During his second impeachment, Donald Trump’s lawyers revealed that they have “damning evidence” showing high-ranking Democrat leaders participating in an “underground fight club” in the basement of the Capitol building. “The Democrats are claiming that the violence at the Capitol was set off by Donald Trump, but we now have clear evidence showing that these same Democrats have been hosting their own violent, fight-to-the-death events within the hallowed grounds of our nation’s Capitol,” Trump lawyer Michael van der Veen stated. “So, it only follows that the violence at the Capitol started with them.” “To be clear, this isn’t about asking distracting questions like ‘what about this, or what about that?’” Michael van der Veen affirmed. “It’s more about asking yourself ‘what else might possibly seem to matter that doesn’t have anything to do with this trial?” van der Veen then continued while pointing to a poorly-Photoshopped PowerPoint slide depicting top Democrats. “What about this!? What about this so-called Capitol insurrection really matters in light of this new evidence? What about the not-so-crazy idea of actually believing in this new evidence we’ve shown today?” the wide-eyed lawyer asked while pointing to yet another poorly Photoshopped image, this time of a bloodied and bruised Nancy Pelosi. “Mr. Trump is innocent, so what about we start a new trial focusing on the damning evidence that we’ve put together here instead!? What about it folks?”
When asked today how he felt about the Trumps not following tradition and inviting his family to the White House, Joe Biden told reporters that he wasn’t bothered by it at all. “It’s no skin off my nose! We all know the man’s a chicken-hearted, white-livered chucklehead,” Biden laughed. “He’s all hat and no cattle. And he can try to avoid me all he wants, but I promise that I’ll be visiting Trump when he goes to prison. Because I’m a considerate guy like that.” When reached for comment, the White House released a statement saying that they didn’t know which crimes Joe Biden was accusing the president of committing. “If Joe Biden thinks Donald Trump committed a crime, then he’s going to have to be a lot more specific so we can address his particular claims because right now there are literally dozens of open court cases and lawsuits against the President.”
Citing a lack of anonymity as being their primary mistake, countless arrested domestic terrorists who stormed the Capitol now say they regret not wearing white, pointy hoods like their grandparents had during riots past. “Collectively, we should have learned from our family histories about how this works,” accused terrorist Jake Chansley stated. “We should have stormed the Capitol while wearing hoods and robes, not horns and furs.” Indeed, countless insurrectionists now find themselves on the no-fly list, facing felonies, and very likely to be barred from voting or owning guns. “All of these arrests could have been avoided if we’d just embraced our grandparents’ fashion choices for such events,” Chansley stated. “My God. Have we learned nothing from history!?” As of press time, many of the arrested domestic terrorists were blaming president Trump for telling them what to do, but not how to go about getting away with it.
Hundreds of pigeons bearing handwritten messages from Donald Trump were released from the White House today after Trump was banned from Twitter and nearly every other social media site. The president – who was annoyed by the birds flying around and shitting on him in the Oval Office – had the birds’ wings clipped, thus preventing them from flying and essentially banning himself from using pigeons as a method of communication. Notably, experts have pointed out that the birds weren’t even carrier pigeons. As of press time nearly 1,000 now-flightless birds were walking around and defecating on the White House’s North Lawn.
The US Supreme Court issued a rare message to the general public today letting the country know that they’d “gladly take on an election case if there were any real [expletive] evidence of voter fraud.” “Although we have taken on countless controversial issues throughout this nation’s history – such as abortion and gay marriage – these election lawsuits have no standing. A trial can take place when there’s a shred of goddamned evidence, but it’s become clear that there isn’t any. Donald Trump should be ashamed of himself.” The nine justices then continued to shock the country by congratulating Joe Biden on his victory. “President Elect Joe Biden should be proud of the race he ran and his clear victory,” the letter read. “He’s been nothing but composed and compassionate in the face of utter buffoonery coming on a daily basis from Mr. Trump. As far as decorum goes, Donald Trump will not be missed. What an asshole.”
President Trump told reporters today that he was open to the idea of becoming president of any states that want to secede from the union. The comment came after reporters asked the president what he thought about conservative radio host Rush Limbaugh stating that “there cannot be a peaceful coexistence between liberals and conservatives,” and that “we’re trending toward secession.” “What we have here is a deeply divided country. I mean, they mostly voted for me, but we’re heavily divided.” Trump stated. “So if it comes down to it, I’d love to be president of the new Confederate States of America. If that’s what the people want, we should give it to them!”