Fox News host Tucker Carlson spent an entire hour last night attacking the Biden family for allegedly declawing the new White House cat. The decision to focus on the topic came despite the fact that nobody at Fox had confirmed if the animal had undergone the barbaric procedure. “If anything, cat paws are just a smaller version of bear arms, and we all know that we have the right to bear arms,” Tucker Carlson shouted at the camera while putting on cat ears. “Shall not be infringed means shall not be infringed! You can take our claws from our cold dead paws! Meow! Meow! Meeeooowwww!” Carlson yelled while leaping up on top of his desk. Carlson then went on to debate whether or not a cat’s paws constitute an automatic or semi-automatic weapon and just what kind of ammunition the claws themselves would equate to. The unhinged anchor – who by this point had painted cat whiskers on his face while referring to the Second Amendment as the “Second A-MEOW-ndment” – decided that a cat’s paws and claws are “automatic and hollow-point” after describing how felines utilize the appendage and how the claws themselves are physically structured. As of press time, Tucker Carlson Tonight was still the number one most-watched cable news show, despite Fox News admitting that Carlson is not ‘stating actual facts’ about the topics he discusses and is instead engaging in ‘exaggeration’ and ‘non-literal commentary.’ Original Photo credit Gage Skidmore
Animal Rights
Swarm of 40,000 Africanized Bees Prompts City to Enact Stop-and-Frisk Policy
A swarm of 40,000 Africanized bees terrified white residents of Pasadena, California yesterday, prompting authorities to implement a stop-and-frisk policy in the city. “By simply stopping all of the African bees and forcibly removing their stingers, we will be able to ward off events like this in the future,” Mayor Terry Tornek stated. As of press time authorities had quadrupled the presence of police officers in historically African bee communities around the city. So far officers say they have confiscated about 4,500 stingers and have reported zero deaths.
Cadbury releases hair-covered chocolate bar in recognition of furry pride
The hair-covered confection comes with a prominent choking hazard warning as the company acknowledges that the hair can get lodged in the windpipe.
Mississippi Has Been Feeding Its Unsuspecting Residents Vegan, Plant-Based Protein Since 2009
“It’s safe to say that most residents of the state of Mississippi have been vegetarian, or close to it, since 2009.” – Governor Phil Bryant
North West’s Pet Hamster Kills Itself After Being Stuck With Kim Kardashian for Two Hours
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New York’s Streets Run Red With Blood After State Bans Cat Declawing
“It’s sheer chaos,” New York Governor Andrew Cuomo stated. “Our pussies have gone mad with power.”
Uber’s New Submarine Service ‘ScUber’ Will Let Riders Drop Trash Directly on The Great Barrier Reef
“If you can toss a plastic soda ring right around a turtle’s neck or ram a straw up their nose you win $100 in Uber ride credits.”