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Animal Rights
New York’s Streets Run Red With Blood After State Bans Cat Declawing
“It’s sheer chaos,” New York Governor Andrew Cuomo stated. “Our pussies have gone mad with power.”
Uber’s New Submarine Service ‘ScUber’ Will Let Riders Drop Trash Directly on The Great Barrier Reef
“If you can toss a plastic soda ring right around a turtle’s neck or ram a straw up their nose you win $100 in Uber ride credits.”
Sarah McLachlan Passes The Curse of The Arms of The Angel on to Maelyn Jarmon Live on The Voice
Elders of the ASPCA materialized on stage. Cloaked in black hoods, they hovered and waited for Jarmon to sign their commercial contract in her own blood.
What Happens to the 19 Dead Horses After the Kentucky Derby?
“We sell the meat to Taco Bell, send a bunch of parts to candy factories and use the rest to make high-end huffing glue.”
Weird Tech: Watch the Life Story of Animals as You Eat Them
“Unless Redbox starts squeezing out moist, two-year-old prosciutto with every DVD, I have no idea how they’re going to compete with this.”
US Announces ‘Whale Force’ Military Division
“We wanted to name it something to do with the color blue, because the ocean is blue, even from space. In the end we settled on Whale Force and I think that’s just fine.”
Lettuce Recall Helps Millions of Vegans Cut Carbon Footprint by Dying of Starvation
We may never understand what a vegan is, or why fish qualifies as a meat, but we’ll never forget that if global warming is real, at least the vegans died first.” – DonaldTrump
Tofurky Releases Trophy-Hunt Lion Steak, More Options
“We’re trying to attract more meat-eaters by selling a diverse selection of what we are pretty sure they like to eat,”
President Trump Has Strangled a Bear Cub to Death on the North Lawn
This was a direct response to outcry from PETA regarding changes in Alaskan hunting regulations which would…
Strange Foods Only Found in These States
Weird Foods the Locals Eat: From Alabama to Wisconsin. Would You Try Them? #StrangeFood
Working Americans Cherish Flu Season
“I absolutely loathe flu season,” stated Comcast CEO Brian L. Roberts.
Lying Obummers Slays Pardoned Turkeys
Obama backtracks on promise to spare the lives of innocent turkeys named Tater and Tot – ruining a longstanding American tradition.
SeaWorld Refusing to Free Dead Whale
SeaWorld in San Antonio, Texas is refusing to properly dispose of the corpse of the recently deceased, 18-year-old orca named Unna. Instead, the park has opted to continue using the lifeless animal to continue bringing in crowds and doing shows.
With PETA in an uproar and petitions circling the Internet…