Ghosts will force us to follow their cultural views or be killed.”
“It’s not like we’re asking them to carry our purses up there – although that would be ideal and hopefully it leads to that.”
The NRA is utilizing “balloon art guns” and the hashtag #LiterallyDead as part of their marketing.