Billionaire Bill Gates is set to release a depressing new book next week titled ‘The Future Sucks: Why We Should Give Up Now’. Gates, who is typically known for his cautious optimism, says there’s no hope for humanity anymore. “If we want to survive climate change and be able to feed everyone, we’ll all have to be eating fake meat by 2030,” Gates stated. “But we all know that’s never going to fucking happen, so instead of delaying the inevitable, we might as well just give up right now.” As of press time PETA released a statement disavowing all previous stances on animal cruelty and sustainability. “Since reading an early copy of Mr. Gates’ book, a large percentage of vegans and vegetarians have started eating meat and other animal-based products again,” the PETA statement read. “Because if everyone else isn’t going to try, we might as well speed things up by joining in on the delicious decimation of our planet.” Experts say that the vegans who have reverted back to their old dietary ways have increased their carbon footprints by as much as 70% and decreased their level of fucks given down to zero.
(Brookfield, WI) After overeating during her Thanksgiving meal with lots of friends and family, Grandma Gertrude Sullivan will nod off in her comfy recliner for a few hours in a food coma; like she does every year. Just a few days later, she’ll be taken to the hospital where she will test positive for COVID that’s traced back to Thanksgiving. She’ll be put on a ventilator. Not long thereafter, Grandma Sullivan will slip into an actual coma and die.
Having previously stated that he “might cry a lot” if he loses, the White House released a video today depicting Donald Trump gorging himself on KFC and McDonald’s while sobbing uncontrollably. The video, which was reportedly filmed in the past few days, was created to warn the American people of what to expect from the president if he loses the election. “We didn’t want anyone to be shocked by the amount of crying that the president will be doing if he loses,” White House Press Secretary Kayleigh McEnany confirmed. “We also didn’t want the public to be alarmed by the weight the president will gain in the final months of his presidency. This will undoubtedly be a new kind of presidential low.”
Emphasizing that they’re the perfect size and weight to throw at police officers, Donald Trump signed an executive order today placing a 10-day waiting period on the purchase of Bumble Bee tuna across the country. The new law also requires citizens to pass background checks to secure cans 12 ounces or larger. “I signed this order because I really want everyone to think about what they’re doing before they leave the store with these masterfully designed death devices,” Trump stated. “Because right now we have people buying cans of Bumble Bee tuna, walking out the door, throwing them at police officers, and killing them.” Despite zero reported incidents of cans being used as weapons against police officers – let alone Bumble Bee brand tuna – Trump claims that countless cops have lost their lives in tuna-can-related altercations. The president added that his tuna control legislation has nothing to do with the fact that Bumble Bee had come out strongly against his tariffs and trade war months prior.
An all-new epidemic has hit social media during COVID-19 and it’s dumber, yet somehow more complicated than baking and eating an entire loaf of sourdough bread. Presenting the charcuterie board! Charcuterie boards are glorified Lunchables for adults. They’re stupid planks of wood covered in various overpriced meats, cheeses, fruits, and nuts – and as you may have noticed – everyone won’t stop posting their pictures of them. What do you think?
Henderson, NV – Local woman Jasmine Parker acquired a taste for glue today after exploring a longtime curiosity. Parker says she’d been wondering what glue tastes like ever since she saw other kids eating the gooey substance back when she was in grade school. “I tried eating glue for the first time today because I finally wanted to scratch that itch,” 37-year-old Parker stated. “I went for a second taste because I didn’t get a good feel for the flavor; so I put more glue on my finger and licked it off.” “Now this third taste,” Parker said while squeezing a generous portion into her hand, “is necessary as I forgot to sniff the glue before eating it, and as we all know, smell is big part of the entire eating experience.” As of Monday afternoon, Parker was thinking of an excuse to justify dumping a fourth helping of glue into the palms of her hands and lapping it up like a dog.
(Colorado Springs, CO) White supremacist and food blogger Ronald Wilcox says he only meant to post the recipe for his favorite spicy mayonnaise on his blog when he accidentally went off on a highly offensive 90,000 word tangent while describing the importance of pure whiteness in both the mayo and the country. “Welp. I guess I went and did it again! I try to keep my recipes short and to the point, but then this happens.” Wilcox stated as he posted the racist manifesto to ConfederateChef.com. “Not too many people would think a condiment recipe could land you on the government watch list, but this spicy mayonnaise just might be the one.” As of press time federal agents were knocking down Wilcox’s front door – having come across last week’s 77-page recipe post that explained how he made a fake birthday cake using yellowcake explosives.