Heaven: 170,000 COVID Victims Protest God For Taking Wrong Trump


(The Astral Plane) Tensions are running high in Heaven tonight as the 170,000+ Americans who have died from COVID-19 are protesting God for taking the wrong Trump. Authorities say the protests, which are being led by the late father of utilitarianism Jeremy Bentham, started when the president’s brother Robert Trump showed up at the pearly gates instead of Donald. “It sounds crass on the face of it, but the reality is that there is a moral question at hand: Do you take one life to save thousands of others?” Bentham stated. “Quite quickly it becomes apparent that the right thing to do is to remove this evil man who has clearly done more harm than good during the pandemic. There’s a lot of blood on his hands.” When asked how he felt about Robert Trump’s death, Bentham stated, “It is what it is.”

The Devil & God Beg Conservatives to ‘Get Their Shit Together’ as Heaven & Hell Near Capacity


(The Astral Plane) After being essentially hands-off for millennia, the Devil and God stunned the world today when they publicly begged conservatives in America to stop screwing around and take the pandemic seriously. Both rulers reported that their individual dominions are nearing capacity due to COVID deaths; the majority of which are coming from the United States. “If Americans want out of this mess they’re going to have to knock some sense into the right wing,” the Devil stated. “Honestly, it’s getting hard to tell the difference between my realm and whatever the hell is going on up there.” God expressed similar sentiments. “The rate at which people are dying is outpacing how quickly we can build additional living space here in Heaven. Conservatives need to get their shit together or we’re going to have angels living under the overpass.” God stated. “And for the love of Me, don’t try to reopen the fucking schools because they’ll be closed within a week. I guarantee you that.” Photo credit James Cridland

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