Liz Cheney has been taking heat from fellow Republicans ever since she tweeted yesterday that “The 2020 presidential election was not stolen,” and that “Anyone who claims it was is spreading THE BIG LIE, turning their back on the rule of law, and poisoning our democratic system.” The tweet made countless liberals applaud Cheney’s for her stance, with some even referring to her as the “conscience of the Republican party.” In reacting to the newfound support from Democrats, Cheney has said that she’s “increasingly uncomfortable with the notion that liberals would praise anything that I would do.” Cheney also released a short statement later in the day: “Listen up liberals. You need to remember that I’m still a horrible, horrible person,” Cheney wrote. “I am still anti-gay marriage, I am still anti-abortion and pro-torture. I deny that global warming exists and I want to abolish the EPA. And Let’s not forget that the Democrats are the party of anti-Semitism and infanticide. So never forget where I stand.” As of press time nobody liked Liz Cheney.
Facebook will make a controversial decision tomorrow: Will they reinstate former president Donald J. Trump, or permanently ban him from their platform? The social media giant initially banned Trump in January after he personally sparked a riot at the US Capitol building. So what factors will influence their decision and just what might happen? Let’s break it down. Choices – Facebook has options beyond simply banning or allowing Trump back on the site. Most agree that although they could simply ban the ex-president or allow him to fully utilize the platform, it would be way funnier to leave him in read-only mode; unable to post, like, comment, or share. Biases – Facebook will do a self-evaluation to ensure that they aren’t being too harsh or biased against Trump whose words incited an insurrection; resulting in the deaths of five people and the ex-president being impeached for a second time. Analysis Paralysis – Trump has disseminated a mountain of lies and disinformation on social media previously. With so much damning evidence against him, Facebook might become overwhelmed and just give up; allowing the former leader back on the site. Gut Feelings – After having 100-plus stress-free days of a Joe Biden presidency, Facebook might somehow forget the sick, sinking feeling that sane Americans felt in the pits of their stomachs during Trump’s four years in office and reinstate him. Excuses – Facebook could take a ‘Trumpian’ approach by denying any accountability for their own actions and the consequences that follow by going ahead and reinstating the former president. Clarity – Facebook could finally realize that Trump is a worthless piece of shit and do the right thing: permanently ban him. Photo credit Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff
During his second impeachment, Donald Trump’s lawyers revealed that they have “damning evidence” showing high-ranking Democrat leaders participating in an “underground fight club” in the basement of the Capitol building. “The Democrats are claiming that the violence at the Capitol was set off by Donald Trump, but we now have clear evidence showing that these same Democrats have been hosting their own violent, fight-to-the-death events within the hallowed grounds of our nation’s Capitol,” Trump lawyer Michael van der Veen stated. “So, it only follows that the violence at the Capitol started with them.” “To be clear, this isn’t about asking distracting questions like ‘what about this, or what about that?’” Michael van der Veen affirmed. “It’s more about asking yourself ‘what else might possibly seem to matter that doesn’t have anything to do with this trial?” van der Veen then continued while pointing to a poorly-Photoshopped PowerPoint slide depicting top Democrats. “What about this!? What about this so-called Capitol insurrection really matters in light of this new evidence? What about the not-so-crazy idea of actually believing in this new evidence we’ve shown today?” the wide-eyed lawyer asked while pointing to yet another poorly Photoshopped image, this time of a bloodied and bruised Nancy Pelosi. “Mr. Trump is innocent, so what about we start a new trial focusing on the damning evidence that we’ve put together here instead!? What about it folks?”
When asked today how he felt about the Trumps not following tradition and inviting his family to the White House, Joe Biden told reporters that he wasn’t bothered by it at all. “It’s no skin off my nose! We all know the man’s a chicken-hearted, white-livered chucklehead,” Biden laughed. “He’s all hat and no cattle. And he can try to avoid me all he wants, but I promise that I’ll be visiting Trump when he goes to prison. Because I’m a considerate guy like that.” When reached for comment, the White House released a statement saying that they didn’t know which crimes Joe Biden was accusing the president of committing. “If Joe Biden thinks Donald Trump committed a crime, then he’s going to have to be a lot more specific so we can address his particular claims because right now there are literally dozens of open court cases and lawsuits against the President.”
Citing a lack of anonymity as being their primary mistake, countless arrested domestic terrorists who stormed the Capitol now say they regret not wearing white, pointy hoods like their grandparents had during riots past. “Collectively, we should have learned from our family histories about how this works,” accused terrorist Jake Chansley stated. “We should have stormed the Capitol while wearing hoods and robes, not horns and furs.” Indeed, countless insurrectionists now find themselves on the no-fly list, facing felonies, and very likely to be barred from voting or owning guns. “All of these arrests could have been avoided if we’d just embraced our grandparents’ fashion choices for such events,” Chansley stated. “My God. Have we learned nothing from history!?” As of press time, many of the arrested domestic terrorists were blaming president Trump for telling them what to do, but not how to go about getting away with it.
Hundreds of pigeons bearing handwritten messages from Donald Trump were released from the White House today after Trump was banned from Twitter and nearly every other social media site. The president – who was annoyed by the birds flying around and shitting on him in the Oval Office – had the birds’ wings clipped, thus preventing them from flying and essentially banning himself from using pigeons as a method of communication. Notably, experts have pointed out that the birds weren’t even carrier pigeons. As of press time nearly 1,000 now-flightless birds were walking around and defecating on the White House’s North Lawn.