Experts at the World Health Organization (WHO) released a pointed statement today revealing that they hope to open all Americans up to COVID-19 facts and teach them basic reasoning skills by early June – with the end goal being to lower the so-called “idiot curve” before the month of August. “There’s a loud minority group of idiots who are making this whole situation worse than it has to be,” the statement read. “So, over the course of the next four weeks we will be educating the general public on the basics of pandemics and teaching them how a virus can spread exponentially.” “During this time, we will unfortunately be seeing a large number of idiots – those who attended rallies, their friends, and their family members – dying from the virus. With the combination of education, and the tragic loss of life, we could be able to flatten the idiot curve by sometime in June.” Advertisements
In an odd turn of events, Donald Trump proudly revealed today that he had taken an IQ test and somehow managed to get a negative score. True to form, the president was quick to brag to reporters that he “had not tested positive for IQ.” “I finally took the test because everyone’s always talking about it. Everyone’s always asking if I have IQ. So I took the test and it came back negative. I don’t have an IQ problem like that the fake news media likes to say. In fact I show zero signs or symptoms at all!” Brief comments from Mensa International – the largest and oldest high IQ society in the world – explained how the president managed to dip into the negatives. “Not only did the president get every question wrong, he also forgot to put his name on the form, resulting in a negative IQ score,” Mensa president Byron Lovequist confirmed. “It’s incredibly rare, but it happens.”
With the announcement of the 26th Annual Darwin Awards, Donald Trump has found himself on the winner’s list. The leader of the free world tweeted about his accomplishment. Notably, Darwin Award winners are required to be sterile, display an astounding misapplication of judgement, and be the cause of their own demise.
President Trump’s fourth remedial English tutor in three years has quit, citing irreconcilable differences regarding words, their accurate usage, how they are spelled and their correct pronunciation. “Mr. Trump may ‘have the best words,’ but they’re frequently made-up or misspelled,” former tutor Mason Thompson stated. “A teacher can’t watch their 73-year-old student insist that a goddamned apostrophe is a fucking hyphen and have any shred if dignity left.” President Trump took to Twitter to respond. Photo by G0h4r
Scientists at Harvard University have found a direct correlation between happiness and intelligence that proves that the smiliest people you know are probably also the dumbest. The tests were conducted on over 2,000 subjects with the study taking place over the course of three years. “We’ve discovered hyper-rapid serotonin production that is only found in people with low IQs. In other words, it doesn’t take much to make an idiot smile,” Head Researcher Bryan Scoff glared. “It is my sincerest hope – that because of these findings – that absolutely nobody is happy anymore.” Next, scientists say they plan to ruin the concept of love and then move on to destroy any semblance of happiness that may remain after that.
Mensa – the largest and oldest high IQ society in the world – released a public statement today voicing concern over president Trump’s mental faculties. In a sympathetic letter, the organization strongly recommended that the president either resign or be impeached. “The president, who has a calculated IQ of precisely 70.679, has been victimized for his disability via public prejudice and scorn,” the document stated. “Mr. Trump should not be shamed or ridiculed because he is mentally incapable of fulfilling the role of President of the United States. He is, legally speaking, mentally handicapped.” Photo Credit Michael Vadon