Unsure of exactly what Columbus Day is, or how or why people celebrate it, local man Tim Morris of Delafield, Wisconsin says he’ll be absolutely livid if lawmakers remove the holiday. “This doesn’t impact Tim or anyone I know at all,” Tim’s wife Kaytie stated. “He isn’t even a government employee, so he wouldn’t be losing a day of paid vacation or anything either. He’s just going crazy from sitting on the couch and watching Fox News all day.” As of late Wednesday evening Morris was on twitter telling liberals that they’re “destroying history” despite not knowing anything about Christopher Columbus, what country he came from, where he landed, how many innocent people he killed or that he didn’t discover America.
Sources inside the White House revealed today that president Trump refuses to wear a mask because he is afraid of the R.L. Stine children’s horror book The Haunted Mask in which a Halloween mask slowly becomes part of the main character’s face and they are unable to remove it. “Ever since reading this Goosebumps book back in 1993, Mr. Trump hasn’t been comfortable putting any sort of mask on his face as he is terrified that it will become permanently attached,” White House Press Secretary Kayleigh McEnany stated. “I think we all need to respect the president and not mock him for his fear.” McEnany also noted something that might explain Trump’s skin color. “The president covers himself in Goo Gone – America’s number one adhesive remover – every morning to ensure that nothing can become stuck to his body. You might think it’s funny, but so far it’s worked.”
Just days after Mississippi lawmakers voted to replace the state flag because it included the old, racist Confederate flag in the top left corner, government officials have unveiled a new design that has upset both atheists and racists in the country. “We left an empty void in the top left corner to represent a white flag of surrender. This corrects the history of our flag and shows that the Confederacy was the loser of a war in which they were traitors to their country and defenders of slavery,” Mississippi Governor Tate Reeves stated. “Now, unfortunately this pissed off our racist, ignorant residents and there’s no reasoning with stupid. So, to calm them down a bit, we added an oversized ‘In God We Trust’ to the flag, but this has angered the atheists and sort of annoyed the agnostics.” In response, the American Atheists released a pointed statement. “If there really was an all-knowing, all-powerful and loving ‘God’ then we wouldn’t have to deal with hate, war, and racism in the first place. The new state flag might as well say ‘We’re stupid and scared’,” the letter read. “Getting people to think is like herding cattle. So, we’ll take this baby step against racism as a small victory and keep pushing to remove ‘God’ from the flag because the government cannot endorse one religious view over another. The constitution doesn’t care about your unfounded feelings.” As of Tuesday morning, the atheists had already begun taking the necessary legal steps to challenge the new flag in court. Meanwhile, hundreds of angry protesters who don’t understand the meaning behind the Confederate flag, what Jesus would really do, or how government works were gathering outside the state capital with their biggest guns.
Chase Rice concert-goers were given the rare chance to be literal diehard fans over the weekend as the popular country singer decided to play a crowded show in the midst of the coronavirus pandemic. Seconds into the start of the his set, nearly everyone in attendance began reporting that blood was pouring out of their ears. “We want to reassure first time fans that this happens every time Chase takes the stage,” an official statement released by the band reads. “It’s perfectly normal for his unoriginal, corporate-pandering, clowntown honkey bullshit to reach the human brain and immediately cause extreme hemorrhaging due to cognitive dissonance. The blood streaming out of your ears is just a sign that your body is both accepting and enjoying the experience.” As of Monday morning, a new message had been added to the musician’s website which encouraged fans to bring their own tampons to use as ear plugs at future shows until the star can finalize a deal with major tampon company Kotex who has reportedly already created custom signage with the slogan “Chris Rice is Kotex Country”.
In perhaps his boldest move in years, Russian president Vladimir Putin admitted today that he had placed a bounty on the heads of American troops in Afghanistan. The cavalier admission comes less than a day after Russia vehemently denied the accusations. “What does it really matter at this point? There are too many strings attached to America’s so-called leader,” Putin stated. “that orange puppet won’t do shit.” When reached for a statement, the Trump administration said that it “will be responding to Putin’s shocking claims just as soon as Russia provides the official talking points.”
The American Association of Retired People (AARP) released a new poll today revealing that, when forced to choose, 87% of Americans over 50 would prefer to have sex with Joe Biden over Donald Trump. Reasons cited by the more than 1,400 participants varied from the candidates’ weight and the chance of catching diseases to apparent hygiene, perceived stamina, and anticipated odors. Upon hearing about the poll, an angry president Trump tweeted out: Trump’s tweet has raised eyebrows as his current wife Melania turned 50 back in April and her marriage contract doesn’t expire for nearly five more years.
Disney parks in Florida and California announced today that they will be giving the classic Fantasyland ride ‘It’s a Small World’ a complete makeover in order to bring the ride up to speed with modern times. The ride will notably no longer segregate various races and cultures from one another while highlighting stereotypes, but rather depict these groups living together in harmony. Disney says the company hopes the ride will teach kids and adults alike to learn to love and accept everyone for who they are. Despite their best intentions, the planned changes to the ride have outraged many on the right, including political pundit Sean Hannity who has called for a boycott of the company. “Disney has taken a timeless classic and butchered it by not keeping the races separated in order to… in order to… to celebrate our differences and uniqueness,” Hannity stated. “If they truly cared about diversity then they would have left the ride the hell alone!” In response to conservative anger about the change, Disney announced that they would also be updating the ride’s name to ‘It’s a Big World and We Need to Check Our Biases and Accept Everyone for Their Differences Without Passing Unfair Judgement’. A move that the right is calling both radical and inflammatory.