A swarm of 40,000 Africanized bees terrified white residents of Pasadena, California yesterday, prompting authorities to implement a stop-and-frisk policy in the city. “By simply stopping all of the African bees and forcibly removing their stingers, we will be able to ward off events like this in the future,” Mayor Terry Tornek stated. As of press time authorities had quadrupled the presence of police officers in historically African bee communities around the city. So far officers say they have confiscated about 4,500 stingers and have reported zero deaths.
Animal Rights
Cadbury releases hair-covered chocolate bar in recognition of furry pride
The hair-covered confection comes with a prominent choking hazard warning as the company acknowledges that the hair can get lodged in the windpipe.
Mississippi Has Been Feeding Its Unsuspecting Residents Vegan, Plant-Based Protein Since 2009
“It’s safe to say that most residents of the state of Mississippi have been vegetarian, or close to it, since 2009.” – Governor Phil Bryant
North West’s Pet Hamster Kills Itself After Being Stuck With Kim Kardashian for Two Hours
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New York’s Streets Run Red With Blood After State Bans Cat Declawing
“It’s sheer chaos,” New York Governor Andrew Cuomo stated. “Our pussies have gone mad with power.”
Uber’s New Submarine Service ‘ScUber’ Will Let Riders Drop Trash Directly on The Great Barrier Reef
“If you can toss a plastic soda ring right around a turtle’s neck or ram a straw up their nose you win $100 in Uber ride credits.”
Sarah McLachlan Passes The Curse of The Arms of The Angel on to Maelyn Jarmon Live on The Voice
Elders of the ASPCA materialized on stage. Cloaked in black hoods, they hovered and waited for Jarmon to sign their commercial contract in her own blood.