A swarm of 40,000 Africanized bees terrified white residents of Pasadena, California yesterday, prompting authorities to implement a stop-and-frisk policy in the city. “By simply stopping all of the African bees and forcibly removing their stingers, we will be able to ward off events like this in the future,” Mayor Terry Tornek stated. As of press time authorities had quadrupled the presence of police officers in historically African bee communities around the city. So far officers say they have confiscated about 4,500 stingers and have reported zero deaths. Advertisements
The hair-covered confection comes with a prominent choking hazard warning as the company acknowledges that the hair can get lodged in the windpipe.
“It’s safe to say that most residents of the state of Mississippi have been vegetarian, or close to it, since 2009.” – Governor Phil Bryant
“It’s sheer chaos,” New York Governor Andrew Cuomo stated. “Our pussies have gone mad with power.”
“If you can toss a plastic soda ring right around a turtle’s neck or ram a straw up their nose you win $100 in Uber ride credits.”
Elders of the ASPCA materialized on stage. Cloaked in black hoods, they hovered and waited for Jarmon to sign their commercial contract in her own blood.