“When I think of something, you better believe I’m going to go right up to him, get right on Peter and really ride him. Just unload on him with everything I’ve got – and I’ve got a lot. Just ask Melania. I’ve been trying to finish for quite a while, and when I do it’s going to feel great folks. Just great.”
“At this point teachers must be making, what? $125 thousand a year and they won’t stop complaining?” DeVos stated. “We have to push back against these union thugs who are always striking.”
Cohen poured 14 gallons of gasoline, began playing ‘Spark the Fire’ by Gwen Stefani, and lit the contents of the dumpster before biting the heads off several chickens.
The former FBI Director enrolled in a pottery class Anderson Cooper attends in an attempt to get him to sit in between his legs while whispering key findings in his ear.
“You won’t hear about this, but I burned down the Notre Dame Cathedral,” Beck confirmed live on Fox & Friends. “This was France’s 9/11 and if I weren’t there to see it firsthand, you’d never know it was me: Glenn Beck, a casual, disposable, everyday Islamic terrorist.”
“Watch for the return of Toys “R” Trump, chains of Trumpback Steakhouse, Trumpley-Donaldson motorcycles and Old Trumpy Buffet.” – Sarah Huckabee Sanders
Mr. Cox has locked Eric Trump in the White House’s cold storage room next to the bowling alley in an attempt to show that air pollution does not harm humans.
“The geriatric cyborgs have two convenient USB ports allowing customers to charge their phones,” Walmart CEO Doug McMillon stated.
“Mr. Trump rationalized eating 17 apple pies before vomiting all over himself and his desk. It makes sense to us, but we don’t expect the mainstream media to get it.” – Sarah Huckabee Sanders
“It’s convoluted as [expletive]!” Senator Bernie Sanders stated. “The document obsesses over mechanical pencils and references outdated world news without context, but oddly enough everything ‘Trump’ now makes sense.”
Being unable to spell is no longer considered a ‘dealbreaker’ among most Americans.
“In retrospect, I picked the wrong book to read to them.” Louisiana Governor John Edwards stated. “I chose Seuss’ first published work The Pocket Book of Boners and by the time I finished reading the title all hell had broken loose.”
“We estimate that the president stopped caring about the English language at, or around, the 4th grade.”
“I’ve been calling it ‘Global Warming,’ but that’s just a trick folks; a term I use to make snowball jokes. My God, I’m so stupid.”
Gillette says they intend to replace the marketing team with all female, yet conservative employees “so both sides shut up.”
“I have never seen that much blood.”
“The first idea that it runs into is the decision that we go with.” – Secretary of Commerce Wilbur Ross
Obama suggests Trump could have avoided many scandals with one trick.
“We estimate that he was out cold with water in his lungs for about 2 minutes.”
Leading scientists at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology (MIT) are saying that a large portion of Americans need to hit the reset button on their brains. The problem has gotten so bad that scientists fear many people can’t actually see how different things can be interconnected, or conversely, completely unrelated. “The human brain is not […]
American psychologists assessed IQ’s of Presidential Candidates #jeopardy