(Brookfield, WI) After overeating during her Thanksgiving meal with lots of friends and family, Grandma Gertrude Sullivan will nod off in her comfy recliner for a few hours in a food coma; like she does every year. Just a few days later, she’ll be taken to the hospital where she will test positive for COVID that’s traced back to Thanksgiving. She’ll be put on a ventilator. Not long thereafter, Grandma Sullivan will slip into an actual coma and die.
Proving that Taylor Swift fans will buy anything she puts out, the singer’s newest album – which is comprised of just her farting – went platinum in only 10 minutes. Titled ‘Squeak Now,’ Swift’s latest album features farting that lasts for 13 tracks, or nearly 70 minutes. The singer also announced that she will be releasing a special edition album with commentary and two, live-version bonus tracks. Notably Swift says she made this album entirely by herself using all five restrooms in her Beverly Hills house. Photo Credit Eva Rinaldi
Staffers are reporting that the White House received a huge shipment of straws today after president Trump grasped at every last one he could find while trying to come up with a believable reason to overturn election results. “The president may have temporarily run out of straws, but he didn’t run out of additional challenges to the 2020 election,” one staffer stated. “With this new shipment of straws we expect that Mr. Trump will be able to contest the election for at least five or six more weeks.”
Having successfully rigged the 2020 presidential election for Joe Biden, Democrats are just now realizing that they forgot to cheat in all of the House and Senate races that took place across the country. “Whoops! We fixed the election for Joe Biden, but we totally forgot to cheat down-ballot,” political organizer Stacey Abrams stated. “We could have easily taken complete control of Congress if someone in our massive conspiracy had just thought of the idea. What a huge missed opportunity!” Despite their gross oversight, Democrats say that they plan to make up for it by cheating in Georgia’s January Senate runoff the same way they cheated in the presidential election: by organizing, registering people to vote, and helping them get to their polling places.
Joe Biden told reporters today in an afternoon press conference that his campaign is “so close to victory that he can sniff it” and that he “didn’t even have to creep up from behind this time.”
Having previously stated that he “might cry a lot” if he loses, the White House released a video today depicting Donald Trump gorging himself on KFC and McDonald’s while sobbing uncontrollably. The video, which was reportedly filmed in the past few days, was created to warn the American people of what to expect from the president if he loses the election. “We didn’t want anyone to be shocked by the amount of crying that the president will be doing if he loses,” White House Press Secretary Kayleigh McEnany confirmed. “We also didn’t want the public to be alarmed by the weight the president will gain in the final months of his presidency. This will undoubtedly be a new kind of presidential low.”
Looking to ease the nation’s worries that the United States is on the brink of civil war, historians have come together to point out that too many Trump supporters have gotten COVID for the modern day South to physically rise again. “Most of Mr. Trump’s strongest supporters are now sick, dying, or dead as they’ve attended Trump’s super-spreader rallies in the past few weeks, or simply refused to social distance and wear masks,” one historian stated. “They don’t have the strength or numbers to fight a war, much less to make it to the polling places to cast their vote. Because of this, a civil war is quite unlikely.”