USA Today has gone ahead and finally settled the long debate over what tastes better: eating ass or gagging on an In-N-Out burger. Using over 100 volunteers, the newspaper had participants blindfolded before being told to stick their tongues out. Reporters then rubbed either someone’s asshole, or an In-N-Out burger on their tongue. The tongues were then cleaned, and the process was repeated once more with either the beef patty or the back pussy. The participants were then asked to rate the two different flavors. According to USA Today, In-N-Out Burger placed 4th; right after taint, balls, and ass. Reporters confirmed that they had not thought about how ticklish the asshole is; resulting in some vertical and lateral movement of the ass that landed tongues squarely on the taint or balls: both of which taste better than In-N-Out. Advertisements
Vanilla Coke fans are up in arms after Coca-Cola announced they’d be modifying their recipe to no longer include castoreum: a mixture of the anal secretions and urine of beavers that is also found in perfume. Notably, the FDA approves the use of castoreum, which is categorized under “natural flavoring,” so you won’t know if you’re eating it. Coca-Cola reassured Vanilla Coke fans that despite removing the ingredients their new recipe will still taste just like a beaver rubbed its crotch all over it.
A class action lawsuits against restaurant chain Einstein Bros Bagels is claiming the restaurant discriminates based on penis size when hiring male employees. Several men reported that part of the interview process involved comparing hand and foot sizes with current male employees and having to answer questions like: “Is it the size of the boat, or the motion in the ocean?” As of press time the US Food Safety and Inspection Service was visiting Einsteins locations to make sure employees were wearing condoms while poking tiny holes in the bagels.
The entire town of Little Chute, Wisconsin received a delightful, light dusting of cheddar cheese today after a major malfunction at the nearby Kaukauna Cheese Factory caused a Christmas Eve blowout. Most locals are in awe, grateful to have witnessed the beautiful cheese shower. Here’s what some citizens are saying:
Carlsbad, California – Famous actor, environmentalist, and man who really hates Brazil, Leonardo DiCaprio, completely torched a Texas de Brazil restaurant today after leaving a huge, $2,200 tip. Authorities say DiCaprio is being charged with arson. This news comes just months after the actor paid the World Wildlife Fund $500,000 to burn down all of Brazil’s Amazon Rainforest. Brazil’s president Jair Bolsonaro spoke out about the revelation. “The fires started by the World Wildlife Fund show that this group, which was founded in 1961 and typically works to preserve nature, will commit environmental atrocities if the price is right. Mr. DiCaprio has funded terrorism.” When reached for comment DiCaprio declined to speak with reporters, but later tweeted out: Photo credit KomuNews
After sustaining a broken leg and attempting to call out of work this morning, Ronald McDonald was partially guilted and somewhat threatened into working the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade. Having already squirt blood down most of the 2.5 mile parade route, a steady stream began pouring from the clown’s leg at the intersection of 6th Avenue and 34th Street, at which point McDonald was reprimanded and sent home for even considering coming to work in such a condition.
Vice President Mike Pence had president Trump revoke the pardons for two male turkeys that were set free yesterday after learning they’d stayed together in a room at the luxe Willard Intercontinental Hotel the previous night. The reversal marks the first time that the turkeys weren’t spared since the White House tradition began in 1989. After the turkeys were slain, Pence took them home to stuff and serve at his Thanksgiving dinner. As of press time it’s unclear whether or not the Vice President will stick his head in the oven as well.