Secretary of Education Betsy DeVos announced her new ‘A Few Children Left Behind Program’ today which will allow schools to reopen on time in a limited capacity. Devos says that she’ll be sending the 10 least promising students per classroom back to school to see if reopening is safe. “We now realize that it was unrealistic to try to fit so many kids in such a confined space during a pandemic,” DeVos stated. “So instead we’ve decided that the 10 worst performing students per class from last year will be our guinea pigs so we can ensure that we are providing a safe learning environment for our gifted students.” DeVos says once she feels it’s safe, that she’ll be swapping the 10 initial test children out with the 10 smartest kids from the class. “If relatively few of the students are falling ill, dying, or spreading the virus then we’ll make that switch and let the kids with actual futures continue their educations,” DeVos stated.
The idiots have won again. Webster’s Dictionary has added the cringeworthy word ‘irregardless’ to their big book of real words, signaling the complete collapse of the American education system. “Words are officially added to the dictionary when they are used frequently enough over a long period of time and with a clear meaning. Irregardless is an example of just that,” a statement from Merriam-Webster read. “It really doesn’t matter if the people saying the word are complete fucking morons. So get used to it, because you’re surrounded by imbeciles.” Irregardless of your opinions (see how fucking stupid it sounds?), 535 new words were added to the dictionary this year including a new definition for ‘thirsty,’ which signifies a strong desire for something, and ‘Magats,’ which is a hybrid of MAGA and maggot used to describe Trump supporters.
Experts at the World Health Organization (WHO) released a pointed statement today revealing that they hope to open all Americans up to COVID-19 facts and teach them basic reasoning skills by early June – with the end goal being to lower the so-called “idiot curve” before the month of August. “There’s a loud minority group of idiots who are making this whole situation worse than it has to be,” the statement read. “So, over the course of the next four weeks we will be educating the general public on the basics of pandemics and teaching them how a virus can spread exponentially.” “During this time, we will unfortunately be seeing a large number of idiots – those who attended rallies, their friends, and their family members – dying from the virus. With the combination of education, and the tragic loss of life, we could be able to flatten the idiot curve by sometime in June.”
President Trump’s fourth remedial English tutor in three years has quit, citing irreconcilable differences regarding words, their accurate usage, how they are spelled and their correct pronunciation. “Mr. Trump may ‘have the best words,’ but they’re frequently made-up or misspelled,” former tutor Mason Thompson stated. “A teacher can’t watch their 73-year-old student insist that a goddamned apostrophe is a fucking hyphen and have any shred if dignity left.” President Trump took to Twitter to respond. Photo by G0h4r
Unfettered by the conventions of social media and email, suburban Moms across the country snapped pictures of their kids’ first day of school to mail to every relative they can think of; making this the only known scenario in which mailing photos of underage children to strangers isn’t illegal. Photo credit Lesley Show
Teachers get ready for another underfunded school year full of ADHD and mass shootings.