President Donald Trump shocked White House staffers today when he walked out of his bedroom, bald as a cue ball, and headed straight to the James F. Brady press briefing room to address journalists. The president says that the decision to go au naturel came after a late night discussion with Kellyanne Conway regarding optics and full transparency. “I had a conversation with Kellyanne and while she was talking and talking I said to myself in the mirror, ‘you know what Donald? You’re great! You are absolutely terrific. You really are.’ And I am! I really am.” Trump smiled while rubbing his bald scalp. “So I don’t need to spend three hours hair-spraying my wig every morning just to impress everyone.” “Folks, I’m going to be SO transparent that you will be like: ‘Hey! Where is he? Where did Donald go!?’ Trump concluded by claiming “I’m the first bald President – ever. Can you believe it? The first one folks! So remember: No wig to show, no quid pro quo!” Advertisements
South Carolina Senator and closeted homosexual Lindsey Graham told reporters today that he’d “snort a pound of cocaine out of the president’s chocolate starfish before even considering impeachment.” “That’s right,” a wide-eyed Graham continued. “I’ll take a pound of coke from Mr. Trump’s stash, and do bump after bump until my little Southern belle heart explodes.” Political experts immediately called Graham’s bluff, citing the fact that the Senator would first need to be capable of removing his head from the president’s ass in order to snort anything.
A White House staffer named Donna Brump, who claims to be “unbelievably close” to President Trump, testified today before Congress. In a shocking series of seemingly unforced admissions, Brump unequivocally proved that president Trump has violated the US Constitution. “I don’t even know who Donna Brump is,” Trump tweeted minutes after Brump left the hearing. “I’ve never met this person. She may be an incredibly handsome woman, but I have no idea what she was talking about.”
Physician to the president Sean Conley revealed today that president Trump’s massive butt-cheek implants have been leaking lead into his bloodstream for months; maybe even years. “Symptoms of lead poisoning include learning disabilities, constipation, hyperactivity, and irritability,” Conley stated. “The president checks all of those boxes, but it’s a small price to pay to look like Kim Kardashian.” Trump campaign staffers say it’s unlikely the president will remove the implants as he uses them to clap for himself at rallies.
In a show of solidarity with president Trump, prominent Republican lawmakers made waves today when they took a knee during the national anthem. Republicans say they’re protesting the impeachment hearings in Washington DC because they are “un-American.” “When something so unjust keeps happening over and over again – and to the same group of people – you simply can’t keep quiet anymore,” Kentucky Senator Mitch McConnell stated. Speaker Nancy Pelosi also commented on the kneeling incident. “Republicans think that white lies don’t matter,” Pelosi stated. “The truth is that all lies matter, and we’ve caught the president in a big one.”
In a morning news conference with reporters president Trump took the better part of an hour to share his own war story: The Battle of The Bone Spurs. “People were coming at me from left and right. Every angle folks, every angle,” Trump stated. “And just as the Enlisting Forces were about to take me captive, and likely kill me, because they’re killers these people; I evaded the enemy with a doctor’s note.” “So am I a hero?” Trump grinned while placing the Purple Heart around his own neck. “I don’t know. You tell me.”
After demanding that the whistleblower be revealed at a Trump rally last night, Senator Rand Paul was met at the front door of his Bowling Green home by fellow libertarian and neighbor Tim Dunleavy who immediately began kicking the ever-living shit out of him once again. “It’s great being Rand’s neighbor,” Dunleavy stated. “Sometimes I’ll walk over there to borrow sugar, and other times he opens the door and I just drop the motherfucker.” “Rand’s a fake, plain and simple,” Dunleavy grinned while cleaning the blood off his knuckles. Nothing says ‘libertarian’ like intimidating people who point out abuses of government power.”