Having previously stated that he “might cry a lot” if he loses, the White House released a video today depicting Donald Trump gorging himself on KFC and McDonald’s while sobbing uncontrollably. The video, which was reportedly filmed in the past few days, was created to warn the American people of what to expect from the president if he loses the election. “We didn’t want anyone to be shocked by the amount of crying that the president will be doing if he loses,” White House Press Secretary Kayleigh McEnany confirmed. “We also didn’t want the public to be alarmed by the weight the president will gain in the final months of his presidency. This will undoubtedly be a new kind of presidential low.”
Emphasizing that they’re the perfect size and weight to throw at police officers, Donald Trump signed an executive order today placing a 10-day waiting period on the purchase of Bumble Bee tuna across the country. The new law also requires citizens to pass background checks to secure cans 12 ounces or larger. “I signed this order because I really want everyone to think about what they’re doing before they leave the store with these masterfully designed death devices,” Trump stated. “Because right now we have people buying cans of Bumble Bee tuna, walking out the door, throwing them at police officers, and killing them.” Despite zero reported incidents of cans being used as weapons against police officers – let alone Bumble Bee brand tuna – Trump claims that countless cops have lost their lives in tuna-can-related altercations. The president added that his tuna control legislation has nothing to do with the fact that Bumble Bee had come out strongly against his tariffs and trade war months prior.
An all-new epidemic has hit social media during COVID-19 and it’s dumber, yet somehow more complicated than baking and eating an entire loaf of sourdough bread. Presenting the charcuterie board! Charcuterie boards are glorified Lunchables for adults. They’re stupid planks of wood covered in various overpriced meats, cheeses, fruits, and nuts – and as you may have noticed – everyone won’t stop posting their pictures of them. What do you think?
Henderson, NV – Local woman Jasmine Parker acquired a taste for glue today after exploring a longtime curiosity. Parker says she’d been wondering what glue tastes like ever since she saw other kids eating the gooey substance back when she was in grade school. “I tried eating glue for the first time today because I finally wanted to scratch that itch,” 37-year-old Parker stated. “I went for a second taste because I didn’t get a good feel for the flavor; so I put more glue on my finger and licked it off.” “Now this third taste,” Parker said while squeezing a generous portion into her hand, “is necessary as I forgot to sniff the glue before eating it, and as we all know, smell is big part of the entire eating experience.” As of Monday afternoon, Parker was thinking of an excuse to justify dumping a fourth helping of glue into the palms of her hands and lapping it up like a dog.
(Colorado Springs, CO) White supremacist and food blogger Ronald Wilcox says he only meant to post the recipe for his favorite spicy mayonnaise on his blog when he accidentally went off on a highly offensive 90,000 word tangent while describing the importance of pure whiteness in both the mayo and the country. “Welp. I guess I went and did it again! I try to keep my recipes short and to the point, but then this happens.” Wilcox stated as he posted the racist manifesto to ConfederateChef.com. “Not too many people would think a condiment recipe could land you on the government watch list, but this spicy mayonnaise just might be the one.” As of press time federal agents were knocking down Wilcox’s front door – having come across last week’s 77-page recipe post that explained how he made a fake birthday cake using yellowcake explosives.
“We estimate that the president stopped caring about the English language at, or around, the 4th grade.”
Thousands of Americans’ lives have flashed before their eyes in the past 24 hours after Goya CEO Robert Unanue announced that he was a huge Donald Trump supporter. Since the statement, conservatives everywhere began buying up Goya products, despite being woefully unprepared for what a class action lawsuit is now calling “life-threatening levels of spiciness.” Key offenders on the Goya product line included Adobo all-purpose seasoning, dry chiles, canned jalapeño peppers, Authentic Latino Seasoning Mix, and all of the company’s hot sauces and salsas. Lawyers representing the plaintiffs say that it’s an unfortunate situation, but Goya needs to pay the price for their unsafe products. “When Goya sells its products, they’re not selling the best. They’re selling products that have lots of problems, and they’re bringing those problems to our grocery aisles and into our homes,” a statement from the lawyers read. “They’re bringing death. The spices rape your throat, and some of them, I assume, are good products.” As of Friday countless conservatives have reported near-death experiences and prosecutors are pushing for all Goya products to either be removed from stores, or be given prominent warning labels for when white people are feeling adventurous in the Hispanic Foods aisle.