The largest chain of Italian-themed restaurants in the United States – Olive Garden – has placed all 840 of its locations under mandatory quarantine after Italian Premier Giuseppe Conte put a lockdown on travel across the entirety of Italy. The decision by the premier is to stop the spread of coronavirus, while the inexplicable move by Olive Garden has left over 86,000 guests and employees needlessly locked inside of restaurants across the US. Olive Garden’s parent company Darden Restaurants Inc. says the decision is in line with the restaurant chain’s Italian authenticity, which the company prides itself on. “Darden and Olive Garden take branding very seriously,” CEO Eugene Lee stated. “As such, our guests are being asked to remain at their assigned booths or tables and enjoy time with their friends, family, unlimited soup, salad, and breadsticks.” As of press time Darden plans to keep all guests and employees under lockdown until Guiseppe Conte ends the mandatory quarantine. This decision comes despite the fact that hundreds of guests are already beginning to show early warning signs of diabetes and heart disease. Photo credit Mike Mozart Advertisements
USA Today has gone ahead and finally settled the long debate over what tastes better: eating ass or gagging on an In-N-Out burger. Using over 100 volunteers, the newspaper had participants blindfolded before being told to stick their tongues out. Reporters then rubbed either someone’s asshole, or an In-N-Out burger on their tongue. The tongues were then cleaned, and the process was repeated once more with either the beef patty or the back pussy. The participants were then asked to rate the two different flavors. According to USA Today, In-N-Out Burger placed 4th; right after taint, balls, and ass. Reporters confirmed that they had not thought about how ticklish the asshole is; resulting in some vertical and lateral movement of the ass that landed tongues squarely on the taint or balls: both of which taste better than In-N-Out.
Vanilla Coke fans are up in arms after Coca-Cola announced they’d be modifying their recipe to no longer include castoreum: a mixture of the anal secretions and urine of beavers that is also found in perfume. Notably, the FDA approves the use of castoreum, which is categorized under “natural flavoring,” so you won’t know if you’re eating it. Coca-Cola reassured Vanilla Coke fans that despite removing the ingredients their new recipe will still taste just like a beaver rubbed its crotch all over it.
A class action lawsuits against restaurant chain Einstein Bros Bagels is claiming the restaurant discriminates based on penis size when hiring male employees. Several men reported that part of the interview process involved comparing hand and foot sizes with current male employees and having to answer questions like: “Is it the size of the boat, or the motion in the ocean?” As of press time the US Food Safety and Inspection Service was visiting Einsteins locations to make sure employees were wearing condoms while poking tiny holes in the bagels.
The entire town of Little Chute, Wisconsin received a delightful, light dusting of cheddar cheese today after a major malfunction at the nearby Kaukauna Cheese Factory caused a Christmas Eve blowout. Most locals are in awe, grateful to have witnessed the beautiful cheese shower. Here’s what some citizens are saying:
Carlsbad, California – Famous actor, environmentalist, and man who really hates Brazil, Leonardo DiCaprio, completely torched a Texas de Brazil restaurant today after leaving a huge, $2,200 tip. Authorities say DiCaprio is being charged with arson. This news comes just months after the actor paid the World Wildlife Fund $500,000 to burn down all of Brazil’s Amazon Rainforest. Brazil’s president Jair Bolsonaro spoke out about the revelation. “The fires started by the World Wildlife Fund show that this group, which was founded in 1961 and typically works to preserve nature, will commit environmental atrocities if the price is right. Mr. DiCaprio has funded terrorism.” When reached for comment DiCaprio declined to speak with reporters, but later tweeted out: Photo credit KomuNews
After sustaining a broken leg and attempting to call out of work this morning, Ronald McDonald was partially guilted and somewhat threatened into working the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade. Having already squirt blood down most of the 2.5 mile parade route, a steady stream began pouring from the clown’s leg at the intersection of 6th Avenue and 34th Street, at which point McDonald was reprimanded and sent home for even considering coming to work in such a condition.