An all-new epidemic has hit social media during COVID-19 and it’s dumber, yet somehow more complicated than baking and eating an entire loaf of sourdough bread. Presenting the charcuterie board! Charcuterie boards are glorified Lunchables for adults. They’re stupid planks of wood covered in various overpriced meats, cheeses, fruits, and nuts – and as you may have noticed – everyone won’t stop posting their pictures of them. What do you think?
Henderson, NV – Local woman Jasmine Parker acquired a taste for glue today after exploring a longtime curiosity. Parker says she’d been wondering what glue tastes like ever since she saw other kids eating the gooey substance back when she was in grade school. “I tried eating glue for the first time today because I finally wanted to scratch that itch,” 37-year-old Parker stated. “I went for a second taste because I didn’t get a good feel for the flavor; so I put more glue on my finger and licked it off.” “Now this third taste,” Parker said while squeezing a generous portion into her hand, “is necessary as I forgot to sniff the glue before eating it, and as we all know, smell is big part of the entire eating experience.” As of Monday afternoon, Parker was thinking of an excuse to justify dumping a fourth helping of glue into the palms of her hands and lapping it up like a dog.
(Colorado Springs, CO) White supremacist and food blogger Ronald Wilcox says he only meant to post the recipe for his favorite spicy mayonnaise on his blog when he accidentally went off on a highly offensive 90,000 word tangent while describing the importance of pure whiteness in both the mayo and the country. “Welp. I guess I went and did it again! I try to keep my recipes short and to the point, but then this happens.” Wilcox stated as he posted the racist manifesto to ConfederateChef.com. “Not too many people would think a condiment recipe could land you on the government watch list, but this spicy mayonnaise just might be the one.” As of press time federal agents were knocking down Wilcox’s front door – having come across last week’s 77-page recipe post that explained how he made a fake birthday cake using yellowcake explosives.
“We estimate that the president stopped caring about the English language at, or around, the 4th grade.”
Thousands of Americans’ lives have flashed before their eyes in the past 24 hours after Goya CEO Robert Unanue announced that he was a huge Donald Trump supporter. Since the statement, conservatives everywhere began buying up Goya products, despite being woefully unprepared for what a class action lawsuit is now calling “life-threatening levels of spiciness.” Key offenders on the Goya product line included Adobo all-purpose seasoning, dry chiles, canned jalapeño peppers, Authentic Latino Seasoning Mix, and all of the company’s hot sauces and salsas. Lawyers representing the plaintiffs say that it’s an unfortunate situation, but Goya needs to pay the price for their unsafe products. “When Goya sells its products, they’re not selling the best. They’re selling products that have lots of problems, and they’re bringing those problems to our grocery aisles and into our homes,” a statement from the lawyers read. “They’re bringing death. The spices rape your throat, and some of them, I assume, are good products.” As of Friday countless conservatives have reported near-death experiences and prosecutors are pushing for all Goya products to either be removed from stores, or be given prominent warning labels for when white people are feeling adventurous in the Hispanic Foods aisle.
Quaker Oats announced today that their Aunt Jemima brand syrups and pancake mix will be renamed Antifa Jemima. The switch to using the word ‘Antifa,’ which stands for anti-fascist, signals the beginning of the end of racism during breakfast time. “Aunt Jemima’s origin is based on a deeply offensive racial stereotype, so we’re making a big change,” Quaker Oats spokesperson Jacquie Powers stated. “Whereas ‘Aunt Jemima’ is flat out racist, ‘Antifa Jemima’ is flipping the script to counterbalance the damage our brand has caused for decades. Consider this name change just a small part of the sticky-sweet justice of reparations.” Original photo credit
It’s here! McDonald’s has announced their all-new McKaren sandwich. The fast food chain says the new food option is guaranteed to be ready in 30 seconds or less, in store, or it’s free. “As a tribute to all Karens, the McKaren is comprised of an all-white bun with nothing of substance inside; making it easy to ensure that your meal hasn’t been poisoned,” McDonald’s CEO Christopher Kempczinski stated. Currently, as part of a promotion, Karens can get a free McKaren if they complete a mobile order and then wait in line at the drive-thru for some fucking reason. They will then be handed a receipt and be told to park in a mobile pickup spot. Notably, if the sandwich takes longer than 30 seconds to be delivered to the vehicle, a robot with a manager’s name tag will go up to Karen’s car and just stand there while being shouted at. McDonald’s says the robot is also capable of apologizing while spitting out free meal coupons for up to eight hours.