After the artists who created the Philadelphia Phanatic mascot asked to be compensated for their work, the Philadelphia Phillies went ahead and modified the character to avoid making a payout. The team says that other than adding a two-foot cock, their mascot will still be the same antic-filled, animated goofball he’s always been.
A new study by UCLA has identified a subsection of pickup truck drivers that have even smaller penises than the average truck owner: men with lifted trucks. The conclusive findings clearly show that there is an inverse correlation between truck size and penis size. “It’s pretty simple,” head researcher Timothy Dunkirk stated. “The bigger the truck, the smaller the penis. An easy way to remember is: truck tall, penis small.” Notably, the study also found that men who outfit their diesel trucks to belch out a giant clouds of black smoke – also known as “rolling coal” – often suffer from undescended testicles; or have none at all.
A swarm of 40,000 Africanized bees terrified white residents of Pasadena, California yesterday, prompting authorities to implement a stop-and-frisk policy in the city. “By simply stopping all of the African bees and forcibly removing their stingers, we will be able to ward off events like this in the future,” Mayor Terry Tornek stated. As of press time authorities had quadrupled the presence of police officers in historically African bee communities around the city. So far officers say they have confiscated about 4,500 stingers and have reported zero deaths.
Presidential candidate Pete Buttigieg dropped out of the race today after claiming he could speak Norwegian, but then failing to correctly pronounce Menneskerettighetsorganisasjonene; a word that means ‘human rights organizations.’ An embarrassed Buttigieg immediately apologized for his error and ended his campaign in disgrace. Meanwhile, in a tweet, president Trump mocked Buttigieg, stating “Little Mayor Pete just revealed himself as a lier and offended all of Skandiñavia. Pathetic. Good riddants.”
It’s no secret that the left and right are clashing harder than ever, so much so that large swaths of MAGA conservatives have become closeted out of fear for their personal safety. In fact, in the past month a 15-year old MAGA-hat-wearing boy was slapped by a grown man and, in another incident, a man ran over chairs and tables at a Republican voter registration booth with his car. The two assaults truly depict how hard it is to come out as MAGA in the US today. With experts estimating that at least 37% of the population is MAGA to some degree, countless right wing individuals are having to deal with discrimination for the first time in their lives. “Nobody can imagine what it’s like for us,” an anonymous MAGA man stated. “For someone to tell me that my love for the president is wrong. To shame me for who I am. Well that’s not the America I grew up in! That’s not how you treat your fellow man.” Meanwhile, some political experts are suggesting a Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell approach in which people who identify as MAGA can support the president, but must do so quietly.
President Trump served as the Grand Marshall at this year’s Daytona 500 yesterday. The race marked the 19th anniversary of Dale Earnhardt’s fatal crash at the same event and president Trump had harsh words for the deceased race car driver. “You know, they say he was one of the greatest. They even called him ‘The Intimidator’ folks! You can’t make this up,” Trump stated. “All you do is left turn, left turn, left turn, and maybe there’s a right in there. I don’t know. I don’t know. But it’s simple turns and Dale just drives into a wall. I prefer drivers who don’t crash.”
The Democratic Party will use yet another untested software in Nevada’s upcoming February 22nd caucus and many are concerned that the errors which surrounded deployment of the Iowa caucus app are being repeated once again. Countless caucus volunteers fear a repeat of Iowa will cause disarray within the Democratic Party and give Trump the upper hand in the presidential election. Notably, the decision came just days ago that Nevada caucus sites would be using the pre-loaded app on iPads to record results. To further shroud the whole situation in mystery, the Democratic Party has refused to disclose who created the application, but says it will “work like a charm.” Voters’ rights groups are understandably concerned about how the app has been designed and deployed. What do you think? “Should we shoot ourselves in the same foot again? Or should we shoot the other foot so we have nothing left to stand on?” – Maureen Dimpsey, Life-long Democrat, Art History Teacher “What’s wrong with paper? Did the Russians hack our paper mills?” – Dennis Feldman, Retired Paper Salesman “Good technology needs proper design, proper testing, and proper training. In that spirit, we hope to have the app intuitively designed by 2024, rigorously tested by 2028 and ready for use by 2032. Mark my words: There will be no fifth term for this corrupt president.” – Bill McCurdy, Nevada State Democratic Party Chair