English broadcaster and natural historian Sir David Attenborough has a new biopic coming out next year and he’s not pulling any punches. Reportedly, Attenborough was overheard today talking about how he had just finished filming birthday sex for the documentary. “I documented today’s coitus in order to bestow upon the world the intimate details of my annual copulation,” Attenborough was overheard saying,”I want the audience to know every single detail of my life.” According to the source, Attenborough plans to record the narration for today’s sexual intercourse before moving on to film himself on the toilet. Photo credit Katexic Clippings Newsletter
After realizing that his Republican colleagues were not going to do anything to stop him, a nervous Matt Gaetz worked up the courage today to send a $900 Venmo payment to his longtime friend and fellow alleged sexual predator Joel Greenberg. Careful not to mess up again, this time Gaetz didn’t type out “sex with underage girl” in the memo, instead opting to go with: “C’mon man! Get it together. This HAS TO BE LAST TIME!!!💦🍆” A sweaty, shaking Gaetz then hit “Pay” just before realizing that he had forgotten to change the settings to private again. As of press time Republicans were defending Gaetz, claiming that he was clearly making payments to his gardener for watering his eggplants. Original Photo credit Gage Skidmore
A new anti-abortion bill is close to becoming law in Texas after it passed 83-64 in the House yesterday. Senate Bill 8 would allow doctors to halt the hearts of pregnant women while they check to see if the fetus inside of them has a heartbeat. Should the bill become law, women who survive the medically-induced cardiac arrest will be prevented from having an abortion if any electrical impulses are detected during their brief brush with death. “Any beating heart, no matter the size, represents a life,” Republican Rep. Shelby Slawson stated. “And we have a moral duty to temporarily pause the hearts of mothers in order to be 100% sure that we are protecting that life.” As of press time Texas Republicans in the Senate were in the process of writing a bill targeting babies once they are born. Entitled the “YoYo Bill” – short for You’re on Your Own – the law would cut healthcare coverage for any babies born with preexisting conditions.
Photo credit Web Summit
Moderna announced today that the pharmaceutical company was in the final stages of testing a new suppository for the approximately 65 million Americans who are afraid of needles (trypanophobia). Notably, during the study, scientists made the shocking discovery that the majority of people who volunteered for the trials actually pretend to be anti-vaxxers and COVID conspiracy theorists to avoid dealing with their severe trypanophobia. “Conspiracists and those vocally against vaccines are now admitting, in large numbers, that they don’t really believe in the nonsense they’ve been saying. They were simply too afraid of needles to get the injections,” head researcher Thomas Underwood stated while demonstrating how to insert the suppository. “So, these people can now stick this up their ass and finally shut up about it.” Moderna representatives say that the public can expect the new suppository – which is named analprodmyzone – to be available in the next month or two. Those who wish to receive the medicine will still need to have it administered by a medical professional, out in the open, right next to other people who are receiving their COVID shots.
Kim Kardashian is now officially a sponsor for the plant-based meat company Beyond Meat in the first ever example of one giant pile of fake meat supporting another. Original photo credit for Beyond Meat Marco Verch, Kim Kardashian David Shankbone.
Liz Cheney has been taking heat from fellow Republicans ever since she tweeted yesterday that “The 2020 presidential election was not stolen,” and that “Anyone who claims it was is spreading THE BIG LIE, turning their back on the rule of law, and poisoning our democratic system.” The tweet made countless liberals applaud Cheney’s for her stance, with some even referring to her as the “conscience of the Republican party.” In reacting to the newfound support from Democrats, Cheney has said that she’s “increasingly uncomfortable with the notion that liberals would praise anything that I would do.” Cheney also released a short statement later in the day: “Listen up liberals. You need to remember that I’m still a horrible, horrible person,” Cheney wrote. “I am still anti-gay marriage, I am still anti-abortion and pro-torture. I deny that global warming exists and I want to abolish the EPA. And Let’s not forget that the Democrats are the party of anti-Semitism and infanticide. So never forget where I stand.” As of press time nobody liked Liz Cheney.