White House denies accidentally constructing a wall around New Mexico

YouReadyGrandma

In a gross oversight, the Trump White House has built a border wall completely encompassing the state of New Mexico. State Governor Michelle Grisham spoke out about the new enclosure. “The border wall progress that president Trump kept touting was referring to this gigantic structure,” Governor Michelle Grisham stated. “Only an eighth of the wall actually butts up against Mexico, the rest goes all the way around the state of New Mexico.” Grisham says the wall doesn’t pose a problem as it won’t prevent people from crossing; however, she would like all of her Hispanic residents to be released from the accompanying, newly-constructed prisons. Advertisements

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Official Mensa statement says Trump’s exact IQ is 70.679

Mensa – the largest and oldest high IQ society in the world – released a public statement today voicing concern over president Trump’s mental faculties. In a sympathetic letter, the organization strongly recommended that the president either resign or be impeached. “The president, who has a calculated IQ of precisely 70.679, has been victimized for his disability via public prejudice and scorn,” the document stated. “Mr. Trump should not be shamed or ridiculed because he is mentally incapable of fulfilling the role of President of the United States. He is, legally speaking, mentally handicapped.” Photo Credit Michael Vadon

AX-570 android “Barron Trump” returned to a Japanese factory after malfunction causes it to attack

“As the AX-570 android referred to as “Barron” appeared to grow in its capacity to feel, perceive, and experience subjectivity, the android’s aggression toward president Trump grew exponentially.”

President Trump live tweets “Greatest Dump Ever” from Oval Office toilet

In a more than concerning display, President Trump live tweeted his bowel movement from the Oval Office toilet early this morning.

John Bolton’s mustache forced to resign as National Security Advisor

After months of clashing opinions on Iran, North Korea and Afghanistan, president Trump has asked John Bolton’s mustache to resign. “John’s mustache is big, bushy and beautiful. It tickles my nape,” Trump tweeted. “But it also picked Afghanistan-Iran-North Korea for our game of Fuck, Marry, Kill. The correct answer is always going to be fuck Afghanistan, marry Kim Jong-un, kill Iran. So the stache is out.” As of press time, Bolton’s mustache had already accepted a position as a contributor at FOX News. Photo by Gage Skidmore

Poll: Majority of Americans would rather pee on Donald Trump than cook a healthy meal

A new poll on obesity by the Center for Disease Control and Prevention, shows sixty-three percent of Americans would rather pee on Donald Trump every night for the rest of their lives than cook a healthy meal. “Most people said they’d prefer standing there, straddling the president and unleashing a stream of hot yellow Kool-Aid all over the commander in chief’s face and body,” CDC Director Robert Redfield stated. “So it’s going to take a lot more to get this obesity crisis turned around than anyone initially thought.”

Most of the White House staff is being treated for syphilis

The entire White House staff is being tested and many are being treated for syphilis. Experts are saying that the diagnosis makes sense as all the symptoms are present. “Syphilis-induced mental illness would explain the administration’s inability to make intelligent decisions,” CDC Director Robert Redfield stated. “Couple this with blindness to reality and some really nasty, oozing sores and you’ve got the Trump administration. It’s an insidious disease.”

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