The White House announced the release of Donald Trump’s new, pre-election book titled My Struggle today, prompting the country of Germany to ban the paperback instantly. White House Press Secretary Kayleigh McEnany said that, despite strong pushback, the book will be included as mandatory reading in all schools under Trump’s newly announced Patriotic Education Commission. “Mr. Trump’s new book, which is an autobiographical manifesto, details the hardships that the president has had to endure throughout his life to get to where he is today,” McEnany stated. “From heavy, gold-plated diapers and bone spurs to seven bankruptcies and two failed marriages. It’s all in there. It’s all very humanizing.” The book is set to hit stores next Monday, while millions of free copies will be handed out at US schools. “Because Mr. Trump cares about the education of our children, he has organized a nationwide group called the ‘Trump Youth’ that will be handing out free copies of My Struggle at schools all across the country,” McEnany confirmed.
President Trump has been trying to downplay his flatulence problem since journalist and author Bob Woodward released 18 recordings today in which the president is heard audibly farting nearly 150 times. In one interview alone, back in February, Trump farted eleven times during a single statement in which he revealed he knew new the coronavirus pandemic was far more serious than he was telling the public. “It’s a very tricky situation – fart. It goes through the air Bob – fart, fart – … you just breathe the air and that’s how it’s passed – fart. It’s also more deadly than even your – fart – more strenuous flus. This is far more deadly – fart. This is 5% whereas the flu is only 1%.” Trump continued. “It’s not just old people, Bob – fart. Some startling farts – fart, fart, fart – err… facts came out. It’s not just old people dying,” Trump stated. “I wanted to always play it down. I still like playing it down because I don’t want to create a – fart – panic.” As of press time, the country was bracing for even more hot air to come out of the president as he tries explaining away Woodward’s recordings.
Of the nearly 20.4 million US veterans in the United States, the Trump Administration managed to coax just under 700 of them on Craigslist to sign an open letter in support of the president. The letter comes just after it was revealed by multiple sources that Trump had called veterans “suckers” and “losers” in the past, and questioned why people join the military in the first place. The president also reportedly pushed back against having injured veterans in military parades, saying, “nobody wants to see that.” What do you think?
Merriam-Webster made a controversial move today when they announced that they had added yet another definition for the word ‘trumpery’ to the dictionary. The company explained their decision in a press release. “We believed it to be appropriate for current times to affix one more definition to the word ‘trumpery’ in our big book of words,” the press release read. “As you can see below, we’ve also added the word ‘douchebaggery’ as there wasn’t a perfect word to further describe the president and enhance the new definition.” As of press time the president was calling for the boycott of all dictionaries; something that the vast majority of his supporters had already been doing.
During an interview on Fox News, president Trump told Laura Ingraham that the police officer who shot Jacob Blake seven times in the back had “choked” much like “missing a three foot putt.” But the strange answer didn’t stop there. In the edited out portion of the tape, Trump continued his comparison for another fourteen minutes. “Everyone knows that seven shots is over par for any hole. So I don’t know what that officer was doing. That’s sloppy play.” Trump stated. “But when you think about it, seven shots over par on… say the back nine at Mar-a-Lago is actually pretty good. So it really just depends on whatever it is we’re talking about here.” At this point Ingraham had unsuccessfully tried to stop Trump’s insensitive, incoherent rambling twice, but he continued. “You know, just the other day I was playing golf with a few Black guys and I shot a hole in one. I shot a hole in one on a par five. Can you believe it?” Trump asked a stunned Ingraham. “And honestly that’s the closest I’ve come to what that officer did because honestly nobody has done more for the Black community than me. Maybe Abraham Lincoln. Maybe Lincoln. I wonder if he golfed.” Photo credit Gage Skidmore
Muttering to himself “it had better fucking work this time,” Donald Trump held up a box of rat poison today and told supporters that it was yet another cure for COVID-19. Privately, Trump admitted that the move was just another hasty, last ditch effort to lose the election. “You’re gonna want to eat the whole box. Some people say two boxes to make sure you really kill the virus,” Trump told the cheering crowd. “You’ll feel worse at first, but shortly thereafter you won’t feel anything at all.” After leaving the stage the president told reporters from CNN and MSNBC what he was really doing, knowing that his supporters wouldn’t believe the news outlets’ footage of him anyway. “Man it feels really good to finally say this out loud: I’m absolutely sick and tired of being president. I don’t want to do it anymore. What in the fuck is wrong with these people?” Trump stated while motioning toward the crowd. “I’ve been trying to hand this thing to Biden for months and it still looks like I might win. What the fuck do I have to say or do to throw this election?” Indeed, Trump’s frustration is warranted as his supporters don’t seem to care that people are dying from COVID-19, that he wouldn’t set an example by wearing a mask for months on end, or that he had recommended that people take deadly drugs. “These morons entertained the idea of injecting or drinking disinfectants. I told them to try the unproven drug hydroxychloroquine and then I upped the ante by suggesting the use of oleandrin – a poisonous extract that kills,” a visibly saddened Trump stated. “At this point my life has become a sad, sad joke. What did I do to deserve this? Maybe I’m in hell.” As of Sunday night the president said he had too much pride to just quit the race. Instead, he was strongly considering actually shooting someone in the middle of 5th Avenue to see if that would make him lose votes.
President Trump took questions regarding Kenosha shooter Kyle Rittenhouse from the press today while in Lake Charles, Louisiana as he was assessing the damage from Category 4 Hurricane Laura. Many are calling what the president said absurd, while others say that his words were quite troubling. “You know, they say when you become an officer that you get more rights, more protections. So it’s terrible what’s happening to Kyle folks. Just terrible. Did you know he had been a cadet training to be an officer?” Trump asked. “Maybe that should count? Maybe we should lower the age to become an officer? Maybe we’ll have kids patrol the cities and we can call them the ‘Trump Youth.’ I don’t know. I don’t know.” Kenosha Police Chief Daniel Miskinis offered a similar statement when asked about the president’s comments. “Yes, it is fair to say that Mr. Rittenhouse really jumped the gun on this one. The whole thing would have shook out very differently for him if he were old enough to be a police officer, but if you aren’t officially in the brotherhood, we can’t help you,” Miskinis stated. “The only crime here is that he wasn’t one of us. It’s sad, but rules are rules. Hopefully he gets a white… I mean, a light sentence.”