(Hibbing, Minnesota) The very last brain cell of diehard Trump supporter Doug Wilkins is dead sure that liberals are going to stop wearing masks now that the president has called putting on the protective gear a ‘patriotic’ act. “The president is using reverse psychology to expose the libs and the fake news,” Wilkins laughed. “Trump is playing three dimensional chess. You’ll see. None of them will be wearing masks.” Hours later, after having gone outside only to see everyone was still wearing masks, Wilkins’ last brain cell began having its second complete thought of the day. “I’m either going to have to give in and wear a mask or decide that Trump has become an emasculated, virtue signaling cuck who has given into liberal mask-wearing propaganda,” Wilkins realized out loud right before his head exploded. Photo credit Lorie Shaull
“We estimate that the president stopped caring about the English language at, or around, the 4th grade.”
A recent study published by Princeton reveals that approximately 31% of Americans are not smart enough to understand how a virus spreads, why they should be wearing masks, or how their reckless behavior is forcing states to re-close businesses. “Not only are these people dumb, but they’re incredibly frustrated; making them increasingly vocal,” Princeton sociology professor Dana Sundown stated. “Making matters worse, they’re found throughout every segment of society and in every profession. In fact, everything in our study suggests that the US might very well be the least educated first world country.” Experts at Princeton said that although the study had grim findings that smarter Americans shouldn’t give up hope. “Even with the worst-case scenario, we still see a light at the end of the tunnel,” Sundown stated. “At some point, years from now, enough of these anti-science, anti-maskers will die out or be shunned from society to a degree that will allow for life to get back to normal. Unfortunately, we don’t see things really improving for years if the country’s leadership doesn’t change.” As of mid July the United States was the worst of all first world countries at responding to the coronavirus, but a third of Americans – including the president – were too fucking stupid to believe it.
Experts at the World Health Organization (WHO) released a pointed statement today revealing that they hope to open all Americans up to COVID-19 facts and teach them basic reasoning skills by early June – with the end goal being to lower the so-called “idiot curve” before the month of August. “There’s a loud minority group of idiots who are making this whole situation worse than it has to be,” the statement read. “So, over the course of the next four weeks we will be educating the general public on the basics of pandemics and teaching them how a virus can spread exponentially.” “During this time, we will unfortunately be seeing a large number of idiots – those who attended rallies, their friends, and their family members – dying from the virus. With the combination of education, and the tragic loss of life, we could be able to flatten the idiot curve by sometime in June.”
In an odd turn of events, Donald Trump proudly revealed today that he had taken an IQ test and somehow managed to get a negative score. True to form, the president was quick to brag to reporters that he “had not tested positive for IQ.” “I finally took the test because everyone’s always talking about it. Everyone’s always asking if I have IQ. So I took the test and it came back negative. I don’t have an IQ problem like that the fake news media likes to say. In fact I show zero signs or symptoms at all!” Brief comments from Mensa International – the largest and oldest high IQ society in the world – explained how the president managed to dip into the negatives. “Not only did the president get every question wrong, he also forgot to put his name on the form, resulting in a negative IQ score,” Mensa president Byron Lovequist confirmed. “It’s incredibly rare, but it happens.”
With the announcement of the 26th Annual Darwin Awards, Donald Trump has found himself on the winner’s list. The leader of the free world tweeted about his accomplishment. Notably, Darwin Award winners are required to be sterile, display an astounding misapplication of judgement, and be the cause of their own demise.
President Trump’s fourth remedial English tutor in three years has quit, citing irreconcilable differences regarding words, their accurate usage, how they are spelled and their correct pronunciation. “Mr. Trump may ‘have the best words,’ but they’re frequently made-up or misspelled,” former tutor Mason Thompson stated. “A teacher can’t watch their 73-year-old student insist that a goddamned apostrophe is a fucking hyphen and have any shred if dignity left.” President Trump took to Twitter to respond. Photo by G0h4r