During his daily briefing with the press today, president Trump announced he had signed an executive order allowing the government to completely demolish nearly 8,000 Curves locations across the US. The president claims the move is the “next logical step” in the ongoing fight against coronavirus. “You keep hearing the experts say ‘We’ve got to flatten the curve! We have to flatten it!’ Right? Well it turns out that a simple Google search shows that we’ve got Curves all over the United States. Right in our own backyards! It’s crazy!” Trump shouted. “So today I signed an executive order to completely level all Curves in the country – whether or not there’s fat women inside. It’s gotta be done folks.” Advertisements
After binge watching all seven episodes of Tiger King yesterday on Netflix, president Trump has quickly become the biggest supporter of the imprisoned celebrity Joe Exotic, speaking out about the jailed man’s innocence. “Minus most of the gay stuff, we’re basically the same person,” Trump told journalists. “We were both married multiple times to beautiful, young people. We are savvy business men, and we are both handsome men who enjoy the finer things in life.” Those close to the president say Trump is strongly considering pardoning Joe Exotic, having even suggested that Joe would make a great replacement for Mike Pence in the 2020 election. “Look, Joe’s a business man and entertainer-turned-politician just like me,” Trump stated. “And we both have great hair. Can’t forget that. So maybe we’ll replace Mike with Joe. Maybe. Just to spice things up a bit. We’ll see. We’ll see.” Notably, after finishing the Netflix series Trump was actually a huge fan of Carole Baskin before he was told by staffers that she was, in fact, a woman and not another long-haired man. “At first I thought the story was: rich-man-beats-gay-guy. But that wasn’t the case,” Trump stated. “The bottom line, if we can agree on anything, it’s that Carole Baskin is a total bitch who murdered her husband.” As of press time Melania Trump was being forced to return her newly purchased liger and was ordered to stop rubbing fish oil on the president.
During a press conference at the Norfolk Navy Base today president Trump was asked by a reporter if he had a personal ventilator set aside for himself. The president surprised everyone with his answer. “You don’t have to be hit by a ventilator, literally, a ventilator, to know that answer Peter,” a visibly angry Trump said to the reporter. “Because the cost of losing me is too high. Without me the country is in trouble. Big, big trouble! So yeah, Peter, I’ve got a ventilator. I’ve got one for everyone but Tiffany and Eric. It wouldn’t work on them because they’re both mouth breathers. And I hope you never get one for asking ridiculous questions like this. Get lost! Get out of here with that crap Peter!”
Slovenian gold digger Melania Trump apologized to the world today for her mentally-inferior husband and his repeated dog whistle of calling COVID-19 “The Chinese Virus”. “I do pretend to love Donald deeply. But I cannot, with what remaining conscience I have left, allow him to racistly refer to COVID-19 as ‘The Chinese Virus’,” the Slovenian gold digger stated. “We all see it Donald. I’m just calling it what it is.”
President Trump has finally used the Defense Production Act by ordering IKEA to manufacture and ship half a million unassembled beds to hospitals in New York, Los Angeles, and Chicago. IKEA, which is headquartered in the Netherlands, does not fall under US law and therefore cannot be told what to do by Trump. “The daybeds ordered by the president take, on average, 3.5 hours to assemble,” IKEA CEO Jesper Brodin stated. “Hospitals are indeed thanking IKEA for not going ahead with the president’s demands as they do not have the time, staffing, or space to be assembling the furniture.” Just minutes after the IKEA announcement president Trump ordered Spirit Halloween and Party City to provide one million masks to medical facilities across the country. “I don’t care what they look like,” Trump told reporters in an address. “They can be Chucky, Jason, or even Freddie – it doesn’t matter – just get them the masks.” As of press time the president was being told that not only are Halloween masks ineffective against the virus, but that they are also manufactured in China.
Presidential candidate Pete Buttigieg dropped out of the race today after claiming he could speak Norwegian, but then failing to correctly pronounce Menneskerettighetsorganisasjonene; a word that means ‘human rights organizations.’ An embarrassed Buttigieg immediately apologized for his error and ended his campaign in disgrace. Meanwhile, in a tweet, president Trump mocked Buttigieg, stating “Little Mayor Pete just revealed himself as a lier and offended all of Skandiñavia. Pathetic. Good riddants.”
It’s no secret that the left and right are clashing harder than ever, so much so that large swaths of MAGA conservatives have become closeted out of fear for their personal safety. In fact, in the past month a 15-year old MAGA-hat-wearing boy was slapped by a grown man and, in another incident, a man ran over chairs and tables at a Republican voter registration booth with his car. The two assaults truly depict how hard it is to come out as MAGA in the US today. With experts estimating that at least 37% of the population is MAGA to some degree, countless right wing individuals are having to deal with discrimination for the first time in their lives. “Nobody can imagine what it’s like for us,” an anonymous MAGA man stated. “For someone to tell me that my love for the president is wrong. To shame me for who I am. Well that’s not the America I grew up in! That’s not how you treat your fellow man.” Meanwhile, some political experts are suggesting a Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell approach in which people who identify as MAGA can support the president, but must do so quietly.