“Because of the extreme food poisoning, Kim has also experienced dramatic silicone loss in the [expletive], lip and breast regions.”
Tostitos describes their new Extreme Mild Clear Salsa for White People® as being a thick, gelatinous substance for those with genetic spice sensitivities.
“Eggland’s Best apologizes if we’ve torn apart any families because of our gay eggs.”
“Unless Redbox starts squeezing out moist, two-year-old prosciutto with every DVD, I have no idea how they’re going to compete with this.”
“It’s not uncommon for the President to fart himself awake. Then, when he can’t fall back asleep, Mr. Trump passes the time on Twitter.”
“Papa John’s confirms that Shaq will be allowed to say the N-word at his discretion within his seven contracted advertisements.”
“Mr. Trump rationalized eating 17 apple pies before vomiting all over himself and his desk. It makes sense to us, but we don’t expect the mainstream media to get it.” – Sarah Huckabee Sanders
Campbell’s reports selling over 1.2 tons of Prego Afterbirth-Style pasta sauce in the first week.
“We estimate that the president stopped caring about the English language at, or around, the 4th grade.”
“I permanently cut cheese out of my diet,” police officer Damien Stephens stated. “If you’ve never seen a ‘Kraft Singles Cheese Queef Shower,’ I recommend that you keep it that way.”
The 1,750 calorie meal has made its return for the month of February only.
Ginsburg is maintaining a steady high with edibles from Senator Sanders until her new lung is healed.
We may never understand what a vegan is, or why fish qualifies as a meat, but we’ll never forget that if global warming is real, at least the vegans died first.” – DonaldTrump
Garten has been raising her own humans for consumption in a coop next to her garden.
“We’re trying to attract more meat-eaters by selling a diverse selection of what we are pretty sure they like to eat,”
Banana sales have increased by 27% in the United States.
“Overall, we just want to make everyone feel more welcome and safe at Starbucks.”
Customers can choose from: Careful Crunch, Medium Munch, or Gnarly Gnaw.
Weird Foods the Locals Eat: From Alabama to Wisconsin. Would You Try Them? #StrangeFood
Female researches have remained cold and distant, uninterested in helping to solve this growing problem.
“Mitch insists on having mayonnaise in every single meal he eats.”
“This will allow every single employee to move up the ladder and manage their own McDonald’s.”
Everything began when delivery driver Jessica Sturns noticed that something was awry when she saw the additional comment on the delivery instructions which read: