‘Just One More & Then I’ll Stop’ Sweaty Matt Gaetz Whispers To Himself Before Pressing Pay On Venmo

After realizing that his Republican colleagues were not going to do anything to stop him, a nervous Matt Gaetz worked up the courage today to send a $900 Venmo payment to his longtime friend and fellow alleged sexual predator Joel Greenberg. Careful not to mess up again, this time Gaetz didn’t type out “sex with underage girl” in the memo, instead opting to go with: “C’mon man! Get it together. This HAS TO BE LAST TIME!!!💦🍆” A sweaty, shaking Gaetz then hit “Pay” just before realizing that he had forgotten to change the settings to private again. As of press time Republicans were defending Gaetz, claiming that he was clearly making payments to his gardener for watering his eggplants. Original Photo credit Gage Skidmore

Uncomfortable With Liberal Support, Liz Cheney Reassures Public She’s ‘Still A Horrible, Horrible Person’

Liz Cheney has been taking heat from fellow Republicans ever since she tweeted yesterday that “The 2020 presidential election was not stolen,” and that “Anyone who claims it was is spreading THE BIG LIE, turning their back on the rule of law, and poisoning our democratic system.” The tweet made countless liberals applaud Cheney’s for her stance, with some even referring to her as the “conscience of the Republican party.” In reacting to the newfound support from Democrats, Cheney has said that she’s “increasingly uncomfortable with the notion that liberals would praise anything that I would do.” Cheney also released a short statement later in the day: “Listen up liberals. You need to remember that I’m still a horrible, horrible person,” Cheney wrote. “I am still anti-gay marriage, I am still anti-abortion and pro-torture. I deny that global warming exists and I want to abolish the EPA. And Let’s not forget that the Democrats are the party of anti-Semitism and infanticide. So never forget where I stand.” As of press time nobody liked Liz Cheney.

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