The White House announced today that they will be issuing a mandate requiring families with school-aged children to send at least one child to school as tribute for a school reopening experiment. “Because our nation is so divided right now we decided to take a middle-of-the-road approach,” vice president Mike Pence stated. “Now families will be able to pick which child they would like to send to school while keeping the other ones at home.” Notably, families with just one child will be entered into a lottery system that will randomly select the kids that will have to attend classes. The names will be drawn at large, mandatory gatherings called ‘reapings’. “A reaping is an event that will take place in every school district before the school year,” Pence stated. “At the reaping, children without siblings are randomly chosen to attend classes in the upcoming school year. As of right now we are thinking that each district will simply select names from glass bowls.” Additionally, blood tests will be administered to all children who will attend classes to check for coronavirus and to confirm their identities. When asked by reporters for details on the rest of the school reopening plan, Pence stated “President Trump hasn’t gotten to that chapt… er… we’ll have more details to share with the American people very shortly.” Advertisements
An explanation for the United States’ abysmal handling of the coronavirus has come to light after Trump stated that he has been trying to quietly build up America’s COVID-19 bioweapon stockpile ever since the virus reached the country. Specifically, the president admits that he’s keeping as many Americans infected as possible so that they can be deployed overseas at a moment’s notice should war break out. “If everyone could just shut up already about the Chinese virus that would be great. I can’t secretly amass a human stockpile if everyone won’t keep their traps shut about what we’re doing here,” Trump stated. “This is why we need to stop doing testing, stop wearing masks, and stop reporting on this altogether. From here on out let’s all agree to stop ruining my strategic military plan which will make our great nation’s military even greater, again.” Minutes later, White House Press Secretary Kayleigh McEnany was already in front of news cameras telling reporters that the president was only kidding.
It was revealed today by Donald Trump’s niece Mary that the president cheated on his SATs by having someone else take the exam for him. The White House has admitted to the allegation and Press Secretary Kayleigh McEnany provided an odd explanation. “Bone spurs, which are a painful bony projections associated with osteoarthritis, can hurt nearby nerves and cause excruciating pain. Mr. Trump’s bone spurs just so happen to be in his buttocks somewhat near his coccyx,” McEnany told reporters. “Because of this, the president cannot sit for long periods of time. Sometimes he can’t sit at all, which is part of the reason for the diapers. So you can imagine why he couldn’t sit there for a three hour test. “
When asked again today by reporters why he wouldn’t set a good example for the country by wearing a mask, president Trump angered many with his response. “I’m tired of the mask question. You know who should really be wearing a mask? Ugly women,” Trump stated. “Cover up those dog faces, use a paper bag for all I care. Okay? I don’t care how you do it, just cover it up.” NPR reporter Amanda Jackson fired back with a follow up question, asking “But Mr. president, you’re morbidly obese and unnaturally orange, so by your standards shouldn’t you be wearing a mask too?” Visibly upset, Trump made a dismissive hand gesture toward Jackson, said he wouldn’t be taking any more questions, and walked away from the podium. Moments later White House Press Secretary Kayleigh McEnany gave a statement defending the president. “Mr. Trump is rightfully upset with and tired of the mask questions. Wearing a mask is a personal choice that the president makes for himself on a daily basis,” McEnany stated. “Having said that, the president was just being facetious when he said only certain women should be wearing a mask. So grow up, it was a joke.” Shortly thereafter Trump contradicted McEnany and doubled down by tweeting out: As of press time the United States was still ranked the worst at dealing with COVID-19 among first world countries, but experts point out that this is to be expected considering the country is on day 1,264 of having no leadership. Photo credit Gage Skidmore
The National Football League announced today that it will be playing three distinct audio files before each football game throughout the 2020 season. First, the black national anthem, second the Billy Bush-Access Hollywood tape in which president Trump says ‘Grab her by the pussy,’ and finally the national anthem. The NFL says the entire playlist should run a total of 15 minutes and is meant to remind Americans of black history, modern history, and American tradition, respectively. “The NFL is now a place to have open political conversations,” a statement from the NFL read. “We want to remind American’s of our nation’s history all while acknowledging the present and celebrating the past. These songs and sounds perfectly encapsulate these things.” The NFL says that it hopes all viewers will become familiar with the lyrics of the black national anthem and the uncensored lines from Trump’s Access Hollywood tapes, which read: “I moved on her, and I failed. I’ll admit it. I did try and fuck her. She was married. And I moved on her very heavily. In fact, I took her out furniture shopping. She wanted to get some furniture. I said, ‘I’ll show you where they have some nice furniture.’ I took her out – I moved on her like a bitch. But I couldn’t get there. And she was married. Then all of a sudden I see her, she’s now got the big phony tits and everything. She’s totally changed her look. I better use some Tic Tacs just in case I start kissing her. You know I’m automatically attracted to beautiful – I just start kissing them. It’s like a magnet. Just kiss. I don’t even wait. And when you’re a star, they let you do it. You can do anything. Grab ’em by the pussy. You can do anything.”
Jeffrey Epstein’s former right hand woman, Ghislaine Maxwell, who is accused of helping Mr. Epstein sexually abuse countless girls as young as 14, was accidentally lobotomized at the Merrimack County Jail today. The tragic mishap took place when Maxwell’s files were somehow switched and she was confused with a psychiatric ward prisoner scheduled for a lobotomy. Authorities from Merrimack County are calling the incident an “unbelievably terrible case of mistaken identity” and “incredibly poor timing” as the lobotomy procedure was the first in the state since the 1950’s. The operation has left Maxwell unable to move or speak. “We know what it looks like, but it’s not what you think” a statement from the county read. “Unfortunately we’ll never be able to show you exactly what happened because the video surveillance cameras were not functioning properly throughout the facility.” Notably, nobody in the Merrimack County Jail had noticed the catastrophic error until a guard hired by Donald Trump to kill Maxwell reported that he couldn’t find her in her cell.
Sources inside the White House revealed today that president Trump refuses to wear a mask because he is afraid of the R.L. Stine children’s horror book The Haunted Mask in which a Halloween mask slowly becomes part of the main character’s face and they are unable to remove it. “Ever since reading this Goosebumps book back in 1993, Mr. Trump hasn’t been comfortable putting any sort of mask on his face as he is terrified that it will become permanently attached,” White House Press Secretary Kayleigh McEnany stated. “I think we all need to respect the president and not mock him for his fear.” McEnany also noted something that might explain Trump’s skin color. “The president covers himself in Goo Gone – America’s number one adhesive remover – every morning to ensure that nothing can become stuck to his body. You might think it’s funny, but so far it’s worked.”