A desperate, broke Donald Trump was overheard shouting “C’mon baby! Donny needs a new set of results!” as he rolled the dice again by sending yet another $3 million to Wisconsin to recount votes for a second time. “The president has a real problem and it’s quite sad,” one staffer confirmed. “Mr. Trump’s recount addiction has him stuck in a never-ending cycle of lies and deliberate distortion of facts. Unfortunately his supporters are enabling him as they keep giving the president donations whenever he asks.” Indeed, shortly after blowing another $3 million in Wisconsin, Trump made yet another plea for money. “I can get back all of those lost votes in Georgia and Pennsylvania if you just give me a couple million dollars,” a wild-eyed Trump told his followers “I swear, I’m good for it! Just send me the money and I’ll pay you back with a victory.” Photo Credit Michael Vadon
Staffers are reporting that the White House received a huge shipment of straws today after president Trump grasped at every last one he could find while trying to come up with a believable reason to overturn election results. “The president may have temporarily run out of straws, but he didn’t run out of additional challenges to the 2020 election,” one staffer stated. “With this new shipment of straws we expect that Mr. Trump will be able to contest the election for at least five or six more weeks.”
Having successfully rigged the 2020 presidential election for Joe Biden, Democrats are just now realizing that they forgot to cheat in all of the House and Senate races that took place across the country. “Whoops! We fixed the election for Joe Biden, but we totally forgot to cheat down-ballot,” political organizer Stacey Abrams stated. “We could have easily taken complete control of Congress if someone in our massive conspiracy had just thought of the idea. What a huge missed opportunity!” Despite their gross oversight, Democrats say that they plan to make up for it by cheating in Georgia’s January Senate runoff the same way they cheated in the presidential election: by organizing, registering people to vote, and helping them get to their polling places.
Having previously stated that he “might cry a lot” if he loses, the White House released a video today depicting Donald Trump gorging himself on KFC and McDonald’s while sobbing uncontrollably. The video, which was reportedly filmed in the past few days, was created to warn the American people of what to expect from the president if he loses the election. “We didn’t want anyone to be shocked by the amount of crying that the president will be doing if he loses,” White House Press Secretary Kayleigh McEnany confirmed. “We also didn’t want the public to be alarmed by the weight the president will gain in the final months of his presidency. This will undoubtedly be a new kind of presidential low.”
Looking to ease the nation’s worries that the United States is on the brink of civil war, historians have come together to point out that too many Trump supporters have gotten COVID for the modern day South to physically rise again. “Most of Mr. Trump’s strongest supporters are now sick, dying, or dead as they’ve attended Trump’s super-spreader rallies in the past few weeks, or simply refused to social distance and wear masks,” one historian stated. “They don’t have the strength or numbers to fight a war, much less to make it to the polling places to cast their vote. Because of this, a civil war is quite unlikely.”
President Trump signed an executive order today that pardoned himself for “any and all crimes in the past, present, or future” – ensuring that even if he loses the election that he will still have absolute immunity for the rest of his life. “I’m not saying that I did anything wrong, but if I did I didn’t mean to; it was an accident,” Trump stated. “And if I did, it’s not really a big deal because others have done far worse. And if I accidentally commit more crimes in the future it won’t matter because I’m signing this executive order right now.”
Desperately seeking to grab the nation’s attention, former President Barack Obama set up a stage and a podium in the middle of Philadelphia’s I-76 and delivered an impassioned speech denouncing Donald Trump this afternoon. Despite repeated and raucous honking, Obama persisted and delivered a 40-minute speech as traffic backed up for more than 17 miles. Org. photo credit Gabbec